Surviving Christmas when NC with entire FOO

SeaSalt · December 27, 2021, 05:03:43 AM

Christmas is a sad day when you are in no contact with your FOO. Even if you have your own happy family. At least its my case. It is a day when I can not help myself but think why and how we arrived here.

My NPD mother tried to call (she is blocked but I can see if she tried to call). She did that because everyone is asking her about me. Not for any other better reason. I took time to write down how the conversation would sound if I had taken the call and boy what came out was so clear that there was no doubt that nothing good could come out of that call.

Writing this hypothetical conversation down it made me realise that I do not have anything to tell her anymore. She choose a podophile over her own daughter. What possible can she say to make it ok? Nothing, really nothing at all. The only thing she can do is to push to gaslight me a little bit more. But I am awake now, she can not lie to me anymore. I can not take anymore lies. I can not take any more manipulation. The words are not enough anymore to soften me up. The meaningless words are only more wood on this huge fire. I do not need to pick that phone up. I can hear her word laud and clear. Its all BS. And I am done. Done completely.

Its a blessing actually that she decided to stay with him, with pedo. Its clears away any doubt.
When I imagine the conversation with her what I can not stand more than her words is the tonality of her voice. That voice of superiority. She can not even hide how much she despise me.

The Christmas was sad but the day after I felt like my NC was more solid. Like I added one more layer. Protected myself and my family from her crazy. Now it feels good.

How was Christmas for you? do you have any methods to make it easier?

Boat Babe · December 27, 2021, 06:54:41 AM

Massive hugs and a high five to your courage.

Hepatica · December 27, 2021, 11:43:38 AM

I'm so proud of you SeaSalt.
You are so strong, wise and compassionate to your healing self. Your eyes are open and you know what you need to lead a better, healthy life.

I struggled this year too, with sadness. It is less today, but definitely I have been raking over everything to make sure I'm doing the right thing with no contact. Today I had to write a letter, which I don't intend to send, but it knocks me Out of the FOG that swept in this week.

I feel a lot of loss and it's easy to think that having a family, even a disordered one, can fill up that void, but it won't.

I think you writing down the conversation you would have had is brilliant. I am definitely going to employ that technique in future.

Happy New Year to you and all who reads this. May we all continue to make wise choices to create the peace we need for healing.

SeaSalt · December 27, 2021, 01:31:18 PM

Thank you so much for your beautiful msg Hepatica & your warmth Boat Babe.

The saddest part was the abandonment that I felt from my bio father. He has no PD and he is not an enabler. He is just a person that got very traumatised in his life and never did his healing. My mother divorced him when I was small and since then he was barely present in my life. He did nothing to protect me from my Step father. In the last 10 years we got closer or so I thought. Until now when he found a new wife and she has a daughter that my father adores. I live far away and do not come often at all to where they live because of my NP mother and all the toxicity and bad memories.

Well I am happy that my father found his happiness but he clearly does not want me to be part of it.
In the last 10 years my inner child thought that I finally got a parent but nope.
The worst is that his new wife does not let me upset him with anything since we has issues with his health. So now I have to deal again with my feelings of abandonment from him, once again and can not even complain to him about it.
My soul was ambitious when choosing this reincarnation. My earth school is infinite and does not give me break.

nanotech · December 27, 2021, 06:12:16 PM

Remember that you are a beautiful, unique and precious human being, who deserves love and deserves happiness.
Their appalling behaviour toward you is just horrific and indefensible. They seem to have no capacity to love or to empathise.
Yet they are a just a small handful of humans. The world is a big place, and full of much kinder hearts and empathic souls.
We tend to think our FOO are our whole world. Not at all! We can break free from them, it may feel like we need their love and appreciation, their protection. You needed their protection and they failed to give it. Now, it would at least be something to have their apologies, their approval and their love, but you don't need it. You can learn to live your best life without any of it.
Because we are lovable and valuable as we are, without any validation from our FOO.
I'm sending you much love and empathy, hugs, hugs hugs. It's a big world!

Hilltop · December 28, 2021, 08:06:59 PM

Yes I have thought a lot this Christmas about how I got here and where I am headed. We moved away and so with the distance it has been a blessing and at Christmas a curse as it really made me feel alone.

