new development: non-PD sister angrier than ever at me

[lindentree]

Please help me know how to proceed with nonPD sister who's behavior/feelings towards me took a drastic shift in relation to our NBPDmom.

Been OTF for almost 8 years. I'm LC with and 8 hours away from NBPDmom and sister. I've always had a good relationship with my sister who's only a year younger although as adults now our politics/worldview are very different (not a problem for me but the elephant in the room).

I'm back in the forum because I got an unhinged message from her that shocked me as it was so out of the norm. She usually plays the "middle man" role although lately I don't bring up our Nmom with her as she's able to have more contact with our mother, depends on her for some childcare, and lives locally to her. Clearly the golden child since I came Out of the FOG (although she does recognize Nmom has PD).

Over the last couple of months I made the mistake of contacting my mom more, letting her know details about my life (my business, kids) and stupidly said "hey we're going to go to [her hometown 10 hours away] next year, maybe you and [sister] can come up at the same time we'll be there.

My Nmom went crazy with this proposition and unbeknownst to me went researching places for us to rent together (my family and I are NOT interested in vacationing in the same house as them because #boundaries), sends me a detailed message about all these rentals she researched, of course talking about money and bringing up how they've paid for a big house for all our families in the past.

I simply wrote back thanks but I think we're going to stay with [her estranged ex-family members] but that yes, the time of year she suggested would work with us. She wrote back (paraphrasing) "Are you kidding? This was your idea...very hurtful...I am crying, Go stay at [relative's house]. I do not understand why I tried to make plans...you reject me. This is not being a [my religious identity]." Emotional and spiritual abuse, right?

Much to my surprise, by nonPD sis (but married to a possible N) unloaded on me, said (paraphrasing) "M was excited about us staying together...she put in effort...I was hurt by you...it was unkind...seemed callous...oblivious...not caring...I felt rejected...you are playing games with M to get what you want and hurt her..."

This is completely out of character. I don't know what to do. I'm just praying about what action to take and grieving but so scared because I now see how PD can rip a family apart. I don't want to stoop to this level by replying to either of them. So I'm just NC right now. I feel like she is resentful towards me but I don't know why.

Please weigh in and thanks in advance.

[notrightinthehead]

Yep. That's what we know. Confusion through excessive drama and you ask yourself - what have I done to cause this?

Normal people would not understand "hey we're going to go to [her hometown 10 hours away] next year, maybe you and [sister] can come up at the same time we'll be there. as an invitation to book a holiday home together with you. They might ask you if you want to share a house. And be a little bit disappointed if you decline.

But there you are. What do you want to do? Do you still want to meet up? You could let them know when and where and for how long it suits you. Once they have calmed down. Just remember - you are not responsible for how other people think or feel.  You have no control over that.

[Jane Doe]

Gosh, they are all alike aren't they!

I'm sorry things got twisted around on you.  You didn't do anything wrong but it appears that the PD person did a bait & Switch on you to make it appear it's your fault.  My N mother always makes it someone's fault but never hers.

If I were in your shoes I'd stay away from all of them, not sure if that is good advice or not I'm still new at this but it's what I usually do with mean ppl, I run and hide! 🫣

[sunshine702]

The grandiose big vacation house fantasy.

My Narc mom did that.  There was a Narc injury (golden grandchild who was a toddler could not come to the cliff side (literally) one hour wedding vows ceremony.  It was just too dangerous. Adults only.  Everyone else was welcome at the reception! 

Well Narc mom took that slight and tried to plan a "family reunion/ FAMILY reunion at this vacation cabin just after.  My husband and I (FAMILY) were not invited lol.

Narcs RUIN all trips with their games.

Uhug yuck.  Yours sounds like the usual triangulated mess.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Oh boy. It might be worthwhile to set the record straight with sis ONE time. You never discussed staying together, that was all coming from her. You knew nothing about whether they were even coming and she's mad you made your own plans? Do I have that right?

Even if you had known they we're going to come, your sister's reaction sounds way OOT. You do want to spend time together, just not share a house. If she's angry because you are friendly with relatives she doesn't get along with, okay, but your relationships are not tied to hers. It seems like a lot of all or nothing thinking going on here.

[DaisyGirl77]

I just finished a memoir where the author lost his entire family because of the steady drip drip drip of poison in their ears from people who hated his wife & blamed her for being the catalyst in the family system's failure.  (She wasn't.)  So I'm going to say that you've removed yourself from the picture.  She's fallen for that drip-fed poison.  I'm really sorry.  You can send a neutral text saying the plan was always to stay with those relatives & you're very puzzled over the unwarranted attack as others have suggested, but I'd honestly say goodbye to her in my mind & grieve that loss, too, if I were in your shoes.

