Can you still have a relationship with ubpdm?

[Phoenix77]

I'm finally coming Out of the FOG with my ubpdM but feel so confused by my desire to have a closer relationship with her and dealing with the volatility. I'm the "bad" kid compared to my brother although a lot of the "good" kid perspective is her projecting her victim mentality on him. She's aware that she terrible at relationships and tries but if triggered all comes flooding back. I'm torn between love and anger and overwhelming feeling of obligation. Grey rock is the perfect way to deal with her but it blocks any authentic relationship building. Just don't know what to do.

[jennsc85]

For me personally, I realized that I cannot have any kind of meaningful relationship with my uBPDm.

If I share anything personal with her, she uses it against me at a later date (or right there on the spot!) I had to learn to gray rock as well. I cannot do any "normal" mother daughter things with her because our relationship is not "normal." Things like going out to lunch are not enjoyable because you never know what will set her off and on top of that, she talks non stop and there is no back and forth conversation.

I went NC with my mother in early 2018 and remained that way for over a year. I visited her once and realized she is the same person. I went another year with NC. Then, we progressed to VVVLC. We email (not call or text) a couple times a month. She and her new boyfriend came over for my oldest daughters birthday.

I'm careful to not get too close to her though. The distance from her was life changing for me. It was hard at times because in my heart I do want a relationship with her, but it's just not possible to have any semblance of "normal" with her.

[SaltwareS]

I had to break and come back. So I had to live with the possibility of no relationship ever again for a few years. But having no parent does something to you. So then I had to really mindfully live with the better part of parents in my mind and heart.

I went through a few stages. 1 - Separating and seeing/accepting my parent as a pd first, human second. 2 - Education and education and education. 3 - Coming around to seeing my parent as a human first, pd second. 4 - careful selective reconnection events.

And I did this for my benefit. Not for the parent's benefit. This process coincidentally benefited the parent.

[Phoenix77]

Thanks All,

I'm slowly coming to terms with what it truly means to have BPD and that I'll have to accept that she is who she is and that LC (messaging and occasional calls) is the best way to keep the relationship on an even keel.

I relate to all the posts that around finally becoming a person of your own when you leave home. It's just so sad that we can't be a normal family. I miss having a mom to talk to and share in my own family. 

[Spring Butterfly]

This book is designed to help facilitate a break while you heal and to objectively evaluate what sort of contact may or may not be possible after your healing work is complete.

https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=29251.0