Narc family system

[JackieO]

 I realized this morning that trying to workout a respectful relationship with a narc results exactly what I've read others say.  The advise is always do not confront a narc.  They will try to destroy you.  This is being played out in my family. I also realize that narcs don't operate alone – ever.  The advise is to go no contact. I get it now. My mom has created a fortress with three kids, my siblings.  They will protect her wound.  If they don't, she will destroy them too.  When she is offended they are offended.  When she rejects someone, they reject that person.   I can and will speak my truth where I see fit, but don't expect them to maintain a relationship with me when I do.   
The focus in what I have read has been about the narc.  But she doesn't act alone. That is an understatement.  I was born into a narc family system.  I need to view everyone associated with her as part of the narc family system.  Everyone in her life, supports her narc and is wounded in some way so that they cant see it and therefore they continue to be in her life. 
Her dad was a narc.  He beat two kids ( mom was one of the two) , spoiled two and was indifferent to the rest.  He was protected by her siblings. My aunt always said something like everyone should love their dad.  She called her father who beat two of his kids, daddy. He created the same thing my mom has.  He created a fortress to protect his wound and his wounding of those two kids.  I wondered why my aunt would say that everyone should love their dad and why she called him daddy.  And yet my mom had stories of an abusive dad who would have been arrested today for his treatment of two kids.  I wondered why my grandma stayed with a man who abused her kids and was mean and was hateful to her.  I had these questions as a child.  I saw this as a child.  I see now that I was born into a narc family system, that has been active for generations.  I don' t know what my next step is for me, but I trust the universe for guidance as I figure this out.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Hi JackieO  I'm so sorry about what you have gone through with FOO. It sounds painful.

I think what you lay out is sadly true for many of us. Something I'm grappling with myself. Though only one individual is severely disordered, and others can put out small kindnesses from time to time to make you feel guilty and reconsider boundaries with them, the whole family unit is most likely infected.

I'm seeing this whole thing play out with my FOO - their attempts to guard and protect the PD, but their confusion and their own (understandable) pain about NC or VLC is part and parcel to the choices they make. There's just no other way to protect ourselves and for them to possibly learn the consequences when a PD goes after a scapegoated family member and what that family member must do to protect themselves in turn, to heal and move on.

[guitarman]

You are not alone.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister.

I find the author and counsellor Kris Godinez very helpful. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better. She gives live talks most Sundays on her YouTube channel called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez".

Another person I follow on YouTube is Doctor Ramani who talks about narcissism.

I now call my sister my abuser. Abusers are all about power and control.

I have learnt about the black or white thinking. You are either a friend or an enemy. I have learnt about "toxic bonding" and how difficult it maybe for targets of abuse to get away from their abuser. I have learnt about "flying monkeys" who act on the abuser's behalf.

All of this now makes sense to me the more I have learnt about Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and NPD.

[JackieO]

Hi DistanceNotDefense.  Have you  listened to Inner Integration with Meredith Miller on youtube?  She pointed out that narc create trauma bond through a cycle,  they love bomb, then they devalue you, then they abuse.  Your guilt (and mine when I was in contact with them) was from receiving their love bombing.  The devaluation and abuse follows, they make you think it is your fault they cant love you. 
Keep taking care of yourself and making decisions that are in your best interest. 

[JackieO]

Guitarman,  Thank you for the references. I will check out Kris Godenzy.  I recently discovered Inner Integration with Meredith Miller on youtube.   Her episode called The Narcissistic Family Cult hit home for me.  She pointed out that when we are in contact with the narc and their support system, our nervous system  doesn't trust us to take care of ourselves.  Now that I am no contact, I get it.    When I stopped playing the care taker role completely with my mom and brothers, they cut themselves off from me.  The freedom I feel  and clarify I have to take care of myself with other people is incredible. My nervous system tells me when some one or an action isn't okay.  I now have the freedom and clarity to respond to my nervous system. 
It sounds like you are learning the same things.  Isn't the freedom and clarity incredible!

[guitarman]

As Kris Godinez says "Trust your gut it never lies. Unlike your head or your heart".