article on narcissistic parents who discard / replace their own children

[treesgrowslowly]

I like this article because it explains a phenomenon that a non-narcissistic parent would never engage in - the discard and replacing of their child with someone else. A healthy parent would read this article and think, how can they do that? (and they are right, a healthy person can't engage in such behaviours, they have a true loving bond with their own children).

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/women-autism-spectrum-disorder/202109/5-reasons-narcissistic-parents-replace-their-children

Well narcs can. Their narc traits are so wired into how they think and behave - they are not thinking and behaving like 'good' parents. They are capable of bonding to a stranger, and calling that person their new daughter / son.

As a teen it was impossible to really comprehend this behaviour - on the one hand I was treated as indispensable - that this narc parent was so overly reliant and dependent on me, and then on the other hand, I was easily replaceable. It isn't something that a teen can really wrap her mind around. It is such disordered behaviour, and it can be really confusing to see your friends parents act so 'normal' - meanwhile your narc mother is bonding to these strangers and fawning over (love bombing) other people's kids.

I also like that the article lists the specific narc traits that lead them to discard their own children. I like reason #1 "They cannot handle complex relationships". Whoa, that's the truth. Their disorder makes everything complicated - but at the same time, the relationship itself is not textured and complex. Healthy relationships develop over time, between 2 people who can show concern, empathy, etc... Relationships with PD parents are wrought, complicated and confusing, but they are not complex in the way that healthy relationships are. This was very helpful to read.

The tragedy of being raised by narcissists is that those are the people who set the template for what a relationship should feel like. My narc parents made it seem 'normal' to discard and replace people as soon as they didn't do your bidding. For them, it was 'normal'.

Hoping this article helps anyone who is looking for info on why narc parents discard / replace their own children.

Trees

[moglow]

Ouch. That's rather a painful summation of my life, going all the way back as far as I can remember and from others observances. After all those years trying to somehow get it "right," all those concessions to my own well being in favor of her demands. None of it was personal with her, made that much worse because as her child... There should have been "more."

I just don't have words for this.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hey Moglow,

I hear you.

When I realized this about my own uNPDm, it was rough. It was before I found Out of the FOG or any real helpful therapy for what I had experienced. I think that what helped me to get through that particular period, was that I had things I "distracted" myself with. I say "distracted" in quotes because it wasn't a distraction at all, it was just for me, I needed time -  time to let this realization get absorbed... and in the meantime, I needed interests, tv shows , anything that helped me get a break from the deep work of realizing who our parent was and what they did.

It was a terribly painful realization to look back and see that she would try to bond to strangers and dismiss her actual children. I am so sorry you went through this too.

It was a gradual process for me to realize that her brain was just not wired for taking care of me. And that I had survived anyways. Just like you have.

Having this place to belong here and share our experiences has helped me and I hope it has helped you as well. I'm wishing you nothing but some peace and hope today as you work through this part of the healing.

Trees

[moglow]

Thx, Trees. Peace is hard-won at this point. While I have been able to accept that she is who she is and just isn't capable, the thought that I somehow didn't see the extent of it all these years is mind blowing. I/we truly never existed for her and she really is that self involved. All I can imagine is that we had some hard working guardian angels all that time, people who stepped in where she just refused. We survived her, in every sense of the word.

[blacksheep7]

Hello Trees,

Thanks for this great article.  It rings so true.

My covert M. did not get supply from me.  Even though I knew nothing about narcissism, I did know that M wanted to know everything about my life and I did not like it one bit.  For what???
Of course, not to be suprised, she often told me that I was secretive.  Later in life she would ask me about my exs... How should I know where they were and even if I did, I did not give her the pleasure or satisfaction.

I didn't give it to her because she was no comfort or help to me in any way when I went through bad times.  I received no empathy when I had my first heartbreak at 21.  I was just told that there would be «others» and when I cried out that she didn't understand, she slapped me. 
It was a wake up call for me from then on. I knew she wouldn't be there for me, ever.

She found her surrogate daughter, a close family friend, only four years older than myself.    She would call her a friend because they came from the same country and had similar tastes in music and dance.  I didn't.  I was americanized in that matter, born in Canada, american or english music was my choice.

I remember staying at home on saturday nights being broken hearted, my narc parents would always run off to the surrogate daughter and her husband's home.  Who was I anyway, no fun or interest to them.

Their motto was always to have fun on the weekends, without us.  I spent so many saturdays in my teens babysitting my two younger sibs.

I was  too complicated for her.  She just wanted the gossip and the rest was superficial and frivolous.

Our lives were just supply to them.   I'm so happy to not have her in my life any longer.  I'm much happier now.

I'm sorry for all of us.  Yes, we survived.