Not sure if my partner has a personality disorder or is just been spoiled

[Dodo]

I have been living with my partner for 2.5 years now and I would say it has been rocky.We are both widowed so when we found each other it seemed perfect! Well let me tell you between his jealousy in the beginning of the relationship and all of his phobias it hasn't been easy.  The thing that attracted me to him was his sense of humour, his thoughtfulness, his romantic texts and I found him attractive.  He was married for many years like myself and had grown children, we had so much in common, but I then found out that he never took his wife on any holidays, had a fear of flying, fear of open spaces, fear of driving anywhere he didn't know where he was going (he doesn't have GPS), doesn't like the mountains, the sand, road trips, weekends away and a list of foods that are different than meat, potatoes and spaghetti.  Needless to say our life if pretty dull, I went into Vancouver to visit friends yesterday and wanted to drop off a picture of a couple I had as neighbours for 14 years.  He had lost his wife and I found a nice picture of the 2 of them and thought it would be nice to give it to him. Well my partner said why would you want to do that?  I don't think thats appropriate, so I was upset that he thought I would be interested in this man and we had a big fight and I ripped up the picture.  I went to visit my friends and after dinner and shopping, I guess I was gone 5 hours. Well I got the 3rd degree, "did you go see your neighbour", oh maybe you were going to see his son he says, like maybe I'd be interested in his friend Are you serious I said??? He berated off and on for hours while I was trying to sleep and when I got up this morning we haven't spoken since.
I know this is not normal behaviour, I know I don't want to live with someone who won't go anywhere with me but I just don't know what to do.  Im in deep with this man with a house and animals and the thought of breaking up exhausts me.  One thing I discovered with him is when we argue it is the circle arguing and always goes on and on and we never get anywhere, I say he stresses me out, he says I stress him out more, oh and did I mention he is obsessed about his health!! Does he have a personality disorder or is he totally insecure and self centred, I don't know I'm so fed up I use to cry a lot about it but now I'm just exhausted, my sister in law says don't let him wear you down, but we have made up so many times after fights but always end up arguing about the same things over and over.  Any advice or insight from people would be appreciated

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome Dodo! Your partner certainly sounds difficult to live with! And very demanding! And manipulative! In the picture of a friend event he managed to prevent you from doing such a nice thing, keep you from seeing a friend, and made it difficult to see the friend in future. So he is trying to isolate you. What is in it for you?
Please get all the information you can. Check out the Personality disorders tab and the TOOLBOX tab. There you might find a lot of ideas how to protect yourself better in this relationship. There are also the Chosen Relationship and Committed to working on it boards to read around. You will probably find other posters with similar experiences to yours.
Again welcome, I am glad you found us and sorry you had to.

[Starboard Song]

I know I don't want to live with someone who won't go anywhere with me.

Welcome to Out of the FOG. The behaviors described above do not scream out "personality disorder." There are many ways of being risk averse and insecure that are not rightly a personality disorder. Read about the Types of Disorders to see if you identify many strong patterns. Also in our toolbox, there, you'll find a lot of common traits that cut across different PDs. Whether this man has a PD or not, it is often helpful to see what toxic and pathological behaviors look like to others.

Truth be told, diagnosing a PD is very difficult, and cannot responsibly happen online. And at the end of all the best journeys here, people like yourself learn to enforce healthy, loving boundaries. You can read about Boundaries  on our site, but in short: they are not fences to control others. They are an expression of what we will and will not do, or engage with. You have them all the time, whether you ever say them out loud or think about them. When we establish healthy boundaries we enforce them with consistency and kindness. And one result is that we regain the ability to live as we want to live.

I don't know if your partner has a PD. I don't know what you should do. But I do know what you told us: you do not want to be in a longterm relationship with this man as he is today. So it is time to talk with him, kindly and directly, about his phobias and how they might be overcome. It is time to express and satisfy your needs in appropriate ways. And sure, do read up on PDs to determine whether that is a part of all this. When a home is on fire, we take action. Far too often, in unhealthy relationships, we are paralyzed by that sort of exhaustion you describe. Don't be paralyzed. We have no idea whether your future is with this man or not, but you know your future will be happier with some sort of change.

