His mom is an uNPD, could he be too?

[Breakthrough]

I have been married 9 years and with my husband 15 years.  He has never held down a real job in that time.  He decided to be a full time SAHD when we had kids.  One who barely keeps the kids fed (on junk food), doesn't clean or do laundry and our sink has been moulds on a regular basis.  He gets the kids to school late on a regular basis and I do homework with them.  He is supposed to pay our bills, keep in touch with our accountant to get taxes done.  He didn't this year and repeatedly lied to me about it because I asked him many times and he told me it was taken care of.  Turns out not, and so I have to pay tens of thousands of dollars in penalties.  I don't understand why he'd lie and he has no explanation.  He sort of seems remorseful, but also not.  I have a crazy busy job and am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  My eczema is flaring, And my stomach constantly hurts, now I am getting canker sores.  This all tends to happen when I am under a lot of stress.  I have gotten better at managing it over the years, but I honestly am barely holding it together right now.  He has never been able to change, ever.  He is now over the last several days making an effort after so many years of no effort, I think only because he knows I am only hanging on for the kids now.  If there is not big improvement over the next 6 months we'll trial a separation.  If I have to do it all by myself, I might as well really do it all by myself.  I guess all of this here is because I wonder, he is very selfish, does this mean he has a PD?  He claims he may be depressed.  He has always said he is the most like his mother.  He is right, but that scares me. I don't know if I can handle being with him anymore, but I want my kids to be happy and for the most part, he is a decent dad, a good one even.  My whole body and my heart hurt from his recent actions.  I really do not know what to do. I think I will give him a chance for the next 6 mo and stick to my original plan, but I feel like I can't breathe with the weight of having to bear the consequences of his mistakes.  It's always me that pays, never him.  I am not sure I can get over this one.

[notrightinthehead]

Breakthrough what a lousy situation to be in! Seems like you are the only adult in this family and you would need a housekeeper to help you cope with the load.

As a first step, you might practise radical acceptance, that what you describe here is your actual truth, that instead of getting help from your husband he makes more work for you.  That he behaves in a financially irresponsible way. Once you give up the hope or illusion that behaves like an adult, you are more likely to deal with it in an appropriate way.

Are you getting legal advice? Can you separate financially from your husband? Have an account for the household, food, drinks, little items, to which he has access  while you pay bills from your own account to which he has no access? And do all the task with financial implications like taxes yourself.

In this 6 month period that you now suggested, have you given him a clear list of your expectations? A list against which you and he can check his progress? It should be as detailed as possible, for example 6 days a week prepare a wholesome meal once a day consisting of freshly prepared vegetables, salad, meat and some carbs.... or 'drop kids at school at exactly 8' and then it can be ticked daily if he has done it. Get inspired by educational programs that were fashionable on TV many years ago like the Supernanny . This way both of you can monitor if your requests are being met and if there is progress in the right direction.

You say he is a good father to your kids, a good parent also models accountability and responsibility for his children. Hold him accountable!

It seems that all this stress of being with a man who does not live up to your expectations puts a burden on your health. Maybe you are not getting the emotional support from your husband that you would need. If you are dealing with an emotionally immature man, he might never be able to give you that. Therefore you might be wise to find it elsewhere, for example by going to a therapist, self help group, group of friends or even for meditation or wellness weekends. As you are the only bread winner for your family, you have to take good care of yourself, be kind and gentle with yourself, so that you have enough energy and strength to shoulder all this responsibility. You deserve to find support for yourself! Your kids deserve to have a strong and healthy mother, who takes good care of herself! Show them how you do it!

[1footouttadefog]

I have a similar situation in some ways.

I have a spouse who was partially or unemployed for years and my having  to pick up the slack caused me to stop my education and get additional jobs several times.

Later after we had kids I had to leave them home with dad while I worked. He all the sudden quite being the diet king and annoying neat Nick, and the housework was not being done.  He would take them out for junk food a lot or give them what he thought was cool and would score dad points with the kids.

I was fortunate to end uo with a job where I could take the kids to work with me.  I was zookeeper, back office and payroll for a home based business.  They had a playroom and a home theatre I was able to let the kids enjoy on days I brought them to work.  As home schoolers some of their time was sound doing lessons.



I had to re-evaluate some things at that time.  I had to define dad.  I decided my spouse was playing the roll of brother not dad or father.

I started making a, menu and chore list and moved into my own room.

This helped a lot  at that time, but my spouse has continued to decline into childishness and parentify me ever since.

At times when he has improved it has only been for short periods of  time.  It's as if he ups his game because the "mean mommy" is onto him then quickly forgets.

In the mean his retirement incomes have started and I don't have to work outside the house full time.   

It sounds like you get less help than I had.  I am sorry this has to be super hard.  If he is online a lot, I would consider putting time restraints on the internet.  Routers can be set up to only let the internet flow during certain hours.

I  can understand you reaching the point of making the 6 month line in the sand.  I hope you are able to make the hard decisions with clarity. Take care of yourself the best you can.  Off load some chores to the kids.  I was amazed how much it relieved me to give them each a 15-20 min job per day.  It added up to hours of work over a week.  I lost time up front training them but soon reaped the rewards.

[Breakthrough]

Thank you!  I am doing my best to hold him accountable, he knows this is the first time I have seriously considered divorce (which was never on the table before).  It really seems to be the only thing he responds to, threats of his cushy life coming to an end.  He is doing better but we need marriage counselling, badly.  He is much more responsible these past few days.  I have told him gets 6 months to shape up and we need monthly reviews like it's a job.  I am glad he is taking things seriously, but I really wish it didn't have to come to this.