How will I know when he’s really dying?

[nanotech]

My elderly dad ( NPD) is having some tests this week. He has health anxiety(won't admit it) and before lockdown the hospital was his second home.
Every slight symptom he has means he's 'dying' and we all should rush round him and start performing our various dysfunctional roles.
I'm really anxious that because another relative is seriously ill, he's started ramping up the BS big time again.
He does have a condition- prostate cancer. It's the very very slow growing type. It's been under good control and he has hormone treatment for it. He's had a few more visits to the loo recently, not every day. It's not an infection  so they are testing his PSA to make sure the cancer is still under control.
This kind of health situation ( he was hoping it was a simple infection) makes him angry, and that's when he tends to start  getting abusive to me.
It's subtle and covert, which makes it tricky because it's harder to call out. He uses lots of insinuation, suggestion and passive aggression.
I hate it.
When my mum was dying, dad had a full blown rage at me. Then I wasn't allowed to see mum. BPDMum decided that I was lying  and I was banned from my parents house. I kept thinking my mum was going to die still angry at me.
It was all because I asked GC brother to do something for mum. BPDMum had asked me to do this, (then later denied it).
I said no at first, that it wasn't my place,  but she started hissing at me ( I'm not exaggerating, it was hissing) that she was a very sick woman and here I was, her daughter, refusing to help her ( this was on a late night phonecall).
So I did it. I asked my NPDGC bro and his wife to consider getting hitched sooner, as this was mum's dying wish.
My brother went ballistic. I thought, ok, I tried.  But the next day world war three erupted. He had gone to our parents, whereupon mum (who was scared of the monster GC) denied that she'd asked me to ask him! Everyone believed her. Dad raged. I had a panic attack.  I was branded as this person that lied and interfered. There followed months of abuse. I had to fawn and fawn to get to see mum, and on the condition I didn't mention the ' incident'.

So that was the fun and games we had ten years ago.
Now dad is reviving up again. I have to hear about all the 'idiots' who are spreading COVID. Yet then dad is out and about himself, having the chiropodist to his home and wants to visit the dentist soon for his check up ' because I need one."
He May not even need this prostrate check up. I'm unsure if he's being truthful about his health issues.
All this gaslighting.
How will I know when he's really dying?
He had a camera down his throat a million times last year. All they found were a very few pre -cancerous cells, which they removed. He hasn't got any cancer in his stomach. He's 88.
He thinks he now needs another check for that as well. He's annoyed it's been put back. Constant bleating about COVID and the 'idiots' who are risking his life going on the beach, into pubs etc. References also to the areas of high risk having  'lots of Asians'.
These 'people', this COVID, he said, have caused a delay in his health care!
So it's appalling bigotry, and of course, a total lack of empathy for those who have died or lost loved ones.
At the height of the pandemic he would talk about the daily deaths in great detail it but with no feeling for those people. It was all very clinical and concerned only with how it related to his own risk.
Many people have died from this.
He's 88 and he's swerved it so far, during the most dangerous time at least.

Shouldn't he be a bit thankful? 

He hasn't had any money problems to deal with like many folk have. In fact he's
boasted to me about how much better off he is financially, due to the social restrictions.

Now here he goes again.

A couple of years ago he disrupted two family funerals with his obsessive preoccupation with his own health. At the first one I was the only one in charge of his stupid antics trying to get himself into hospital.I'll never put myself in that position again. 
The second time around I said a big fat NO to his again imagined illness on the day, and as we were all standing to greet the hearse, he was curt and sulky to me.
I feel better for writing this. I've read it back and I'll keep re reading it so I don't get pulled back in or tripped up.
They're my family.
It isn't just that they haven't got our back- it's that we actually have to protect ourselves from them that is so hard to take.
And how will I know when he's really dying?

[WomanInterrupted]

How do you know he's dying, for real?

A DOCTOR tells you he's not got long, it's a matter of months (weeks), things aren't looking well, it's time to start making important family decisions, or putting his affairs in order.   

