How to Help BPD Boyfriend Find Trust in Me

[DesertWithNoName]

From the beginning of our relationship, I have always been very honest with him. He, of course, withheld a lot but he had warned me of his condition and made a vow to seek help. He hasn't been able to this far but he has in time been more and more forthcoming and willing to talk things out.

I told him about my friends and how close I am to them all and when he asked if I had slept with any of them I told him of the one guy friend I had. I explained the circumstances and that it was a one-off and that he was my main confidant. The person I turn to the most when I'm contemplating a decision.

He became very upset even with this being the beginning of our relationship and began to twist it into a perversion. I couldn't fathom letting go of my friendship with the one person I went to for advice on almost everything and I told my boyfriend I would continue talking to him. But my boyfriend began to get agitated whenever my phone went off and would accuse me of having an affair not just with the friend but with coworkers as well. So I gradually stopped talking to my friend, and then to any of my male friends, then all of my friends all together. It seemed to help for a small while but he began to push me away and I reached out once again to my friend for advice.

For context, my friend is married to a spouse with Bipolar Disorder and they have both been working on finding her triggers and helping her cope the last we spoke. So I called to check-in and ask what was working for them and what wasn't.

Then last night, my boyfriend asked if I had reached out to him and I said yes. I explained why but he was unreachable. He began to shout that our relationship was over and that he had suspected that I was being unfaithful along. He then said that I was the last good thing in his life and now that he knows I'm capable of betrayal that he doesn't want to be near me or live in general. I want to help him see that I love him and that this insecurity he feels is unwarranted. That he has my love and my care and this is his disease not him.

I need to know how to be able to break this fantasy of me committing infidelity and help him see my devotion to him.

I apologized and admitted that I should have thought it through and not called the friend. I offered up different scenarios in which I have forgiven him and how I did it but he just felt like those were reasons for me to cheat. I told him that I understood his anger and his want for distance but he doesn't seem to hear me.

What would you try to reach him and make amends?

[1footouttadefog]

All I see in your story are red flags.

I have read stories her for many years.  Most of the ones where a male partner is jealous of past lovers and insists on knowing partner's sexual past while withholding various details of their own past and also isolating the partner from friends while being anxious and jealous become violent over time

There are many dangerous dynamics here.  None of the stories end with happiness.  Instead they dissolve into the partner giving more and more until a dangerous situation has to be escaped.  Also all this after learning the abuser was cheating and projecting the whole time.

Be careful.

[StayWithMe]

I need to know how to be able to break this fantasy of me committing infidelity and help him see my devotion to him.

Usually, fantasies are pleasureable.  Perhaps he likes being cuckold; he needs an enemy.  Anger can be very energizing.

As much as I would like to be sympathetic to someone's mental conditions and unfortunate past, I refuse to sacrifice my life to their shortcomings. 

[Whiteheron]

Paranoia is one of the traits my stbx has. He also isolated me from family and friends. Anytime a male spoke to me, he would become jealous and accuse me of "acting suspicious" (he would never come right out and accuse me of cheating).

He became so bad, that when I took the kids' laundry upstairs to fold, he accused me of sneaking around and acting strange. I was sick and asked him to go to the farmers market for me to pick up a specific item from a specific booth. Turns out the person at the booth was a young male. stbx came home declaring he was going to be the one who went to the farmers market from now on, and made some comments about the young male at the booth. I had no idea who he was talking about - they staff local college kids who need summer jobs. I'm old enough to be their mother, yet he assumed I had a thing going on with one (or more) of them.

He's become so much worse with age. There is no convincing a PD that you're trustworthy. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with what's going on in their heads.

[PeanutButter]

I spent 13 years with my unpdxH. It started in the very beginning of the relationship. Even if he was present for a short harmless platonic conversation that I had with a male freind he went balistic accussing me of cheating. One time in the early part of our relationship he broke up with me because a guy a little older than us (highschool) 'waved at me'.
It got worse not better. I tried to show, tell, and convince him that I was loyal, and I loved him. I believed eventually he would have to see it and then we would be good. I WAS WRONG!
I had trouble leaving him permanently because he always came back to me begging forgiveness; a changed man. Ha!
I finally did leave and not let him back though. I should have done it sooner. MUCH sooner! I found out HE was the one cheating thoughout the whole relationship, from the very beginning. THAT is why he was accusing me. It was projection. I did not have any idea at the time though. He kept me so distracted from what he was doing by always being jealous and suspicious of me. He was so controlling. I gave up all of my friends also.
I hope you have a different outcome.

[theonetoblame]

I believe men and women with PD present differently in relationships. I only wish I had seen the signs earlier in one of my historical relationships and left. But, I had my own stuff going on, my self esteem wasn't what might have been without my family background, and I tolerated her behavior for too long.

I can still see the images of her hair pointing out in every direction, screaming at me throwing things as she charged across the room to hit me in the face. I was stronger than her though and for some stupid reason had a belief system that men couldn't be physically abused.... as I dodged the boot that flew at me and dented the wall behind where my head was a second ago... sigh.

I concur with the comments of others, people with PD don't change. I tried, for 4 years, only for it to get worse and worse. The eardrum she ruptured slapping me still causes me problems decades later.

I only wish I had the self esteem and strength to believe I deserved a healthy, loving relationship at the time. I would have walked away at the first instance of her ridiculous, violent and destructive behavior.

[capybara]

Red flags to me:

* he hasn't been able to seek help
* isolating you from all your friends
* he does not see the truth; his "truth" is what his emotions are telling him
* unreasonable anger
* only you are apologizing and trying to make amends

It sounds like it is all about his emotions and your behaviour.

What about your emotions? And what about his behaviour? Do either of those get serious attention in your relationship?

As you think about what you want, I highly recommend reading further on this website, as well as "Should I Stay or Should I Go", by Jac Patrissi and Lundy Bancroft.