The truth war goes on part 2

[escapingman]

As the previous thread reached 5 pages I will continue here.

The washing line snapped, all washing fell on the grass. All my white washing got grass and dust on it. The world didn't end. It worked to pick up the washing, shake off the grass, repair the washing line a hang it up again. WITHOUT DRAMA! This is life, things happen, you just get on with it. This morning SG asked me why we never ate as a family when uNPDx was still living here? She then asked why uNPDx always took the living room doing her stuff and never asked the rest of us what we wanted and why we never spent the evening as a family doing family things. If I needed any validation I am doing the right thing. Yesterday we had a great night, first I had a serious conversation about trust with her. She had as I mentioned in my previous thread taken some items to school to give to GC and did it in secrecy. She tried to hide from me when she came home, but I had it out with her and told her wonderful and kind she is to give the items to GC, but that she should never go behind my back and that she could just tell me what she was planning to do. After the conversation I could see her melting and was back to her own self again and we had a blast in the evening and ended up playing X-box until close to midnight.

I sent some of my voice recordings to the social workers yesterday as I mentioned before, they are going to speak to me next week and I really hope they have listened carefully to them and are ready to act. They seemed concerned enough to immediately ask for when the recording were done. Trying to optimistic but it looks like the clouds are gathering over uNPDx's head and that her lies are being exposed one after the other. When the social workers were here they immediately dismissed her accusations of me being an alcoholic, I do agree I like a beer and I have taken to a few drinks to calm my nervous system during her abuse, but drinking like she suggest is just laughable. In the past, when I have decided to be a bit healthier and said I am going to skip alcohol for a month or two or whatever she always told me why would I do that, I don't need to do that and then telling me it is manly to have drink. I now know this is sabotage from her, she never wanted me to get healthy. She also went so far that she used to open a bottle of wine to have a glass in front of me if I went on one of this no aclohol months, to add to that she is not a drinker and almost tea total so the only reason to have a drink would have been to tempt me and to make me fail my health goals.

SG is away today and on a sleepover tonight, I am on my own and enjoying my own company. But I have to many options about what to do tonight, shall I just stay at home resting, or shall I go out for a meal and maybe visit a pub. Options, options, if uNPDx would have been here she would have engineered a fight in the afternoon, then sulked on her own and tomorrow blame me for us not doing anything when the kids were out. So glad that's in the past.

Thank you all for your support and especially you hhaw that was the reason I sent the recordings to the social worker in the end. 

[hhaw]

EM:

I'm glad you're having some good days. 

I'm curious about your answers to SG about her mum' s behaviors re: lack of family dinners and habit of claiming the LR without any input from other family members about what they'd like to do.

What do you tell her?

[escapingman]

EM:

I'm glad you're having some good days. 

I'm curious about your answers to SG about her mum' s behaviors re: lack of family dinners and habit of claiming the LR without any input from other family members about what they'd like to do.

What do you tell her?

Yes, what do you reply to that hhaw? The truth? "She doesn't like family dinners because then she will be disturbed by you being at the table and most likely annoyed with any noise you make", "Also, with her control she needs to eat the same food every day and if she eats with us she get jealous on our food as she thinks she is not allowed to eat proper food and then will blame it un us" or "She needs to spend the evenings doing exactly what she wants and anyone that will accept that and sit quietly and do what she wants are welcome to join her". No, as I am not bad mouthing her I didn't really have a good answer to SG and I actually can't really remember what I said other than "mum likes to watch her own tv and eat her own food". I don't think I needed to say more as SG knows, she knows it's not normal. Of course there will be split dinners as the girls often are hungry directly after school and therefor eat earlier, but SG also questioned this as why did me and uNPDx not eat together later.....

Just came back from a long walk in the sun, my stamina really has suffered after nearly no exercise over the last 6 months or when I have been going through this hell. But I need to put that back high on the to do list, I need to get back in to shape both for my body and mind. I love walking, it gives me peace and time to reflect and just let my mind wander.

[falsebalance2]

EM - I have found the light returning in my eldest's eyes. He snuggles next to me and looks at me a lot. He smiles and seems to search me the way I used to search my father. And the youngers haven't been exposed to as much so they are blossoming even more.

