N Mom's true colors coming through

[Iris1022]

My N Mom is a true piece of work and has had many "lovely" behavioral displays over the years, don't get me wrong. But the way she's been acting over the past several months really shows her true colors, in my opinion. Here's the story:

I'm currently 8 months pregnant for the first time. I have a 9 year old daughter who is adopted so this will be my second child, but first pregnancy. I was never able to conceive and I thought it would never happen, so this is a big deal - a miracle pregnancy. Mother Dearest has made it clear that she could care less about said pregnancy. In fact, she almost seems angry at me for being pregnant. She hasn't been supportive at all during the whole process. She never calls (she expects me to call her), never texts, never shows any interest at all really. I live flying distance away from her (thank God) and even though I'm just a few weeks from my due date, she hasn't made any plans to come visit. My in laws are baffled by her behavior and when they ask her if she's coming out, she gives bullshit responses about "coming in a few weeks" even though she knows good and well she hasn't looked at flights.

Since I've been pregnant, she has been giving me even more of a cold shoulder than she did before my pregnancy. For instance, she didn't even acknowledge my birthday a couple of months ago. No text, no phone call, no nothing. I let a few days pass then I reached out to her to call her on it. Her response was, "I was sitting here waiting on YOU to call ME." How messed up is that.

I think she's pissed that I'm pregnant and not bending over backwards to take care of her needs. I also think there's some jealousy going on in relation to my in laws, who have been very supportive. They check up on me and my husband routinely, asking how we are doing and if we need anything. They send food over, offer to help with our 9 year old, and have rearranged their travel schedules so that they can be available to help with the house and our daughter when the baby is born. They also came to our baby shower (enthusiastically) a couple of weeks ago. (Note: lovely mother saw photos of our baby shower on social media and just made snarky comments about it. Never did she once show interest in coming and attending.) My mom has given me a hard time in the past about spending more time with the in laws than with her, and has made comments along the lines of "why don't you just enjoy your NEW family" so I'm sure there is something similar going on now too.

During the height of the COVID pandemic, she had a bout with lung cancer and I went out of my way to help out. Despite the pandemic, I flew to help her out on multiple occasions, and when I wasn't there I made sure she had others who could be there for her. I even hired in-home care for her. Now I'm pregnant with a miracle baby and - nothing. Radio silence. I don't know why I even expected any type of reciprocity.

I know she's a narc so it shouldn't bother me that she is acting this way, but it stings. I wish I could have a supportive mother who actually cares about me as a person but that's not what life has dealt me. She views me as someone who was put on this earth to be her slave/caretaker. Any signs of independence or living my own fulfilled life are, in her eyes, proof of abandonment. In her mind, I'm a terrible person for "not taking care of your mother." I'm not supposed to be building my own family, I'm supposed to be catering to her every need. Because I'm not doing that, she's discarding. I know this, but it still sucks. I guess all I can do is carry on and work through the negative feelings.

This might be my final straw. I don't want her toxicity in my life anymore. Maybe it is time for NC.

Sorry for the long post. Any thoughts? Suggestions? Commiseration?

[Boat Babe]

Congratulations on your miracle pregnancy and for having the joy of a second child. I am very happy for you. You sound like you have a great husband and wonderful in laws. That's golden!

Your mother *sighs.  You have a clear understanding of who she is and how she operates, which doesn't diminish the pain but does help you to eventually transform it and detach, with love, from a relationship that will never bring you joy. With some parents, the only thing to do is to protect yourself, especially your kids, from further abuse. It's really hard but it will take you out of the line of fire of toxicity and damage, in itself a healthy and positive act.

Wishing you an easy and peaceful pregnancy and birth.

[sunshine702]

I have noticed that any YOU Life Event  are particularly a source of Narc Injury for them.  Birthdays.  Weddings.  And for you — First Pregnancy.

It hurts.  In normal families they rally around you and support you.  In Narc families it is a bad thing and they snub you and invalidate you.  Sigh.  I am truly sorry that you have no parent in this moment.

You have the in laws.  The family that we make right.