Finally starting to see narcissist boyfriend for what he is

[beachlover]

Hello everyone, so happy to have found this site...

I've been dating my SO for a few years. Started off long-distance when I was going through a divorce, then he moved down to my area to be with me (living in a nearby building.) What I used to view as charming quirks (self-importance, ego, etc.) I started to see as narcissism. And it's only gotten worse as he's turned to a lot of other tricks as of late (deflection, gaslighting, compulsive lying, playing the victim.) He's had been traveling a lot before the pandemic but hasn't earned anything that could be considered actual income for years or most likely, decades. Too "important" to get a "real job," but he's blamed everything from family deaths years ago to the pandemic to traveling rather than taking responsibility for his inactions. Finance talk is always super vague--he talks about having investments and chipping away at credit card debt, etc. but I'm not sure I believe anything he says anymore. I've told him I need to see statements and tax returns and I will do the same.

I've caught him in small, stupid lies which leads me to believe that he's lied about bigger things too. He has a ton of people in his life he calls "good friends" (not in this area since he relocated but the metro areas where he used to live), many of them women. He says he has almost an equal number of men and women friends but that's not true. Got into a fight a week ago when he was planning on having a woman friend stay with him for the weekend.  (One who has sent him inappropriate pics but he's excused it away.) Blames all of his current financial/career woes on family loss and pain he had in his 20's, but never takes responsibility for it or seeks counseling. Constant misrepresentation about his career experience, friendships, sexual performance.

He and I are in couples therapy right now but at this point I don't know to what end. Until a year ago I thought this was the guy I was eventually going to move in with, as he kept making promises about getting his career goals on track, etc. But it's clear he is never going to change. Looking back when I was in the middle of that "chemical love soup" in my brain, as my best friend calls it, I know now that we got into things way too quickly. Within a week or two he was telling me I was the one he wanted to be with for the rest of his life. Wanted to move in together a few months later but I put the brakes on that because of my kids, and when our leases were up last year I told him it was still way too early.

I feel confused, sad, angry, bamboozled, concerned. You name it.  Thanks for letting me vent. Would appreciate any support or thoughts from someone going through this now or who gotten through it...I can't believe this is my life.

[notrightinthehead]

First of all I want to congratulate you for dodging the moving in together. How clever of you and how lucky! Welcome to this wonderful supportive and informative site for people with similar experiences.
It seems the FOG is lifting for you, now you need to find a way to work on yourself in order to protect yourself better in the future. Have your read the TOOLBOX? This might be a good start and give your ideas what to do when you are being gaslit or how to respond when you are being baited into a fight. Also check out the personality disorders tab to establish how many traits you have observed in your SO.
Be kind to yourself, there are so many people who have fallen for the initial superficial charm and then got hooked, this is a chance for you to grow stronger and wiser and come out of this experience more self assured.
See you around on the boards!

[beachlover]

Thanks so much, notrightinthehead! I started to look at the Toolbox and resources yesterday and I will delve into them more today.

Yes, I am so very relieved that we didn't move in together. Every bell and intuition was going off in my head that it wouldn't have been the right decision. As it is it's difficult enough since he moved close to me, doesn't really have a network beyond my friends (since he doesn't have a job or coworkers...) moved all his stuff into storage units near us, drives my car, etc. But at least we aren't cohabitating.

See you on the boards!

[Worthy of Care]

I hear that you are feeling confused, sad, angry, bamboozled and concerned. It is a lot to feel and to process. Trust your gut and pay attention to the red flags.

[Boat Babe]

Welcome Beachlover. I'm sorry you had to find us but this is one of the best places on the internet for your problem.

I think that you are going to have to make a decision at some point and, imo, it's always best to make an INFORMED decision to guarantee best possible outcomes.  So please read up on the 100 traits of PDs on the Out of the FOG website. That will give you a very clear idea of what you're dealing with.  Then I would spend some time reading the various subsections of the forum where you will find people whose stories are eerily similar to yours (people with PDs are unbelievably predictable in their disorder) For me, the saddest ones are from people who have endured decades of abuse for various reasons.

I am very glad that you don't live together and you don't have children with him.  Making a decision and acting on on it will be so much easier for you. It will still be heartbreaking though and probably lead you to further investigation into your "choosing" to stay with someone like him and this will lead to some phenomenal personal growth. It's hardest right at the beginning but it does get easier.

Good luck.

[beachlover]

Thanks so much everyone, I appreciate the support.

Things are escalating quickly...going to create a post on the chosen relationships board.

[dez333]

Hello everyone, so happy to have found this site...

I've been dating my SO for a few years. Started off long-distance when I was going through a divorce, then he moved down to my area to be with me (living in a nearby building.) What I used to view as charming quirks (self-importance, ego, etc.) I started to see as narcissism. And it's only gotten worse as he's turned to a lot of other tricks as of late (deflection, gaslighting, compulsive lying, playing the victim.) He's had been traveling a lot before the pandemic but hasn't earned anything that could be considered actual income for years or most likely, decades. Too "important" to get a "real job," but he's blamed everything from family deaths years ago to the pandemic to traveling rather than taking responsibility for his inactions. Finance talk is always super vague--he talks about having investments and chipping away at credit card debt, etc. but I'm not sure I believe anything he says anymore. I've told him I need to see statements and tax returns and I will do the same.

