Married to a Religious Narcissist

[tragedy or hope]

Let this be a sound warning from personal experience. 50 years with a unpdh.

It will not change if you do nothing. If you do not expose this person on a spiritual level about what they are doing and saying to you at home, count on misery until the day one of you dies.

Yes, they can be kind, fun, caring etc. but the end of it all is THEM not you. You will be manipulated into feeling you are not a good caring spouse and not fulfilling the expected religious tenets that may be keeping you bound to said person.

I am two months out from my unpdh's death. As I reflect, something was/is wrong with me. i was too ashamed to give details to anyone and thought "love covers a transgression," Problem was, I misunderstood that scripture. Only Christ can cover a transgression and only He should. Transgressions against your soul or your person should be addressed, You are not being obedient or spiritual to cover up any disturbing behaviors.

You must use caution and share with someone you know you can trust. Share with someone who will believe you and help you take action. unpd's don't go away. you will find yourself drawn back somehow.

After his death, I have had to tolerate, a very personal letter sent to me by a young woman who had not seen or spoken to said unpdh, for at least 8 years. He was her bible teacher. her letter to me upon his death read like a heartsick teens breakup letter. He was her hero.

This week, I got a card from the local library. The board and staff are donating stuff to the library in his honor... he never checked out a book! He was "leading" a bible study and spoke to these women every week for a few minutes. Their charm is not comparable to anyone.

Yesterday, someone texted me a sermon from a man who idolized my said unpdh. They were in a particular ministry together. He used a photo and a few anecdotes about said unpdh to express his biblical point in his sermon, about how wonderful unpdh was. His daughters were also in the same bible class as the other lovestruck girl with unpdh and spoke so much about him their mother had to meet him.

He was not that person. He was empty, manipulative, aggressive with me, threatening, emotionally bankrupt, and vacuumed out my soul. He made theft of my original thoughts, he was a flirt and hated my identifying his behavior. He was hostile, love-bombing at times and. slinked around the house as if not to be seen. Oh and much more.

He did not generate conversation with me unless it was going to turn to himself.

I let it all happen. Toward the end I got tougher, but I had spent just about all of my life not believing he couldn't change. Unpdh was around 5-7 years old emotionally if that mature. I tried to have an adult relationship,

I spent many of those 50 years with therapists, 12 step groups, self-help books but I could not get out due to my commitment to my understanding of scripture, and my fear of what would develop for me if I left.

Now I see I spent a lifetime ignoring my own needs and letting someone crush my soul on a regular basis,

You don't have to divorce, but removing yourself from his purview, and knowing there is no hope is probably the most generous thing you can do for your own soul. Children are also important. This kept me tied to a person who could not love me.

If nothing else, stop hiding, making excuses, expecting change or catering to an empty soul.

I urge you to take care of yourself and your children the best you can, and do not make it easy for any unpdh to hurt you ever again. I can't believe the amount of hardship I endured due to pride, neediness and forgiveness. What isn't repented of by a religious unpdh is still a part of their being. Narcissism is almost unrepentable. Stop waiting for better. YOU make it better for you.

My best to those of you in the same pair of shoes... they are ill-fitting and get you nowhere, limp out if you have to... just find a way out.

[moglow]

That breaks my heart for you. I'm a child of but have heard much of the same about my mother all my life - how I owe it to her "she's the only mother you'll ever have," honor thy mother etc. No recognition that she's not the person they see, never has been.

She's a shell, a facade. The real person underneath, like your husband, is just unimaginably cruel. And it's intentional. Like your husb, I've seen her flip it on and off, thinking I've lost my mind.

Peace to you, tragedy or hope. :Hug:

[SonofThunder]

Tragedy or Hope,

Im so sorry you are experiencing these things now coming out regarding your late husband.  My prayers for you for continued steady healing, releasing and comfort. Thank you for continuing to share your experiences with the rest of us.

SoT

[moglow]

Sometimes all we can do is accept their condolences politely and move on. They don't know at all the person you did.

[square]

Yeah. But I can see how disorienting it is, and also how hurtful to hear he gave (granted, a false mask) the best of himself, little as that was, to people he thought he could emotionally profit from, at the expense of T/H in so many ways. He vampired off of her to seek further gain elsewhere.

And when she is trying to get some peace and perspective, she gets these odd pieces of input from all directions, and there is this quiet implication of how she is expected to feel, which is all the more infuriating.

I don't think for a second these people have the slightest bad intentions, they were suckered in. Doesn't change the effect on T/H.

