"The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us..." Gavin de Becker

[gary]

Just for general interest and just knowledge that could save ya.

http://www.your-krav-maga-expert.com/gun-vs-knife.html

[workingonit]

Our internal instincts as animals is amazing. And it's sad that sometimes our 'rational' mind tries to push that instinct aside.

Here's one for thought.  A few years ago where I live there was a huge outbreak of wildfires.  Although our home wasn't close to the fires in any way, and we were never in any danger, there were so many at one time that the smell was overwhelming outdoors.  During that time (a few days period) my dog, whenever we tried to take him outside to walk or go to the bathroom, would cower and try to run back inside the house.  Couldn't even get him to go to the bathroom outside.  (A dog that normally loves his walks).  As far as I know, he'd never even seen a fire, certainly never been close to one or injured in anyway.  This was purely ancestral gut survival instinct.  Smell fire, run away. 

[Rachael H]

Here's a interesting website that I came across while looking for a martial arts club for my daughter

http://thinklikeablackbelt.com

it is run by a female blackbelt, she gives good self defence tips and even discusses narcissistic people and how to get away from them!

[Cricket]

Wow!!!   I have to say since I fought FEAR most of life in various ways from the abuse, it didn't seem like a gift.  It's been a long haul!  I still can get it at times.   

I would say FEAR will always be something I work on from all the havoc from when I was born...

Physical violence and mental have long standing effects, regardless of how hard you work on it... It's insidious!!

Keep working at not being a wounded minnow.  You have to put up a good front because there are sharks out there
to take a bite.   

BTW, if you are really chased by someone with a knife, as I have been, it's not a funny thing!!!  I found it to be super threatening along with the verbal message, 'I will kill you!"  Now, that's not something that feels good to me. 

I never want to see the things I have seen again!!!  And Jodi Arias knife is no little thing at all!

[whispers2moon]

After a discussion with my parents yesterday I decided to repost on this thread.  I was thanking my parents for teaching me to respect my personal space bubble.  They never made me hug or kiss anyone, even them, ever.   They never made me learn to let people closer than I was comfortable with.  They did not teach stranger danger but instead to say not then yell and tell if anyone did anything to make us feel weird or uncomfortable.  I did not let my principle paddle me in elementary school, I told the principle if I needed spanked my Dad would do it and to call him.  In Jr. High School I had a male teacher bodily push me up against the lockers.  He had and erection and was being threatening.  I had no problem telling him to back off before I screamed my head off and kneed him in the nuts.  No means NO, it is not a negotiation.  Our girls out there especially need to be taught this.

[WishfulThinking]

I have read "The Gift of Fear" when it first came out.  I was searching for help.  At the time and for several years was dealing with extreme difficulty with my daughter's father.  I never married him, I never lived with him. His behavior was everything on this forum that everyone talks about.

Gary?  One of the choices so and so made was to go through the police academy basic training to get a badge.  Not to become a working officer, just to get a badge.  That badge # was used to access surveillance equipment not available to the public.  My house phone, my cell phone, my car, my work was all tapped.  He knew what conversations went on in the house.  He knew where I was, he knew who I talked to-what I said.

Just finding this post today does 2 things for me:
I know how far I have come    and
I know how far I can go and must and will to protect myself.

The most recent dating escapade I experienced also involved someone who has a badge, was a working officer for a short time and believes he can use the psychology training for interrogation to manipulate anyone he needs to in his life to gain control.  He brings you in close to gain your weaknesses and then creates a strategy for what he wants. I would have to stop short of stating he uses these tactics to create havoc on the world at large, I do believe it's his way of protecting himself from loss and pain and exposure.  Which actually leaves him unable to fully connect.

I don't want to be so fully insulated I push people away, I do want to go through Life with a safety cage that limits the damage.

Just seeing a few quotes from the book here-they make more sense to me now.  On the list for continued reading and education this month.  Thanks all for sharing your stories and insight.   This was the first time ever I got to see others viewpoints on this subject and totally relate.