A DOCTOR mentions Hospice or palliative care, to keep him comfortable.

That's how you know - a DOCTOR tells you directly.  Not your father said a doctor said, but it goes from a doctor's lips to your ears. 

Anything else  - especially if it comes from your father's mouth - is NOT to be believed.   

I had the same problem with unBPD Didi - she was the Waif Who Cried Cancer SO many times that when she really was dying of cancer, I didn't believe her!

UnNPD Ray learned from her but did NOT learn that no, I don't respond to that rubbish.  I stay away.  I let OTHERS take point - others who are *medical professionals* and NOT me. 

And that's my advice to you, too - especially since you know he's going to be nasty.  STAY AWAY.  Let your father and his health care team coordinate his care - and that includes rides to and from appointments and seeing to his home needs, including shopping  and personal care.

Yes, if he wants to be checked at the hospital, he'll have to wear a mask, engage in Social Distance, a pair of surgical gloves won't be a bad idea, and neither will washing his hands frequently -hospitals and doctor offices are SAFE and are very  concerned with keeping patients Covid-free. 

The hospitals and doctors around here (including dentists and chiropractors) are doing temperature checks before you walk in the door - if you have a fever or any other Covid symptom, but don't think you have Covid (or have tested negative), you'd *better* be able to explain *why.*  (This is my reality, since head and neck radiation - I have  dry cough, a runny nose, and run a low-grade fever.  I also tested negative for Covid.  It's just a "me" thing and the explanation of head and neck radiation is acceptable.)

Around here, if you're NOT having a problem, the dentist doesn't want to see you - they're still seeing emergency cases only.  If you're not sure if you have a problem, the dentist will have a tele-visit with you and you can discuss it with him/her - and the dentist can decide if you're able to wait or not.

But these are all things your *dad* needs to work out, without your involvement, since he's only bound to be nasty and difficult because, oh, why NOT - it's just you and in his mind, like Didi and Ray's, we must have done something to deserve it.   

I made a deal with myself when it came to Didi and Ray - if it could be done from this little room - computer, phone, fax, email, snail mail, smoke signal, semaphore flag, Morse code - I'd do it, but that was IT. 

That's all I could manage.   

Anything else?  They'd have to figure it out without me.  They were grown adults.  I didn't HAVE to do a thing and that included driving anybody to the ER or hospital, or showing up for visits at the ER, hospital or doctor offices - or even visiting their home or shopping and dropping it off.

No can do.  I was just too  busy and might have encountered GERMS - which was Didi's kryptonite, since she was terrified of getting a chest cold. 

If I were you, I'd stay away from your father - the pandemic isn't over and you want to keep him *safe.*  Yes, you've been practicing good care in regard to PPE, distance, hand-washing, but you can't speak for others, and you don't want to be responsible for getting your dad sick.   

Always listen to your dad through a proverbial filter - anything he says is going to be self-serving, making himself the ultimate victim, poor poor him, he's dying and nobody cares, boo hoo freakin'  hoo. 

When you hear statements like that, stick to STRICT Medium Chill and get him off the phone ASAP - oh, you're sorry to hear it, but the dog's on fire again and you have to go.   

If you're the designated caller - call less.  If he's the one who calls you - screen your calls and return calls to him at YOUR leisure - or when you feel emotionally strong enough to handle it.   

Even if it means he waits a week or more, that's what's necessary for YOU.  In the meantime, he WILL figure out something else - or forget what he wanted to ask/demand in the first place!

Above all, *please* keep reminding yourself that your father is NOT your responsibility in any way, shape or form, and anybody who thinks he is (FMMs) can jump in and do the job themselves.

Be *sure* to mention it - "If you're that damned concerned, you do it..." - and watch them start sputtering buts like a motorboat.   

