I just can't even...wrap my head around this

[Pepin]

We are coming to the end of an era with the soon to be passing of DPD MIL.  I have been through all the emotions about this finality.....grief, anger, sadness, relief, fear.  I've never been through anything like this before - losing an abuser by their own eventual death.  It seemed like there was no end in sight waiting for this reality.  Over the years I felt that there was nothing left for me to do about the situation.  Each year became more eye opening yet it was another notch to her pattern of behavior.  And I was quietly hoping that each notch would open DH's eyes and it now seems like he really just never got it.  I am still struggling to admit to myself that there is the strong possibility that all along he has just been looking the other way.  It was so important to him to honor her wishes and to be loyal until her end...and it just didn't matter to him that he was being used like a pawn and being hurtful to myself, our children and other close family members.  I just cannot even wrap my head around what his thought process was.  And maybe that is all about to change now.

Things are going to change because DH will no longer have anyone to take direction from.  Our biggest mistake was agreeing to move closer to her when we were just married.  The DH then vs the one now was such a different man.  He was independent, generous, caring and good to himself.  The man now is one who has been manipulated, semi-broken and not good to himself.  I am sad to see what he has become because of what he allowed from her.  Her immaturity and helplessness are two qualities that I am relieved to no longer be a part of our lives anymore. 

I hope that without her in the picture anymore, that our marriage can return to what our original intentions were when we met and married.  So much veered off track...lots of mistakes were made....many excuses were thrown around causing unnecessary hurt and pain....poor communication, bad manners and helplessness being used control...just so many bad things!

Today I checked my blood pressure and now it is too low despite being on medication.  I knew this would happen....that as the abuse flows out of my life, that my health would begin to improve.  For the last number of years I have been sinking into despair....just hanging on by my teeth - grinding my teeth and waking up with massive headaches and overall body pain - a decline that I just couldn't explain to my practitioners for someone my age.

I love my husband.  I really do.  And it has been so hard to leave his side because I always kept hoping that I could somehow get him to see the dysfunction.  He just couldn't see it.  But now, as his mother fades out, I think he is starting to wake up.  I have always been on his side.  Always.  No wavering.  Waiting.  Quietly setting boundaries with mixed results.  Living in fear....but doing it calmly like I learned to do growing up in dysfunction. 

I don't know what is going to happen next.  But I do know that it is going to be better.  And I am ready.  Because during this time of doom, I have fended off any other abusers from crossing our threshold.  Zero have entered.  Anyone new is a suspect.  I have learned so much from DPD MIL about people like her.  I have also learned so much from NF and people like him.  And there have been a few other minor PDs that got the boot and I am monitoring other family members that have the potential to rise up.  But at least DH sees what I see with regards to these other family members and this is a good thing that we can *finally* be united about. 

But again....I hope I am done with people like this.  I've had enough.  I am looking forward to holidays and birthdays on OUR terms.  This is huge.  I am internally giddy about this.  No one to step on my toes anymore.  Every single holiday is going to kick ass.  I might even *like* celebrating my birthday again.  I think I might start actually enjoying living again...but, we'll see.  The ball is in DH's court now.  Who he becomes after the dust has settled will determine my next chapter.  We either move on together or I go my own way. 

It is interesting that I initially started my journey here on Out of the FOG because of NF.....and then it generally became all about DPD MIL - which has actually been a deeper pain that what NF caused.  I didn't have the option to go NC with her (only VLC) like I did with NF because she is not blood related and because I had to buffer our kids from her.  But now that she is expiring, I am free.  I am just finally free of her.  Just effing free....I just can't even.   

[Hilltop]

Pepin, I am simply relieved for you, you are free and feeling positive and giddy for the future.  Although I am sorry for your husband and his grief, I am so happy for you and the freedom that comes.  I am so happy for the upcoming celebrations and holidays that will be free from her negativity.  I remember your posts about her coming for the holidays and you sat there quietly, doing MC, because that's what worked with her, so your holidays were subdued and stilted surrounded by negativity.  So yeah I am sorry for your husbands pending loss but I am so happy for you.

I am glad this will be the removal of the final PD person in your life.  That you move forward with all those life lessons under your belt and you can be more discerning of the people you allow into your life from now on.  Like you say, In-law problems are harder on some levels because it's harder to go NC as you have a spouse there to consider and the spouse themselves can also be the source of great conflict and hurt.  With our own FOO we do have more control over how much contact we have. 

It's good to see your blood pressure is down.  I wonder if the headaches were due to your high blood pressure, I know when I am stressed I can get headaches.  Like the book "The body keeps score", it certainly does.  I guess our bodies can be spinning out of control without us sensing it consciously.  Then the end result is body pain and headaches.  I remember a thread about that a while back and it was eye opening how many of us posted about the effects on our bodies after interactions with our PD's. 

[SunnyMeadow]

We are coming to the end of an era with the soon to be passing of DPD MIL.   But now that she is expiring, I am free.  I am just finally free of her.  Just effing free....I just can't even.

The ultimate in freedom. I completely understand where you're coming from Pepin. No more vLC, medium chilling through holidays, feeling uncomfortable in your own home....just freedom. I'll bet that giddy and light feeling will be huge. I'm glad you're finally going to be done with all her stuff. Yes, please do enjoy living again!!

