Hello. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop

[Just Kathy]

Hello,

I find myself seeking solace and understanding on this platform, yearning for a community that resonates with my experiences and offers empathy.

To begin with, my roots are entangled in the complexities of my family of origin that, for lack of a better term, was marred by dysfunction. It's a journey marked by numerous trials and tribulations, which I am eager to explore and discuss here. The shadows cast by my upbringing have shaped my struggles and my resilience, and I'm hoping to delve deeper into understanding and perhaps healing these scars.

 In the tapestry of my life, another significant thread is my marriage to a man who, in my eyes, exhibits the subtle yet profound traits of covert narcissism. Bound by my spiritual beliefs, I'm navigating a path that does not lead to separation but rather to coexistence and understanding. This journey is not about altering his personality but about cultivating my inner strength and wisdom to live harmoniously within the confines of our shared life.

At the heart of my quest is a profound pivot towards self-reflection and growth. I've come to the stark realization that waiting for him to change is a futile endeavor. A poignant example of our discord is his rhetorical question, "If you feel that way, or if I'm such a bad person, why are you married to me?" When he tells me this, I so want to quit him, but due to my beliefs and situation – I can't!

This, among other things, highlights a deep-seated denial and deflection of accountability on his part. When faced with conversations about his actions, he adeptly employs DARVO (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender), leaving the realm of constructive dialogue barren and desolate.

It's within this intricate web of personal and relational dynamics that I seek guidance, support, and perhaps a new perspective. My journey here is one of self-discovery, empowerment, and forging a path of peace and resilience amidst the storm.
I find myself becoming passive-aggressive because I cannot DIRECTLY communicate my feelings, wants, and needs to this man.

This morning, after thinking about one of his many shenanigans that caused me great pain, I said, "You know you are just like your mother in that you do things that hurt people, and you will never change."

He branded me 'evil.' He went on to say he was glad he had dominion over our finances—a clear power play. This wasn't merely about money; it was an admission veiled in defiance. He acknowledged, albeit indirectly, my growing discontent and the looming shadow of my potential departure.

How can I release the grip of anger and resentment that I harbor towards him? Acknowledging that he is unlikely to change, I find it increasingly painful to nurse these emotions. My inability to communicate directly with him forces me to internalize my feelings to such an extent that, when they do surface, they emerge as hurtful words. It feels akin to shouting at a wall, lamenting its lack of ears, yet futilely hoping for it to sprout some and listen. This cycle of silence and explosion serves neither of us, leaving me to wonder how to break free from this pattern and find peace within myself.

Whenever I muster the courage to present the facts to him and articulate my needs, he responds with what I've come to describe as his exasperating (hukie) dance of denial, followed by a classic DARVO maneuver. Each time, it leaves me feeling utterly depleted and weary, contemplating whether my future holds a perpetual struggle to maintain my boundaries and preserve my self-respect. This cycle of conflict and invalidation raises a daunting question: Will my life continuously be an uphill battle with this man?  I've reached a stage where in the rare moments our life seems tranquil, he instinctively stirs up turmoil. It's as if peace unnerves him, compelling him to disrupt it. Currently, I find myself in a state of anxious anticipation, bracing for the inevitable disruption to our fleeting calm. It's like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Thanks!

[Starboard Song]

...I seek guidance, support, and perhaps a new perspective. My journey here is one of self-discovery, empowerment, and forging a path of peace and resilience amidst the storm.
I find myself becoming passive-aggressive because I cannot DIRECTLY communicate my feelings, wants, and needs to this man.

Welcome to Out of the FOG. You come here with a good mission, and we are a good source of understanding and solace. Head over to the Toolbox right away. Check out the Chosen Relationships board, too. You'll see quickly that you are not alone.

We look forward to hearing more of your story on the boards that are right for you, and more of your unique voice.

[LemonLime]

Welcome, Kathy (If that is your real name, I respectfully suggest you change your "handle" to something more anonymous)   

I just want to welcome you here, and let you know you've landed in a good place with wonderful people for support.  We're all at different places in the PD journey, so look around at the threads and see what you learn.  Along with the Toolbox, of course, which is invaluable.

We're here for support.  You're right that you can't change this person; you can only change yourself.  That knowledge is key, and it sounds like you're already embracing that.

Keep posting.