Don't let yourself get dragged back into the fray.  Stay above and beyond it, no matter what happens.  Do NOT listen to second-hand news or any medical information from your father, especially if it includes the words possibly, maybe, rule-out, could be, not sure, points to, seems like, acts like, could be, might be, testing for, inconclusive test results, more information needed but it MIGHT be, suspicious - you get the idea. 

Those are all dog-whistle words, designed to make you worry and come running.

Don't take the bait. 

And speaking of come running - do NOT, under any circumstance, do that.  They WANT us to make snap-decisions and have knee-jerk reactions, to keep us off-balance and swept up in the chaos they manufacture.

DON'T  do it.  REFUSE.   

For me, any NOW summons was an automatic, "I can't do that..." - or, "I'll see what I can do, but it's not looking good."

For the record, what I could do was *nothing* but stay home and wait for the other shoe to drop as I screened my calls. 

You've GOT this, Nanotech!   

You are the one who is in charge of your life - not your dad - and if  he doesn't like it, it's really too bad, but there's really nothing he can DO about it if you pull rank  and start taking your time back and not playing his ridiculous, pathetic games.

*Especially* if he's dyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyying again, some more, again, some more, again!

[practical]

How do you know he's dying, for real?

A DOCTOR tells you he's not got long, it's a matter of months (weeks), things aren't looking well, it's time to start making important family decisions, or putting his affairs in order.   

A DOCTOR mentions Hospice or palliative care, to keep him comfortable.

That's how you know - a DOCTOR tells you directly.  Not your father said a doctor said, but it goes from a doctor's lips to your ears. 

Anything else  - especially if it comes from your father's mouth - is NOT to be believed.   

Couldn't say it better myself  . F was so often at the end to then again suddenly be able to work in the garden or something, so I decided it is best to just stay neutral. Too many tests, too many doctor and hospital visits by F, so many things kept repeating themselves like on a Merry-go-round, so I totally get your point and I'm really sorry you had to go through it and are again going through it. Medium chill "I'm sure your docotors are handeling it. Have you noticed the beautiful blue skies lately?" I did this for so long, that F repalced me with a new person who would listen and constantly worry about him.

Hang in there.

[nanotech]

How do you know he's dying, for real?

A DOCTOR tells you he's not got long, it's a matter of months (weeks), things aren't looking well, it's time to start making important family decisions, or putting his affairs in order.   

A DOCTOR mentions Hospice or palliative care, to keep him comfortable.

That's how you know - a DOCTOR tells you directly.  Not your father said a doctor said, but it goes from a doctor's lips to your ears. 

Anything else  - especially if it comes from your father's mouth - is NOT to be believed.   

I had the same problem with unBPD Didi - she was the Waif Who Cried Cancer SO many times that when she really was dying of cancer, I didn't believe her!

UnNPD Ray learned from her but did NOT learn that no, I don't respond to that rubbish.  I stay away.  I let OTHERS take point - others who are *medical professionals* and NOT me. 

And that's my advice to you, too - especially since you know he's going to be nasty.  STAY AWAY.  Let your father and his health care team coordinate his care - and that includes rides to and from appointments and seeing to his home needs, including shopping  and personal care.

Yes, if he wants to be checked at the hospital, he'll have to wear a mask, engage in Social Distance, a pair of surgical gloves won't be a bad idea, and neither will washing his hands frequently -hospitals and doctor offices are SAFE and are very  concerned with keeping patients Covid-free. 

The hospitals and doctors around here (including dentists and chiropractors) are doing temperature checks before you walk in the door - if you have a fever or any other Covid symptom, but don't think you have Covid (or have tested negative), you'd *better* be able to explain *why.*  (This is my reality, since head and neck radiation - I have  dry cough, a runny nose, and run a low-grade fever.  I also tested negative for Covid.  It's just a "me" thing and the explanation of head and neck radiation is acceptable.)

Around here, if you're NOT having a problem, the dentist doesn't want to see you - they're still seeing emergency cases only.  If you're not sure if you have a problem, the dentist will have a tele-visit with you and you can discuss it with him/her - and the dentist can decide if you're able to wait or not.