I've caught him in small, stupid lies which leads me to believe that he's lied about bigger things too. He has a ton of people in his life he calls "good friends" (not in this area since he relocated but the metro areas where he used to live), many of them women. He says he has almost an equal number of men and women friends but that's not true. Got into a fight a week ago when he was planning on having a woman friend stay with him for the weekend.  (One who has sent him inappropriate pics but he's excused it away.) Blames all of his current financial/career woes on family loss and pain he had in his 20's, but never takes responsibility for it or seeks counseling. Constant misrepresentation about his career experience, friendships, sexual performance.

He and I are in couples therapy right now but at this point I don't know to what end. Until a year ago I thought this was the guy I was eventually going to move in with, as he kept making promises about getting his career goals on track, etc. But it's clear he is never going to change. Looking back when I was in the middle of that "chemical love soup" in my brain, as my best friend calls it, I know now that we got into things way too quickly. Within a week or two he was telling me I was the one he wanted to be with for the rest of his life. Wanted to move in together a few months later but I put the brakes on that because of my kids, and when our leases were up last year I told him it was still way too early.

I feel confused, sad, angry, bamboozled, concerned. You name it.  Thanks for letting me vent. Would appreciate any support or thoughts from someone going through this now or who gotten through it...I can't believe this is my life.

So so glad that you are able to see him for who he is now before it's too late.  Girl, run.  Run fast and don't look back.  If he's already showing you signs now, it will only get WAY worse if you guys move in together or, God forbid, get married.  They always show us the best version of themselves while "courting" us and then once we are locked in, their true selves come out.  Since you have kids, you MUST put them first and protect them from this person at all costs.  To him, they are just an extension of the supply he needs.  If he can't get it from you, he will get it from them and he will ruin them and feel zero remorse about it. 

Narcissists don't change.  Even if they ever actually realize that they are a narcissist, they don't see an issue with it.  They see YOU as the problem.  I really hope you don't fall into the same trap that the rest of us fell into and spend the next 10-15 years miserable and trying to recover your finances and self-esteem.  Good luck.

[Boat Babe]

Hello everyone, so happy to have found this site...

I've been dating my SO for a few years. Started off long-distance when I was going through a divorce, then he moved down to my area to be with me (living in a nearby building.) What I used to view as charming quirks (self-importance, ego, etc.) I started to see as narcissism. And it's only gotten worse as he's turned to a lot of other tricks as of late (deflection, gaslighting, compulsive lying, playing the victim.) He's had been traveling a lot before the pandemic but hasn't earned anything that could be considered actual income for years or most likely, decades. Too "important" to get a "real job," but he's blamed everything from family deaths years ago to the pandemic to traveling rather than taking responsibility for his inactions. Finance talk is always super vague--he talks about having investments and chipping away at credit card debt, etc. but I'm not sure I believe anything he says anymore. I've told him I need to see statements and tax returns and I will do the same.

I've caught him in small, stupid lies which leads me to believe that he's lied about bigger things too. He has a ton of people in his life he calls "good friends" (not in this area since he relocated but the metro areas where he used to live), many of them women. He says he has almost an equal number of men and women friends but that's not true. Got into a fight a week ago when he was planning on having a woman friend stay with him for the weekend.  (One who has sent him inappropriate pics but he's excused it away.) Blames all of his current financial/career woes on family loss and pain he had in his 20's, but never takes responsibility for it or seeks counseling. Constant misrepresentation about his career experience, friendships, sexual performance.

He and I are in couples therapy right now but at this point I don't know to what end. Until a year ago I thought this was the guy I was eventually going to move in with, as he kept making promises about getting his career goals on track, etc. But it's clear he is never going to change. Looking back when I was in the middle of that "chemical love soup" in my brain, as my best friend calls it, I know now that we got into things way too quickly. Within a week or two he was telling me I was the one he wanted to be with for the rest of his life. Wanted to move in together a few months later but I put the brakes on that because of my kids, and when our leases were up last year I told him it was still way too early.

I feel confused, sad, angry, bamboozled, concerned. You name it.  Thanks for letting me vent. Would appreciate any support or thoughts from someone going through this now or who gotten through it...I can't believe this is my life.

So so glad that you are able to see him for who he is now before it's too late.  Girl, run.  Run fast and don't look back.  If he's already showing you signs now, it will only get WAY worse if you guys move in together or, God forbid, get married.  They always show us the best version of themselves while "courting" us and then once we are locked in, their true selves come out.  Since you have kids, you MUST put them first and protect them from this person at all costs.  To him, they are just an extension of the supply he needs.  If he can't get it from you, he will get it from them and he will ruin them and feel zero remorse about it. 

Narcissists don't change.  Even if they ever actually realize that they are a narcissist, they don't see an issue with it.  They see YOU as the problem.  I really hope you don't fall into the same trap that the rest of us fell into and spend the next 10-15 years miserable and trying to recover your finances and self-esteem.  Good luck.