Because what can she do but smile and bear it? It's like posthumous gaslighting. Yes, he was a wonderful man, thank you for your sympathy. Anything else makes T/H look crazy or horrible. The last thing she needs right now is having to comform her thoughts snd emotions to this bizarre world he constructed and caught other people up in. To have to falsify her face once again.

Sorry, T/H.

[tragedy or hope]

Thank you all for your kind encouragements. I am still writing here because i believe there may be others who are seeming in quicksand, confused about getting some distance from the  one who is causing them so much pain.
We don't know what we don't know. If I had not availed myself to all of you, I would be so stuck right now. I would not have started my grieving long before he left this earth. It makes it alot different for me now.

The one thing that astounds me is the God himself did the distancing and I do not feel abandoned at all. if unpdh were here and I were in the discard stage, I would be very anxious. Hence, ask God for His perfect peace should you decide to get away. I believe He will meet you at every turn. You are never alone as a child of God.

Square, you hit the nail on the head. This is what I have been doing. A simple thank you.  Sheneen Magji on You Tube has been a great source for spiritual understanding for me. I particularly like her video "How to Break the Ungodly Soul Tie with a Narcissist." It has refreshed my soul.
https://youtu.be/Y9YKIL3j3Ck

Blessings to you all; my mysterious and important friends.

[SonofThunder]

Tragedy or Hope,

What valued insights you are sharing from your lifetime of marriage to, and recent hardship of loss of your husband.  Thank you for sharing wisdom with us, from all of these experiences. 

Prayers for growing comfort, healing and the continued unfolding for you. 

SoT

[moglow]

Square nailed it - and honestly, who among us wasn't suckered in, refused to see what was in front of us for years/decades? We sucked it up, accepted excuses, gritted our teeth and prayed some more.

All those well meaning people *think* they knew him, T/H. They knew what he allowed them to see, and never saw the other side. Maybe possibly they had a glimpse here or there and brushed it off to an off moment or a bad day. They had no idea what you survived.

Blessings and peace to you.

[bloomie]

tragedy or hope - such powerful, hard won truths you are sharing about the reality of living for decades in close intimate relationship with a religious narcissist. I thank you. You have helped me, and many others, as you have illuminated and validated so many of my own experiences within the context of marriage and relationship over such a span of life seasons.

Praying that every low place will become pools of blessing and that nothing will block your view of Jesus through it all.

[Mary]

You give me much to think and pray about Tragedy or Hope.
Mary

[tragedy or hope]

I had a little epiphany this evening. Though it really isn't about me.

The way I suffered with my unpdh, always giving sincere love, longing for it to be received...

Jesus wants people to receive His love, and no matter what He has done for them or how many times he demonstrates it in their daily lives, no matter His willingness to forgive; how many times He pursues... some will keep saying NO to the most precious gift they could ever recieve.

I feel my unpdh could have been the happiest man alive had he been able to receive the love i was willing and tried to give him. He worked at destroying it, and me at every turn. But, I am still here.

Some people will always be too proud to receive the humbling gift of love. Their loss.

[SonofThunder]

I had a little epiphany this evening. Though it really isn't about me.

The way I suffered with my unpdh, always giving sincere love, longing for it to be received...

Jesus wants people to receive His love, and no matter what He has done for them or how many times he demonstrates it in their daily lives, no matter His willingness to forgive; how many times He pursues... some will keep saying NO to the most precious gift they could ever recieve.

I feel my unpdh could have been the happiest man alive had he been able to receive the love i was willing and tried to give him. He worked at destroying it, and me at every turn. But, I am still here.

Some people will always be too proud to receive the humbling gift of love. Their loss.

ToH,

100% agree with these insights of yours through your experiences.  Thank you for sharing.

SoT

[1footouttadefog]

I can relate to so much of that letter.  My odh operates as more of a covert but plays so many of the same games your H did

He had an Uncle who was a more grandious religious narc.  The funeral of the narcs wife was amazing.  So many testimonials about people being ministered to by then as a couple, he soaked it all up. 

She was an angel he was an actor. 

His funeral was not quite as much of a community wide gaslight however. 

My pdh plays the boyish charm for all it's worth.  I still get the oh your so lucky he is such a great guy.

He might be to them, but he does not even know me.  I am a mommy replacement and a maid.

[yarlanzey]

We beat ourselves up for not doing something about the situation earlier, but the pressure from all around to stay IN the situation is immense.

For some it might be the pressure to stay married, or just to be in a long-term relationship. For others it might be to stay in a group of friends, or to be loyal to a particular friend. Even when people witness the abuse they often turn a blind eye to it. I guess those enablers are victims of a sort perhaps, being conditioned that way (or maybe I'm being too charitable).

The trick is to get distance and work on having unconditional self-esteem.

