Family gathering

[gettingstronger1]

My husband's NPD mother has smeared me to the rest of the extended family after I set healthy boundaries with her. As a result some of his siblings give me the silent treatment. One of his siblings called me up and yelled at me on the phone. My husband knows his mother has NPD and she has created an inhospitable home for me to try to visit when the extended family visits. He wants to visit them without me and this deeply hurts. I have told him how much this hurts me but he is still going with the kids. I don't want to be over controlling because no one has the right to tell someone else what to do. So how do I deal with the pain this situation creates?

[Adria]

I have totally been where you are as many others here as well. 
I can only tell you how I've handled it.  I stopped going to his family gatherings. I stayed home Christmas Eve, Thanksgiving, birthdays, etc.  If he wanted to go, he went without me.  To me, it's his family, his choice.  I didn't get into it with him. He saw how rudely they treated me and ignored me. Neither one of us made a big fuss about it. We just did what we felt we needed to do.  In time, dh saw things for how they really are, and even admitted they weren't great to him either. 

Maybe you could just let him go alone and do something fun for yourself that day.  Eventually, he won't like to go by himself and probably will go less and less if you don't say too much about it.  Stay strong and do what you need to do to make yourself happy and allow him to do the same where his family is concerned.  It can be a touchy situation, but if you interfere too much, you could end up losing with him and you don't want that.

I've spent years trying to get my inlaws to like me and treat me nice. All my efforts did nothing in my favor. So, I let them go, and dh is understanding of that, but I still gave him the freedom to do what he feels he has to do, and I'm okay with that as long as he gives me the freedom to do what I need to do.  I'm not saying it doesn't bite sometimes, but as long as I can opt out, that's good enough for me.  I wish you the best, Hugs, Adria

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm sorry you're in this place, gettingstronger1. It sounds like you've become the SG for your in-laws, which is really unfair.

I imagine your husband is not immune to or exempt from the abusive behavior, and I wonder if another part of what bothers you is the fact that he is willing to put himself in that situation again and again. My PDmil directs more of her abuse at my husband than at me, so while I have distanced myself from her and am quite comfortable maintaining my own boundaries, it's really hard to watch my husband continue to try to have a relationship with her. It's a little too easy for me to say he should simply go NC, even if I think that would be better in the long run. I know it's more complicated than that, and I know he's always stopped short of suggesting the same when it comes to my own PDmother. So I try to have patience and empathy for him. To remind myself that this hurts him too. That I should focus on protecting myself but also on supporting him, no matter where he is in this journey.

So I agree with Adria. Focus on yourself. Let him do this at his own pace. Try not to take it personally. It is so hard to sever these family bonds, even then the only thing keeping them together at all is the fear, obligation, and guilt.

Your children are another story. Your husband is an adult and responsible for maintaining his own boundaries. But as parents, it is your responsibility to keep your children safe. If you have any qualms about them being subjected to your mil's controlling and manipulative behavior, I would discuss the possibility of keeping them away from your mil and any other abusive or enabling family members. If you do decide to let them be around your in-laws, I think there should be some clear boundaries set (not leaving them alone with mil, what to do if mil starts badmouthing you or trying to manipulate them in other ways, etc.).

[bloomie]

My husband's NPD mother has smeared me to the rest of the extended family after I set healthy boundaries with her. As a result some of his siblings give me the silent treatment. One of his siblings called me up and yelled at me on the phone. My husband knows his mother has NPD and she has created an inhospitable home for me to try to visit when the extended family visits. He wants to visit them without me and this deeply hurts. I have told him how much this hurts me but he is still going with the kids. I don't want to be over controlling because no one has the right to tell someone else what to do. So how do I deal with the pain this situation creates?

gettingstronger1 - I am really sorry you have been treated with such cruelty by your mil. What a loss for your in law family to not have a close and loving relationship with you and your family.

I would gently suggest that making a decision together about how to best go forward with people who have proven themselves inhospitable and unloving toward you is something to consider.

From where I sit this is a 'we' decision. Not a 'me' decision. This is not telling someone what to do. It is handling an issue that is coming against both of you together and with the priority being your safety and the care of your marriage and family of choice.

What do you and your DH want to communicate non verbally or verbally to his family with the decision to visit? A unified front or continuing to accommodate and spend time with people who mistreat you?

The consequences for their poor treatment of you are yours if you are culled out from your own sweet family and H and left at home while he visits. Hurting. How will their behavior ever adjust toward you if you are the one paying the price?

I believe in leaving and cleaving. You are your H's priority. The heart of your family and home. Your family of choice IS his family. Period. Anyone who would come against you with such animosity and divisiveness is someone whose behaviors are not safe and that is something to be dealt with and handled together.

Food for thought and a different perspective that I hope I didn't come on too strong with. As always, take what you need and leave the rest.

Strength and wisdom to you both as you find your way through to the solution that works for both of you.