Victim Mentality

[Beachlife]

How do you try and discuss issues with someone who has a victim mentality???

Husband has been clashing with son a lot (son has an aquired brain injury and has emotional and cognitive impairments). Last night after H snapped at son and took off to his study, son went to bed without saying goodnight to H.

H was annoyed that son did that, clearly forgetting how many times he has done the same to us after an outburst. H asked me if he'd done something to son because he always seems angry with him. Son has told me his dad is mean to him but I didn't tell H that. Just tried to diplomatically say that I think H is too hard on son sometimes. H got annoyed and turned it on us - 'nothing he ever does is good enough for anyone'. Once again forgetting all his outbursts/splitting/silent treatment/ swearing at us etc.

I just walked away. H obviously has no insight to his behaviour and how it affects me & the kids. There is absolutely no point trying to talk to him because he will never believe he is the issue.

[square]

Ugh, that sucks.

And you're right, there's no point. The essence of conflicts with a PD is that communication and logic don't work. That they will continue their harmful behavior no matter how illogical or hypocritical.

Since this involves your son, I might TRY to frame it like "I think Son did that because he is sad. He felt he couldn't come to you to say goodnight." Thus maybe sidestepping the criticism and rejection implicit with focusing on husband's behavior rather than son's feelings of hurt. Also for BPD sorts (and not NPD or ASPD) it can feel reassuring to them that someone would feel sad about not feeling close, it takes away the sting of rejection that comes with feeling like the person doesn't care.

It might not help but might be worth a shot to diffuse the situation a bit for your son.

[Beachlife]

Thank you for your reply and advice. In the future I will try to frame things like you said rather than make it seem like I am criticising his behaviour.

It's frustrating though because he always criticises/blames us. We no longer share a bedroom and the other night, when my daughter had trouble sleeping, I said to her she could sleep in my bed if she wanted to (she has anxiety issues and being near me often helps her calm down). He said 'oh she's allowed to sleep in there but I'm not' in front of daughter. Once again it's my fault, not his! No recognition that his behaviour has led to me feeling unsafe emotionally around him and therefore physically disconnected.

[Beachlife]

Forgot to say that it makes me question myself and wonder if I'm blowing his behaviour out of proportion and being too hard on him.

[square]

No, that behavior is toxic, childish, selfish, and harmful.

Your daughter is allowed to have a need without it being about him.

And he is trying to equate two entirely different situations. Your daughter needing support and comfort is not remotely related to you protecting yourself from his toxic behaviors by sleeping separately.

My thought on that is to simply start to expect such childish comments so they don't shock, hurt, and disappoint you. And take them as seriously as you would a toddler screaming he or she wants the ENTIRE birthday cake.

I would just not even justify that with an answer of any kind, nor bother to spend any time thinking about how bizarre or hypocritical or ridiculous it was. Like a bag lady yelling at me when I walk down the street.

I wasn't able to get to that mental outlook overnight, mind you. And I'd be lying if I said I'm batting 1.000 on that. But indeed I've saved my blood pressure from spiking many times, and I've had noticable health improvements from just expecting nothing less and carrying on.

[MaxedOut]