I am sorry for how your mother has acted, how hurtful. I have definitely fallen back into the FOG this Christmas and I can feel myself start to feel a little better, I have gone out for a swim and walk. I like the New Year as it feels so optimistic for me, like a fresh start and this New Year I feel like I am going into it with more resolve to stop the bad habits with my FOO. I am going to use the distance to move myself emotionally away from the dysfunction.

I'm sorry that you haven't been able to be part of your father's life. It must be really difficult seeing him with his new wife and daughter. There's a lot to process there. You definitely deserve love and happiness. I sometimes feel like I am less than without my FOO's approval and lack of love however they don't define us. You are right in that it isn't easy moving on from that but we can do it, slowly. We can get our lives back and find new ways of loving life. It just takes a little time. We will get there.

treesgrowslowly · December 31, 2021, 11:28:57 AM

Thanks for posting SeaSalt.

Christmas was difficult for me as well this year (again). The focus on family during this holiday was impossible to ignore. The world seems even more than ever, to be grasping at the idea that our FOO is going to make it all ok (understandable given the 2 years we just had).

Those of us with unhealthy parents, parents who have not done their healing work, we are at a loss here. I am relieved when the 25th is behind me. It remains a reminder, of how unsafe my FOO really is / was.

Every day after wards feels like I am able to more easily get into my own peace of mind again, my wise mind, instead of managing the intense assault on the senses that Christmas is where I live (where most of us live, the dominant culture of Santa and turkey-dinner ads on tv).

I hope that I find more peace on the 25th next year. If not, then the year after that.

The intense focus on family during Christmas is going to change some day. People who want FOC will find each other. I believe that. I agree with you - if one has a happy family, great. But many of us do not. It is not the only way to live, but for so many people who live in fear, it is the only way they know how to live. Focused on the habit of being in their FOO. Ignoring those of us who don't have FOO to visit on the 25th because of PD abuse.

It is sad when our own parents are abandoning those they gave birth to. Mine did too. They spend their holidays with the people who enable them. I don't. I can't. If I go back to them, I abandon my need for safety, and then the abandonment continues. The only way out of this mess, is to see my work and honour it. I refuse to engage in the behaviours that are required in a PD relationship. I know you are there too - not taking phone calls because you know there is no safety for you, and you deserve to feel safe.

I try to remind myself that people who are that disordered, are unable to see the pain they cause. They certainly don't take responsibility for it. I cannot heal them, I can only heal myself. I want them to heal, so I can have parents too. It is a deeply felt emotion that most people with safe parents, do not understand how to help us with at all. To them, parents are safe people, to us, they are not.

It feels like each one of us at Out of the FOG is tasked with making our own meaning out of a time of year that the world around us insists is a certain thing. The 25th is this awful time where we are acutely aware of our distance from one another - even though we know there are so many other people who are healing instead of participating in further abuse with PDs, we are not together in the same room, enjoying a nice turkey dinner together. We are all in our own spaces, unable to meet up and exchange gifts and give each other the kindness we all want and need this time of year.

Whether it was ever intended this way or not, I am grateful that New Years is so close after Christmas day because the focus at the New Year is to think about what we hope for the future, which is much more aligned with my work to recover from PD abuse. Christmas is about the past, New Years is about the future. This week I have let myself really feel the relief I feel, that Christmas is behind me for another year.

Trees

chowder · January 01, 2022, 11:01:43 AM

SeaSalt,

Kudos to you for feeling more solid, protecting your family, and for coming out of it stronger.

Without a FOO any longer, and having been NC before they passed, this year I focused on the good that came from memories of extended family members. There was one aunt in particular whom my M tried to recruit for her smear campaign against me, who stood up to M (her sister, she knew her well) and said "No, that's not the Chowder I know, so I'm going to call her up myself and find out firsthand." Of course I felt very validated by this aunt after that phone call and afterwards.

I imagined spending time with this aunt and uncle, and being appreciated for who I am. I rode past the home they used to live in before they passed, and thanked her for everything and for being my only port in the storm.

