The truth war goes on

[escapingman]

I am exhausted, I have spent the majority of the weekend listening to recordings from the last 3 years. I took me back in the middle of the abuse and I felt physically ill at times. I finalised what I got this morning and wrote a response for my solicitor. I managed to get up to on a helicopter view of it all today after being down on the details all weekend. I feel much better and I think I have evidence for half of the incidents, with the rest of them dismissed as just pure lies. Unless she has some secret stuff somewhere from any reactive abuse during my time in the FOG or challenging her to break free she should not have much. On the emergency hearing in a few days it's going to be truth versus lies, I sincerely hope the judge can see through her lies. I have really been back in hell listening to all these recordings, but at least it really cemented in my mind how bad things were and how happy I am out of that situation. But my head is spinning right now.

[SonofThunder]

Hello EM,

Sorry you had to go through this necessary and difficult procedure.  I agree that looking back can have those benefits going forward of reinforcement that we are on the right path.  My thoughts and prayers are with you as you continue to move forward with your battle, in truth. 

SoT

[justducky]

  to you, EM. You and your girls are in my thoughts.

[hhaw]

EM:

When your nose is ON the pebble....
when you can't manage to create spaciousness eough to provide perspective and view of the entire field.....
remember you can borrow our filters. 

Remember you aren't and weren;t ever expected to be perfect or superman or an unbeakable being who;s been officially charged with caretaking the feelings and actions, bt they rages or sadness or agression or verbal attacks against you and esp against children.  I know you've done that.  Felt obligated to DO that, EM.  It will drop away in unexpected ways as you walk this path with your T.

Just bc you married stbx, and perhaps were too patient, too willing to feel responsible and in control of the PD's rages, etc....
that doesn't give stbx the right to abuse you till you break then point at you as the broken abuser, don't
you
let
her
inside
your
head.
Don't you
allow
that twisted
narrative to
have
power over you now.

You can't afford it any longer, EM.  The days of putting up with abuse, downplaying it, stoicly cleaning up after it and gritting your teeth through it while your children are buffeted by those hot winds of manipulation  and terror.......
you KNOW who you are, what you've done and why you did it. 

The stbx has driven you to reactivity and that's human.  NOthing to be ashamed about or avoid..... if you have to answer for it you'll do it with a yes or a no and  your attorney will give yu a chance to explain it in a short concise way, bc that's what responsible healthy adults DO.  They take responsibility and they explain it..... you can't control the PD's chaos and abuse and the marriage is toxic and harmful to your children and you and stbx isn't served by the dynamics either, for that matter.  You;re breaking the cycle, getting yuorself and hopefully the kids AND stbx the help needed to overcome and.....
that;'s your story to write, whatever it ends up being, EM. 

You can write it out, read it, write it again and again until you've distilled it down into a manageble truth you can speak about with confidence and courage,, bc you've distilled it down AND internalized that truth.

I would just scream onto the page and write and write and write an write till I had nothing else to scream onto the page.

Read it, then write it out again..... less screaming....more understanding..... then read and write again an again until no one, NOT EVEN THE PD, could unhinge me with words, facial expressions or deeds.... I just HAD IT solidly INSIDE my Nervous System and brain and felt confident in the facts and my ability to state and defend them without reactivity.

THAT is responsiveness, EM.
Cultivating your abilityto be responsive to yuor children, the Court, yourself and any COWs... crisis of the week, for we all have them. 

When my children were small they attended a very progressive school where spanking wasn't allowed and non violent communicatin was taught and required.  One of the things the girls brought home were journals for self reflection and they always wrote down their day's ROSE and THORN.

THIS terribly painful, brutally destructive divorce process will tear you down, over an over. Consider that part the thorns.

If you finish this... if you do your best, and haven't you ALWAYS done your best......
the ROSES will be the work requied to get you through to the other side, the understanding you gain from woring out the puzzle and facts and reasons you are so patient, selfless and willing to sacrifice yourself.

Those are things you'll get to and lead to healing, building healthier habits and bonds and
c h i l d r e n.

It's not all good, but you're heading in the best possib;e direction, doing good work, for the rigth reaasons in the right way to the right degree..... if yuo're holding the PD accountable at every turn and expressing compassion for her ALWAYS.... you're doing evrything u can and that, my friend, is enough.

Breathe..... in and out of survival mode.... it's normal and OK and you may trust you're going to get through this.

One day you'll notice the sun on your face and a smile just to feel it. 
Maybe you'll wonder at having gotten through the madness and beyond it, bc for a while there... it's difficult to believe it will end, but it does, EM.

This too shall pass.

Promise.

