Why can't I leave?

Started by Blackbird11, June 14, 2019, 11:04:54 AM

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sad_dog_mommy

Quote from: Frances29 on July 09, 2019, 08:33:14 AM
I have been documenting for 2 years now, hidden alcohol in the basement, hidden beers in the empty coolers in the garage, all photographed, time stamped, I have snapshots of all texts where he has admitted to having a 'few beers' and driving our kids, the snapshots of him promising to 'quit drinking' but refusing AA has he is just a 'binge drinker' not daily so therefore he is not an alcoholic. 

Have you ever been to an al-anon meeting?  Just because he doesn't acknowledge that he might have a problem with alcohol doesn't mean you wouldn't benefit from al-anon.  My (diagnosed) BPDexbf was also an alcoholic and I found a lot of help in the pamphlets and meetings to shift my co-dependent 'rescuing' behavior back towards what would be best for ME.  I had put my needs in the backseat hoping he would 'see the light' and be a better partner.  But my guy was like a leaky bucket.  There was nothing I could do to fill the hole.  It was never enough.  And I found the more I did the more he needed.  It was a vicious cycle. 

Be kind to yourself. 
Sometimes you don't realize you're actually drowning when you are trying to be everyone else's anchor.   

Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path.

Unconditional love doesn't mean you have to unconditionally accept bad behavior.

Frankie14

Quote from: sad_dog_mommy on July 09, 2019, 09:04:05 AM
Quote from: Frances29 on July 09, 2019, 08:33:14 AM
I have been documenting for 2 years now, hidden alcohol in the basement, hidden beers in the empty coolers in the garage, all photographed, time stamped, I have snapshots of all texts where he has admitted to having a 'few beers' and driving our kids, the snapshots of him promising to 'quit drinking' but refusing AA has he is just a 'binge drinker' not daily so therefore he is not an alcoholic. 

Have you ever been to an al-anon meeting?  Just because he doesn't acknowledge that he might have a problem with alcohol doesn't mean you wouldn't benefit from al-anon.  My (diagnosed) BPDexbf was also an alcoholic and I found a lot of help in the pamphlets and meetings to shift my co-dependent 'rescuing' behavior back towards what would be best for ME.  I had put my needs in the backseat hoping he would 'see the light' and be a better partner.  But my guy was like a leaky bucket.  There was nothing I could do to fill the hole.  It was never enough.  And I found the more I did the more he needed.  It was a vicious cycle. 

Be kind to yourself.

Thank you Sad .. I have read the Al-Anon literature online and started implementing a lot of it 2 years ago, when I finally realized he's not a heavy binge drinker he is an alcoholic (like his father, mother and brother, all 3 have almost died of alcohol related illnesses, and his bother is only 49 and was in ICU for 2 weeks a year ago with liver failure). 

BIL and FIL are non functioning alcoholics and no longer hold jobs, my FIL has not held a job since the early 80's, my MIL supported their family.  And my SIL is now the sole provider as BIL no longer works (was laid off 6 years ago for not showing up to work)..and I think that is what my DH is looking for/the ability to quit work altogether and focus on his drinking like his father and brother have been able to, but FIL and BIL married alcoholics, I never drank/don't drink, and its not going to happen.

As of 2 yeas ago, what I no longer do is cater to DH, which has made him VERY angry and resentful.  On his sober days, he's sulky and bored, the OLD ME used to say, why not go for a run, or play tennis, walk the dog, read a book, take the kids fishing, etc., the me of the last two years now walks out of the room when he says "he's bored," and is moping around the house.  When has anyone needed to offer me suggestions because I am moping and 'bored.'  So,  I am detached.  Next step is he goes to AA or he gets out of here...the years of his sneaking alcoholic etc, has killed almost all of the good will I had for him, as anyone in this situation knows quite well..

Spygirl

Hello everyone,

My pdexh was trying to medicate his mental probs with booze too.

I have no children, but escaping and divorcing was the very best thing. He was a chronic drunk driver, did not always make it in the hs, passed out in driveway.

Being savvy enough to document is amazing, you are good to go anytime.

I wish you all the best. The status quo will change nothing, and in my case niether did the divorce. He is on his liquid diet full time now. At least i am no longer tied to it.