But these are all things your *dad* needs to work out, without your involvement, since he's only bound to be nasty and difficult because, oh, why NOT - it's just you and in his mind, like Didi and Ray's, we must have done something to deserve it.   

I made a deal with myself when it came to Didi and Ray - if it could be done from this little room - computer, phone, fax, email, snail mail, smoke signal, semaphore flag, Morse code - I'd do it, but that was IT. 

That's all I could manage.   

Anything else?  They'd have to figure it out without me.  They were grown adults.  I didn't HAVE to do a thing and that included driving anybody to the ER or hospital, or showing up for visits at the ER, hospital or doctor offices - or even visiting their home or shopping and dropping it off.

No can do.  I was just too  busy and might have encountered GERMS - which was Didi's kryptonite, since she was terrified of getting a chest cold. 

If I were you, I'd stay away from your father - the pandemic isn't over and you want to keep him *safe.*  Yes, you've been practicing good care in regard to PPE, distance, hand-washing, but you can't speak for others, and you don't want to be responsible for getting your dad sick.   

Always listen to your dad through a proverbial filter - anything he says is going to be self-serving, making himself the ultimate victim, poor poor him, he's dying and nobody cares, boo hoo freakin'  hoo. 

When you hear statements like that, stick to STRICT Medium Chill and get him off the phone ASAP - oh, you're sorry to hear it, but the dog's on fire again and you have to go.   

If you're the designated caller - call less.  If he's the one who calls you - screen your calls and return calls to him at YOUR leisure - or when you feel emotionally strong enough to handle it.   

Even if it means he waits a week or more, that's what's necessary for YOU.  In the meantime, he WILL figure out something else - or forget what he wanted to ask/demand in the first place!

Above all, *please* keep reminding yourself that your father is NOT your responsibility in any way, shape or form, and anybody who thinks he is (FMMs) can jump in and do the job themselves.

Be *sure* to mention it - "If you're that damned concerned, you do it..." - and watch them start sputtering buts like a motorboat.   

Don't let yourself get dragged back into the fray.  Stay above and beyond it, no matter what happens.  Do NOT listen to second-hand news or any medical information from your father, especially if it includes the words possibly, maybe, rule-out, could be, not sure, points to, seems like, acts like, could be, might be, testing for, inconclusive test results, more information needed but it MIGHT be, suspicious - you get the idea. 

Those are all dog-whistle words, designed to make you worry and come running.

Don't take the bait. 

And speaking of come running - do NOT, under any circumstance, do that.  They WANT us to make snap-decisions and have knee-jerk reactions, to keep us off-balance and swept up in the chaos they manufacture.

DON'T  do it.  REFUSE.   

For me, any NOW summons was an automatic, "I can't do that..." - or, "I'll see what I can do, but it's not looking good."

For the record, what I could do was *nothing* but stay home and wait for the other shoe to drop as I screened my calls. 

You've GOT this, Nanotech!   

You are the one who is in charge of your life - not your dad - and if  he doesn't like it, it's really too bad, but there's really nothing he can DO about it if you pull rank  and start taking your time back and not playing his ridiculous, pathetic games.

*Especially* if he's dyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyying again, some more, again, some more, again!

Thank you Woman Interrupted! Your post is so supportive and yes empowering!
You're 100 per cent right. I'll believe it when I hear it from a doctor. Thank you for that. I'm aware of how my dad is, and how he manipulates, but sometimes I just drop my guard.
I don't think he's a hope in hell of getting a routine dental check. They are still dealing with emergencies only, and you have to social distance in the street as you wait for your appointment.
It's possible that he will turn it into an emergency. Sigh.
Luckily, we don't live in the same town any more. Haven't done for years.
I've been laughing out loud at your comments! Yes yes and YES to it not being my responsibility.
I'm kind and I care for my FOC and I ADORE my grandkids- missing them like crazy right now!
BUT  I'm no longer going to let that man abuse me. Which he will if I so much as lift a finger to 'help' him.
It's the pure selfishness of it.
All the symptoms heat had are a couple of extra toilet trips on SOME days. Not every day.
I suggested cutting down on hot drinks as he has tea/ coffee almost every hour. That got laughed at. So I just grey rocked after that.
He hates it.