[escapingman]

Thanks all of you,

I got some follow up questions regarding timestamps I has missed, but when I found them and finalised it I felt a huge sense of relief. It was almost like a big stone just dropped from my chest and pure happiness came over me. Ended up playing with SG in the garden and then went to the shops and picked up some new prescription swimming goggles I treated her to and ordered during the week we stayed in a hotel.  She also picked up some stationery in the shop on the way, we both were very happy. I know this might be temporary, but right now I feel I have done my damn best right now to provide as much evidence as I can for this hearing. I got 14 recordings over to the solicitor, 4 photos and a word document countering every single one of her accusations. I am very lucky my solicitor employed a new les experiences solicitor a few months ago and she has spend all afternoon listening to the recordings and hopefully put a case together. Yes it will be expensive, but I am so glad for having the help with it and that someone less expensive than the senior solicitor spend all the time on it.

I am not going to think about worst case scenario in the hearing, but I am going to try to heal. I am in some way pleased I listened to so much of my material as that really reminded me about it all. But whilst listening, the absolute worst abuse was the last couple of months leading up me eventually leaving. The recording from 2 years ago was way more violent though as she did know I was on her case and she let her mask slip completely several times, the last months has been way more calculated abuse.

I told SG she can invite any friend she wants this week and they can have a party in the garden and I will do a barbeque for them. Sounds like she invited quite a few, that is some fun she deserves and I hope I will be allowed to host it for her in the end.

Thanks again for all your support, this is a roller coaster and a half.

[guitarman]

Well done. You've done your best without any support. You couldn't do any more. It's now out of your hands.

I hope you can relax for a bit and have some fun times with your daughter.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[escapingman]

I just had to cancel all work for a few days with a few very upset clients. I had to come clean and tell what is going on and now I have the backing from them. It's amazing what telling what actually is going on is helping compared to keeping it all to myself.

[Stillirise]

I'm glad you were able to free up your time, to focus on the battle at hand.  Most people tend to be supportive and understanding, once you let them have a glimpse behind the curtain.  It helps to spread the burden out, too.  I found I had a close circle, and 2-3 rings out from there, where I could unload things, without emotionally dumping on the same 1-2 people.  Sometimes your support network ends up a lot differently than you expect! Best wishes in the coming days! 

[escapingman]

How can this be allowed, is the system built for people to abuse it?

Emergency hearing tomorrow, uNPDx submit an application based on a pack of lies. I spend 4 days solid finding evidence, instruct solicitors and barristers and rack up a substantial cost. Takes 3 days off work to manage all this. Cafcass do an emergency investigation and comes with their recommendation to the judge, sends it to me and uNPDx as well. Recommendation suggest a full investigation needs to be started to determine if all the facts are correct and if anyone is lying, 2 minutes later she has pulled the emergency hearing. Now this recommendation will be presented in the next hearing and delay it all by 2 months instead of it starting tomorrow. Not surprised she wanted this to go away as her accusations are a pack of lies. Apparently this won't even go against her, she conned the judge that I had agreed to pull the hearing and the judge were not bother to ask my solicitor.

So here we are, totally stressed out, worn out, loads of money wasted and a weeks income sacrificed.

At least I now know, she has nothing, absolutely nothing to prove her allegations. Of course I already knew as they were made up, but now I know she is not prepared to test her lies, at least not yet.

[escapingman]

I am so tired, literally after my solicitor confirmed the emergency hearing tomorrow is off and very unlikely reinstated, my body just shut down. I almost fell asleep on the spot. I had to cook for me and SG, then we went for a walk, but I am so tired. It must be the body just turning off the latest fight and just settle down. I did try to relax today to calm for tomorrow, took a long bath at lunch time making myself ready for the onslaught, the one that's just not gonna happen. At least, if nothing change tomorrow morning, that she probably can't pull any immediate stunts as she walked away from her emergency hearing. Me myself is again considering if I should go and file a report at the police, state I went through my evidence again and realise she needs prosecuting. I am all up for it now, the gloves are off.

[square]

She says you agreed to this?

Would that have not violated the no contact order?

Once again I don't understand how yanking the hearing doesn't impact her at all. It looks guilty as hell to me.

How do these people get away with everythinggggggggg

[escapingman]

She says you agreed to this?

Would that have not violated the no contact order?

Once again I don't understand how yanking the hearing doesn't impact her at all. It looks guilty as hell to me.

How do these people get away with everythinggggggggg

Sorry but it would have been her solicitor telling the judge my solicitor would have agreed, or something like that.

Yes to me it looks like she knows she lied, she will be found out and therefor got the hearing cancelled. I am going to have to get all the facts straight but she will have to pay for this, either through the court or else I find a way. I can't afford spending thousands of pounds every time she makes up some lies for the hearing to never happen as she has no leg to stand on.

But, she has taken her gloves off which means I have been forced to as well. If I go to the police, if they open an investigation that's on the tax payers and not me. Might actually be much better, both financially and effectively.

