Hello

[Beachlife]

Hello
I've just found this forum after googling FOG Cycle of Abuse.
After years of putting up with my husband's behaviour, I am starting to wonder if he has a personality disorder.

He will lose his temper over minor things then rage at me and/or the kids, then shut himself off in his study and won't speak to us for a day or two. Then when he has calmed down he expects the rest of us to act like nothing has happened and is charming, friendly, over the top nice.

He has thrown things in anger and told me to F off when we weren't even arguing, he just didn't like what I had suggested.

He has a victim mentality and blames everyone else for his behaviour. He will say 'don't blame me' when I'm not even looking to blame anyone. For example, I needed to take the cat to the vet and he said 'we don't have enough money' then said 'don't blame me!' before I even had a chance to reply.

He is passive aggressive and says subtle and not so subtle put downs.

I have become emotionally and physically distanced from him due to his behaviours. We came close to separating a couple of years ago and he said 'he would die alone' if we did. I felt guilty (as he intended) and nothing got resolved.

Due to a child with special needs it is difficult for me to leave and to be honest I am scared to leave as I know he will put all the blame on me. I have an anxiety disorder which flares up when I feel guilty about something.

I've stopped trying to talk to him about his behaviour because it's always my fault.

I'm feeling trapped and stuck and miserable but don't know how to move forward. I can't imagine living the rest of my life this way.

Thanks for listening

[SonofThunder]

Hi Beachlife and welcome to Out of the FOG!  Im sorry to read of the difficult relationship with your spouse. 

I was married to my PD spouse for multiple decades, now separated and so I come alongside of you in the difficulty of living with a disordered person. 

Im concerned for you and your child in the physical aggression and self-harm statements you mentioned regarding your husband's "thrown things in anger",  "rage at me and/or the kids" and "he said, he would die alone".  At the bottom of my reply is a link to a helpful page here at Out of the FOG and I urge you to contact one of these organizations asap to receive guidance and assistance for self protection for you and your children, from an aggressive PD. You are not alone Beachlife.

I also look forward to interacting with you here on the boards.  Please make sure to keep your Out of the FOG activity private as PD's use this kind of knowledge against us. 

SoT

https://outofthefog.website/emergency

[bloomie]

Hi Beachlife - adding another warm welcome to the community.

You describe a very uncertain atmosphere in your home and one that can devolve into lashing out and then punishment through silent treatment. How hard to find a firm path forward for yourself and your family with this going on. I am so sorry. And thankful you have found this community.

Something that began a significant change in my own troubled marriage was refocusing on what I could control, change, cure and accepting that was always and only me. Doing the deep work of recognizing and firmly establishing my core values and beliefs and from that foundation figuring out what does and does not work for me in ANY relationship has been a game changer.

Raging, acting out violently, verbal abuse... this is very serious behavior in your home as you know. Finding some in real life support from trained professions as you figure out what the best steps forward in light of your H's behaviors are for you, along with spending time here, seems vital to your well being and the well being of vulnerable children.

Some helpful links:

A method to assess current risk to you and your children: https://www.mosaicmethod.com
A resource that will answer questions on things from developing a safety play to information on warning signs is found here: https://www.thehotline.org

There are great conversations taking place all over the forum and resources to support you on your healing path. Keep coming back as you are able and let us know how you are doing!

[Beachlife]

Thank you for your replies.

My H actually had another episode of anger last night over a seemingly minor issue. He swore at my son then took off out the back for ages and when he finally came in he didn't speak to me.
I woke up during the night to him in the bathroom saying over and over again 'F@cking' and then 'Die, die, die'. I am terrified. What is going on???

[SonofThunder]

Hi Beachlife,

I will again urge you to make contact with the links already provided above, for the safety of yourself and your child(ren).  Your question at the end of your last reply may just be stated in frustration, but because it ends with question marks and you are new to Out of the FOG, please note the member guidelines for Out of the FOG found at the link below.  Again, please reach out to either the police who serve your immediate area and/or helplines in the links. 

SoT

https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=30.0

As you will read at the link above (copy/paste for your quick reference below)

"Who We Are Not:

We are neither medical, legal, nor mental health professionals.  Out of the FOG is not intended as a substitute or replacement for therapy, counseling, or professional mental health services.  See our Disclaimer.html for more info.

This community is not a place to give or receive medical advice, or to share personal details about medical conditions. Posts describing ongoing, detailed discussions of medical conditions will be deleted.

This community is not a place to give or receive legal advice, and it is an unsafe place to post detailed discussions about legal proceedings, or of any personal events that may create legal liability. (e.g. if a member was engaged in violence, violated a court order or law regarding child custody, or took possession of a home or property in a divorce or separation). Posts detailing legal proceedings, threads with legal advice, and those describing events or conditions that may create a significant risk of legal liability to a member will be deleted.

This community is also not a place to resolve or describe ongoing domestic violence, child abuse, or neglect. These are acute matters that require IRL resources. Please see our Emergency Resources Page for resources. Posts that describe an ongoing threat of domestic violence, child abuse, or neglect will be deleted.

[Defiantdaughter1]

I hate that you've been living like this. He needs intervention and a mental evaluation. His behavior isn't about you or the children. He's got problems—whether it's a personality disorder, intermittent explosive disorder, etc. Please stay safe.