I know he wants ME to ring the dentist ( be the FM) be rude and obnoxious and FORCE an appointment to be made for him.
When we were at the hospital on auntie's funeral day, he was furious with me when I refused to get up and follow staff, chasing up his blood results.
Older NSIS always does this sort of thing for him on his many hospital visits. She gets some rare approval from dad and she also gets Nsupply  from being a nasty B...... to all the staff.
I'm going to reduce calls even further. Yes I will end that call if it gets waifing or passive aggressive  or if he waxes lyrical and fantastical (?) on his results.
I got so confused last time when he would talk about his endoscopy findings. He seemed to contradict himself a lot.

Also, he will tell his adult children different things. When mum was ill, he did this all the time. We would compare notes and notice it. He was trying to manipulate our reactions to suit his own ends. Or else ensure we didn't get the full picture about mums health? Who knows?
When mum went into remission, he told us she'd been cured and she  was going to be fine.    .

My hubby is diabetic so he can't go near a hospital unless his own life depends upon it!  So he can't be the designated driver for my NDAD. This has been his role in the past. The family still expect it. Even when we were pandemic free, I had begun to put a stop to that. That was tricky. Hubby is a very kind man, and he didn't see it. I saw it, but for approval I enabled it when I was in the FOG  and not so wise.
My husband was only ever assessed for his usefulness by my family of origin. And boy did they use him. 

THE good news is-  I can't drive NDAD to the hospital  either, as I can't risk bringing  anything home to hubby.
So hubby the servant of old, becomes hubby the Priority who is the obstacle to dad's NSupply! 
It all annoys the bejesus out of my NDAD. 

Woman Interrupted you are a star. Thank you so much. I hope your health is improving and you don't have too many hospital visits yourself right now. I'm sending love and lots of hugs from across the pond!

[nanotech]

How do you know he's dying, for real?

A DOCTOR tells you he's not got long, it's a matter of months (weeks), things aren't looking well, it's time to start making important family decisions, or putting his affairs in order.   

A DOCTOR mentions Hospice or palliative care, to keep him comfortable.

That's how you know - a DOCTOR tells you directly.  Not your father said a doctor said, but it goes from a doctor's lips to your ears. 

Anything else  - especially if it comes from your father's mouth - is NOT to be believed.   

Couldn't say it better myself  . F was so often at the end to then again suddenly be able to work in the garden or something, so I decided it is best to just stay neutral. Too many tests, too many doctor and hospital visits by F, so many things kept repeating themselves like on a Merry-go-round, so I totally get your point and I'm really sorry you had to go through it and are again going through it. Medium chill "I'm sure your docotors are handeling it. Have you noticed the beautiful blue skies lately?" I did this for so long, that F repalced me with a new person who would listen and constantly worry about him.

Hang in there.

Practical, thank-you- yes  that's just like my NDAD. Seemingly at death's door  and then off walking around town the very next minute. He's a very very fit 88 year old who is still mobile and independent and all there up top in his brain (apart from the PD!). He's as sharp as a needle so when he begins waifing, well it just seems ludicrous. It's painful to hear.
I appreciate your sympathy, and I return it for your situation with your dad.
I will be taking a huge step back. I've already cut down on ringing him, but he's expecting me to reward his bad behaviour by an increase in calls this week.
I've also not contacted my three siblings on it. I've an Nsis, a Golden Child Nbro and a lost child/ enabler/ fm younger sis who all get involved  at various levels of thumb screwing, if offered the chance.
Nope,no way.  I'll just be gazing at the blue skies.... 😉🤗xx

[p123]