Frankie14

#23
Quote from: Spygirl on July 09, 2019, 02:27:02 PM
Hello everyone,

My pdexh was trying to medicate his mental probs with booze too.

I have no children, but escaping and divorcing was the very best thing. He was a chronic drunk driver, did not always make it in the hs, passed out in driveway.

Being savvy enough to document is amazing, you are good to go anytime.

I wish you all the best. The status quo will change nothing, and in my case niether did the divorce. He is on his liquid diet full time now. At least i am no longer tied to it.

I'm glad you got out. Good for you!

Yes the status quo never changes. He does a big bad, scares himself, says he is quitting. Then in 1-2-3 months right back to it. The sneaking drinks, lying, stumbling home after driving.

This weekend he drove my sons friend home completely drunk; and fought me to drive this kid home. Literally and figuratively fought me, when I tried to take the keys to stop him.

I've barely spoken to him since the 4th of July when it happened. He's sulking, and moping says he is quitting drinking and doesn't "need AA or meetings."

"Says he does stupid things when drunk." 

I'm so livid and so angry I want him to disappear and never come back to my house. Wishful thinking of course. He has no where else to go .. we have a teen and an 8 year old. Otherwise he would be LONG GONE.

I'm sorry to hijack this thread. Mods can start a new one on this topic with my initial post as I'm sure this has been dealt with here. Alcohol to hide their mental illness. My H is a covert moping manipulative Narc, the victim mode type. Tries to play woe is me. "Oh I'm just the idiot that ... or can't a guy have a beer, I think I'm a good guy ... boo hoo"

He's trying to make what he did on the 4th my fault and "Frances blowing it out of proportion."  And told me to "shut it I said I would quit" (drinking).

He could have killed this child or other innocent people on the road.. he doesn't even really seem to care ..

Also, my name is registered to his vehicle as he needed me to co-sign (goes without saying is also financially irresponsible/my  vehicle is in my own name).  I am liable for any accident as consignor that he has. I told him to get my name off his car ASAP and he went into a moping whine scene about "what you want to separate." And I said I'm not being sued because of you, cut your pity party and get MY name off your car.

I said if you drink AT ALL again we are DONE. DIVORCED AND DONE.

I've heard this -  "I will quit" before. He never has. His father, bother and mother never have quit for more then weeks or a few months.

I'm not really sure how to proceed. I've never been this angry before .. and I get lit .. (anger is my go to).

Spygirl

The only person allowing you to continue in the situation is you. You have all the power to change it at any time. Perhaps re read this thread, imagine that someone else wrote it. What would your advice be to your friend? Co worker? Sister? Daughter?

I considered these things myself. How guilty i would feel if he hurt someone. How we would both be financially ruined if he killed someone. How it would only get worse over time. On top of every other possible excuse i could make up, i did not want to participate in his flame out. I needed to jump out of the burning plane, consequences be damned.

PatriciaBateman

Quote from: Starboard Song on June 14, 2019, 11:24:36 AM
Because this is really hard: it is actually hard.

Because it is one of the irrevocabele decisions in life, and that is scary.

Because maybe it will upend so much of your support structure and patterns of life, and that feels risky.

Because maybe deep down inside you view divorce as failure, and that is disappointing.

It is perfectly rational to have a hard time with this, so be ever so kind to yourself.


But you CAN do this, if it is right for you. If it is the best for you starting from where you are. If you can get away from the environment, and have a few hours with two or three trusted friends, you can navigate to the "right" answer, and that may give you the strength to follow that compass all the way.

So much good strength to you.

You are an incredibly kind person. 

Phoenix Rising

The weight that comes with staying is crippling. Why can't you leave? Because it's really difficult being stuck in the cycle of abuse, our own patterns and habits of others! It happens to a lot of us and change is super frightening.

I was in a long-term relationship with an alcoholic NDP for five years. Never thought I would get out toward the last two years. Kept thinking about kids, belongings, money, being alone, thinking I had no supports.. thought I deserved it! Well, we  got out and I am three years NC. I remember what it was like wanting to escape but feeling unable to. It wasn't until he tried to eject me out of the car on the highway that I started taking small steps to end it for good. 

