he wants to come to work with me

[losingmyself]

My job gets very busy around christmas, and I need help. My UPDH came in and helped me a couple times, on Saturdays and Sundays. I did appreciate his help.  My DD is supposed to work here with me, but she doesn't come in very often for one reason or another. Here's the problem. Last week, H just left work at 10:30 am and showed up to help me. For the rest of the day. His reasoning is that we have to work extra hours to pay my boss back for paying me while I was at Mayo for 6 weeks. This is how I feel about it. Uncomfortable, because he isn't employed here, and everyone is wondering what he's doing here, but no one asks. Also, I'm not that far behind anymore, I'm really ok, and I have things for DD to do if she can make it in.  Most importantly, he leaves the job he's getting paid for to come here. We cannot afford that. If my boss knew that we were putting ourselves in financial straights to pay him back, he would not be happy.
Yesterday H wanted to come in, and I got him to stay at work, but it's been a constant barrage of "you don't want me there." "your boyfriend must be there today." and more, but frankly, I just tune him out. He goes between guilt bombing and anger.  I don't know what to do.  I'm kind of in this funk where I am feeling terrible about myself and my past, and my kids and what I did to them and just plain depressed, and I really really don't need this. The thing is, when I'm at work, I'm in my own little world, all alone with the radio and my work. It's good for me, an escape, kind of.
Any pointers? I practice MC but I'm just in a state right now . Everything hurts my heart.

[NumbLotus]

What would happen if you just told him straight up, "We can't afford for you to miss work. I appreciate your help but I'm well caught up, and we'll be up a creek if you don't get your hours."

Alternative is, if he's more BPD than NPD, I  hate fawning but you could soothe him with your appreciation and reassure him it's not that you don't want him there, you're just so worried about making ends meet with the missed hours. Ughhhh.

But it does seem to be an issue worth having the stupid upset conversation over.

[1footouttadefog]

In some way he is getting abhugebamount of narcissistic supply by being at your job site. 

Like he feels invalidated by someone born that he is impressing isomerase, ornhasbancrush on someone. 

The fact he accuses you is most likely a  projection of his own motives or a misdirect.

[losingmyself]

I have told him that the reason I want him to stay at work is because he gets paid there, and we can't afford for his check to be smaller. Many times. Also, I fawned on him about how much he helped me and how much I appreciate it.
Feelings are facts. I'm sure he gets narc supply from coming here, saving me. Plus then he can monitor my slutty and flirty behavior. We're like a family here. Brothers and sisters. It would be so weird if I acted the way he accuses me.
He just wants something to be mad about, and this is the thing this week. I just don't have it in me to deal with him. I am hurting in my heart so much right now. It's like his words are sandpaper.
Also, he's usually in control, so me telling him he can't do something he wants just pisses him off. I wouldn't be surprised if he manufactures something else if this well runs dry.

[Poison Ivy]

Is there any way you could bring your boss in on this and ask the boss to decree that your husband can't work with you? 

[GettingOOTF]

but it's been a constant barrage of "you don't want me there." "your boyfriend must be there today." and more

This is not him wanting to help. This is him wanting to control you.  Of course you feel depressed. You are in a depressing situation. I’m sorry you are being subjected to this behavior.

My advice to women in these situations is to read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft and to contact a domestic violence helpline for advice and resources.

You go to work because your family needs the income. It’s completely unreasonable for your husband to accuse you of cheating because you won’t let him follow you to work. These accusations are a flag that should be noted.  You don’t need to justify not needing him to babysit you at your job.

You are not your past. Many of us have challenging pasts and did things we aren’t proud of. I know I mad choices in the past that I wouldn’t make today, and I’m sure I’m making choices now that future me will look back on and regret. All that means is that you are strong and should be even prouder of where you are now. You are a survivor.

[losingmyself]

I understand, GettingOOTF. But my choices hurt my kids and changed them, not for the better. I think of the happy confident people they could have been if I had had the strength to kick out the man who bullied and belittled them. All I had to do was tell him to get out. And I didn't. I cowarded and tried to smooth things over. There really is no one in the world that I hate more than myself. And this person doesn't deserve to be strong, or ok, even. This is what goes through my head, like it's a fact. I will do my best for my kids, whatever I can. I will get up in the morning and go to work, and do what I always do for as long as I can. But that voice that tells me how bad I suck will always be there, and my answer to that will always be "yeah, I know."  I even have guilt about my cancer treatments, which are working, by the way, almost all gone, but it's very expensive, and I think that those resources could be going to someone who deserves it. Not me. I have nothing to contribute. But..whatever. Just a bad few days inside mt head.....
He hasn't brought up coming to work again, and my boss would probably tell me to tell him. He's not a fan of confrontations,either.
I don't know how I would read that book without him finding it or seeing me reading it
Thanks everyone

[ICantThinkOfAName]

Losingmyself.  I understand the feeling of hating yourself.  You did the best that you could at the time with what you knew.  I did the same thing.  This is not your doing.  Now you know better and you are doing better, that's the best way to forgive yourself.  As far as reading the books... I do audiobooks and use an app on my phone that I delete when I'm done.  I know that "Why does he do that" is on there.  I'm sorry that you are going through this.  Keep reading and listening.