My elderly dad ( NPD) is having some tests this week. He has health anxiety(won't admit it) and before lockdown the hospital was his second home.
Every slight symptom he has means he's 'dying' and we all should rush round him and start performing our various dysfunctional roles.
I'm really anxious that because another relative is seriously ill, he's started ramping up the BS big time again.
He does have a condition- prostate cancer. It's the very very slow growing type. It's been under good control and he has hormone treatment for it. He's had a few more visits to the loo recently, not every day. It's not an infection  so they are testing his PSA to make sure the cancer is still under control.
This kind of health situation ( he was hoping it was a simple infection) makes him angry, and that's when he tends to start  getting abusive to me.
It's subtle and covert, which makes it tricky because it's harder to call out. He uses lots of insinuation, suggestion and passive aggression.
I hate it.
When my mum was dying, dad had a full blown rage at me. Then I wasn't allowed to see mum. BPDMum decided that I was lying  and I was banned from my parents house. I kept thinking my mum was going to die still angry at me.
It was all because I asked GC brother to do something for mum. BPDMum had asked me to do this, (then later denied it).
I said no at first, that it wasn't my place,  but she started hissing at me ( I'm not exaggerating, it was hissing) that she was a very sick woman and here I was, her daughter, refusing to help her ( this was on a late night phonecall).
So I did it. I asked my NPDGC bro and his wife to consider getting hitched sooner, as this was mum's dying wish.
My brother went ballistic. I thought, ok, I tried.  But the next day world war three erupted. He had gone to our parents, whereupon mum (who was scared of the monster GC) denied that she'd asked me to ask him! Everyone believed her. Dad raged. I had a panic attack.  I was branded as this person that lied and interfered. There followed months of abuse. I had to fawn and fawn to get to see mum, and on the condition I didn't mention the ' incident'.

So that was the fun and games we had ten years ago.
Now dad is reviving up again. I have to hear about all the 'idiots' who are spreading COVID. Yet then dad is out and about himself, having the chiropodist to his home and wants to visit the dentist soon for his check up ' because I need one."
He May not even need this prostrate check up. I'm unsure if he's being truthful about his health issues.
All this gaslighting.
How will I know when he's really dying?
He had a camera down his throat a million times last year. All they found were a very few pre -cancerous cells, which they removed. He hasn't got any cancer in his stomach. He's 88.
He thinks he now needs another check for that as well. He's annoyed it's been put back. Constant bleating about COVID and the 'idiots' who are risking his life going on the beach, into pubs etc. References also to the areas of high risk having  'lots of Asians'.
These 'people', this COVID, he said, have caused a delay in his health care!
So it's appalling bigotry, and of course, a total lack of empathy for those who have died or lost loved ones.
At the height of the pandemic he would talk about the daily deaths in great detail it but with no feeling for those people. It was all very clinical and concerned only with how it related to his own risk.
Many people have died from this.
He's 88 and he's swerved it so far, during the most dangerous time at least.

Shouldn't he be a bit thankful? 

He hasn't had any money problems to deal with like many folk have. In fact he's
boasted to me about how much better off he is financially, due to the social restrictions.

Now here he goes again.

A couple of years ago he disrupted two family funerals with his obsessive preoccupation with his own health. At the first one I was the only one in charge of his stupid antics trying to get himself into hospital.I'll never put myself in that position again. 
The second time around I said a big fat NO to his again imagined illness on the day, and as we were all standing to greet the hearse, he was curt and sulky to me.
I feel better for writing this. I've read it back and I'll keep re reading it so I don't get pulled back in or tripped up.
They're my family.
It isn't just that they haven't got our back- it's that we actually have to protect ourselves from them that is so hard to take.
And how will I know when he's really dying?

Hi nano - as I've said before I'm sure you're Dad and my Dad are twins!
Sorry you're facing this at this moment. I've said before Dad thinks hes dying pretty much every week - I just ignore him now. As does his GP and the ambulance service to be honest.