I had my father sometimes. Sometimes he took me out of town and we were far away from my BPD(H) mother and her snare.

I remember searching him the same way - and eventually losing him to his stockholm syndrome or whatever you'd call it. He would escape to work and leave me behind. And the older I got he joined in on me being the scapegoat enough that I gave up on searching him anymore.


Cheers to you.

We are doing something very brave. Working on ourselves no matter the fallout with the PD - And now your children have your face shining on them. That is what they need. Even if it is storm clouds with her - they will know who they can get sunshine from.

A father's blessing is so powerful. When they feel the warmth from you they will use that to build who they should be in the world.

You're a bit ahead of me - I'm moving out Friday and I can't wait to mess up on some laundry and laugh about it while I clean up and have some iced coffee on MY porch!


Hats off 


We can break the cycle! That has always been my plea. I thought this meant I messed up too bad....But then someone said No! You put on the brakes! You did it! You're doing it!

[hhaw]

EM:

It never fails to shock me.....
how difficult it is to PROVE the truth, when the PDs have so much darn luck making baseless accusations and getting attention and action for it. They get treated like they're telling the truth while we're left to disprove all the negatives.... it takes SO much time and energy while the PDs basically do zero trial prep, only lobbing baseless allegations, one after another till there's no more denying what and who they are... what they're doing, etc.  Usually it's many many court battles down the road, but I'd like to think that could be different.  I KNOW it CAN be different, bc another poster on this board managed it.

Do you think most of us here, the nons, downplay, enable the PDs and present with a stoic facade to the point we're difficult to believe?

The PDs wail and posture as injured beings..... I think that comes across to most people as "real?" 

What I'm getting at......
it's difficult to talk to the children about the reality of a disordered parent without being accused of alienating that child or trying to poison them against the PD, IME.  One needs to be mindful of how the opposing counsel and perhaps the social worker lady will "interpret" your words to the girls. 

That said, kids need to know some age appropriate truth so they aren't feeling crazy and out of control, IME.  It needs to make sense and there should be some coping strategies and lots of validation.... lots of listening to the children and answering their tough questions with answers you've thought out and perhaps approved with your T ahead.

The kiddos need some reasonable explanation and way to process it...... words like good,better and best choices vs sad, sadder and saddest might be reasonable ways of referring to PD behaviors.........
(referring to disordered behaviors and healthy behaviors...not sure what words are best to describe them to children the ages of your girls.)  My kids were very young and the crisis management T used the words "happy and sad" choices, particularly regarding their ASPD N father's behaviors.  It was good someone else thought it through for me, bc I was a mess and not thinking down the road. 

I liked to ask the girls what they thought would be a better choice and why.  Discussing different ways of handling situations is helpful and builds trust and safety, IME.

I hope SG feels safe enough with you to talk to you about what her mum and sister ask of her.  It might be helpful to be very cool about whatever list they put together, then help SG find those items and maybe add a note to GC from you.... along the lines everyone will be OK... it's OK to stay out of the adult conflict, bc it's adult stuff and GC and SG have their own jobs to do their school work, chores and find their passions.  The adults will handle their adult stuff and everyone will be OK.... GC doesn't have to choose between her beloved parents and it would be wrong to ask that of her, so you will never do it.  If anyone does it, it's OK to remember what a child's jobs are.... school, chores and discovering their passions.  That's it and you'll do whatever you can to help her grow into an independent young woman with a mind of her own, while facilitating her mum to be the best darned mum she can be.  Maybe let SG choose and include some treats for GC, mum and grandmum.... something SG can feel good about.  DOING things is better than worrying and standing still, IME.  SG CAN'T placate her mum and sister, but she can DO something positive and send the message she loves them, even though they're not easy to like.... you know SG loves them, just as you do, but there have to be healthy boundaries keeping us safe for a lifetime.  You're learning those along with SG.... and GC will learn them too and it doesn't mean mum is loved any less....... it means it's OK to love people the way one needs to love them.... even if it's not the way the (insert adjective of choice) person wants us to love them.

That's a BIG very difficult to understand concept your children need help figuring out, bc they'll be eaten alive by their mum if they don't learn how to protect themselves....it's sad and difficult to believe a mother COULD treat "beloved" children abusively, but that's the reality here and you;re well on your way to laying out the facts....
the truth......
the children's reality so accomodations and safeguards can be put in place. 

