Homeless BPD?

[JungleGirl]

Hi,  my Un-BPD sister is in her 50's, and has become much more erratic in the past five years.  Over these past five years she has had on and off "cut offs" with different family members.   

Over the past 6 months, she has really begun to alienate her husband and our mother.  She and her husband live with my our mother.  At this point she is bouncing around between Airbnb's and friends' houses because she cannot stand to live with my mother.  At this point my mother has decided that my sister is no longer welcome to live there.  This is the first time my mother has ever reached this point.

My sister has no job and no money as a result of one bad, impulsive decision after the next.  For our adult lives, my mother, another sister and I have enabled her dependency and sense of entitlement by pick up the pieces after her really poor decisions.  It's only in these past 5 years that we see things clearly and are trying to change our own behaviors and responses to her.

I am exhausted (as are my mother, other sister and brother-in-law), and have nothing left to give.  My question is: now that she has largely burned all her bridges, and has left herself with almost no resources, what do we do?   I know I don't want to, nor do I have the energy to, keep enabling and care-taking her.  What do I do or say once she completely runs out of resources and options?  I fear she'll become homeless. And I feel so very, very heartless if I just let her deal with the consequences because they are so awful and sad.  Has anyone else faced a similar choice?   I'd love to hear people's stories or opinions.

Thanks so much to this forum. I don't use it a lot, but it has been really helpful, and it's a comfort to know that's it's here.

[GettingOOTF]

I enabled my BPDxH in many of the same ways you are enabling your sister. It took everything from me. I left my marriage a shell of a person with basically no money. So I totally get how exhausting it is. I felt terrible leaving my ex. I was convinced he would become homeless without me.

What actually happened was he got a job and found a girlfriend who supports him in much the same way I did.

People who learn to rely on others (addicts, PDs etc.) are very resourceful and almost always land in their feet.

Have you read Codependent No More? I found this very helpful. I also found Stop Walking On eggshells very helpful.

Walking away from my ex and some other similar "family drama" was the best thing I've ever done for myself. I look back and I'm shocked at how much time and effort I put into controlling other people's lives instead of focusing on my own life. I wish I'd been able to do it sooner.

[JungleGirl]

Hi Getting Out of the FOG,

Thanks so  much for your post and response. It is very helpful to read your story, especially the part about the fact that often these people with these kinds of disorders land on their feet. I suppose they are much more resourceful than they make themselves out to be. My sister is very smart, and very capable when she needs to be. Your post has helped me to not see her as the victim she so often portrays herself to be. 

Thanks again!

[LemonLime]

I think a lot of PD's, perhaps particularly BPD's, find a new girlfriend/boyfriend when they need someone to leach off of.

[notrightinthehead]

....And I feel so very, very heartless if I just let her deal with the consequences because they are so awful and sad....

you could try to see it this way: You are giving your sister the opportunity to face the consequences of her own choices - just like a true adult. You are helping her to grow up. It might be a bit late and come as a shock to her but you show her respect by letting her pick up her own pieces. You are treating her as an adult.

[nanotech]

Well you are not heartless because you care. B we ut you mustn't get sucked in.
Her situation is a result of natural consequences - her own choices brought her here.
I had a similar situation with my own sister. She convinced my dad she would become homeless, and my dad put pressure on me to take her in.
'You have a bedroom empty'.

'Well no, dad, that's my daughter's room. She at uni, she hasn't left home.'

Sinister Shades of what had happened to me years  before when I was turned out of my room by same said sister, who returned to the FOO home with her baby, after leaving her husband.

'Oh well, you are going to uni soon anyway. She needs the room more than you.'

Ok.

But she wasn't going to repeat history by invading my home 40 years later and turning my daughter out of her room.
OMDB.
Plus, I couldn't live with her! She's an undiagnosed BPD/ Histrionic narcissist!
I'm almost no contact with her these days.

A couple years later, BPD sis settled into a flat and on benefits, then gives me  pressure to talk my dad into taking in younger
(enabling)sis who, she told me, was having severe marriage problems. This was older BPd sis now, putting the pressure on me.
She gaslighted away about younger sister's plight. She used button -pushing by talking about her 'safety and well-being'.

I told her I was keeping out of it. I said for her to speak to dad directly. Or ehh couldn't BPD speak to dad directly?
Because they want their way, but with no responsibility for having asked for it.

Guess what? The fight blew over, nothing happened,  and she's still with her husband.

Good job I didn't get involved. She changed her mind, then I would have been scapegoated for 'interfering.'
'

[Deb2]

My dBPDsister always seems to land on her feet.  When her 4th marriage was breaking up,  she fled to a women's shelter crying abuse. She was the abuser.  They helped her get a free lawyer. She got into an apartment for people with mental health issues and the lawyer not only helped with the divorce but helped her get disability benefits. 

My sister always finds people to pity her and help her.  Always. She can switch from waif to witch to queen with who she's with and what she needs.  The ones who helped her 25 years ago are looking gone,  but she has knew helpers. She's 70 now. She won't be changing anytime soon. 

[Liftedfog]

My expdh is homeless. He burnd every family and friend bridge. Can't remain employed. He deteriorated when I left.  I used to hurt over this but now I focus on our children. They don't know their dad is homeless because they don't see him. Expdh only has supervised access but has refused them since 2014.  We have zero contact which helps me to heal from the hell he put me through. Not all pds land on their feet.

[Ciaoehila]

Thanks for this post. I am sorry that your ex is in fact homeless, but sadly a lot of PD's do become homeless. I am terrified that my brother will soon see this fate. I hope not, but it seems likely. It's the most crap situation! I feel so much pressure as the older sister (who use to play the mother role) to "help" him be ok. I am no longer playing the "rescuer" or entertaining codependent behavior(s) but the guilt is real, and heavy. I KNOW I am powerless to help him, but figuring out my role is complicated. I feel a great responsibility to try to help where/how I can. He usually makes this hard b/c in the throws of his illness he is paranoid, angry, afraid, and selfish as hell. What is obviously delusional to me, feels very real to him. My brother has not been a predator his entire life but it seems that there are now more scenarios that harm others b/c of his illness. I know what has happened to him to become this way. We had an INCREDIBLY abusive childhood. It is so hard to just be angry at him b/c I know full well that he didn't choose this. He didn't. What I was able to face and overcome, he was not. He was destroyed by it. I don't know what to do a lot of days. He's not "my responsibility " but he is my brother and a human being. I wish he could be ok.

[Liftedfog]

You mentioned your sister has a husband.  I think she should be his problem.