I've made my peace now that probably he will be found dead in his chair eventually having been there for a few days. What can I do? Nothing. If I believed him every day I would literally be there every day. He tells me feels like hes dying when he gets hayfever after all.

[nanotech]

Thanks P123 for that validation.
Yes, its impossible to know how well or ill he is at any given moment.
His tests came back fine and wow how quickly he moved from waif/victim to superior/discarding, even cocky and show -offy about it.
He goes from
'Help. I need you NOW!'
to
'Hahaha I don't need you AT ALL!'

Off topic a bit but he also keeps boasting about how much money he's accumulated  because of the pandemic.
I'm wondering how that money serves him, except for this tasteless showing off?
Is he considering donating to food banks? No he isn't.

[p123]

Thanks P123 for that validation.
Yes, its impossible to know how well or ill he is at any given moment.
His tests came back fine and wow how quickly he moved from waif/victim to superior/discarding, even cocky and show -offy about it.
He goes from
'Help. I need you NOW!'
to
'Hahaha I don't need you AT ALL!'

Off topic a bit but he also keeps boasting about how much money he's accumulated  because of the pandemic.
I'm wondering how that money serves him, except for this tasteless showing off?
Is he considering donating to food banks? No he isn't.

Sorry to hear nano - nah my dad is permanently dying. Even from hayfever!

Yes he likes his money too. Hoards it in the bank. Hes got thousands that he never ever spends. Its there for fun I think because his flat (furntiture/carpets etc) is falling to pieces.
He scans his bank statements religiously and god forbid theres £1 there he doesnt recognise.

[nanotech]

Yes, my dad is like that with his bank account.
With restaurant bills too. One time he'd forgotten that he'd bought a drink for the piano player, and he complained that he'd been overcharged. Then, when they reminded him,  no apologies! It's just a bit cringe -making.
He does this in the smallest of cafes. Stands at the self -service adding it up. I would understand it more, if he was on a low income. He takes it very seriously too. No one had better raise an eyebrow!
But, as I'm writing this, I'm thinking about his childhood. he was raised in a council house and my grandparents weren't well off. Maybe it's that.
I have compassion, but not at the expense of self- differentiation.

[Adrianna]

Regarding the money issue, my father is the same. He hates to part with a dollar and hoards his money. Growing up I hated to even ask for five dollars. It's almost a sickness in and of itself to be that way, apart from the personality disorder.

[nanotech]

Yes, it does seem that way.
He used to have meals out on expenses when he was working.
Another perk of the job was free private healthcare. He still gets this. It's just a partial covering now that he's retired. When he's used this for healthcare, I always get to hear  smug remarks about what it WOULD have cost him, If he'd had to pay.
He knows how much he can spend privately each year, and when he's spent up he tries to beg the procedures he thinks he needs from the NHS.
He was a salesman in pharma, selling to doctors and consultants. He is a clever talker, coming across as calm, knowledgable, responsible.  This tends to disguise his desperately low emotional intelligence and doctors have generally rolled over and let him walk all over them.


He thinks I don't know about this.
My other siblings go along with this.

[Poison Ivy]

Here's a thought, for what it's worth: You don't have to do anything for or spend any time with your father, whether or not he's "really dying."

[nanotech]

Here's a thought, for what it's worth: You don't have to do anything for or spend any time with your father, whether or not he's "really dying."

Poison ivy , thank you
Yes, and yes.

He's hinted a lot that he expects the same level of care and attention from us ( but he means mostly me) that my mum had when she was dying..

' ....because that's  the kind of family we are.'

Mum's  diagnosis, illness and death within12 months was one full year of an explosive hotbed of toxic tantrumming
(dad) and malicious, horrific sibling rivalry.

I was deeply in the fog then. 
I'm not now. 

I've already told UNPD GC brother that I won't be doing rotating shifts at the hospice with dad,  like I did with mum.
If they want to do it, that's their call.