[GettingOOTF]

We do the best we can with what we have at the time. I also used to beat myself up for the poor choices I made. Now I look back and see I really did do my best. We all have something to contribute. Right now I'm going through a really awful time. All I want to do is cry all the time. I wonder what the point of getting up everyday is and what I did to deserve the life I ended up in. But I also know that these are simply feelings and they will pass. Yes thing suck and the choices I have aren't the ones I want but I keep going.

That book is available online via PDF, but if you can't read it a helpline will help you with a lot of the same information. It's not an exaggeration to say that book saved my life.

[losingmyself]

You guys are great.  I really didn't want to hear the same old stuff about how I deserve a good life, and blah blah blah. Maybe one day I'll believe that, but they're just words people say. Well meaning for sure. But to be able to talk to people who know how I feel, that's huge. Just someone to say "hey, I'm here with ya"
I will look into reading that book.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart

[11JB68]

Oh wow. My uocpdh once insisted that I get him a job at my terrible job. Years ago. I really wanted to tell my boss, please interview him but don't hire him! But I was so afraid boss (who may have been npd) would tell him. So Updh got the job. It was a nightmare. And even when he was working there he accused me of having a thing for this boss that I hated.

[SparkStillLit]

Smh I can't imagine having PD SO's at places of work.  Hideous.  Like the other thread where they work from home and you're home. Never a break. And then at work there are (gasp) other people, so all the nonsense around your interactions with them.
Updh always casually throws that one off, too "oh I always thought you had a thing for your boss" wth. My boss was a nice person and we got along like peanut butter and jelly, but that doesn't equate a thing!!!
Now he can't say that, because my boss is even better and we're actually personal friends now, but she's a woman and that's not my cup of tea. So THHHHBBBBBTTT!!!!
That doesn't stop the nonsense over my interactions with all the other inspectors in my department.  Men.
ANYWAY, SORRY, DERAIL, CARRY ON!!!

[losingmyself]

When I first started at my job, my H wanted me to try get get him a job there. He went on and on with the guilt trips, etc until I finally talked to my boss. It was extremely uncomfortable and I strongly disagreed with it, if he wanted a job there, he should have talked to my boss himself! But I did it. Twice. Today I am so embarrassed about this, I feel like apologizing to my boss. Now, if he tries to get me to do that again, I tell him to call in himself.
He still asks me about my boyfriend,  as if one exists.  Today I said "yeah, that's what I need. Two men..." like, you're all just so great.

[GentleSoul]

Groan, these accusations of wanting/having a boyfriend on the side. 

Is so insane, it's like, yeah I already have one absolute nightmare of a toddler in a man size body, of course I want another one.   

I can think of nothing more lovely than having two sick people sucking the life out of me!   

[losingmyself]

Amen!
The goal is to have zero of you. Not more.

[Frankie14]

Groan, these accusations of wanting/having a boyfriend on the side. 

Is so insane, it's like, yeah I already have one absolute nightmare of a toddler in a man size body, of course I want another one.   

I can think of nothing more lovely than having two sick people sucking the life out of me!   

I got accused of having an affair last Friday. And instead of giving H "his supply" of; no I'm not, enter whatever I've said the past 15 years to shut him up and cave to this attention seeking baiting-woe-is-me.

I said, VERY sternly & very calmly, "I'm actually not, but no one would blame me if I did, I said I'm going to be frank here - you are nothing more to me at this point - than an over grown whining attention seeking child."

H said "so you are having an affair. " And I said "I've had enough of your pity party behavior, be quiet."   I said "I'm a grown woman and can do whatever I want. But I'm not actually having an affair."

I said to H you even ask me for money like the kids do. You are a child to me. Not a man. I don't find it attractive. Which is why I don't sleep with you anymore (almost a year). I used to - to keep the peace. Now I don't care about keeping the peace. *I just don't anymore.

I said to H - "your model growing up was a mother that worked full time and catered to her unemployed-alcoholic-whining- victim mode spouse, your dad, but I won't. Enter therapy or don't. But this relationship isn't working for me." 

That's where we stand. I'm glad I said it.