I'm curious what kinds of safeguards and protections are typical in the UK.



I guess SG needs to be prepared for what's going to happen.  What do yu tell her about what's to come?  I feel she should know her mum will want her to change her story, but that won't get stbx anything but deeper into her (insert chosen word for what's going on with abusive mum.)

Mum is...... Mum has.... some very poor coping strategies and when she yells and blames and rages it's because she never learned to do better.  Ask SG what some better choices would be, instead of raging and blaming.  Whatever you talk about should be strategies you're learning and putting in place daily WITH SG, IME.

That book..... The Parallel Process has some really good strategies for helping kids stay focused on themselves, their actions and what THEY CAN DO to change things for themselvs while keeping the parent OUT of their choices. 

In the meantime....

SG needs to know things might get much harder, but your goal is ALWAYS to get everyone help understanding what's going on adn to find better ways to relate to each other with loving kindness.

One necessary way you're shielding SG from the worst of the adult struggle is to be the buffer when SG hands off items to her mum and sister.

Things will settle down.  Everyone will be OK.  No one will be harmed in your plan and your wish is for everyone to be reasoable.  If mum refuses to take any responsibility, things will be more difficult for her, but it's always leading to mum facing her behaviors so she can correct and make better choices..... you want mum to be OK too, of course you do,  but there has to be a limit on the harm mum  does and SG stood up to her mum's poor choices, bc she's brave and has a right to better treatment.... better treatment won't happen all on it's own.... SG will have to continue standing up for herself.  Standing up for herself, teaching others what she'll put up with and wont put up with is a life skill that will serve her for a lifetime.... and you're so darned proud of her bravery and wisdom..... most people don't figure this out till much later in life but she's a truth teller and it's not easy when people stand up to ......(insert word you choose for mother's abusive beaviors.... maybe "bullies" or people who don't want other people to know what they're doing behind closed doors?)

SG and eventually GC need the message.....
it's OK to love people the way one needs to love them, even if it's not the way that person demands to be loved.  Self care, self compassion, personal safety are all jobs we're charged with and no one should require we abandon ourselves.... certainly not a parent who SHOULD protect and keep children safe.

I could go on and on in my attempt to boil these concepts down so they can be exlained with economy of words....but I haven't figured it out yet.

I hope my going'round the block helps bump you closer to figuring it out, EM.

I always got so much from hearing my siblings and friends talk about EVERYTHING then I'd pick and choose the important bits, dismiss the emotional things bc they went there FOR me and get on with the task at hand.

Do try to remember... what feels like one crisis after another is usually problem at a time presenting itself.  You have always done what it takes to get through the problems and you WILL resolve the problems... you will do that, bc that's what you do, EM.

You'll figure out how to explain the truth, not just for the Court and it's officers, but so your kids follow along, feel empowered, protected, understood and a part of the solution.

Esp for SG.... it's importatant she understand SHE isn't the CAUSE of her mother's distress and separation from the family and family home.  Mum's behavior is the identified cause, even if mum can't see that yet, it's your hope she will and she'll heal herself and feel much better soon.

SG isn't the cause, but she's an amazing part of the solution..... that's the message.  She can can and will learn  to protect herself, bc that's every human's job to learn how. 

Nuff said.... you're doing great, EM. 

[escapingman]

Falsebalance, thanks for your kind words and good luck in your own battle. I can so relate to what you are writing about your dad, a few years ago everything started to come to it's head as uNPDx made it clear I had to chose between her and the children. I was either joining her in her abuse or else I was going to be the abused one. This coincided with the girls coming to an age where they started to flex their muscles and wanted more independence and freedom, this was not acceptable for uNPDx. Without me realising it she quickly promoted GC to replace me and me to be the new family scapegoat together with SG who refused to join forces with her and GC. I can see it clear as daylight now and all I can say is that she is abusing GC using emotional incest right now. GC is expected to behave and act like an adult and for uNPDx to offload all her emotions on her.

hhaw, so much to respond to but for GC I do have direct access to her through her mobile phone.  I send her a message almost daily asking her how she is and telling her I love her, but she never reply. I will keep at it to make sure she knows I am there, right now there isn't much more I can do. I am strapped for time now as I am going to go and get SG from her sleep over, but thank you so much for all your advice.

