DH making bigger mess...

[PinkDress]

I need some grace, wisdom, encouragement.

Little backstory : confronted nMIL, downplayed, said I was looking for things to be upset about, etc. No repentance so I cannot move forward with her. Have tried to talk to older SIL and basically say I had to CO to save my sanity,her only reply is she's praying for God's will. It's been over a year and she hasn't texted me and I haven't texted her since. A lot more to share there but that's the general background recap. I feel no one in DHs wants a relationship with me,except to see my kids. Which is fine, but I also don't exactly want to go around. DH and I have a rocky marriage that I'm trying to work on, as is he slowly. It's a rollercoaster honestly, my previous posts highlight lots of things.

Younger SIL is getting married and wanted our kiddos to be in her wedding which means we have to go back to our home state for the wedding. Nothing has been resolved with nMIL, h agrees she was very strange toward me and is fine with no relationship on my end. He sometimes texts her, borrows money from older SIL etc while there's the awkward undercurrent of nothing being fixed. lol. So I've dreaded this wedding, and for obvious reasons. I assume the family only sees MILs side of things and I'm the villian, which I've also accepted and it doesn't bother me BUT I don't want to be around the family per say due to those feelings of awkwardness and unsettledness. Maybe they don't hate me, maybe they do. I can't know because no one really talks.

A week or so ago I told H I didn't want to attend the wedding,I was calm but told him I felt like they probably didn't like me and it made me feel very anxious to think about going. I have overcome panic attacks and don't want to go back into it. I also just had our newest baby and mentally I'm not great honestly, dealing with PP anxiety and depression with sleep deprivation. I thought he could just take the kids and give the bride her special day, and I visit old friends that day. Cue H reverting to all his previous hurtfulness. Yelling, saying I need to go, that he will not go without me and deal with answering the awkward question of people asking where I am. His main point was he didn't want to have to answer that and would rather cancel the entire wedding. I brought up that I felt they probably didn't like me due to MIL talking (she talks about everyone in the family so I based it on that and we know how Ns are - smear campaigns once you cut off or expose.) H is adament everyone just LOVES me, lol. So he decided to call younger SIL and straight up ask her if MIL has said anything about me to her, ever. Of course she says "No, she has talked about pink dress but not like that." Or something and sounded confused, as she should be getting such a random call. Of course I'm mortified he would do this, because all it does is further make it look like IM causing problems right before her wedding. He uses this as "proof" that no one has a problem with me. Which is no proof at all in my opinion lol, why on earth would she be honest about that when put on the spot out of no where? I told H I definitely didn't want to go now and he kept insisting on cancelling,I think to manipulate me honestly. Initially I agreed to go to give SIL what she'd like on her wedding day. A few days later I had kept thinking about it, absolutely dreading it and told H, literally begged him to not make me go but he went right back into the same argument. So I just broke and said fine, cancel on the wedding. I didn't think he would but he did. Now I'm certain everyone blames me due to his random call but there's not a thing I can do about it. He told them he couldn't get the days off work via a text a couple days after he asked younger SIL if MIL had talked bad about me. I doubt anyone believes it. Lol. So this is where I'm at, no idea what to do and really frustrated that H does this. He said "I guess I'll just cut off my entire family and focus on you guys." Manipulation? Coercing guilty feelings in me? All I've asked is that HE keep those relationships minus me. I think it's strange he'd rather cancel on the entire wedding than go without me so I can protect my heart.

What are your honest thoughts on this? Should I try to do anything? There's also the fact that several of Hs younger sisters friends have had crushes on him, younger SIL used to literally show him off to them because they thought he was hot lol. So of course I feel insecure about going around all of her young beautiful friends just having had another baby and gaining weight. I know that's small, but it's really something I'd rather avoid altogether. The entire thought of going makes my stomach hurt and anxiety rise,I just can't which angers H. Why can't he just have some compassion and allow me to miss while he does something for his family? I've never asked him to cut them off and he always says that he's going to when he's mad at me over this stuff. Going makes me feel too vulnerable, like how I felt going around nMIL before I CO. She constantly bad mouthed family members then invited them to events and acted totally normal. I believe she enjoys tearing people down and getting everyone "on her team", then acting as if nothing has happened at all. I always felt really bad for people I knew she was talking bad about, that they had no idea. I just don't want to be in that position.

