Questioning my Sanity

[BefuddledClarity]

Am I going crazy??

Just today, right when my partner got home, he said something to the effect of "Since you're not cooking, we'll need to go grocery shopping" after I ate out---but whenever he eats out, I keep my mouth shut. It's always double standards with him. I just said "Okay, cool" and he said I "have an attitude".

I just recently lost the car keys(which I never do) and looked everywhere, he kept lecturing me on not losing it even though he loses his house keys EVERYDAY and even leaves it at the door and has accidentally took my car keys to his work a few times making me unable to take my son to daycare. I just say "don't worry about it, it's okay". But when I lose it ONCE he hounds on me forever and calls me lazy and keeps saying "did you check your pants pockets" and other stupid stuff when I answered him "yes" a billion times, he does not listen.

He's constantly negative all the time and it bums me out because I was in a good mood today.

He always complains about the house being dirty too, when he hardly ever helps clean and I'm cleaning the house everyday.

I told him he can leave and he said "it's not fair, because I'm not on the lease this time"

Funny how he threatened to kick me out all the time and but now that he's not on my lease he says it's"unfair".

I'm just really tired and wish he would leave. I don't know what to do at this point. I don't have any support at all from anyone. I give up on asking for advice from family and plan on cutting them out too. :-/

I just want to give up...I'm tired.


I have so much anger bottled up that I screamed at him to leave my house and he said I was "crazy" despite all the shit he puts me through.

[ChillNow]

You're not going crazy.  Whether he is aware of it or not, he is draining you by using you to prop himself up.

You used the words 'negative' and 'complains' and 'threatened to kick you out all the time.'

It's no wonder you feel bummed out in your own home and at times feel almost crazy as a result.

I'd venture to say that he has been projecting his moods/frustrations onto you.  It is exhausting and unhealthy.

My ex threatened divorce/separation/adultery many times.  Pure manipulation/intimidation!  (I've been gone for 17 months.)

Has he shown you sufficiently who he is?

[BefuddledClarity]

You're not going crazy.  Whether he is aware of it or not, he is draining you by using you to prop himself up.

You used the words 'negative' and 'complains' and 'threatened to kick you out all the time.'

It's no wonder you feel bummed out in your own home and at times feel almost crazy as a result.

I'd venture to say that he has been projecting his moods/frustrations onto you.  It is exhausting and unhealthy.

My ex threatened divorce/separation/adultery many times.  Pure manipulation/intimidation!  (I've been gone for 17 months.)

Has he shown you sufficiently who he is?

I used to blame his behaviour on the alcohol and say "well, that's the alcohol talking. He's been sober for 2-3 months... he'll get better" but he keeps lasping and I'm tired of always picking up his pieces...he tore the house down knocking over things to find the keys that I lost. I was in a good mood until he yelled at me to hurry up right after I get out of the shower. I don't do that to him. When he comes home, I always allow him an hour to decompress then address any issues we have later---but he didn't extend the same courtesy.

He's definitely projecting a lot. I tried to medium chill or grey rock but he just kept poking the bear until I exploded on him and he told me to "calm down" even though he was constantly nagging at me earlier.

Everytime I tell him to leave for good, he acts like I'll "regret it", then he comes crawling back with bullsh*t apologies and I've forgave him one too many times.


I tried to get support from his family who said they understood, but now they say I'm on my own. They're just as toxic too and have alcoholics that I wish to stay away from and keep my son from. Its just a pain in the ass that I have to deal with it all...

Sorry I sound really...negative right now just tired. :-/

I only called my aunt twice about it and she told me to "figure it out" so I gave up and blocked her number after. I'm not close to my own family anyways and just not caring right now. All I care about is my son and how this will affect him.


I stayed in the relationship for my son for so long...His dad is decent with him and they get along well for the most part, just terrible to me.

But when he doesn't feel like watching son, he delegates son to me. He'll be right next to son and "ask" me to change his diaper because he already "changed two poopy diapers today". Okay?...I deal with my son 24/7 and hardly had a break. Used to have my son at home before I found a new daycare. It was tiring and affecting my (new) job.

Ahh I'm rambling a lot.


Anyways, I'm angry about the situation and frustrated that it couldn't be simple and that I feel like a child being scolded.

But also feel lonely because I moved to a city with no friends nor close family(my favourite uncle lives out of the country...and is one of my good friends I would say. I have a few cousins I like too---they also don't live in this country). My friends all live about 1,000+ kilometers away from me and I haven't talk to them in a looooong time. Just stuck around PD people that I don't wanna be around...

[BefuddledClarity]

Sorry for double-posting...