[escapingman]

Just been out with SG buying some stuff at the petrol stations, on the way out someone suddenly jumped out his car starting shouting and swearing at another car and ran after it shouting at the person sitting in it. Me and SG just looked at each other saying at the same time that could be her mum. I am so glad I am out of that kind of cr*p, whenever something happened she could just fly off the handle and start shouting at someone and then ending up shouting at me for not joining her in shouting.

[guitarman]

We can begin to see all the acting out behaviour in other people. Then we recognise what we've experienced and how we have changed. We recognise what we won't accept any more.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[escapingman]

I am so tired, I had to go to bed in the middle of the day and slept for 2 hours. All I was dreaming about was court hearings and how no one believes me and how she even turned my parents against me. I am a wreck again, so worn out. Also just got through the court orders from the last hearing, and reading through it it is clear they don't believe me and already mentally siding with uNDPx. Despite me lodging concerns about uNPDmil and the safety of her presence they cited her being in the house as a safety net and lessen the concerns. But at least I know what I am dealing with and have me eyes open on uNPDx and her behaviour. I really can't see how the court could rule that they could not see who of us is telling the truth and who lies when I had backing evidence for my allegations and also had evidence that uNPDx made up her allegations. I am getting out of or are completely out the FOG, but I am still scared and scared, I am ready to fight but it is overwhelming.

[escapingman]

I wonder if Andrew (Narcdaily) know exactly where I am in my journey as every video he release seems to fit with my exact position. Other than fighting this divorce and custody battles, I struggle to find any purpose with my days. I have no motivation and I struggle to find anything interesting to do other than entertaining SG. It's not really helping with SG being at home all the time and not wanting to be on her own, it's almost as it was before with uNPDx not letting me leave the house. Back then it was because of her control, now it is SG's fear of being on her own. It's probably to early and no real point to upset all routines now with the hearing in 5 weeks and who knows how life will look after that. But we are going to go and see friends and family, GC is invited but I doubt she will come, I am not even sure if I am allowed to take her or not if she wanted to come, it's just a mess. Then me and SG will probably do a road trip, it's our summer holidays and I don't want to just sit at home worrying about the hearing. But that is what I am doing right now, worrying and worrying. I am dreaming about the hearing and how I am not being taken serious, how I am accused of being the bad one, how I miss the hearing etc etc. Then she is fighting me on the finances as well, not sure what the point of that is as there will be no money left after all this. But she has lied about money and if she can be exposed there maybe that could have a bearing in the overall picture of her being a liar.

Please tell me the good guy wins in the end, please.......

[square]

You're doing great. We're all behind you.

My DD has anxiety and I wanted to share my thoughts. Right now I think she needs extra care (due to the massive upheaval) and it's not yet the time to be pushing her. However, you need time too.

The two areas I see the most potential are:

1) Routine weekly playdates. I know you've been arranging them but if they become routine, eg every Tuesday with A and Thursday with B, so much the better.

2) Pre-bedtime quiet time. An hour (or half hour to start with) every night, say 8pm, for each of you to do stuff alone (reading or whatever). At the end of the time, you do the bedtime rituals including reading aloud, talking, etc.

The goal is not only to get you that hour daily but just to establish an opportunity for her to get comfortable entertaining herself at times. If there are any toys that would help, great. Audio books are another idea.

[escapingman]

I started listening to "Divorce poison - How to protect your family from bad mouthing and brain washing" which is all about parental alienation. I am only into chapter 2 so far but boy does it sound exactly like how things are for me. The interesting thing is that they are going against the common advice on staying silent and passive and instead challenging it, not by smearing the other parent back but by stating facts and also question the child about what is going on. As I said, I am only on chapter 2 and have 13 hours of listening left so I am sure this will get into more depth.

Another night of nightmares around uNPDx and the hearing, I woke up exhausted. I hope this is part of healing, but I need a rest!

[guitarman]

A book recommended by the counsellor Kris Godinez is

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder

by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger

https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254

[guitarman]

On her Facebook page called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez" Kris Godinez has a recommended book list.

https://www.facebook.com/Weneedtotalkwithkrisgodinez

Here is the complete list

The Self Esteem Workbook by Glen Schiraldi.

