Pushing 70, too late for many things... looking for hope for a small future

[Feet-of-Clay]

Though I've struggled with NPD Mom issues all my life I didn't discover what it was till age 63. And yes, Mom is still alive and kicking!

Especially after Dad passed, calls for aid were frequent and the aid was unappreciated, never enough and never right. I tried to limit contact, and set boundaries, to which I got an all or nothing reaction. I was rotten and selfish and she threw me out! That was actually fortunate as it made going NC much easier than anticipated.   I was made aware through the grape-vine that I was selfish and neglectful (abuse of the elderly was mentioned more than once) of my elderly mother (note that though not wealthy, she has enough to have anything done for her that she needs). I've been pretty well smeared in our small rural community. Fortunately, I live out of town. She has made 3-4 attempts by mail to maneuver me back into position. I did not respond.

So a few years ago she was pressuring me very hard. With a history of trying to fix things for her at her request and then being berated for my efforts, I felt like she expected me to sacrifice my own life to fix hers and typed a phrase to that effect into the net and came up with descriptions of NPD and what NPD moms do to their daughters.  Everything fell into place! I'd been trying to figure out what was going on all my life! I found and read books giving a perfect description of our family structure and the "conditioning" I went through. How my sister was golden and I was the "goat", how my Dad tried to fight it but had to back off for sake of some peace. He got robbed of moral support and we got robbed of his ..... Though he stayed in body, het was not allowed to really be there for me/us.  And all communication had to go through Mom.

I was initially elated to see that I was not to blame, but have progressed to where I see how badly distorted my personality is from her conditioning and how distorted my life has been because of that. The losses seem so great and enlightenment so late that little can be fixed. I desperately need to let it go and grab what time I have left.

I tried to abbreviate this, but it's difficult, there is so much!
Thank you for listening.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Feet of Clay,

Its so good that you are coming Out of the FOG, some people never do! I think there's always a grieving phase when we come out of it. Grieving is so important to get free. You may be nearing 70, but there is still so much you can do, and you can heal now. Do you have a T?

I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through, it all sounds so familiar!

Hopefully you can keep healing and find hobbies and outlets that bring you joy every day. I hope your healing can turn the years to come into the happiest years of your life. Apparently, the golden years are the happiest for most people anyway: https://www.theguardian.com/membership/2017/feb/20/retirement-60s-best-decade-life-ageing-joy

[Fiasco]

It's never too late! And if/when you find yourself going through a very angry period, like many of us, that's not permanent. You won't spend the rest of your days angry and wishing you never found out. Welcome to this awesome place.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! Once we know what we are dealing with, all falls into place. There is a lot of information on this site. Looking forward to seeing you on the boards.

[Feet-of-Clay]

Thank you, all! I've had no one to really share this with..... inner pressure to talk this out has led me to this site. I do have hobbies, but am finding it hard to focus on or enjoy them.

I've been looking at your tools and resources. I see that I should use the term uNPD for my mom (and I will, except when I forget to)..... I've based NPD on her treatment of our family members and the life changing effects/results on our personalities. No doubt in my mind, it fits so well with what I have read, but I am not a pro.  Moving on to look at boards now.
Many thanks

[Brahminy]

Hi Feet of clay

I'm happy to listen!! Don't apologise 

You actually give me hope, as I posted elsewhere, my mother is living out her role in a very unhealthy relationship with her father and I'm feeling the effects of it. It's never too late. I wish my mother would gain some insight - she's 64 and still trapped in a toxic state.

Please don't get sucked back down into the negative thinking. Your post sounds like you have made a massive change in yourself, totally liberated yourself from the negative and dragging influence of your mother. If my experience helps -  the next stage from recognising it is to then see how it has affected you. And it will never be too late to change that. Don't live with that negative voice on your shoulder telling you ' oh you should've done this sooner'. Ask yourself where that voice comes from I'll bet it isn't you, it's the conditioning again. Flick your mother off your shoulder and get on with making your own life now.

You sound like a lovely person and I really hope that you can let it go and be happy

x

[Feet-of-Clay]

I know it's partly conditioning.....I can't have any problems or make any,  but I feel like I'm wining and complaining and fear I won't know when to stop!

Longer version:
I was a very unhappy and anxious throughout my childhood and did not feel loved, especially by my mother.  My Dad, with whom I started out to feel very close, just disappeared into his work (he probably had to to remain with us) and became gradually more distant, leaving my sister and I to Mom.  I feel she was very jealous and drove a wedge between us and him.