Minor update: he had the car keys the whole time and went "I hope you don't get mad at me but...it turns out I had the keys the whole time, I didn't check my right side pocket. I'm sorry babe. Are you mad at me?" With a cheesy smile on his face.

I just felt exhausted after that and told him I'm not mad...

But now I do feel physically and emotionally drained...and upset for wasting my time looking for the car keys. I know I always put my keys in the same spots each time(I'm a bit "OCD" about certain things) and felt like I was losing my mind because there is NO way I would put it anywhere else. So my thought was maybe my son took my car keys since he somehow got my house keys when they were in the bathroom with me while I showered?? Even though I closed the bathroom door---so that means my partner must've opens the door and little one took it...

Idk...exhausted...unhappy with partner & family at the moment and shut my brain out for the time being.

[notrightinthehead]

My H did that to me some times. My key disappeared and then, much later, he would "find" it where I had looked 10 times. He gained some sadistic pleasure from me doubting my sanity.  At least yours tells you that he had it all the time. In his pocket! Hard to believe that he would be unaware of that. Maybe secretly he enjoyed having you grounded at home, looking for your key, and yelling at you.

I am sorry that you feel so alone. I also found it so lonely living with abuse.  I also felt ashamed that I would allow my partner to treat me that way.  Do you have access to a domestic violence centre? A CoDA group? AlAnon? These are all places where you might find people who understand you and have similar experiences. Often our family and friends are overwhelmed by our problems and our inability to do much more than just vent while we are in the middle of it.  They expect us to do the healthy thing, set boundaries, and separate if the partner does not respect us. Often we cannot do this. Or we go looking for another partner, just to find shortly after that we have jumped from the frying pan into the fire.
This forum is really good for support and information but it is up to you to set it into practice. A little real life support can make all the difference and help you feel stronger.

I make lists of things to be done, then tick them off. This helps me. Do whatever you need to do to get through the tasks you set yourself and every day schedule in some time to find support for yourself.
Finally: Have you read "Why does he do this" by Bancroft? You might find some very valuable information there.

[blunk]

I'm sorry to say it, but as soon as I read your original post, my first thought was...he has her keys.

My bpdxh would do things like that, things that I knew I just had, or just saw, would disappear. It would be because "the house is so messy", or I'm not as organized as him (hint, I was far more organized). He would harp on it until I was so sick of hearing t that I would snap at him, then I was called crazy. It is a form of gaslighting...and it worked, you are questioning your sanity!

[BefuddledClarity]

My H did that to me some times. My key disappeared and then, much later, he would "find" it where I had looked 10 times. He gained some sadistic pleasure from me doubting my sanity.  At least yours tells you that he had it all the time. In his pocket! Hard to believe that he would be unaware of that. Maybe secretly he enjoyed having you grounded at home, looking for your key, and yelling at you.

When my partner is intoxicated or under the influence, he's oblivious to everything. He loses things easily and I end up finding his things all the time because his mind isn't completely there. He wasn't playing a joke because he needed the car keys to run some errands and thought I was the one to mess up and got very angry with me and insulted me. But I don't do the reverse to him for taking the car keys by accident(he needed something from car and forgot to put keys back).

Sometimes, he'll be annoying and move stuff around on purpose as a prank then laugh and tell me later he did that, which is annoying to me. He never hides it when he does it.

I am sorry that you feel so alone. I also found it so lonely living with abuse.  I also felt ashamed that I would allow my partner to treat me that way.  Do you have access to a domestic violence centre? A CoDA group? AlAnon? These are all places where you might find people who understand you and have similar experiences. Often our family and friends are overwhelmed by our problems and our inability to do much more than just vent while we are in the middle of it.  They expect us to do the healthy thing, set boundaries, and separate if the partner does not respect us. Often we cannot do this. Or we go looking for another partner, just to find shortly after that we have jumped from the frying pan into the fire.
This forum is really good for support and information but it is up to you to set it into practice. A little real life support can make all the difference and help you feel stronger.

I make lists of things to be done, then tick them off. This helps me. Do whatever you need to do to get through the tasks you set yourself and every day schedule in some time to find support for yourself.
Finally: Have you read "Why does he do this" by Bancroft? You might find some very valuable information there.

Tried 2/3 of those things. Domestic hotline didn't help much and feels robotic and AlAnon...is religious which I'm not(grew up in a particularly religious household that was abusive) so I left those groups. I don't know what CoDA is.  I'm not particularly good in group settings--Thinking of going back to individual therapy...Just gotta look around.

I hardly talk to my relatives because they're dysfunctional themselves, usually try to tell me how to run my life, 
and have made empty promises, but have no one here so I turnt to them. I think I rather turn to strangers than my own blood. I give up on them entirely. No friends here either, just alone. I want to move out of this city to somewhere better for son and myself ...