[Pepin]

Ugh.  And now things change again.  The mood shifted yesterday when DH returned home from his caretaking shift of his mother.  I know he is exhausted and everyone is doing the best they can.  I hesitate to write about this but I fear that I am on the verge of a mental breakdown.  I have some issues going on that I cannot text to anyone-- not even my friends or siblings.  I can't even provide the details here for fear of possibly exposing myself.  All I can say is that it is terrible to be in this position.  DPD MIL seems to be hanging on and we could be in for another week of this.  DH is becoming more fragile by the second and any wrong move by any of us could land us in hell.  He is being passive aggressive about his demands meaning that he would like for something to happen but says it is ok if it won't....but I know that if it isn't complied with, he will erupt and be absolutely miserable.  His demand is coming from a place of hurt and selfishness.  I am sick with fear as I write this.  I know that death like this is a surprise but somehow it just seems somewhat calculated.  It is happening during what was supposed to be a time of celebration and happiness; instead it is consuming everything and causing rift.  It is terribly unfortunate - yet at the same time, seems to parallel DPD MIL's overall pattern of behavior.  There was always an emergency with her that ended up being really nothing at all.  Or better yet, she would have a true emergency and postpone needing actual help and then we all feel like crap.  It is just unfair.

I don't know what the right answer is here.  I am just so tired, angry and done with her.  And I am tired, angry and pretty close to being done with DH as well.

[Hilltop]

 Hugs. Sounds like it's a tough time. 

[escapingman]

Pepin, I really feel for you. Keep strong, hang in there.

I want to share a story that might be happening for you to so please be aware. Me and my uNPDw also made the mistake and moved close to her parents, uNPDfil and uNPDmil. The drama and control they put onto my wife was excruciating and I had to be there on my wifes side all the time, uNPWmil in particular tried to turn my wife against me at any opportunity. But uNPDfil was very overt and very physical, he took a lot of space and uNPDmil could most often go under the radar and so could uNPDw. When fil died I thought things would get better, but how wrong was I. Without the backing of fil UNPDmil failed to put her complete authority over me and uNPDw and we all had a massive fallout. At this point I thought things would get really good, with both inlaws out of the picture, only me and my wife (and kids). But with no drama being coming from the in laws, guess where the drama needed to come from now. From this moment, the relation between me and my uNPDw went downhill as we were no longer in a team against her parents, I was now the new enemy,

[Pepin]

Pepin, I really feel for you. Keep strong, hang in there.

I want to share a story that might be happening for you to so please be aware. Me and my uNPDw also made the mistake and moved close to her parents, uNPDfil and uNPDmil. The drama and control they put onto my wife was excruciating and I had to be there on my wifes side all the time, uNPWmil in particular tried to turn my wife against me at any opportunity. But uNPDfil was very overt and very physical, he took a lot of space and uNPDmil could most often go under the radar and so could uNPDw. When fil died I thought things would get better, but how wrong was I. Without the backing of fil UNPDmil failed to put her complete authority over me and uNPDw and we all had a massive fallout. At this point I thought things would get really good, with both inlaws out of the picture, only me and my wife (and kids). But with no drama being coming from the in laws, guess where the drama needed to come from now. From this moment, the relation between me and my uNPDw went downhill as we were no longer in a team against her parents, I was now the new enemy,

Thanks for the share -- and it is definitely something I will be quietly monitoring as we move on from this.  However, I think I have been the target all along from the moment we moved closer.  And after FIL passed, things definitely took a turn for the worse when my husband somehow got assigned head male of the entire family.  I had no idea this was a thing that he had this "loyalty" to his mother like this.  He started taking over doing some of the things his father used to do and I was extremely uncomfortable.  It meant that less of his time was being spent with me or our children.  I'm like, why can't y'all hire someone or rotate amongst the family members to get things done?  Oh, because only my DH can do it.  Only him.     I did manage to talk DH out of some of the tasks but other tasks he really dug his heels in.  Over the years I could see how he was being used more and more - and in ways I could never imagine.  DPD MIL spent a lot of time coming up with ideas that I just can't even share because they are so outrageous. 

I am worried about how things will be after she is gone.  I *HOPE* that perhaps DH can return to being the man I initially married who was protective of me?  Honestly, I am not sure what he could call me out on since I am incredibly independent of him.  Sometimes I feel like we are just roommates -- and it wasn't because I steered us that way, it was because I felt as though I just didn't fit into his equation anymore.  I know what feeling dead inside feels like.  If I don't see change after her death, then I'll just pivot.  There is no sense living the rest of my life with someone that doesn't want me by his side.  But it really wasn't fair that he threw me under the bus for her either.  That being said, I see why he did it.  But it is still no excuse.  And thankfully our kids are older and know all the dysfunction....so he can't even knock them down if he tried.  If there is one silver lining in all of this it is that our kids are warriors.  *sigh*

[bloomie]

Pepin - the end of life vigil - I think I understand that is what you all are going through - is like a suspension of time in some ways. Time blends together and there is a an entire cascade of conflicting emotions and thoughts. I am just so sorry this is happening and the toll it is taking on you and your DH and family. I am so sorry this ending for your mil may extend for a few more days or so.

Sending you peace and strength as for take this one day, or moment, at a time.

[Pepin]

Pepin - the end of life vigil - I think I understand that is what you all are going through - is like a suspension of time in some ways. Time blends together and there is a an entire cascade of conflicting emotions and thoughts. I am just so sorry this is happening and the toll it is taking on you and your DH and family. I am so sorry this ending for your mil may extend for a few more days or so.

Sending you peace and strength as for take this one day, or moment, at a time.

Thanks, Bloomie.  Yeah....her departure seems to keep being moved out further and further.  Everyone has said their good byes as we believed it was going to happen quickly.  The entire family gathered in force and now many have had to return home or can no longer be available until it actually happens.  DH says it feels like a punishment to both her and those of us watching her die.  He is correct in a sense but for those of us who were her victims, we have already been punished enough.  I have been quietly waiting a long time for this so another week or two isn't going to make a difference to me...and I know quite a few others feel the same way.