The Disease To Please by Harriet Braiker.

CPTSD From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker.

You Are A Badass by Jen Sincero.

Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach.

Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping.

The Inner Child Workbook by Catherine Taylor.

The Highly Sensitive Person's Guide to Dealing with Toxic People by Shahida Arabi.

The Body Keeps Score by Bessel Van De Kolk.

The Drama of The Gifted Child by Alice Miller.

Stop Walking on Eggshells by Randi Kreger.

The Object of My Affection is in My Reflection: Coping with a Narcissist by Rokelle Lerner.

Splitting by Randi Kreger and Bill Eddy.

"Feeling Good:  The New Mood Therapy" by David D. Burns, M.D.

"Recovery of Your Inner Child" by Lucia Capacchione


That should keep you busy. LOL!!!

Keep calm. Stay safe. Stay strong. Keep posting. 

[guitarman]

It's good to know that you found a book that you can identify with and can learn from.

It will take time for your mind to be at peace and hopefully the nightmares will eventually end. You've been through so much stress and experienced trauma for years. You have such a lot to worry about concerning the future of yourself and your children.

The more we talk about all our fears with others the better we can feel. Sharing and being honest takes courage to expose our vulnerabilities. It takes time but we can eventually reach a calmer place.

I'm still working on that. I work on it every day.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[escapingman]

Thanks for all the suggestion GM, I gave listen to some of them but might need to relisten to some.

I was reading some other posts from other, think specific about falsebalance and about her discard. This got me thinking and I can probably pinpoint down to exact moment my uNPDx moved into discard. I was away and had a few drinks with a friend, I lost track of time and then missed my flight home. I texted her and told her and felt I did not want to speak to her as she would lecture me. I probably got 30 missed calls which I ignored but just sent another couple of messages telling her I was sorry but I would be home the next day. The day after she started with a personal trainer at the gym and after this nothing was like before. I am not sure which event triggered the discard or the combination did. But her personal trainer was someone she painted in gold, until of course he out his foot wrong a few years later and she sacked him and never contacted him again (as far as I know).

I have been thinking alot about this and could the fact I disobeyed her and ignored her calls cause the discard? Did I step up and ignore the calls as a light bulb moment of not letting her control me any more? Or was the supply she got form the personal trainer enough for her?

I am honestly not sure I am too bothered, but from thus moment I also been in the waiting game to escape -conscious or subconscious.

[guitarman]

I didn't want to confuse you and think that you should read everything on the book list. You've got such a lot to cope with as it is. It's just a list that someone else has found useful and recommends. I take great comfort from others recommending things to research and welcome other peoples' suggestions.

I pass on resources that I find that maybe useful to others. We are all looking for what will help us make sense of what has happened in the past and how we can cope better in the future.

I can see from your posts that you have more of the language and understanding of the patterns of behaviour and understand more about your reactions to it all. You have taken the time and made the effort to educate yourself about NPD and abuse. We all need to do that.

I read a lot and watch videos on YouTube about psychology, BPD, NPD, abuse and self care. I didn't think that I understood a lot of it at the time but I find myself repeating it to others in the right context. So the information does sink in eventually.

I can see that you know about the discard phase of NPD. It maybe that you were putting in firm boundaries by not replying to your wife's demanding calls. You were putting your needs and feelings first, maybe for the first time and she didn't like that. You were no longer willing to play the mind games and were starting to get stronger. It could be that was when you had a moment of insight when you realised you couldn't continue as you had been doing and something had to change, in you.

You were saying "No" to her. That is a big step to take. It's a small word but so powerful.

I like this story about Buddha not accepting anger and abuse from someone else.

If someone gives you a gift but you do not accept it to whom does the gift belong?

https://keithrosen.com/2018/06/the-buddha-the-angry-man-and-the-gift/

I wish I had known about this years ago.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[hhaw]

EM:

I invite yu to focus on the childrens' safety, and not let the PD and opposing counsel take your focus with the financials..... it's going to be a matter of records and they "norm" so there's really NOTHING to fight about.

The PD is trying to get you to react to her accusations you're stealing and monkying with accounts so YOU'LL HELP HER MOVE THE FOCUS OFF OF THE CHILDREN'S SAFETY and onto the financials.