I'll have to look into making a list of things to do! I do like to-do lists. It helps me figure out my next steps. I have not heard of "Why does he do this" by Bancroft, I'll have to look into it!

I'm sorry to say it, but as soon as I read your original post, my first thought was...he has her keys.

My bpdxh would do things like that, things that I knew I just had, or just saw, would disappear. It would be because "the house is so messy", or I'm not as organized as him (hint, I was far more organized). He would harp on it until I was so sick of hearing t that I would snap at him, then I was called crazy. It is a form of gaslighting...and it worked, you are questioning your sanity!

I honestly asked him at one point if he had the keys and he only checked his left pocket. I had a feeling too, but didn't want to frisk him for the keys while he's intoxicated and being rude. His mind isn't completely there when he's intoxicated and he forgets things/is extremely oblivious.


Yeah, it really is gaslighting! I get annoyed when he says silly things like that and not paying attention to all the cleaning and work I put into everything. Only every once in a while, when he notices a BIG clean that I do, he'll thank me for it. I do big cleans on weekends and clean small things here and there during the weekdays based on how much time I have.

My partner is just entirely impossible to reason with when he's intoxicated and becomes really annoying and rude. I noticed he's been drinking before he comes to the house lately---he's not good at hiding it. His alcoholic dad is always buying drinks after work and sometimes gives some to my partner(they work together..his dad is his boss). Not shifting blame---it just sucks he listens to his dad too much sometimes...like his dad took control of my son's b-day party last year and nobody told me anything until only a few days prior. Nobody spoke to me in regards to my OWN son's bday, they made plans without me. It ended up being a "bro" hangout where his dad and his buddies ended up drinking instead of a b-day party. It was stupid, but I'm getting way off topic...

[Empie2204]

Everything I read here is so familiar. Now, outside this kind of life I know I KNEW it all the time. I knew it was gaslighting, projecting and abuse and I still kept living that kind of life. Although I was really free to leave any time. I have my job, I have a place to live thanks to my FOO ... But no, Empie was too concerned about the things that are proper or not, about what would people say, about the rules that actually make no sense.

Things you all describe: making you crazy about lost or "lost" things are the textbook examples of gaslighting. But they are so weird, that much weird that we think they are impossible and we put up with them, believing that no one is THAT crazy. It must be a mistake, it must be his bad day or any other lame excuse we invent.

Somewhere around the time of my leaving my grownup kids told me that they firmly believe that he sometimes does such  things on purpose. (Hiding things to prove I´m or they´re crazy.) Now I know they were right.

Probably most of us who cut our former life would "preach" the breakup. I know that giving advice is not so popular, because all of us have to gain our own experience, but I can only confirm that ending such torture is the only sane step.

[ploughthrough2021]

You are deep in the FOG and have to take steps to get out of it.  I am 1/8th out and am starting to see so much clearer !!!  I can t wait to get out fully and not have to deal with my STBXW with uPD.  This website saved me !

[JustKeepTrying]

BefuddledClarity - The writer in me likes that handle!

Your posts strike a chord within me.  For decades (32 years to OCPDxh) it was little things like your lost keys (one time we borrowed a metal detector because he lost them in the snow - I never mentioned it again but he would always bring up my losses). or papers misplaced or shoes or coats or briefcase or something.  Always something.  Every day I would wait for the drama over whatever was lost or misplaced.  I too cleaned daily but he hoarded - never threw out a paper and even went through our garbage in case something was thrown out.  Once he brought in a bag of holey socks that my daughter had pitched - just in case we could use them for something else.  Daily gaslighting when I would push back.  I was overly dramatic was his favorite comeback.

I excused it as how he was brought up - Narcissistic mother-in-law - or the stress of the job - or our family stress.  We have a developmentally disabled child and I have stage IV cancer - but in the end, I realized he was choosing those behaviors and he was AWARE of his choice.  He knew what he was doing.  When the fog cleared I could see all the manipulation.  I moved hundreds of miles away to be with him and far from any family support.  I had no idea at the time he was isolating me.  It was all for work.  Even if I shared with my family what he was doing it was "I made my bed, now I have to lie on it".

It was my therapist who gave me the tools to see the way Out of the FOG.  I was also in a position to see the situation for what it was.  I dealt with my past trauma (abuse, rape, etc.). Finally clearing those emotional issues gave me the clarity and strength to leave.  I left with just a little money, took my kid and planned on living in the cheapest even if I had to a shelter - I didn't care at that point.  I walked away from our house and all my possessions - only took what fit in my little Ford Escort.  I had no idea what was going to happen. 