[Latchkey]

Excellent book. Excellent thread. Just giving this a bump for others who may not have seen it before.

Latchkey

[tea-lady]

My daughter is at a higher risk of being abused because of her being an Aspie girl of 17. I am torn between her being informed by this book and her being even more socially anxious. She over worries anyway about strangers. Is there anyway to approach this. I really would like her to read it, but dont want her to be any more of a social recluses than she already is. She is way gullible too and immature for 17 as well. I do believe she is at risk because of her gullibility.

Appreciate any insight, thanks

[Latchkey]

Hi tea-lady,

I agree that getting the message to all kids, esp teens is important.

I have a Step Son that is 16 and on the Spectrum and has some of the same kind of gullible(ness) and black/white thinking going on. He is not much of a reader but I can imagine him being confused by the book. He does get special life skills type stuff through the high school and I wonder if they will work with him on this? If your D gets any life skills training then maybe see if they have any ideas or if they are covering it in the curriculum.

With my DD 15 and 17 I know that they could handle the book-- but they wouldn't want to read the whole thing ---so with them I just tell them the appropriate things as best I can. I've been doing this since I read the book years ago. I remember reading part of  the first chapter to my D then 12 at the time but I can't remember what I read to her. The things I keep telling them are things like:
Trust your gut.
If you think you are in danger then get the heck out.
Don't be afraid to yell and make a scene if you are being followed.
Dating danger stuff.

For your D17 I would recommend reading the book yourself and then copying out selections for her to read or talking it through to her  and reinforcing it as appropriate. Basically I don't think many teens these days are going to be excited about reading this book but getting the message to them is important.

Also, seeing what is in your community for self defense classes geared to teens might be a good idea as long as you were able to observe a class before sending her in there.

Lk

[tea-lady]

Thankyou, I appreciate your support. My daughter is over vigilant with safety, germs, strangers etc. So I think if the book is appropriate, she would want to read it. She is not a typical teen who would find it part boring. I will read the book first. I do believe she is at risk because of her gullibility. I will talk to her about the 'gut' feeling, though it can be bit faulty. She can be irrational in her fears, so.

[Toby]

The book came highly recommended from another site to encourage those whom had been victims of violence to take back ownership of their lives.  It was a hard read emotionally but allowed a passage into living without hypervigilance for quite a few women (besides myself) whom had been raped.

I highly recommend the text if you have been afraid to venture out. It is available in Kindle.

[brownies]

http://dianaiannarone.com/2015/03/05/449/

There is a video (53) minutes of The Gift of Fear. Excellent video and if I come across the book I'll be reading it. Interesting talk about intuition and that NO means NO and it's not negotiable, even if you are a woman.

[solidground]

I have this book.  It is excellent.  For reasons I won't explain, I am more aware of risky situations than most people, but I still learnt from this book.

The key message of the book is really simple:  Lots of people who survive really nasty situations say afterwards that they had a sixth sense of danger - but they ignored it.   So learn to listen to your intuition, and it could save your life.


Why do we ignore that gut feeling?  I can't remember if the book addresses that question, but I think it's useful to understand our own thought-processes - that could get us killed!

I think one reason is because it is often a vague sixth sense.  Without concrete "proof" of danger it is easy to push the feeling aside.  "I'm just being paranoid".

Another is faulty reasoning about probabilities.  Most people who make you uncomfortable are probably harmless - but that does NOT mean that THIS one is harmless.  Better safe than sorry.

Just simple denial - if I tell myself everything is fine, then it will be.

Embarrassment - not wanting to look silly, make a fuss, cause a scene or whatever.

[Phoenix Rising]

Another recommendation here. I just finished the book and it really opened my eyes to a lot of things. I love how he has created memorable acronyms, terms and has a list of ways our body signals danger to us.

I still have some unanswered questions that I was hoping would be answered in this book but overall, it's an insightful read. Even if you are not a victim/survivor of physical or sexual types of violence, the book is really beneficial.

Thanks again to the forum members who recommended this book to me!