You have that power to create positive change - to live a life free of abuse and addiction. You deserve love, happiness, respect, freedom, growth and so much more! Only you can make that step. It is a tough one but for anyone who is going through this, you can do it. You will find your turning point and I hope you will choose to take that step. What the future holds after making that decision is so much brighter and fulfilling than the present.
And here you are living despite it all..

Know this: the person who did this to you is broken. Not you... I will not watch you collapse

Whatthehey

Only days before my sudden decision and action to leave, I was with my therapist.  She said you are experience emotional abuse and I would personally rather live in subsidized housing on food stamps than endure that kind of torture.

Wow, what a lightbulb or flash moment - whatever you call it.  It's only money.  You will find a way.  So worth the freedom to make my own decisions and live my life free of managing his emotions.  No more egg shells.

When you are ready, you will experience a weird moment like suddenly you see the world differently.  Once you see your partner for what they are -- you can never unsee it.

You deserve more!

Arkhangelsk

Re-reading my own words in this forum always helped me.  I KNEW what I would say to the author of what I had typed, if it had not been me.  And the advice was always to leave.

This website is called Out of the FOG for a reason.  It is epically hard to push through the confusion.  But this thing needs to be done.  We get to save ourselves from abuse and danger.  We get to save our kids.  It is good and right to leave people behind when those people are dragging up slowly under.


Blackbird11

Thank you everyone for your kind and encouraging words. I keep re-reading this thread, and I re-read all of my posts to date on the forum to remind myself of why I came here.

I know what I need to do. I have to leave. But I can't right now. There's a lot of reasons that I can't go into. Are some of those excuses? Probably. I'm trying to sort through it right now.

Of course at least once per week he tries to apologize and tell me how much he will be changing. He keeps trying to pull me back into the old dynamic. I appreciate his apologies - whether or not they are genuine. I am kind and cordial to him but remain firm in my intention to stay separate. There is something inside of me that just says "NO." whenever he tries to get me to try again at the relationship.

He is getting impatient. He said the other day that he knows I need time to think but would like to know at least a date in the future when we can make a final decision.

I had a very stressful few weeks - I literally just put the situation on the back burner so I could navigate some health stuff - but now that is over for now. So I have been trying to regain strength and focus. I will need both of those things when I'm ready to start moving forward on leaving.

I'm not a religious person - more spiritual. However, I have been trying to pray for additional strength and clarity. I feel like that's all I know to do right now. I'm so tired of all of this.


Arkhangelsk

Dear Blackbird,
Just keep listening to that inner voice that tells him "NO."

Do you have any friends or family who are local?  These are good people for logistics.  Sometimes all you can do is tell them you know what you need to do (leave), but that you are just stuck and cannot free up the mental space to plan.  Ask them to use their brains to come up with a solution for things like housing and moving and opening your own bank accounts, etc.  Sometimes all we can do is decide and then we need other people to handle the execution for us - because it takes all we have just to cling to the knowledge that we do know what we need to do. 

For example, maybe someone can make a spreadsheet with you regarding finances and access your financial reality.  I know I often operated in this fog of thoughts along the lines of, "It will be so expensive to move out, so I cannot do it."  But that is fear - not data.  Unfortunately, I was so emotionally wiped out that I could not make myself move on creating the data.  I literally needed someone to sit and hold my hand and help me make a spreadsheet, because gathering the numbers seemed like climbing a mountain.  But wow.  When I had the actual data in front of me - then I had new power.  Because I replaced "It will be too expensive" with "it will cost me ___ dollars to support myself in the next quarter."  That latter statement is powerful because you can decides real things based on it. 

bohemian butterfly

Blackbird11,

Just wanted to let you know that I think that you are brave and strong.  I know that inner voice, the "no" and that is a good thing because in your gut you know.

I also get the knowing that you want to leave but can't right now (I was in the same boat for awhile).  The one way that I dealt with it was to do one task a day.  By breaking my plan down in smaller bits, I was able to keep some of my mental energy (to survive in his presence and to just function) but every day I was a step closer.  It can get overwhelming is you just see a pile of things that you need to do, but if you break it down, it isn't as insurmountable.  And you boost your self esteem ever time you do one thing.  Some days I couldn't do anything, but on those days I just prayed and breathed and tried to center (re-group).  It was almost like running up this tall hill (some days you just need to stretch and take some breaths so that you can continue your journey)

Keep the faith.  We are here.