I am now happier than I have ever been.  Granted the pandemic sucks and I am still living in a cheap apartment - but it's mine.  No more eggshells.  My son is happier though he is in therapy for the trauma.  I thought my x was at least a good father - but as soon as I left - he kicked my son out of the house at a visitation and hasn't talked to him in nine months.  No support either (he is 19 but no help to me to help him - it all comes out of my meager alimony). He also kicked him off his health insurance.  Not a good father. 

On a side note to this long post - he portrays a good father to our adult children because he knows it gets to me.

It's all manipulation.

You have the strength to create the life you want.  You found this forum and you posted and you are following the posts and that means you are stronger than you think.  Read the book recommended - Why does he do this?  It is an amazing read.

There is life beyond this - take the steps now to create it. 

[Simon]

Wow, seems like you're going through a real hard time right now.

There is one thing I'd like to highlight from your post:

I just felt exhausted after that and told him I'm not mad...

I would say that's a big part of your problem.
If this is how his behaviour leaves you feeling, then I would say the chances are that for the entirety of your relationship it's been that way, and he knows this.
He can do what he wants, wear you down with insults, slurs, patronising comments, etc, and get away with it every time.

Accountability!!!
That's what Narcs/Borderlines hate.
In fact, they can't even comprehend it.
It's alien to them.

I am convinced that my relationship with a Borderline woman (who scored high enough on the NPD traits to be classed as that too) ended because I didn't tolerate her behaviour.
Sure, I made exceptions, and excuses to start with, and there was drink involved with her too, but as time went on, I called her on her shit, and it never went down well.
Most of the times, it became a big row, but I always kept calm, stuck to the facts to avoid her being able to muddy the water with her word salad, and after a while, when she realised that she couldn't change the subject or turn it around on me or gaslight me, she would leave the room, and not talk to me for hours (sometimes days).
Eventually, she groomed another fool behind my back, and as soon as he was hooked, she discarded me.

(BTW, I was talking to his Mother last week, and she was keen to tell me that he had put on a lot of weight since he started seeing her, and that she was worried about him. She actually used the words "He's not himself". I didn't tell her that he was with someone personality disordered, as I want to let it play out with no involvement whatsoever, so that my ex girlfriend can't blame me in any way.
I just said "Sounds like he's got a decision to make."
Later on, I felt like even that one line was me getting too involved. See how easy it is to get pulled back into the crazy?)

Anyway, I wouldn't recommend you holding them accountable if you think that they might get physical when they react.
I don't know your situation.
But I will say this, and it's going to be blunt.
If he is BPD/NPD, and you say that his family is toxic, then he probably ended up with a Personality Disorder because of his traumatic childhood around his BPD/NPD family.
You really don't want your child to develop toxic traits as a result of what they are seeing in their formative years.

My ex had a BiPolar Father, who was also NPD, and a very nasty BPD Mother, who sent shivers down my spine every time I talked to her.
My ex has 2 sisters, and they are both messed up too, one of them so much so that she has to have day to day help to survive.

I always wondered why people ended up in abusive relationships, but with my experience in the last couple of years, I no longer wonder, because anyone can be fooled by these parasites.
However, I still wonder why people stay in abusive relationships.
I am starting to understand though.
Maybe I was lucky that I didn't get too involved, or didn't allow them to treat me like crap without calling them on it, and that allowed me to get out before I was too hooked.
Also, there weren't kids involved, or any official partnership, so that simplified things.

I do understand how tangled up with the PD some people's lives are, and sympathise with anyone going through this.
Even if you don't get on with your family, is there really no way you can lean on them to help you out of this relationship?
It's always easier not to rock the boat, but at what cost to you and your child's mental health?

I wish you luck, I really do.

[Stillirise]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. One thing I found useful when I was in a similar situation, was to make sure I had taken advance steps, so that I could leave if necessary.  Of course, all of the internal work is also required, to develop your  "anti-FOG" your boundaries, etc.  However, making concrete action plans made me feel more calm and confident, and not to mention, was extremely helpful in the times I had to execute the plans. 

Yours will likely look different, but my plans included, a "bug-out" bag, containing a little cash, some clothes, and a few important documents.  I kept it hidden, nearly in plain sight, and easily accessible.  I made sure to never glance at it when things were getting dicey.  In a separate location, in my garage, I hid an extra set of car keys. I also discussed a meeting point and a "bug-out" word with the kids.  They knew if either they, or I said that word, go to the car. If someone couldn't get to the car, go to the meeting point.  I look back now that I'm over a year removed from that scenario, and I sometimes can't believe what I went though, or how far I've come.  Hang in there.  Big hugs.