I am so glad you are here, and are looking for answers. Please grab hold of a family of choice, trusted friend. They can help you separate the music from the noise, the needs from the fears, the hope from the exhaustion.

Be good. Be strong.

[11JB68]

IMO he sounds a lot like my uocpdh.
Very controlling. See if you can read online about coercive control. No we can't diagnose pd. Lots of people have quirks or phobias etc... My understanding is that most people don't try to impose those on their lives ones or use those issues to control others.
This really struck me: "He berated off and on for hours while I was trying to sleep" - this sounds as if you were feeling verbally/emotionally abused.

[NumbLotus]

Hi,

This is just my take, nothing more.

It seems your partner has anxiety having to do with any sort of travel. If he were committed to working on it, he may be able to tolerate it a bit more. But I think it's pretty much a non-possibility that he would ever embrace and enjoy travel like you do.

And even that would require his own motivation to overcome it, which is much different from feeling "made" to do it.

You have every right to enjoy travel and going out, so you two may not be compatible. I know I wouldn't want to stay home all the time (I am in fact stuck in that very predicament) and I know I would rather share my life with someone who enjoys experiencing life outside the home.

If his anxiety is pushing a burden onto you in terms of, say, making you take a heavy load running errands and such, that's more than "incompatible" and he needs to figure out how he can pull his own weight. 

Anxiety is not personality disorder, though people with PD and people who were raised by or live with someone with PD probably have a higher than average incidence of anxiety.

The controlling behavior with jealousy can be related to PD but does not have to be. It's not cool. Whatever you do, please fight being isolated. I know how exhausting it can be, but isolation is a trap. You don't have to explain yourself to him or get trapped in arguments. You're going out now, seeya. Out with friends. Back later. You won't convince him of anything so there's no need to try. He may well blow up your phone while you're out or lay in wait for an argument when you return. It will be exhausting. Please don't get isolated. If you stay with him, try the Medium Chill and Gray Rock methods in the toolbox. It's no cure, just a way to cope.

The circular arguments do ring a bell for PD, but any of these behaviors can be used by anyone at times - it's the larger pattern that makes it PD. the suggestion to cope with circular arguments is not JADEing, also in the Toolbox. The idea is that explaining hiw you feel or using any logic will not work with someone who is interested only in controlling you (vs working things out, coming to an understanding or mutual agreement). So instead of going round and round, you just don't give the explanations that will then be weaponized against you.

I have in the past done the equivilent of tearing up the picture in one of thise baffling, emotionally explosive and bizarre arguments. I've since learned I don't have to get on the Crazy Train with him. Doing stuff like tearing up the picture only hurt me and helped him in many ways.

I used to get so angry because his behavior was just so out of the norm. It was bizarre. How dare he, was my frequent thought. I matched his anger because I didn't want to be Little Miss Doormat. If he wanted to take it to an 11, he'd have to get it back too. Maybe he'd hesitate next time. Maybe my feelings would get through to him. Maybe he'd realize how awful he was being.

Nope. Riding the Crazy Train did not restrain his behavior one iota. And he got to call ME crazy, emotional. He got to point out MY behaviors, which were only in reaction to his but timelines would get fuzzy and he'd feel like I was the first to yell, insult, whatever. Just more ammo for him.

So now I just Gray Rock or Mesium Chill it. He can stand there yelling like a lunatic if he wants.

Final comment, I know you're in deep, just make sure it doesn't get deeper. Don't let yourself be isolated, that is a hill to die on. And if it feels like you gotta die to keep that hill, you will be asking yourself if it's worth it - the hill is worth it, staying in the war maybe won't be.

[Dodo]

IMO he sounds a lot like my uocpdh.
Very controlling. See if you can read online about coercive control. No we can't diagnose pd. Lots of people have quirks or phobias etc... My understanding is that most people don't try to impose those on their lives ones or use those issues to control others.
This really struck me: "He berated off and on for hours while I was trying to sleep" - this sounds as if you were feeling verbally/emotionally abused.

Thank you for your insight, I was wondering what the initials at the top meant uocpdh

Thank you from Dodo

[Dodo]

11JB68

Thank you for your advice, I have been wondering what the initials IMO and uocpdh meant?

Dodo

[11JB68]

Undiagnosed Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder Husband