[Worthy of Care]

Thank you so much for what you said. I printed it out, because I believe it will benefit me to read it several times. (If that isn't okay, let me know and I'll shred it.) I am in process of trying to figure out living with uAVPD H. My most recent move has been separate bedrooms. Then I get hooked. . . Your warning is powerful and I am so grateful.

[Adria]

Tragedy or Hope,

I wish you much strength and peace. Although, it is obvious how strong you truly are, and also gracious and lovely. Your words are very true and I'm sure will enlighten others, and save them years of grief.

I've seen this with my first marriage and my narc father and his brothers.  They can put on a show like no other.  Many people, especially at church, think they walk on water while their wives and families are drowning in quick sand. However, don't be so sure that their aren't people who don't see it.  I think sometimes, people see more than we realize. And, many times, they will say nice things for a grieving widow, hoping to soothe her grief, while knowing the antics of your husband.  I've heard it later on from people I thought could never understand, but learned that they had been used and duped as well. They just don't want to say it to us because we are family.

Your graciousness is a virtue.  Please don't beat yourself up for staying. We women, wives, mothers, and caretakers, have many, many reasons for doing what we do.  It's always easy, after the fact, to say should-of, would-of, could-of.  Hind sight is a beautiful thing.  It sounds like you were a good caring, loving wife and mother, and did the best you could in a difficult marriage. It is to your credit that you walked it out, much for the sake of your family, despite your husband's inability to truly appreciate who you are. And for that, and all the other reasons, please don't live in regret. It sounds like you have much to offer and plenty of living to do.

Your husband is the one who truly lost out.  Hugs, Adria

[Hilltop]

Tragedy or Hope, you wrote "Now I see I spent a lifetime ignoring my own needs and letting someone crush my soul on a regular basis".

This has really stood out to me.  Yes being around these people does crush your soul, they empty your soul to fill their own.  Some relationships are hard to walk away from and religious beliefs around divorce make it even harder however your message of finding a way out emotionally for ourselves is spot on.

You wrote so beautifully and your message was very powerful.  Thank you for sharing.  It certainly had an impact on me.  The impact of your NPDDH being so charming with those around him and so different with you and your experience of being in support groups and struggling to survive was heart-breaking and really highlighted to me those narcissistic traits and how they impact a relationship and a person's self esteem.

You say you spent a lifetime however you are still here, your lifetime is not over.  You can now live without that pain.  You had and still have so much love to give.  He never broke you, your love and your faith has given you strength.

I can only imagine how hard it will be to hear all those kind words said about him when you know the other side to him.  They spent a few moments with him and were charmed, you spent many years, decades and saw the real him. 

Thank you for sharing.

[tragedy or hope]

You dear souls. You bring tears and comfort to me. What a wonderful support system you are. I have realized, I HAVE LOVED. I have loved with an open heart.

Thank you for supporting  my choice to stay. N's have such a way of weaving themselves into our heads. I would not have wanted to deal with that and it would have never ended.

In the last couple of days I have discovered my very busy mind, my need to engage him, were about my great anxiety around him. Not so much fear, but discomfort. I had grown out of my "need" for him. In compassion and to relieve my anxiety I spoke.

When I spoke, it was a way of getting rid of the anxiety. In 50+ years, I said everything you could imagine to him, about him and about the relationship. I did not have a name for it until the last couple of years. In most recent years, I told him it was not a real marriage and I would not be able to support him in any of his endeavors to lead others. I kept my convictions.

In hindsight, I see I worked hard to survive someone I was terribly uncomfortable with. I am a much stronger person. I took care of myself in spite of his problem. I gained much wisdom from my faith walk and others who were dealing with alcoholism and drugs. I made friends who were down to earth and would share their lives and stories with me. And they loved me until I could love myself and accept what was real.

I had a blessed time often as he spent a lot of money and time keeping me in his life with vacations, etc. anything I wanted, except an emotionally intimate partner, Maybe twice in all of those years he may have mentioned his limitations. Then again, it was a smooth manipulation.

My God makes no mistakes. In all of my prayers, it never seemed a peaceful decision on my part to leave.

Thank you so much. Your words are like the Balm of Gilead to my heart.
https://www.gotquestions.org/balm-of-Gilead.html

[Adria]

Tragedy or Hope,

I wonder if this video might make you feel somewhat better. It is called "Why You Will Marry The Wrong Person." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-EvvPZFdjyk

[1footouttadefog]

And this is love that a man lays down his life for a friend. 

God asks us to live these children if His, even those who happen to be our spouses. 

Not a sparrow falls unnoticed, and God knows our hearts and that we loved.  Love is a verb BTW not a feeling for the most part.