[square]

It's so frustrating all the £££ you spent, days off, and how much adrenaline you subjected your body to these past few days. Nit to mention plain okd ruined weekend.

I hope this bites her in the end cause it just looks bad.

She gets accused of abuse, she counterclaims, an emergency hearing is granted EVEN THOUGH you are not even together and there is no contact!! While your emergency hearing was denied WHILE you were living with her!! Anyway, they open aninvestigation and POOF it gets withdrawn COME ON.

I hope you'll be able to use that. She FILED it. It's official even if withdrawn. SHE LIED TO THE JUSTICE SYSTEM and you can prove it.

UGHHHH sorry man I can get a little frustrated sometimes lol

[hhaw]

EM:

IF you can bring charges against your stbx..... bring them.  With everything you've got.  Just..... let her have it with all THE BIG evidence and don't tell the Police what to do with that information... let them do what they do to ANYONE who commits the crimes stbx committed.

AND.... I'd absolutely pull all my documentation together and include the false allegations she filed when she applied for that "emergency hearing."

Ummmm.... SHE GOT a hearing.  You didn't get a hearing, but the abuser GOT a hearing.  That's evidence of abuse, IME and I hope you can explain that succinctly so it's easy to understand and prove...... it's part of the alienation.... goes hand in hand with not wanting a full investigation bc you'd PROVE she's the abuser.

I wish I knew how to go to the police with that kind of information.  I never recevied any help from them, bc thy were angry at me for refusing to file charges the first time I went to the police station...... it's very frustrating for them.  Victims who get wishy washy and seem unsure what they want often drop the charges, so.... I understand their frustration.  It must be difficult to watch victims go against their own interests.  I'm sure it is.

Whatever you do.... DO NOT SEND CONFUSED MESSAGING ABOUT WHAT IT IS YOU WANT.  If you file those charges, be parepred to follow through calmly and with COMPASSION for the PD.

Prepare to do whatever it takes to hold the PD's feet to the fire, which is your best bet to ending this divorce trauma sooner and with the best possible outcome.  You'll have leverage to get GC to safety IF you go fast, go furious for the most stringent consequences available to you..... GET THE HELP YOU NEED BY OUTING THE PD.

Also, there was only 1 page for me to write out my (courtesy) police report...... think about what it is you'll allege, make it short and keep it simple.  They don't want details, EM.  They only want the hamburger...... remember to give ONLY the hamburgers you've documented....no bun, condiments or veggies.  No crazy PD behaviors you can't prove. 

PS.... THIS, this terrible roller coaster you're on..... it's a less terrible roller coaster than some go through in divorce Court with a PD.  Your PD is OUT of your physical space... THAT IS HUGE!  Focus on the positives and go for the throat when yuo have to think about the legals.

Keep building joy and new rituals with SG. Maybe she should give a statement to the police officers when yuo give yours? If nothing elsse, I'd have her sign any statement she;s given in front of a notary while you still can.  Getting her into T will help document your case.  You've got this, EM.

[justducky]

IF you can bring charges against your stbx..... bring them.  With everything you've got.  Just..... let her have it with all THE BIG evidence and don't tell the Police what to do with that information... let them do what they do to ANYONE who commits the crimes stbx committed.

AND.... I'd absolutely pull all my documentation together and include the false allegations she filed when she applied for that "emergency hearing."

Go on the offensive. You spent the money, time, and effort to assemble all of that evidence. Use it! Don't wait for her next move.

[escapingman]

My solicitor managed to reinstate the hearing much to the distress if uNPDx and her solicitor as they shot themself in the foot now. They got nothing they asked for, but I got everything fast tracked and we both have been invited to provide a new statement  each and evidence backing it. I have 2-3 weeks to do this and will have to spend the time going through more and more recordings to provide to my solicitor. This time the judge was actually bothered and wants to get to the bottom with who is lying and who is telling the truth reasonable quick. A small victory for me in the sense that she did not get what she wanted which was a court order for me not being allowed to get near GC, instead social services will get involved and recommend short term what happens. TBH I don't even know what was agreed and not but uNPDx did not win, that's what matters. My solicitor and barrister think the hearing went well for us, they must know.

I am exhausted to say the least.

[justducky]

Fantastic news!  Way to go, EM! 

[square]

Wow! Ok!

[SonofThunder]

Fantastic news!  Way to go, EM! 

One skirmish at a time EM 👍.  Press on in truth soldier! 

SoT

[escapingman]

I am not sure if I can do this, listened to a couple of recordings again and I feel ill. It takes me right back and make me feel like a victim again. I see if I can get a few sorted but no way I mentally survive listening to all of them. I just need this to end, but unfortunately I think it's along way left as she will just keep playing up.