That is not to say that there weren't hard times through this holiday season - but having a positive diversion made it a little more bearable.

Trees, what a wonderful take on the timing of New Year's being so close after Christmas. So glad all the months-long hoopla is over, and here we are, it's January 1. Hope everyone is breathing just a little easier every day.

Blessings to everyone, and may 2022 bring us all peace.

SeaSalt · January 03, 2022, 05:15:31 AM

Quote from: nanotech on December 27, 2021, 06:12:16 PM
Remember that you are a beautiful, unique and precious human being, who deserves love and deserves happiness.
Their appalling behaviour toward you is just horrific and indefensible. They seem to have no capacity to love or to empathise.
Yet they are a just a small handful of humans. The world is a big place, and full of much kinder hearts and empathic souls.
We tend to think our FOO are our whole world. Not at all! We can break free from them, it may feel like we need their love and appreciation, their protection. You needed their protection and they failed to give it. Now, it would at least be something to have their apologies, their approval and their love, but you don't need it. You can learn to live your best life without any of it.
Because we are lovable and valuable as we are, without any validation from our FOO.
I'm sending you much love and empathy, hugs, hugs hugs. It's a big world!

Such a beautiful Nano message. You are incredible. It will never stop to amaze me how a total strangers can warm my heart more than my entire family in all my life did. Thank you so much. Your text helped me a lot. I wish you very peaceful 2022.

SeaSalt · January 03, 2022, 05:21:16 AM

Quote from: Hilltop on December 28, 2021, 08:06:59 PM
Yes I have thought a lot this Christmas about how I got here and where I am headed. We moved away and so with the distance it has been a blessing and at Christmas a curse as it really made me feel alone.

I am sorry for how your mother has acted, how hurtful. I have definitely fallen back into the FOG this Christmas and I can feel myself start to feel a little better, I have gone out for a swim and walk. I like the New Year as it feels so optimistic for me, like a fresh start and this New Year I feel like I am going into it with more resolve to stop the bad habits with my FOO. I am going to use the distance to move myself emotionally away from the dysfunction.

I'm sorry that you haven't been able to be part of your father's life. It must be really difficult seeing him with his new wife and daughter. There's a lot to process there. You definitely deserve love and happiness. I sometimes feel like I am less than without my FOO's approval and lack of love however they don't define us. You are right in that it isn't easy moving on from that but we can do it, slowly. We can get our lives back and find new ways of loving life. It just takes a little time. We will get there.

Thank you HIltop for taking time to write. I am also very distant physically, many states away and it helps me a lot to stay distant in all ways. This year more than ever I am able to observe myself as well and judge what I am doing well and what not. I see that I need to take a better care of myself. I will make it a new year resolution

Regarding my father, the story is similar to the one i have with my brother. At the end ugly truth is what I prefer rather than a beautiful lie. I guess the lessons never stop even when you are very far from everything. My life has nothing to do with my FOO, I dont even speak the same language in my daily life, have a new last name, never go there. Its as if I have a new identity. It definitely helps me to leave the toxicity behind. And having you all here its the biggest blessing of all. Thank you. Best wishes for your 2022.

SeaSalt · January 03, 2022, 05:31:18 AM

Quote from: treesgrowslowly on December 31, 2021, 11:28:57 AM
Thanks for posting SeaSalt.

Christmas was difficult for me as well this year (again). The focus on family during this holiday was impossible to ignore. The world seems even more than ever, to be grasping at the idea that our FOO is going to make it all ok (understandable given the 2 years we just had).

Those of us with unhealthy parents, parents who have not done their healing work, we are at a loss here. I am relieved when the 25th is behind me. It remains a reminder, of how unsafe my FOO really is / was.

Every day after wards feels like I am able to more easily get into my own peace of mind again, my wise mind, instead of managing the intense assault on the senses that Christmas is where I live (where most of us live, the dominant culture of Santa and turkey-dinner ads on tv).

I hope that I find more peace on the 25th next year. If not, then the year after that.

The intense focus on family during Christmas is going to change some day. People who want FOC will find each other. I believe that. I agree with you - if one has a happy family, great. But many of us do not. It is not the only way to live, but for so many people who live in fear, it is the only way they know how to live. Focused on the habit of being in their FOO. Ignoring those of us who don't have FOO to visit on the 25th because of PD abuse.