Maybe someday she'll come to her senses.

[moglow]

When some people spin up a story our of air and moonbeams, not only do they believe it themselves but somehow have the ability to make it really believable to others as well. Mountain, molehill. Is mom bored and there's not been enough drama for her in a while??

All you can honestly do is take the emotion out of it with something like, Sis. I never suggested that to mother. I *would not* have said that to her, mainly because we were already tentatively making plans elsewhere. I just told her we were traveling to xyz next year and suggested we get together at some point while we're there. At no point was it even suggested "oh please run out and rent us a place so we can all stay together!" She ran full throttle in her own mind and tried to make plans for us that were never discussed.

Then change the subject and carry on. You can't fix this for mom and while I'm sorry sis is getting an earful, she can't fix it either.

[square]

"Hey, sis - I was really surprised by your message. I was hoping to see you and Mom at ___. As far as I can tell, Mom had wanted me to cancel the plans Husband and I were making and do something else. I just let her lnow we were going to stick to our original idea, it wasn't a big deal. I do hope to see you guys if it works out, though!"

Note that I assume it will not, in fact, work out - but this sidesteps you being the bad guy and cancelling.

[treesgrowslowly]

Here's my take. Your sister is playing the role of flying monkey. My guess is that your mom upset her, and so now she's passing the misery along - by sending you a message that throws you for a loop!

You identified her as playing the 'middle man' role in the past - which means she has tried to solve unsolvable problems. Her parent has an PD, which is an unsolvable problem. No amount of 'middle man' peacemaking or 'go between' strategies will fix your mom's PD. Their PD persists, no matter what. Anyone who plays the middle man in these families, is trying to fix the PD, and rug sweep. We can't fix a parent's PD. I can't, you can't, your sister can't.

Because your sister has taken on an impossible task, this puts her into a stressed state, and she probably doesn't even see it. In her mind, she's just trying to do what she can to manage the family dynamics. So when she's stressed out, she does odd things, like sends you unhinged messages. In a very clouded way, she wants you to rescue her from the unhinged stuff she endures by being in contact with your PD mom.

I say "playing the role of the FM" because she would probably not behave like this if you took her out of this context, and gave her non-disordered parents to relate to. The fact that you see her as a non-PD, tells me that she does function in a healthy manner, when she's not being manipulated by her PD parent. I can relate. You put me around a disordered parent with a PD, and my behaviour may not be the same as if you put me in a room with healthy people.

I saw this in my FOO. Those 'otherwise healthy' nons who get pulled in / sucked in / pulled down by the PD parent / grandparent. I believe it is one of the facets of PD families that we don't see coming - that the nons are going to be FM's because they don't know how to disentangle from their PD parent. Your sister is enmeshed with your mom - seems sorta obvious given that she allowed herself to get used like this, regarding your moms dramatic over-reaction. If your sister was working on herself, one thing she'd do is identify the ways that her mom uses her.

You're seeing it clearly - this is how a person with a PD can pull an entire family system apart. I've never experienced a happy family vacation, because my entire FOO is infected with PD abuse. Those happy family vacations are not possible for us. We miss out on the normal things that families are supposed to be able to do.

One of the sad features of these families is that the FM is resentful of the siblings / relatives who go NC, because we are doing something they don't want to do. They are enmeshed with their abuser and we are not as enmeshed as they are. This resentment is buried deep under their denial. I have not had any success getting any of my FOO members out of denial.

The fantasy is that if lindentree agrees to the big family vacation - all will be well. All will be normal, all will be fixed. But you know that's not true and you're not falling for it. Which the FM's do not know what to do with. They really don't. They have no idea what is really going on, and how to zoom out and see the PD for what it is. In their mind, they think that lindentree is the problem.

I could be off base, but a lot of these dynamics are the same in our PD infested FOO's. Also, if your sister is reliant on her mom for childcare, she's not going to get disentangled anytime soon. I've seen that happen over and over. I am sorry to say. Once you need narc-grandma for childcare, you'll put up with all sorts of drama. She could be resentful that you are not in the situation she's in. That you are not reliant on narc-grandma for childcare.

Trees

[walking on broken glass]

 

[xredshoesx]

THIS is exactly why DH and I talked vacation and I opted out of the great American road trip to see my dad.  over the years I have been Out of the FOG I have gotten progressively angrier at my father for how things were handled when I was a kid but don't want to involve my two younger sisters in the equation in any way because they had a different childhood then me and only one kind of seems to understand that our dad was an issue too, with both my uPD mother and their mom-

fwiw I think the one text option is not a bad idea to at least settle things from your end.