Hello

[WonderOverWorry]

Hello all - sorry we are meeting under these circumstances.
I have an NPD sibling, coming from a long line of people on the NPD spectrum on our father's side. I'm here for... support? Validation? Advice? All of the above?

(I apologize for using 'sibling' and not pronouns but I have fears.)

NPD Sibling convinced/forced our mother to move across the country to be closer to Sibling a few years ago (a six hour drive from myself.) After much therapy and several incidents (including physical abuse), I went NC. Broke my heart as Sibling has kids I adored but I had to choose what was best for myself. After that, my sibling had set the boundary with our mother that she was not to share information with me about Sibling's family. I also set this boundary. Mom was respectful to all parties about this.
About a year later, Sibling verbally attacked our mother and Mom went no contact. Sibling claimed Mom had never been supportive of Sibling (wildly untrue.) Sibling also brought me into it, of course - that mom had 'sided' with me. As I said, my mother was respectful of the boundary Sibling had set, so there was nothing to 'side' with me on.

Sibling and mom have been NC for almost 3 years - despite living less than a mile apart, our mother being elderly and living alone, and Sibling forcing her to move across the country to be near Sibling's family. Our mom has nobody else in the area and Sibling knows this. The only contact mom has with her grandkids is if they see each other randomly in public.
At this point, my mom has a good living situation (location, financially, etc) and moving her closer to myself is not feasible (nor myself moving to her.)

I'm learning to deal with how infuriating the whole situation is but its a struggle.
I know the relationship between Sibling and I is over - I'm ok with that. Its better that way.
But I'm angry for how my mother is being treated, how my sibling's version of reality is so hurtful and so wildly untrue. Our mom is an excellent mother and grandmother - that was all she's ever wanted out of life and Sibling knows they are robbing her of this.
I'm angry that my mother and I are seen as the villains because of the lies Sibling has told, the reality Sibling lives in that others don't realize isn't true.

How do you deal with wanting everyone to know the truth and not being able to tell it? Or fearing retaliation from Sibling if you do? I fear for myself and for my mom - including physically. Honestly, most of the people who I want to know the truth are family members I also suspect of being on the NPD spectrum and I'm not super interested in a relationship with any of them either - but I also don't want to have my name dragged through the mud to them. We deserve the truth to be told - for others to know what an absolute liar and POS my sibling really is.
I'm also very curious about Sibling's Partner - who I always had a good relationship with until I went NC. I want to reach out but know it could put Partner in an unsafe situation. I have suspicions they are separated but I don't know for sure. I want Partner to know I have no ill feelings against them.

Some people have mentioned forgiveness - not that it would change the relationship I have with Sibling but supposedly to help myself. Frankly, I just don't want that. Sibling doesn't deserve it - sibling has been getting my grace since we were children and it's always backfired on me. I'm done with that. Being clear with myself that we will never go back to the relationship we had brings me peace. But it doesn't work like that in trying to protect my mom. I don't know how to find peace with that situation.

So... what's next?

[notrightinthehead]

Hello and welcome!
How sad the situation is you described. It seems that you are ok with your non relationship with your sibling and your concern is mostly about your mother. And the unfairness of your sibling's treatment of your mother. Of course you realize that this is out of your control, the best you can do is to be as healthy as you could possibly be and be supportive of your mother, should she come to you for support.

Do you feel the situation affected you in a negative way?

[bloomie]

WonderOverWorry - welcome to Out of the FOG. What a complicated and painful circumstance all of this has to be. I am so sorry you are seeing this sadness unfold in your mom's life as it has in yours with your sibling. (and not using pronouns and giving specifics is very wise as the posts here are publicly viewable) 

It has to be so frustrating and difficult to bear witness to your mom's losses and yet be so far away. And to be able to identify with them so closely having experienced similar things.

It sounds like your mom made a wise and healthy choice in going NC with an abusive adult child. Her decision may deprive her of seeing grandchildren, but it also protects her which is the more critical thing. That had to be a very difficult decision for her.

How do you deal with wanting everyone to know the truth and not being able to tell it?

The short answer to your question is... in my own experience, you can only deal with the injustice of having been maligned and misrepresented on your side of things. You keep on living your good and worthy life. You do not negotiate with anyone the definition of who you are. Even if someone is aiming to ruin your reputation they cannot take the essence of who you are away from you - your character, your talents and abilities, the knowledge and wisdom, the equipping you have done of and for yourself. All that makes up who you are is yours and no one can take that away.

In terms of what others think, even your siblings partner, you have zero control over what others think of you and, I say this gently, it is actually not our business what others think of us.

There are some times when it is appropriate to speak up, correct a misstatement, or outright lie from another about us or about circumstances, and we do that with dignity, without maligning another and we say what we need to say, one time. And we keep moving forward.

Your mother is being used in a zero sum game your sibling is playing it seems. How important to not play by you both going NC! Your mother is a hero in my book for respecting each of you along the way and not sharing personal info about the other. I am thankful you and your mom have each other and imagine you are a huge support to her.

I am glad you are here and look forward to supporting you! See you out on the forum boards!

[WonderOverWorry]

Thank you all for your replies. It is a comfort to know I'm not alone.

Do you feel the situation affected you in a negative way?

Yes and no. It is positive in that my mom now sees how my childhood really was vs what Sibling told her it was. Its negative having to parent my parent for the bad choices of my sibling.

... seeing this sadness unfold in your mom's life as it has in yours with your sibling.

THIS hit home for me. I can handle myself, watching my mom - who's life has not been easy and absolutely deserves to live out her golden years enjoying the company of her grandchildren. It is hard to watch and I appreciate someone acknowledging that.
You make some other great points, too, and no offense taken in that what others think of me is not my business - its 100% accurate. I appreciate the perspective.