Don't help the PD sabotage you anymore.

Keep sending the message there's a crisis..... it's the chilren the children the chilren..... the financials will take care of themselves and the stbx will SAY this or that, make demands, steal this or that but those decisions won't be up to her, just like custody and visitation won't be up to her either IF things to to a trial.

Until then, think ahead anout what you need, what's available to you SO YOU CAN ASK FOR IT (thinkign visitation facility type things) and proper therapists for children suffering with abuse, parental alienation and whatever else applies. 

IF YOU CONTINUE TO SEND THAT MESSAGE, without diluting it or going off track, the court has a better chance of understanding your situation in a sea of SO MANY SITUATIONS, all of them a nightmare, but your nightmare is it's very own special night mare the Court NEEDS TO SEE IS DIFFERENT and requires different remedies, bc you can't sort this out with a PD who will refuse to get along or follow ORDERS.

You need this Judge to SEE it, give you what you need and don't count on your judge to know jack squat about what kinds of relief are available either. 

The court doesn't care about your children.   YOU have to lead this battle and do your own research and figure out WHAT YOU CAN DO AND ASK FOR.  No one is going to do it for you, unless you find those people to help and advocate for you.

The COurt resents every second wasted on you, your case and every litigant forcing the Court to make decisions.... mostly Courts punish ALL LITIGANTS,, so you better SHOW your Judge why you're case requires actual relief beyond "splitting the baby." which is wha usually happens.  Everyone is unhappy in that scenarion, but it's detrimental to parents divorcing toxic PDs, IME.

Keep pulling the wagon train back to the children the children the chilren...... over and over again.  Keep reminding opposing counsel and your counsel and everyone in every e mail and text what your fears and goals are....what the crisis of the day IS... what your GC is suffering daily and how you're unable to protect her BUT COUNT ON THE COURT TO FIND A WAY TO PROTECT GF AND keep SG safe.

This boils down to custody and visitation Orders THAT ARE ENFORCABLE THROUGH THE COURTS... written in ways that are deailed to counter the typical PD fockery you won;t be able to avoid, so you might as well do what you can to anticipate and do jujitsu on paper to COUNTER it at every step and hold the PD accountable... provide devastating consequences for the PD you don't have to spend 10K pounds an 9 months to find cold comfort and very little relief.

[escapingman]

hhaw, I know you are right and that the children comes first. But if I don't address the fact that uNPDx has so far extracted around £10K from joint accounts I will not be able to pay for my team any longer. I am trying to get the go ahead from my solicitors that I can take my share but they don't seem to get it, it's really frustrating. I also need to put uNPDx under pressure and hold her accountable for her actions. By fighting the finances I am not sacrificing the children, it is just time spent on something else. I did see uNPDx again today during an exam both girls had, I feel sick to the bottom of my stomach being in the same room as her, but I avoided looking at her the whole time. GC was there and looked into the wall away from me the entire time, made me so sad. SG was angry as well as uNPDmil also was there staring at SG making an angry face. I had quite a good conversation with SG and she said she feels so bad around her mum and that she does not want to see her on her own at all and that she is scared of what she would do. I asked her if she is telling the social workers this and she said no, I asked her to please tell them everything. I hope she will in the end.

I am so worn out, yes hhaw, the children the children, but if I can push back on finances and get her wound up, maybe her mask will slip a bit at some point.

[escapingman]

I am not sure how much longer I can manage this, I feel like I have a big hole in my hearth. It's 7 weeks now of GC completely ignoring me. I feel like I just want to cry when I see her and she just looks away like I am a piece of nothing. I am really starting to struggle with if it is worth all this fighting for someone that clearly don't want me. I am sinking all my money, risking SG and my sanity for someone that just doesn't want me. I am sorry for writing this but I really not sure how much more hearth ache I can go through. I know I have to but I am not sure I can manage. Seeing her today and for her to be so cold towards me that she could not even look at me really knocked me sick. She don't reply to any messages. She knows what she is doing, she has decided to side with the abuser. I am wondering if surrender, have one girl each and then move away with SG would solve all other problems, forget about GC, let her be abused by uNPDx and uNPDmil.

Of course I am not giving up, but I feel hopeless.