Husband is Avoidant

[Worthy of Care]

Hi. This is my first post on Out of the FOG.

A year ago my therapist made the statement that my husband had an "avoidant relationship style." I looked it up online and it really opened my eyes to what I've been experiencing in our marriage of over 25 years. On the outside, he's nice, mostly polite, at times helpful. But our relationship is empty of emotions and closeness.

I am a survivor of childhood trauma. Living alone while being in a relationship that is supposed to be close, is crazy-making for me. Mostly we live in different rooms in the house.

I'm not even sure if living with someone with Avoidant Personality Disorder (my diagnosis) is appropriate for this website. Compared to other issues others have to deal with, it seems minor; however, it is crazy-making for me.

[square]

It's not minor. You are welcome here.

It's true that NPD and BPD are the most commonly discussed PDs here, because of the high conflict nature of those PDs. But we discuss all PDs.

Living in a marriage with no connection is painful. Jump in and post, read the toolbox, and read around.

[xredshoesx]

i'm glad you are reaching out for support and know it has to be overwhelming at times- you left your family of origin in hopes of making the family you wanted but didn't have and now this. 

so many nuances exist within any relationship, adding the PD/ uPD element to it makes it all the more difficult to navigate.  your posts can help raise awareness to this particular type of PD.

check out the toolbox- i use the techniques and suggestions there all the time in all my interactions with difficult people regardless if there is a PD/ uPD involved.  the committed to working on it section has a lot of great support as the members there are all finding ways to stay within the relationship with their spouse-

hope to see you on the boards soon!

[Lauren17]

Hi Worthy.
Welcome.
My husband is not diagnosed. I sometimes think he has APD and sometimes I think he has covert narcissism. I completely understand the pain of being married to somebody who constantly withdraws.
In the end, the diagnosis (or lack of) doesn't really matter. What matters is how I respond to his behaviors.
Have you checked out the Common Traits in the Toolbox?  That's been very helpful for me.

[Hazy111]

Avoidants were often called "Schizoids" if they entered therapy. (Extremely unlikely. Intrusive.)   Like Borderlines now being labelled Emotionally Unstable Disorder.   

Would you say he has a narrow "emotional band with", not quick to show anger displeasure etc,, like hes repressing it ?  Avoids conflict, confrontations.? Often they are "narcissistic" but as Lauren17 describes its more covert than the extrovert " i want to be noticed " look at me" of the classical narcissist.

Most dont marry as relationships are  too emotionally "draining "  " overwhelming"   Many have jobs where they work alone and if married have the classic "shed/garage"  or hobbies tinkering with stuff not people, where they can retire to and can feel safe from disruptive intrusive unstable people in their heads (mothers ) but in the current often their wives/family/work colleagues.

My father often retreated to the dining room lost in his newspapers smoking away completely oblivious WW3 erupting in the kitchen/living room/bedroom while my uBPD mother was instigating one of her dramas. Other times we could watch him in the garden pottering about lost in a  daydream ( disassociating ) chatting away to himself. He would socialise with like minded men.

Know quite a few male avoidants/schizoids mostly single , some with distant relationships (physically distant as well as emotionally) and a few are married.  A few are divorced and never remarried.

You have my sympathy unfortunately he brings the deep trauma and scars  of the relationship with his mother ( lack of real love warmth, physically intrusive parenting style. Low on praise , high on criticism discipline etc) as a young boy to the one with you or any female for that matter.

[Worthy of Care]

Square, thank you for replying. Yes, living in a marriage with no connection is very painful.
xredshoesx, When talking to my previous therapist about my marriage, he said, "I think you just wanted a normal life." True.
Lauren, thank you for your response. I haven't seen "common traits," yet. I have read other information on Avoidant. The articles define what I have been living and help me to not feel like it is my craziness.
Hazy, He rarely shows emotion. There have been moments when it has bubbled to the surface, but it is very rare. He does socialize, but as far as I know, none of his relationships are beyond surface level. One of the things that I read is that  some Avoidants get married because it is a good cover.

Thank you for listening and welcoming me.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello Worthy of Care (great name!).

Welcome to this site. I joined here years ago and it helped me to better understand the PDs in my life.

Square really nailed it, when they wrote that a lot of us have posted about NPD and BPD because those PDs create a lot of high conflict. They definitely do!

Especially when compared to people who are avoidant, who are (as the term states) avoiding a lot, including being high conflict.

Avoidants share some similarities with NPDs I think. The tendency to be self-absorbed might be one of those similarities.

You are going to see some conversations here that fit for you and some that are not a fit. That is true for all of us when we join, but I wanted to share that it has certainly been the case for me, and I have a 'textbook' PD parent whose behaviours are described really really well by a lot of the posts on this site. Even so, not all the threads will be a fit, but don't let that discourage you. There is space here for your experiences too.

When we enter a relationship with someone, we assume this is in good faith and we assume that those things we see as "basic" - self-expression, sharing, reciprocity, are going to be nurtured by each partner. Otherwise, why get into a relationship in the first place?

Going through the emotional experiences that come from being with an Avoidant is really eye opening. From what I have read, a lot of people marry an Avoidant before ever realizing that their partner has these issues. Avoidants can maintain a lot of friendships as you say, that remain superficial - which makes it really hard for the partner to find people in their life who will understand how they feel. The avoidant can seem one way with friends, and a different way at home. There can be a gaslighting feeling to that at times - where we are not sure if what we are feeling is real. No one else "sees" it, so is it happening? Yes. it is.

I am glad you are here. My experience here has been very good and I hope that for you as well. Wishing you lots of sharing and insights in your experiences here.

Trees

[Worthy of Care]

Trees, thank you for welcoming me.

You are going to see some conversations here that fit for you and some that are not a fit. That is true for all of us when we join, but I wanted to share that it has certainly been the case for me, and I have a 'textbook' PD parent whose behaviours are described really really well by a lot of the posts on this site. Even so, not all the threads will be a fit, but don't let that discourage you. There is space here for your experiences too.

I appreciate the words to not be discouraged when some of the threads don't fit. Telling me that there's space for me and my experiences means a lot.

When we enter a relationship with someone, we assume this is in good faith and we assume that those things we see as "basic" - self-expression, sharing, reciprocity, are going to be nurtured by each partner. Otherwise, why get into a relationship in the first place?

Going through the emotional experiences that come from being with an Avoidant is really eye opening. From what I have read, a lot of people marry an Avoidant before ever realizing that their partner has these issues. Avoidants can maintain a lot of friendships as you say, that remain superficial - which makes it really hard for the partner to find people in their life who will understand how they feel. The avoidant can seem one way with friends, and a different way at home. There can be a gaslighting feeling to that at times - where we are not sure if what we are feeling is real. No one else "sees" it, so is it happening? Yes. it is.

Trees

Yes, I couldn't (still can't) fathom getting into a relationship and not wanting and working for deep connection. From what I've read, people can be married to an Avoidant for a long time before coming to an understanding of what is happening. That was certainly the case for me.