How being the Family Scapegoat really screws you over

[Concerned One]

I was the family scapegoat. Or still am. It's not a role you can shake off. Even when you leave they still pin all the blame on you. Such is the role of the scapegoat.

But it doesn't end there. I found this role followed me everywhere. At school, at work and amongst 'friends'. It's like your family pinned this label on you which is InvIsible to you but clear as daylight to everyone else.

Is this down to the way us scapegoats react to certain things? What's going on here?

[Laurie]

It’s like your family pinned this label on you which is InvIsible to you but clear as daylight to everyone else.

Is this down to the way us scapegoats react to certain things? What’s going on here?

Yes!  I've felt this way all my life!  I think it may start simply as a personality trait (lots of us including me are Meyers Briggs INFJ or similar).    I think it's also partly body language (remembering to walk tall, look people in the eye and stand up straight).  Rescue dogs and cats love and gravitate towards me, and bullies seem to hate me and see me as good target practice.  I'm on a lifelong journey working on assertiveness skills as well as using medium chill/grey rock/learning not to "take the bait" and healthy emotional detachment from toxic people.

I'm learning to look for ways to get up and leave a situation where someone is lashing out.  When I can't get away, I'm working on stepping back, detaching from the situation, and telling myself "this is their stuff".  For me, it's not enough to simply work on detaching, I need to replace the bad taste in my mouth with something healthy.  For instance, spending time with my husband or other healthy people and my dogs  or playing my favorite music after an unpleasant encounter.

One tool my therapist suggested was to make a "strengths list".  When being around PDs, it's easy to believe that one is completely worthless and to have a warped perspective.  It's important to see the positive in oneself and build on that in order to have a successful life.  Cognitive behavioral therapy can be helpful to see things the way they actually are and not the way the PD wants you to see them in order to build themselves up by pushing you down.

Best wishes to you as you travel "Out of the FOG" and build your own sense of self which is so much more important than what the PDs want to pin on you.

[Concerned One]

It's like your family pinned this label on you which is InvIsible to you but clear as daylight to everyone else.

Is this down to the way us scapegoats react to certain things? What's going on here?

Yes!  I've felt this way all my life!  I think it may start simply as a personality trait (lots of us including me are Meyers Briggs INFJ or similar).    I think it's also partly body language (remembering to walk tall, look people in the eye and stand up straight).  Rescue dogs and cats love and gravitate towards me, and bullies seem to hate me and see me as good target practice.  I'm on a lifelong journey working on assertiveness skills as well as using medium chill/grey rock/learning not to "take the bait" and healthy emotional detachment from toxic people.

I'm learning to look for ways to get up and leave a situation where someone is lashing out.  When I can't get away, I'm working on stepping back, detaching from the situation, and telling myself "this is their stuff".  For me, it's not enough to simply work on detaching, I need to replace the bad taste in my mouth with something healthy.  For instance, spending time with my husband or other healthy people and my dogs  or playing my favorite music after an unpleasant encounter.

One tool my therapist suggested was to make a "strengths list".  When being around PDs, it's easy to believe that one is completely worthless and to have a warped perspective.  It's important to see the positive in oneself and build on that in order to have a successful life.  Cognitive behavioral therapy can be helpful to see things the way they actually are and not the way the PD wants you to see them in order to build themselves up by pushing you down.

Best wishes to you as you travel "Out of the FOG" and build your own sense of self which is so much more important than what the PDs want to pin on you.

Best wishes to you too on your journey. X