And then suddenly a normal night

11JB68 · May 22, 2020, 09:29:59 PM

This is part of what keeps me in the fog.
Tonight we actually had a major family decision to make with lots of moving parts. I may not be great at math, but I'm good at problem solving and multitasking....I do it all day at my job.
Uocpdh had ds doing research and making spread sheets. Then uocpdh analysed the spread sheet, making charts and graphs and of course compulsively sorting data etc. A 'decision' of sorts was arrived at.
It wasn't really good or satisfactory to ds.
I really hesitated to say much after last weekends debacle.
But just couldn't stand by and watch this car wreck.
I went outside to talk to h, respectfully not arguing in front of ds.
Said I want to suggest a brainstorming idea... Not based on any psychoanalytic issue... H said ok yeah. I did. He loved it. We presented it to ds, he still wasn't quite sure. I then presented a different solution.... They both liked it. All agreed. I definitely think it's the most reasonable solution for all of us.
How is it that this went fine.... Yet 5 days ago, a mere question/request for discussion blew up in my face???
I think the answer is that the result is based solely on uocph's arbitrary mood at any given moment. I never know which h I'll get. Reasonable partner h or out of control angry ocpdh....
It's not me.
I can't control or predict his moods/behavior.
Why should I have to be verbally/emotionally abused when the mood strikes him??
So confused.

SparkStillLit · May 22, 2020, 10:41:04 PM

This is so often what bugs me, the moods. You'll get 2 polar opposite responses depending on MOOD. You never know, and he switches moods on a dime. It's like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

PeanutButter · May 22, 2020, 11:20:42 PM

Definately! Its not about us. It isnt personal.
Im glad he had a good mood when this decision needed made.

SeaBreeze · May 23, 2020, 04:47:55 PM

Glad you had a good night and smooth decision making process. I cling to those moments of normalcy like a life raft. Those rare times when uNPDh and I actually put our heads together, we make an awesome team. Which only highlights my wish and wonderment of why we can't be like that ALL the time.

11JB68 · May 23, 2020, 05:50:07 PM

And sadly today back to pd shenanigans

11JB68 · May 28, 2020, 07:13:28 PM

This is what keeps me so confused.
Today something happened that I feared would set him off.
Ds got in a fender bender.
Yet uocpdh handled it very reasonably, calmly, nicely.
Then I wonder if I'm the crazy one.

notrightinthehead · May 29, 2020, 12:51:30 AM

That's why you are still with him. If he was unpleasant all the time, you would have left a long time ago.

SeaBreeze · May 29, 2020, 09:30:07 AM

Hence the crazy making, the constantly being on guard, on edge, imbalanced, as we wonder what next, how will PD react THIS time, followed by abuse amnesia, lowering of expectations, settling for scraps of basic human decency. And so on, and so on.

(Hope DS is okay!!!)

BeautifulCrazy · May 29, 2020, 06:41:16 PM

Boo!! The dreaded "normal" behaviour!!
A few days ago my 10yr old moved the sprinkler uOCPDh had very meticulously placed to water the front lawn.
My sweet little guy wanted his friend 2 doors down to be able to share in the fun of dashing through the water without having to come in the yard. They could stay ten feet apart and still have a blast playing together! Just having moved the darn sprinkler was likely to set off my husband and ruin everybody's night, so you can imagine the stomach churning anxiety when I realized the windows on his truck were open and the sprinkler had been pouring water in there for at least ten minutes!!
By the time I got around to the front of the house, the kids had noticed the problem too and were starting to panic. We were discussing how to best break the news and apologize when he came around the corner of the house. He did a quick scan assessing the spray pattern of water on paving and asked "Is my truck all wet inside now?" We all nodded, filled with dread and he ACTUALLY CHUCKLED and said, "Ah well, it's only water." He then went and got the shop-vac and vacuumed the water out, sent DS for some towels, put those on the seats and that was that. He described a couple of memories of running through sprinklers when he was a kid as he tidied up. He was so freaking normal while we all panicked, even DS's friend (he knows, he sees the other days). The whole family (even the other kids once they'd heard the story) waited anxiously all night for him to yell and scream and punish us somehow. By breakfast we were beside ourselves. Eldest DS, 20, always just trying to get things over with, finally blurted "I just can't believe you didn't totally freak about the water in your truck!" Everyone practically held their breath waiting for it. H looked around at all of our nervous faces and scowled and said (like we were the crazy ones!) "Why the hell would I freak out about that? It's only water." then grumbled about how we were always treating him like he was an a-hole.
He still hasn't brought it up. We still can't believe it.

11JB68 · May 29, 2020, 09:04:47 PM

It's so odd. I mean he freaks about us not parking in our newly designated spot in the driveway....

BeautifulCrazy · May 29, 2020, 11:54:01 PM

Oh jeez, the driveway....
I'm not allowed to park in the driveway at present. My truck tires are much too muddy. I will have to wash it first. Today, now that the mud has dried, he is sweetly telling me I should drive around the block a few times to get the mud out of the treads, then I can park in the driveway. How generous of him!
I think he is actually worried one of the neighbors will ask me why I've parked on the street the last two days when there are two empty spots in the drive. He probably guesses (and rightly) that I will simply tell them the truth.