The heavy weight of the truth and subsequent grief

[Lalitha]

(Slight TW for covert sexual abuse - I won't go into detail)
So I've been NC for a while and started to finally feel safe enough to face the full horror of my childhood. It has become clear to me that NPD-M sees others as props or empty vessels for her to dump into. I think this explains the fact that she consistently violated my boundaries and took away the bodily autonomy that children/teenagers are given in healthy families. Having done some research I now realise that it was textbook covert sexual abuse. On top of that, my dad and siblings are all narc and I faced criticism day in day out from all sides. I knew it was bad, was in therapy for a long time but now it's finally hitting that it was child abuse and I'm grieving for my inner child who never actually had a 'family' in the first place. My NPD-M also withheld food and the abusive nature of that is fully hitting me right now. What makes it so difficult is that it was all done in such a manipulative way with a tonne of gaslighting and keeping up appearances so others would not have believed it. When I went NC I knew I would not be able to see any of the extended family as they are completely blinded to the truth. Something I'm also  really struggling with is the knowledge that I've had some awareness of their strange behaviour for years but I was hiding the full truth from myself, living in a fantasy that it wasn't that bad, or if I could be a better person they would be kinder to me. The fact that I was in denial for so many years weighs heavily on me. Did anyone else feel this and how did you come through it?

[Liketheducks]

I'm so sorry you're finding yourself here...but this is a great supportive space.  I don't have the same SA experience, but I do have some experience coming Out of the FOG and recognizing that what I had been told by my parents and what I had experienced were definitely two different realities.   Good counseling took me through it.   

The last 3 years of high school, my NPD (addict/alcoholic/abuser) father had lost yet another job, mom was stay at home and raising my two younger brothers.  That summer we moved into a camper and shifted from campsite to campsite over the next three years.   Literally moving every 3 weeks.   It took decades before I could acknowledge that our family was homeless.   

I think that they were so ashamed of where we were that they changed the narrative to fit something that would make it seem less bad.  Honestly, I was ashamed of where we were and rug swept it for decades before I could acknowledge the truth of it.  I think we, as humans, do that to protect ourselves.   

I was NC/VLC with much of my FOO.   It has brought me so much peace.   Working on myself is the only way I can deal with them.   Keeping them at arms length, learning that this is OK for me, has been a game changer.   

Take care of that inner child.  Parent them gracefully.  Give them all the love and kindness they never had.   Grieving takes its own time to process.  Be kind to yourself.   You're growing.   

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Lalitha,

Welcome. Yes, to answer your questions: before NC, I was not seeing the full picture.

What I have learned is that this is a point in our journey Out of the FOG where therapy and counselling sessions can be helpful - especially if you can find a therapist who understands narc parental abuse and inner child re-parenting specifically. What supports this part of the healing process is to have a therapist who believes you and affirms your reality, that you are now 'unthawing' from the abusive state and new realizations are hitting you.

This is a very healthy need you have, to be believed and to be understood. And to have your denial understood as well.   

I've learned a lot from watching Patrick Teahan's videos as his focus is on the inner child.

Just the other day, I had a trigger and flashbacks to a time in my childhood when my parents were just absent. The fled the scene. Like no sense of parental responsibility at all. In my adult state I could address these flashbacks, and recognize that it would have been very bad for me - had I fully realized the extent of their parental neglect while it was occurring (during adolescence). I'm decades away from those events now - so now my mind can safely work to process the trauma of being neglected as a teenager.

As a teen, my mind went into a bit of frozen / denial state so I could survive the neglect / abuse. I've learned that this really is the survival instinct kicking in. Denial is protective when we are children. Gabor Mate has several videos from the last few years where he explains that as children we had no choice. We had to bond to our parents even if they were abusive. For me, learning that was what helped me understand the role denial had played in my own survival. Had I fully 'seen' the horror of my parents neglect and abuse, say at age 8 or 14 or even 17, I doubt I would have survived.

That stuff has a chance to get healed once we are adults. Once our bodies sense we are now safer (for example, after being NC for a while), it works to process the stuff it couldn't process in childhood.

Being believed makes a huge difference at this stage in the journey. Like you wrote, you endured not just abuse, but abusers who were effective at manipulating appearances so that you had to deal with the additional trauma of not knowing who (if anyone) would believe you. For me, this was huge as well. Not being believed (about the abuse) caused me more problems than the abuse did because once the abuse was in the past, I had survived it. And after NC, I was no longer dealing with new abuse over and over. But not being believed is something we still deal with in the present. Not being believed took a toll on me, long after the parental abuse ended.

One thing you can do is tell your inner child you believe them, and that you are now safe. After parental abuse, some part of us is wise to stay vigilante - we're not 100% sure the abuse is finally over. It can be quite intense to feel the lack of safety our inner child felt, as you said, the reality that we didn't get a childhood can hit us emotionally - even years after therapy.

Given that you know your extended family is still in denial, that means you were left alone to see reality. Their denial played a role in your life. It might still be playing a role - they are the ones who taught you that you won't be believed. They are the ones who instil that fear in us. As children we probably reason "well if they don't believe this is happening, no one else will either". Children and teens are not equipped to handle a situation where they are being abused, and the adults around them don't even believe them. So this left us with denial as a way of surviving back then.

Honestly, I was right about my FOG filled relatives. They didn't believe me as a child, and they still don't / wouldn't believe me. That is why having counsellors (or any caring person) sit and say they believe us, is so powerful at this stage in the process.

Trees

[NarcKiddo]

This resonates with me.

I think you had no choice but to be in denial for some time. You were probably brought up believing your experience was normal. How were you to know different?

Right through most of my 30s I was in denial. I knew deep down something was wrong but pushed it away. I am very able to gaslight myself. In my 40s it started nagging at me harder and in my mid 40s I finally realised my mother is N. I started reducing contact, using grey rock etc. I am still VLC and now in my mid 50s. I started therapy about 18 months ago. I have by no means come through it yet, but I am making progress. I still have many trauma responses but at least I can now recognise them for what they are. My inner child is pretty wary of me still, but I am trying to help her.

Be kind to yourself. You'll get there.

[Lalitha]

Thanks everyone. I've been reading your replies with the tears rolling. It feels good to come somewhere where everyone just gets it, as much as it is awful that we are here. I know I will re read your responses in the coming days, there is so much helpful information there. Trees, your comment that you wouldn't have survived if you had been able to see the full reality at age 8,14 and 17 really made me see things more clearly. I was suicidal by age 15 so thinking about it I would not have been able to go on if I hadn't hidden the full truth from myself. I think my inner teenager trusts me a little more now I'm more aware of that fact. I'll take a look at those videos you suggested.
NarcKiddo, my timeline has been similar to yours, just 10 years behind. I'm in my 40's and finally ready to face the full truth.
I'm fortunate that DH is from a stable family. He is now joining the dots and helping me make sense of it all. We met very young, so he was sort of brainwashed by my FOO as much as I was so we both feel like we've left a cult.
Like the ducks, your last paragraph made me cry, thank you for your kind words. Im headed back to therapy.

[Cat of the Canals]

I think you had no choice but to be in denial for some time. You were probably brought up believing your experience was normal. How were you to know different?

One of the things I remind myself is that I was conditioned (brainwashed would be a better word for it, really) by my PDmom essentially from birth. The instinct of a child is to trust their caregivers. They are the ones who are supposed to teach us how the world works, and what our place is in it. We literally depend on them for survival. So I think it's common -- probably even the norm -- to sort any inkling that things are wrong or off or not normal with our parents straight into the filing cabinet of denial. It would be too scary to confront the truth of it.