It is sad when our own parents are abandoning those they gave birth to. Mine did too. They spend their holidays with the people who enable them. I don't. I can't. If I go back to them, I abandon my need for safety, and then the abandonment continues. The only way out of this mess, is to see my work and honour it. I refuse to engage in the behaviours that are required in a PD relationship. I know you are there too - not taking phone calls because you know there is no safety for you, and you deserve to feel safe.

I try to remind myself that people who are that disordered, are unable to see the pain they cause. They certainly don't take responsibility for it. I cannot heal them, I can only heal myself. I want them to heal, so I can have parents too. It is a deeply felt emotion that most people with safe parents, do not understand how to help us with at all. To them, parents are safe people, to us, they are not.

It feels like each one of us at Out of the FOG is tasked with making our own meaning out of a time of year that the world around us insists is a certain thing. The 25th is this awful time where we are acutely aware of our distance from one another - even though we know there are so many other people who are healing instead of participating in further abuse with PDs, we are not together in the same room, enjoying a nice turkey dinner together. We are all in our own spaces, unable to meet up and exchange gifts and give each other the kindness we all want and need this time of year.

Whether it was ever intended this way or not, I am grateful that New Years is so close after Christmas day because the focus at the New Year is to think about what we hope for the future, which is much more aligned with my work to recover from PD abuse. Christmas is about the past, New Years is about the future. This week I have let myself really feel the relief I feel, that Christmas is behind me for another year.

Trees

Dear Trees, I can relate with every word you wrote. I realized this year that my FOC and myself we intentionally avoid all the holidays exaggerations. We make it as quiet as possible I guess because its the opposite than what our toxic FOO were doing. In my FOO, holidays were always the peak of toxicity. So doing the opposite now that I have a choice, feels very healing.
I struggle as well with the fact that I am parentless. I am working on acceptance of it. I say to myself that its possible to move on and learn to live without anything. People live without parts of their body, I can also live without this important emotional support. I dont know yet how but I am getting there. We are getting there. To me it sounds like you are doing great. Keep the good work and make your 2022 fantastic.

nanotech · January 08, 2022, 07:31:24 PM

Quote from: SeaSalt on January 03, 2022, 05:15:31 AM
Quote from: nanotech on December 27, 2021, 06:12:16 PM
Remember that you are a beautiful, unique and precious human being, who deserves love and deserves happiness.
Their appalling behaviour toward you is just horrific and indefensible. They seem to have no capacity to love or to empathise.
Yet they are a just a small handful of humans. The world is a big place, and full of much kinder hearts and empathic souls.
We tend to think our FOO are our whole world. Not at all! We can break free from them, it may feel like we need their love and appreciation, their protection. You needed their protection and they failed to give it. Now, it would at least be something to have their apologies, their approval and their love, but you don't need it. You can learn to live your best life without any of it.
Because we are lovable and valuable as we are, without any validation from our FOO.
I'm sending you much love and empathy, hugs, hugs hugs. It's a big world!

Such a beautiful Nano message. You are incredible. It will never stop to amaze me how a total strangers can warm my heart more than my entire family in all my life did. Thank you so much. Your text helped me a lot. I wish you very peaceful 2022.

Thank you so much Sea Salt for your kind words. Take care of yourself, and have an amazing New Year! Xxxxxxxxx

mary_poppins · January 12, 2022, 05:52:25 PM

SeaSalt, I know what you mean. When I was NC, Xmas was hard and, although I didn't contemplate calling NM during that time, I felt very alone and jealous of others with families. Actually, the jealousy was the reason I had to resume contact which I, unfortunately, struggle with now.
It's good that you took time to write down what she'd tell you. Nothing good could have come out of that conversation. Also, choosing a pedo over you...so sorry. She sounds like a typical covert, neglectful narcissist with little to no empathy. Good for you for staying NC even when it's hard to do so.

How I spent Xmas: I took a long walk outside, took photos, breathed some fresh air, watched people and that's it. Nothing special.