DH being ridiculous about including PDmil

[Pepin]

So....the pandemic has been a blessing and a curse.  Blessing because I haven't seen PDmil for months!     The teens haven't seen her either! 

DH on the other hand, has been in contact with her and is whittling away her To Do list, pandemic or not.   

The other day DH mentioned something about having PDmil over for a dinner since one of our teens is graduating HS.     Uh. No.     Don't want her here.  Don't want her celebrating where she isn't welcome.  Our HS teen and has had a rocky and unfair relationship with PDmil.  DH keeps pushing them together but siding with PDmil.  Everyone is tired of this.  I am very tired of this, despite continuing gray rock with PDmil and several past conversations with DH about her behavior.  I know, she won't change. 

This is supposed to be a happy time.  Our teen has worked hard and deserves only to be surrounded by those that are supportive and caring.  PDmil is none of this.  Celebrating to PDmil means eating a meal and going over her to do list with DH.  And she won't speak English.  Under. Our. Roof. 

I'm sorry but I'm not having any of this.  PDmil has no place at a celebration like this -- our teen doesn't even get to celebrate with friends.  This is a private family thing only = only the people that live under our roof.

How do I convey this to DH in words he can understand?

[blacksheep7]

Hi Pepin,

I'm sorry to hear that your situation hasn't changed.  Your mil sounds like my widowed NM and my brothers who cater to her every needs, so I can relate.  They feel sorry for her.  Well, not me, I am nc as she did me too much harm relating to me as an extension of herself.  We are soooooooo different.

Back to you.  What I wanted to say is that speaking the other language under your roof is RUDE and Disrespectful.  Your dh should not allow that. It's okay only if they are alone.  I say this as English was not my first language and I didn't allow M to do that in front of my family.

As for the rest, I don't have advice how you could get through to your DH.  You tried many times but now with the pandemic could be a  very good reason to protect her health.  She should stay home like all seniors that are more vulnerable.

take care

[Sidney37]

Hi Pepin

I am so sorry this is continuing.  Has she been to your house during the quarantine/pandemic?   Can you refuse to allow her or anyone over because of the risks?  Have any of you other than DH been out to the store or anything?  That will put MIL at risk!   She must stay home! She's old and high risk.  Will DH accept that?

[bloomie]

Hi Pepin - what a long road this has been and I am sorry you are facing this once again! 😔

You ask how to convey your desire to keep the celebration private and the focus on your DD... I like this:

This is a private family thing only = only the people that live under our roof.

You may chose not to/or are not able to include anyone else in this celebration. It's not personal against anyone else that you may not be including I imagine. Giving any extra energy and focus to your mil's exclusion in a simple decision that excludes everyone but your sweet immediate family is not necessary. It only elevates her and makes her attendance/not attendance potentially more of the focus than the wants and wishes of your daughter of honor.

I can be a bit like a message on repeat with things like this... if the convo starts to go there with your DH around his mother you could gray rock it or if pushed to respond... "This is a private family thing only = only the people that live under our roof." 

Part of what I have really struggled with is this exact scenario... a time when you cannot include anyone else, but the focus and energy somehow gets syphoned off and the situation begins to spin around one or two PD family members who are not included.  Ummm.... yep them a whole lotta other people right now.

Pulling back and refusing to go there and make it about your mil attending with your DH may help? It has helped me anyway to keep a bigger picture and not be dragged down into the swirl. Let us know how this goes! Sending you strength and a steady, calm, focused heart!