I just need a place to vent

[Justanotherlostgirl1]

I just kind of need an anonymous place to get this all off of my chest. Been here before, I'll probably be here again.

My partner is being so unkind and uncaring. Yesterday my car broke down and I took it to the garage. The price to fix ends up being a lot of money. I just started a new job last month but because I fled from my narc ex, and we are currently separated and I'm trying to mediate a divorce, he doesn't pay for anything for my child. So I need to pay for his after school care, medical bills and costs of medication (he was hospitalized for a few days a while back) and all the usual household expenses: groceries, gas, Netflix, phone, insurance payment and etc.

Anyway so my car blows up and now basically my entire paycheck needs to go to getting this fixed. I texted to my partner and told them I could cover almost all of it, but that if they could cover a bit, that would really help me. My partner then proceeds to scream at me about how I never contribute. How I didn't get a job when I moved in (they told me not to get a job right away so I could spend more time with my child), that I don't pay for anything (I pay for groceries and Netflix, and that I'm not even divorced (I'm dealing with a narc ex who is refusing mediation and so I've had to pay a ridiculous amount to a lawyer. I just found out he won't mediate on Tuesday.) I just started working and I asked my partner if they needed money for bills a few times and they said no.) we recently just got finished Christmas where I spent quite a bit for presents for my child and his children too.  This was my first paycheck I would have had money to contribute, but it's all going to fixing my car so I can get to my job. Just for perspective he makes double my salary, almost triple. I know I'm not contributing a lot atm but I am TRYING. It all just makes me feel so sad. It's not like I broke my own car so I'd have to pay 1000's of dollars to have it fixed.

How do I not be upset? How do I deal with this kind of behavior. I'm really at a loss. This reminds me a lot of how my ex narc used to get when I was sick, or when life just happened. Any advice would be appreciated. Btw my partner won't talk it out. He currently is out of the house having a drug and alcohol fueled meltdown that I dare to have my car totally break down on me.

[Justanotherlostgirl1]

Yes I've considered it. I've been here venting about him before. I feel like it's my own funeral though because I can't quite escape atm. I've read everything here a few times over. I've used the suggestions with my ex narc, but my ex never wanted to be around. This one is always around, he wants to be so close it's smothering. He wants to know all of my whereabouts at all times, where as the previous one didn't care at all to know anything about me. With the previous, I was able to prepare myself when he was with me and use the toolbox as best I could. I'm highly emotional myself and I find it really hard to grey rock and show no emotion because my emotions are all over the place. Venting helps for sure! I don't expect anyone to reply, but thank you so much for replying. It's nice to feel I'm not alone.

I just don't have the funds for therapy right now. We did go to see a couples therapist earlier on, but I was diagnosed with cptsd by my old therapist and the couples therapist really seemed to latch onto that and how I was so unstable. It got to a point where we would do separate visits and my partner decided he wouldn't be going anymore, after 3 sessions. Since then, everything has always been 100% my fault. I do talk to my mom, and she has pointed out he is another narc, which I agree with. I just need a place to put a voice to the feelings until I can get out.