With mum it was awful. I had to try to manage my dad's denial that she was terminal
at all. Then I got his blame and anger. Then the NPD siblings would arrive and join in, adding their own passive aggressive invalidations. My brother hardly talking to me because of perceived slights, it was terrible.
No thank you.
I don't think brother believes me, but he will see. The two PDs think that once dad's health begins to genuinely wain (even if he's not dying! ) then of course I will have to renew contact with them. They think they are in for a repeat performance where they get to abuse me. Heaven only knows what dad would be like. They would all lash out greedily for their nsupply.
Well guess what, I won't be there.,
So your reminder is an important one.
There is stuff we don't have to do.
I'll go and see him( probably, and in moderation), but not when the other siblings are around, and hubby will be riding shotgun.
If hubby is there it's more difficult for them to be toxic to me. They hid their abuse from him for years, as did I, because I wanted him to like them, and I wanted to pretend they were normal. 
And if I offer moderate contact with my dad and it isn't good enough, then even that won't happen.

[Adrianna]

Nano you've come a long way in this process. Good work! It's interesting when people see us play a certain role then we opt out. They don't know what to do with the new person we have become.

My father thought I would do the same dance with him I've done with his mother. Being a servant - no thanks. The day I told him I don't want his money or any inheritance was the day I broke free from him. He thought he could use it to control me. My self respect has no price.
I only speak to him when really necessary. He gets his narc supply from his friend and his housekeeper. He tells people in town that I don't like him. He's not wrong. I love him as a fellow human being, not in a fatherly way, and wish him the best, but like him as a person, nope.

[nanotech]

Nano you've come a long way in this process. Good work! It's interesting when people see us play a certain role then we opt out. They don't know what to do with the new person we have become.

My father thought I would do the same dance with him I've done with his mother. Being a servant - no thanks. The day I told him I don't want his money or any inheritance was the day I broke free from him. He thought he could use it to control me. My self respect has no price.
I only speak to him when really necessary. He gets his narc supply from his friend and his housekeeper. He tells people in town that I don't like him. He's not wrong. I love him as a fellow human being, not in a fatherly way, and wish him the best, but like him as a person, nope.

Thank you. I love what you wrote, that your self respect is priceless. Yes.
If my dad talks about 'all the money I will get'  and how good he's being by not wasting it,
I just tell him ' That's your money dad.Use it as you would like.'
Which is exactly what he's doing. He likes to hoard it.
He tries to use it like a carrot. I dislike that so much. It's worse than the stick, because when he uses it he clearly thinks it's okay to behave like that and it's okay for me to respond to that!
Horrible.
It's a bit of cash for goodness sake. I've managed without financial help from him since forever, and whenever it's been offered there have been strings. I'll be on a pension myself in a few years (62 nearly). It won't be a big one, but that's fine.
If it's not the house money, he will ring and tell me that he's got a lottery ticket and I will get a big share if he wins. He wants to split it five ways and we can "all buy a house in the same street! "
I actually can't think of anything worse. It's his  nearest way of trying to get us all back under one roof. Not one roof, but one street.  Perfect for him actually, because his house is his castle, and we would be very close and available to meet his needs.
His favourite anecdote about me at family parties concerns a time ( I was 19) when he considers I grossly overspent on a taxi. I did. I missed my train and I was trying to get home for work Monday morning.
The real rub for my dad was that my then boyfriend/ now husband, paid it for me. No strings and no fuss! And he could afford it! He took the power away I think, from my parents, who would have preferred me to suffer consequences for my lack of planning.
Inheritance is honestly not worth the price of my soul.
Thanks everyone for your kind messages and advice.
I've now noticed something that's been hiding in plain sight. This topic on my dad's health/ waifing,  strayed over a lot into my dad's financial abuse of me.
I think that's interesting.
I've become aware of just how much he continues to link his possible failing health with the subject of inheritance. His pain equals my gain, sort of thing, if I comply. I'm very much aware, forewarned is forearmed and I'm going to tread carefully.X