The "boyfriend" thing and "your having an affair" stuff is said so we cater to their ego and say **NO NO we aren't.** And I'm not playing these games anymore.

I'm almost 50 and it's my future and I decide who's in it or not.

Losingmyself- I have said it every single way you could slice it - there is no BF- I just want some alone time- and H never heard me until Friday when I was completely forward, direct, and aggravated. I've tried MC and GR didn't work for me. H kept whining. So. You might have to be really forward - then when your H starts whining "you just don't want me around" rather than medium chill or ignore which I had done for years and did absolutely nothing for me you have to say "I've had enough of your pity party now be quiet."

I find that when they act like children. I'm going to be stern like Mother.

I also don't really care about continuing this marriage at this point - I'm not sure it's salvageable. So. I'm saying whatever I want as nothing else has ever worked. Me staying quiet. Me allowing. Me keeping the peace. Me gray rock. Me ignoring. Me paying all the bills while H whines he can't find a job ...

Nothing has ever worked ... so be free to speak your mind. That's my 2 cents anyway.

[GentleSoul]

Amen!
The goal is to have zero of you. Not more.

The only "boyfriend" I have takes batteries and doesn't speak. Also has an off switch!!  LOL!  Perfect. 

[losingmyself]

Frances29 WOW! That is what runs through my head, in one way or another, I wish I had the balls to say it. I have gotten better. I think next time he says it, I will just say that there's no sense being married, if I'm cheating. I mean why would you?? So, that's it, I guess. I mean I wouldn't stay married to someone who was cheating. "I've had enough of your pity party, now be quiet." I will practice that.
And GentleSoul , well, I can't find an emoji that shows how much I laughed at that! Good one!

[Frankie14]

Frances29 WOW! That is what runs through my head, in one way or another, I wish I had the balls to say it. I have gotten better. I think next time he says it, I will just say that there's no sense being married, if I'm cheating. I mean why would you?? So, that's it, I guess. I mean I wouldn't stay married to someone who was cheating. "I've had enough of your pity party, now be quiet." I will practice that.
And GentleSoul , well, I can't find an emoji that shows how much I laughed at that! Good one!

If you scroll thru any of my posts, you will know how long coming this has been...I have enabled, suggested, offered solace, paid for everything, supported, and still even my going on Mom's night out for my kids school would 'get accused' of 'so who's going to be there?' and "you just don't want Dad around." 

I listened to so much of this over the years, at first I pleaded its just ladies, then I stopped going...then I stopped going ANYWHERE with my friends, because he would pity party and harass me, I couldn't even go to the movies with my neighbors when all the kids were at one of their houses because my H would accuse me of meeting a man at the movies... I MC, then I GR...and It's hard to argue with the sad sack type of man, my H would with head down, say, "guess you just don't want me around." . When hand to God he has come and gone from my house as a bachelor drinking, golfing, guys trips since they day we married; and what I did say Friday was, when have I EVER SAID WHAT ABOUT MOM, can't MOM COME, or No one wants MOM around, I said enough with your PITY PARTY ITS ENOUGH, Be quiet. It was just a last straw of sorts and he's done A LOT (if we see my posts you know)...

I am a fighter by nature; so for him to continue to have run roughshod over me for all these years was something I am not sure how he got me to shut up and enable and caretake - I guess that's FOG (?) - The F in Fear...fear of my embarrassment of being divorced or single again or I don't know...but I no longer care...I want peace...

I can state right here, right now, that I will never MC or GR again.  I am going to battle it all out - all the time - in real time - for every passive aggressive - attention seeking comment he makes - It will be dealt with in real time - if I see moping - it will be called out there will be no ignoring his bad behavior anymore. 

I will go to Mom's night out, I will go to the movies, and if he doesn't like it, he can get the hell out of my house..but me being quiet and GR, and MC...nope.  Didn't work...it was exactly what he wanted, to shut me up, keep me a prisoner, keep himself as my warden...ain't gone happen m'am...its 2020 and if not not now, when....

I won't get into how we used to have security cameras at the house and when he took our younger son to a soccer tournament a year ago, I went to my neighbors house for Chinese take out, b/c her kids and my kids were gone for the night..and H text me while I was at the neighbors and said, "so, where are you,"  I said what, he said I saw on the cameras you drove out of the driveway at 6:30 where are you...I ripped the cameras out the next day...and he said so I saw you come home at 11 from the "neighbors" that's "weird" you've never gone anywhere to have dinner before...and I was like positivity levitating I was so furious; but FOG had me still....

Not anymore...

[GentleSoul]

And GentleSoul , well, I can't find an emoji that shows how much I laughed at that! Good one!

Haha, I am getting my sense of fun and humour back!