Thank you for reading.

[qcdlvl]

I'm sorry you're going through this, Pinkdress. Your husband chose not to go the wedding, he could've gone alone, you didn't force him not to go. Claims that you're forcing him to do these things are, IMO, a figleaf for his demanding compliance from you - demanding that you be a doormat?
I don't think there is any point in confronting MIL at all - of course she'll deny, deny, deny, and I think the same goes for any of your ILs. All you can do is set boundaries, and have consequences for their actions.
Regarding your husband, are you in marriage counselling? I think your main issue isn't your ILs per se but your husband - if you were a united front then I think your IL issues would be a lot more manageable.

[bloomie]

PinkDress - Yikes! What a swirl you were thrown into when you simply declined to attend a wedding.

Honoring your own vulnerabilities and paying attention to what you need and giving voice to that is strength and respect for yourself and your H and doing all you can to remain the best version of yourself for your family of choice first and foremost. Even if he doesn't see or agree that his mother treats you unlovingly, that the atmosphere in his family is one of gossip and smearing people that creates a great deal of angst and distrust among the members - that is your experience in his family dynamic and you are wisely not wanting to reenter that painful and toxic dynamic. And that is 100% your choice to make. 

A couple of things came to mind reading through your post. Your H is the one who threw a monkey wrench in things and called his younger sister and questioned her. That move is called confirmation bias. Seems to me he then compounded the issue by lying about why you all were not attending. All on him from where I sit. It seems this may have backfired on him if he was trying to back you into a corner and go with him.

The younger sil... what is the story there with "showing off" her brother to her friends? What has your relationship with her been like if you don't mind me asking. That was a red flag for me when reading through your post. Hmmmm....

[PinkDress]

Thank you both! I love reading responses and thinking on them. Truly appreciate everyone here so much.

QC, the fig leaf idea makes a lot of sense. This is the sort of behavior he always resorts to when I'm disagreeing. I do believe it is to attempt to control and this is a big time I stuck to my no, wow I am growing after all.

I am in my own counseling, without him. I was able to find someone to inexpensively counsel me and may eventually ask H to come. However I'm working through MY resentments of him and all the damage he's done. I want to work on our marriage too, and there have been baby steps on his end, but I still feel like this needs to be for me, at least for now.

[PinkDress]

Bloomie,

Thank you for validating me. I felt like sobbing reading your first words - that it was wise and good that I listened to my own vulnerabilities and declined. H and the entire family dynamic creates those false senses of guilt and it's hard to shake. I wanted to make H happy, but I realized my body was already reacting to the thought of attending the wedding. And that H being a little uncomfortable in answering the, "Where is pinkdress?" question is NOT grounds for me to HAVE to go and truly suffer a great deal mentally and emotionally. Honestly me allowing our children to BE IN the wedding, knowing nMIL would likely buddy buddy herself with them, etc was HUGE for me and I felt a lot to offer. But H will never understand it seems- how much I did suffer. He even said something along the lines of, "This proves you haven't healed at all since you can't even go to this wedding." As if he would know at all.

Younger SIL is very shy, I have never been close to her since I'm pretty quiet too. She seemed nice/kind hearted with some odd ways of thinking. Example : Soon after we were  married, we went to lunch with her and some other family members. She was trying to convince H to take one of her friends to a formal at her high school. As a married man. That's just the stuff they view as normal I guess, whereas I think that would be almost creepy and definitely make me feel jealous. Maybe some people don't find that weird? But I was never close with younger or older SIL, they never seemed interested I guess. MIL was the one who love bombed me. Older SIL did lots for our wedding and surprised us by paying half for my dress. She did kind gestures like that but we never actually "talked" so I didn't feel close to her either.