On Comtrol

[sunshine702]

A lot of a Narc or Difficult Person's maddening situation I believe stems from CONTROL.

Little things but things that stand out.

Can I get you guy's opinion?  Gas lighting. Where you are there wondering- am I making too much of this?  Are they trying to be helpful?  (My own Narc parents do this all this time.
Helpful.  Just trying to help.  Gifts.  Just shut up and take the "nice" thing.

So we moved up the hill into our new house after living in the RV for a year at 670.  We got mail at 670 now we are 672.  We recently did change of address forms and are officially getting mail to our box at the mail mailboxes.   Still need to change some things but Amazon has delivered and Fexex has too. As has regular mail.  Yeah.

Now there will of course be some stuff that still comes to the old address.  It's fine.

Well Mother in Law ambushed partner today with a card I saw him signing.  I asked him what it was?  Oh a form that everyone can get everyone's mail in the box.


Huh?  It's that why we did a change of address?!  Of course some stuff will accidentally come.  Yoy glcan give it to us.

We need a thing from the post office basically nullifying our change of address?!!!

Am I getting sensitive things no so does it really I'm inconvenience me no .  But it is the control and principal of it that has been sticking in my craw today.  Again though I know if I say anything I will be the jerk .  She is just trying to "help"

[notrightinthehead]

You clearly don't trust your mil and want have as little to do with her as possible. Your partner seems to be between two women and trying to take the easy way out. This situation is very stressful for you and high levels of stress over long periods can even affect your physical well-being. Is there any way you can emotionally distance yourself from what mil does or doesn't do and regain inner calmness? I have found that learning mindfulness has helped me a lot to deal with stressful feelings and given me back some clarity of mind.

[Catothecat]

Oh, I so feel for you, sunshine.

My late MIL was a controlling narc and it was always the "little things" she went for.  She knew she couldn't win the "big thing" which was us living in a large city as opposed to her perfect small town (yeah, right) so had endless low-level frustration about her inability to change that.  So instead she would find small issues which made her hope for some level of control over our lives.  It became an endless pattern of attempts to insinuate herself in our lives and try to make us feel helpless and dependent and like we (especially me) didn't know what we were doing.  She wanted to "mother" us but it wasn't a healthy or nurturing type of mothering, it was, rather, the do-as-I-say-because-I-know-better-than-you type. She already led my FIL around by the nose so naturally expected to be able to do the same with us.   

It was indeed stressful and I was fortunate in that she didn't live nearby.  Dealing with people like this is a life skill that has to be learned because I don't think any of us are born with it.  I learned to deal with my MIL (not always successfully, I admit) by not reacting, not responding, no matter how badly I wanted to.  For awhile that created its own level of stress, having to modify my behavior in reaction to hers, but it became easier in time and eventually I was able to not react and just do what I was planning on doing regardless of how she felt about it.  She would try to assert herself but I gave her a blank wall in return.  I couldn't help her get over her basic insecurity and fear of change (which was the root of her behavior) so had to find a way to deal with the situation that didn't drive me crazy.  Because she never, ever changed and was controlling until the day she died.   

[sunshine702]

I mostly don't understand it.  If we were having PROBLEMS with getting Amazon or the dog food not not being delivered or shipped back I could see it but everything is fine. To go to the post office herself (we did not ask her anything) and have my partner fill out something is just odd to me.  The only thing I can think of is "deep fear of change". See the landscaper having to move a rock back.  Now everyone can get mail in everyone eles's box - oh goodie!

It is a small inconsequential thing but there will be bigger things along so I want to try to un pack this now and develop strategies.

And I want to know if my "something is odd" radar is working right.  You don't smell your own house smells so me the outsider see and feels things first.  Again my partner "yeah more chili" not realizing the competitive nature of cooking the same dish a day later.    I don't think she is even doing this stuff terribly consciously or even maliciously she is just poked in the change region and needs to reassert.

Hearing some similar stories from SIL was super helpful.  Yep that is M. 

[moglow]

OR you could get yourself a post office box and change *your* mailing address to that. Take yourself out of that loop altogether and they can do what they do. 

[sunshine702]

OR you could get yourself a post office box and change *your* mailing address to that. Take yourself out of that loop altogether and they can do what they do.

And if ever I need to have something sensitive sent I will.  It's just bills and junk these days. 

My SIL once had a back account co signed with MIL and her husband.  She would get telephone calls about "Why did you spend $80 at Payless shoes". She was monitoring all her spending. It was awful and she marched right into another bank and got her OWN account.

[moglow]

You have no idea what she'll forget to give you or when she'll determine cards or letters are "something sensitive." Me, I wouldn't want temptation in her or anyone else's path, not when I already had doubts. 

[Poison Ivy]

 

[sunshine702]

It will be so nice to have safety and security in my mail in my possessions in my home.  No one dropping by or"getting my mail for me"