Finally ending this?

[bat123]

I am filled with anxiety and uncertainty, and drawing much strength from those here that have gone through and are still going through this.  After 25 years I feel closer than I ever have to feeling like this saga may be drawing to a close.  We have an appointment to see a mediator later this month.  In the meantime, things are awkward and strained.  He feels, as always, that I have deep-seated, "unresolved issues" that are the cause of all of our problems.  His strategy has always been to relentlessly push me and pressure me to own up to perceived wrongs, constantly.  Well, finally over the past year or two I've finally learned to pull back from the crazy cycle (not always successfully), and it's only escalated his behaviors.  It's like he can't find any inner peace unless he can psychologically keep me in a box, where I'm defined as somehow damaged or fundamentally flawed.  He often gets into a good mood where things can feel light and fun and normal for a little while, but those times are more and more fleeting.  Then it just goes back to the same old narrative that I'm flawed and until I learn to own up to my wrongdoings and apologize for whatever my latest transgression is, he is justified in whatever his response is.  This can include interrogation, rage, name calling, continuously rehashing the past, threats, and even physical abuse.  He will "apologize" if he goes too far, sometimes, but it's always quickly followed by how he was justified in his rage, because of MY impossible behaviors.  Anyway, bottom line is, I'm now telling him that I can't go on like this, and he's basically said "fine, then leave."  To which I've said, "that's not what I want, but it seems there is no other option."  So, that's where it stands.  My stomach is in knots and I hate being around him.  I cringe when he walks in the room.  He still expects all the "normal" trappings of life, like kissing to greet each other, his dinner plate fixed on the table, and sex every few days.  I'm expected to act "normal" or else he characterizes me as being rude or trying to send him an angry message.  He tries to draw me into conversations about the relationship that I'm avoiding, because he will NEVER get it.  I want to leave because he's abusive, but he will never ever be able to comprehend that.  If I even suggest that the problem is his abuse, he says that's just an "out" to avoid taking responsibility for my lies, my hurtful behaviors, etc.  It's frustrating as hell, but what choice do I have but to plow forward in pursuing a divorce?  I'm just afraid I won't follow through and I'll be sucked back in.  We have two college aged children but one still in middle school, which makes this so hard...

[Whiteheron]

Ooh, I can relate to everything you wrote. You are at the stage where it is so very difficult to keep it all going.

My stbx also declared that I was responsible for all of the problems in our marriage. He was coming unraveled, and it was all my fault. MC/greyrock just made it worse, but it helped me maintain my sanity. I posted a lot here, journaled, and watched a lot of Kris Godinez videos on Youtube.

We tried joint therapy (with his T). The T was astounded at the stories I had to tell. I think she had no idea what she was dealing with until I walked through her door. stbx would appear to understand that he needed to take steps to change, but it would only last a day at most. Then he would go back and tell me "I only did xyz because you...". He wasn't learning a thing (just using T as supply), and he wasn't getting any better. Those were some of the worst days.

I also felt sick to my stomach whenever he would come near. Sleeping with him would make me nauseous. It was a reset button for him - I wasn't allowed to bring up any past wrongs after sex, because if he was really that bad I wouldn't have slept with him.  But then if I didn't he would find something to rage about...
Eventually I did stop and I moved into the spare bedroom. I just couldn't anymore.

After I filed, I was still living under the same roof until custody was sorted (kids were 10 and 13 when I filed three years ago). His sense of entitlement was through the roof. He still expected me to cook his meals, do his laundry, and clean the house. He told me he was doing his job (going to work every day), so I needed to so mine - which was apparently catering to him and taking care of him like his mommy. *shudder*

[Spygirl]

I am so sorry. Such a stressful, frughtening time for you. You have a familiar story to mine, and i made it out. I made it out and i stayed out. Life started to slowly improve.

You can do this. You can not respond to the bait and quietly arrange your exit. When you feel weak, and you will alot, read this post back to yourself and be your own best girlfriend. You do not deserve this. The GREAT UNKNOWN is why you falter.  Take courage of those of us who are out.

[cant turn back]

I very much relate to everything you wrote (minus actual physical abuse). 

His strategy has always been to relentlessly push me and pressure me to own up to perceived wrongs, constantly. 

It's like he can't find any inner peace unless he can psychologically keep me in a box, where I'm defined as somehow damaged or fundamentally flawed.

Then it just goes back to the same old narrative that I'm flawed and until I learn to own up to my wrongdoings and apologize for whatever my latest transgression is, he is justified in whatever his response is.

My stomach is in knots and I hate being around him.  I cringe when he walks in the room. 

He tries to draw me into conversations about the relationship that I'm avoiding, because he will NEVER get it. 

Yup, all very relatable.  I had to leave our home, my ExH refused to leave.  It's like he had to make everything 100X harder, thinking it would deter me from ending it, like I would just give in (because for nearly 30 years I always did).  It was incredibly difficult.  However in some ways it only increased my resolve.  The way he was posturing and making everything so much harder than it needed to be, his veiled threats of seeking full custody of our then DD14, all of that only made me hate him more with each day, which strengthened me to get away from him..  his strategy really backfired, not that it was a well thought out strategy, he was grasping at straws.  The more he pushed me, disrespected me, bullied me... the more it lit a fire in me.

The great unknown?  It is a peaceful, judgement free zone where you will no longer have a knot in your stomach, where you will no longer walk on eggshells.  Owning your voice and putting your foot down against the abuses you suffer, it is VERY empowering, living with integrity.  Teaching your kids (young and old) right vs wrong, showing them that you have the strength to live 'right'  and be treated 'right' and that you will no longer let someone treat you otherwise?  this will show them that you value yourself, and this will be instilled within them as well.
Fight for yourself, you are worth it.

[bat123]

Thank you, the support here means the world to me.  With my marriage falling apart, and the world going crazy with coronavirus fear, I'm not in a great place.  Everything feels like it's too much!

[Indigo2021]

I was exactly where you are for a long time. I was constantly hypervigilant 24 hours a day. I was surprised that I didn't have a heart attack quite frankly. I was married for 20 years. Men of their age WILL NOT CHANGE, especially not those that will not accept that they are mentally ill. It will not get better for you and your kids by staying. It will only breed more fear, hatred, resentment, and anxiety. I can promise you that. Just like above the unknown is your greatest fear as it was mine, and finally making the step was terrifying. It was very rough and my daughter and I are both in counseling, but I can also promise you this...when you disconnect and have a place that is yours and yours alone you will get your breathe back, you will get closer to the self you lost so many years ago, and you will smile again. Your children will have a mom who genuinely loves life again. It is a great gift that will be hard fought, but you will get there.