So I lived most of my life believing something was wrong with me and got the impression from my Mom that it was some genetic personality flaw inherited from my Dad.   I frequently heard from her how much like him I was/am alternating with her complaints of his short-comings, the things that were wrong with him and how hard it was for her (he just couldn't do enough for her).   Maybe she didn't make the connection, but I certainly did, he was defective and I was just like him. 

Everyone had to have HER priorities and pursue them eagerly at her bidding.  We did, though not eagerly.  I couldn't help but rebel in small ways, but it was impossible to win with her.... she could out storm, cry, rant and rave till everyone shut up and gave in to her demands.  Dad gave up, his logical approach had no effect.  He just gave up, sided with her, generally went along with her program for the sake of peace, disappeared into his work, & went back to his office many evenings after dinner. No help for us little girls there and the gap widened. 

I knew my problem was mainly with my mother.  She was so controlling and demanding of her way.  No amount of logic seemed to get through to her. Any attempt to discuss personality types, and conflicts or dysfunction between them was met with denial and anger.  She seemed to really dislike me and yet would not let go of me, would not let me decide anything for myself. She set me up to remain dependent so I would not go.  She will deny this up and down, but it is still what she did All I wanted was to get away from her.  I went through two brief marriages and quick divorces (aided by Mom, of course!), only years later realizing marriage was less about love, though I was looking to feel loved, than being the only valid way (not to mention my own insecurity) to live somewhere else than with her! When I finally finished school and got a job and my own apartment, she kept telling me it was a waste of money and "helping me" by finding ways to get me back under her roof. (This is when I was over 30 yrs old, by the way).

Though she pushed me to finish college and make her proud on the one hand (supporting public image of a great Mom), she effectively stunted my growth and groomed me to remain Mama's nice little (12 yr old) helper for life!

Her conditioning was so pervasive, I could not feel confident enough to function as an adult among adults, could not overcome enough of it to pursue a career that would require me to stand in front of a group of people and talk....even though I struggled to overcome this I failed and still turned down position that would have, should have been (was) my career goal. I also failed to see there may have been career alternatives that would have worked around that flaw.

What it amounts to now is that I lost my chance at a fullfilling career, a family of my own (I was afraid to be a mother and I still think it's best I didn't do that), I let a lot of friends go because I felt I had nothing to offer them. I didn't discover what this is early enough to find help and salvage any of that, and now it's too late.

Having gone through some of the recovery stages......recognition, relief that it wasn't me, educating myself (on-going), anger and grief..... but here I'm stuck! It's like one of those interminable software loops, I keep cycling back through the anger and grief........ I'm hoping that talking about it here with you, will help me let it out and get past it before it's too late!

[JollyJazz]

Hi Feet-Of-Clay,

Sorry to hear about all you've been through! It sounds like your M seriously enmeshed you and was incredibly controlling!!! I think you've done really well to escape it all. It sounds like you're grieving a lot, which is healthy for healing by the sounds. There is a writer Jody Day that has a book about those that wanted to have children and couldn't for whatever reason (and how to grieve and heal) but it sounds like you were more okay with that maybe(?).

Sorry to hear that the way you are feeling is affecting your enjoyment of your hobbies and interests. I don't know if you are already in therapy but it sounds like you've had to deal with so much, someone else on this site let me know about better help: www.betterhelp.com
which you might be interested in. Other than that these boards are soo amazing I am so glad you've found us and I hope things continue to get happier too.

Wishing you the best 

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

For many of us it can take years, decades even, to find out what is really happening. It can still take a long time to learn about PDs and how to cope better and do things differently. For many it will be a life long journey having to cope with the person causing you pain and suffering because they are still in your life and always will be, if you choose to be in contact with them.

You have so much to offer to help others in your same or similar situation. You have a life time of experiences to draw upon.

We are all learning and trying to do things differently. It takes time to change your thinking, patterns of behaviour and reactions.

Building your self esteem is so important. Challenging long held perceptions and beliefs about yourself, being more assertive, putting your needs first, daring to say "No" all helps.

Little by little things can and will change. Realising that I can't change anyone else's thinking and behaviour has been a major step forward towards distancing and detaching myself. Letting go and not being the rescuer all the time helps as well.

You are not alone. We are not alone. Together we can share our experiences to help and support others trying to cope.

Best wishes

guitarman