Just discovered the term COGNITIVE DISSONANCE

[Spirit in the sky]

I have felt like I'm going mad since my NMIL texted on Tuesday to say her dog needs put to sleep. I have all these feelings of compassion but I know if I show her any sympathy i'm right back into the cycle of abuse.

Am I right in thinking this is cognitive dissonance ?

[P&K]

Yes, I feel what your experiencing meets the definition/criteria of cognitive dissonance. It's hard to reconcile sometimes but knowing and naming your experience can make it easier to process or detach in a healthy way.

I hope you're not experiencing too much distress, I have dealt with similar actions and started viewing it as a hoover. Unfortunately, I have a hard time seeing any troubling news from the pwpd as anything else due to these experiences. Maximum grey rock!

Having compassion for the dog is a normal, healthy reaction. As for nmil, a simple "sorry to hear about Fido " via DH would be about as much sympathy I would offer and even then, events leading up to something like this would influence if my sympathies are offered at all.

Trust your gut, you've got this.

[Spirit in the sky]

Thanks P&K, I think it helps to have a term because I thought once I identified my nMIL's behaviour I would be black and white and it hasn't been. I have to keep re-reading books watching YouTube videos to remind myself that what I'm feeling is ok.

I've been successfully grey-rocking but in the past I would have been the one to show the most empathy when she became overly emotional. Even though she used previous family deaths to entrap me, I find it hard to walk away when someone is crying even though I know it's fake.

My own mother has been ill and I'm stressed about her, so this attention seeking from NMIL really isn't helping. Her behaviour is so up and down, one day she snubs me in the street, next day she's all over me with tears of wow.

I know I shouldn't try and make sense of it, I just can't believe I was so vulnerable.

[P&K]

I can relate very much to what you are experiencing. So much. If I was just a little better, more loving, more giving, the pwpd would surely see the light.  It felt very wrong to go against my  kindness and empathetic nature, even if it was to my detriment. I was trying to soothe every outburst, JADE, you name it. And it never worked long term, just taught them I could be used.

It took my pwpd being informed of an exceptionally personal, traumatic circumstance (which is resolved!) and made things about themselves instead of offering support to me and my DH.  I finally, privately detached almost immediately. I went on to call out the BS face to face. I said one sentence, in front of other family the moment there was a pause in their little “performance”. I was polite, to the the point and it ended those shenanigans abruptly. All I said was “I don’t believe you” and looked away. The subject was dropped after a slight sputter and I just held myself in neutral silence. I’m sure I’m public enemy #1 but they have never said as much to my face and they avoid me unless they can demonstrate their altruistic side to gain admiration from others(and subsequently make me look crazy if I speak up). I don’t engage, I don’t contact and I don’t offer anything remotely personal if I can’t avoid them.  I am not viewed as a person with my own life, I was expected to do it all and not expect credit or recognition. Credit was given to the hoover target of the moment, usually DH. I stopped trying unless it was benefiting my FOC.

It’s interesting but unsuprising how much they try to avoid me because I don’t tolerate/suffer unacceptable behaviour. It got worse (more covert followed by overt) before it got better. I also no longer care about the smear campaigns because my actions speak for me and people are free to believe what they wish. Every textbook tactic was used and they are currently back to waif behaviour.

You are right about not having a black and white situation. It rarely is. I have deep compassion for what made pwpd the person they are but it also doesn’t give them permission to behave in these ways. I have stopped trying to figure out if they really believe their garbage or if it’s merely a means to an end for them. Actions and consequences have been the most effective for me and my FOC.

I have found Kris Godinez’s channel on YouTube very helpfully+ affirming and highly recommend others check her out. Listening to positive affirmations also helps bring me peace when I feel I’m failing at my personal values. Negative self talk is almost as brutal as those who would have you believe it. It’s hard! Be kind to yourself, you are a good person 

[Spirit in the sky]

Thanks P&K

I think it would be easier if my NMIL wasn't so verbally abusive and aggressive. Both myself and my hubby think she is capable of physical assault, when she's triggered she is demonic, screaming, yelling, swearing it is actually like something from the exorcist. She has actually verbally abused strangers in the street, we are convinced she is mentally ill but if anyone  said that to her face  I fear for their safety.

There are so many levels to my story. My own mother has mental health issues and is co-dependant, I grew up taking responsibility for everything in the family and feared rejection as my mother could be emotionally detached if displeased.

My first marriage was a disaster, I was desperately seeing unconditional love and unknowingly married the son of another narcissistic mother. After 6 years I got divorced and my mother wasn't supportive, I had a breakdown and therapy and discovered I had a lot of childhood trauma from my emotionally unstable mother and alcoholic father.

I actually knew my NMIL before I met my husband and we were friends. She was very glamourous, charismatic and free thinking totally the opposite to my mother. She introduced me to my husband, who was suffering from depression after recovery from cancer. I came from a dysfunctional family but at the time I didn't recognise this family was even worse.

I feel like she started programming me in the beginning, Love bombing and using me to manipulate my husband. I was totally taken in by her, even though she always made me feel plain and not beautiful enough for her son. My admiration soon turned into fear, he moods and tantrums were crazy. I started to feel anxious and depressed when I knew we had family gatherings, but I hide it all from my husband. He was in the fog for a long time , desperately trying to gain her approval, always the scapegoat while his brother was the golden child.   

So I'm working through stuff with my own family as both my parents are elderly and I am looking after them. Trying to over come my people pleasing, self sacrificing personality as I seem to attract narcissistic people. I'm dealing with issues with my female boss also.