Guilt for distancing against nonPD inlaws

[teddy2008]

Hi there,

I have have a PDMIL and her parents (my husbands grandparents) are enablers to her behavior.  I have come to the realization that my husbands brothers are also enablers of there mom's behavior and all information trickles back to her. 

I have begun to distance myself as much as possible from my husbands side of the family.  It is better for me, it is better for our marriage.  I feel guilty and maybe even a sense of loss from knowing I'll never be able to interact with my SILs like I used to.  They are kind people and in the past we have even bonded over how bad our PDMIL actions were at times.   Part of me wonders even if I am taking this too far?  But I know anything I share with them will get back to their husbands and there is a chance it gets back to PDMIL/ enabling grandparents.  One of the SIL's even reached out via text to see how I was doing during quarantine which was nice, but I gave her the shortest, 'im fine!' answer I could come up with.

Has anyone dealt with this? How do you deal with the nonPD people in the family that are still connected/sources for the PD?

Thanks,
teddy

*Edit whoops I realized this is in wrong category- trying to move now

[Starboard Song]

We've struggled with this.

My decision has been two parts:

• We all need more love and not less
• My wife and I need to care way less about what her mother hears

I don't know your back story, but in our case (and many others) so much vigilance isn't necessary. We try to have open, warm relations with all those parties that are not PD. We know they may give our Christmas card or pictures we mail to my in-laws: we don't care.

That may not be appropriate for you. But remember, if you are kind and not mean, you have nothing to apologize for at any level of contact with which you are comfortable.

[guitarman]

You need to look after yourself and trust your gut, not your head or your heart as they can lie. You realise now that you need to calmly change how you behave to protect yourself from any further harm. Only you can do that. You need to detach yourself.

I know it's easy to want to share how you feel with members of your husband's family but for your own safety and peace of mind you can't any longer. You will only be able to share information with people who have no connection to your husband's family. Maybe you can join a mental health carers group in the future. I know that's not possible at the moment as they have all closed down.

You will need to use Grey Rock and Medium Chill techniques with your husband's side of the family. You will need to set firm boundaries for yourself and stick to them. All this will be for you to live more peacefully and with less trauma and stress.

Other people don't realise what we need to do unless they have been in this situation themselves. Abusers are all about power and control. The less information they have about you to feed their narcissistic supply the less you will become their continued target of abuse.

You are calmly taking back your power. You are calmly taking back control of the situation. That can be very empowering for you.

This is also about trust. If you can't trust someone not to pass any information on then you need to limit what you say to them. Maybe you just paint a rosy picture of your life to your husband's family and say that you have no problems or concerns about anyone or anything. That will be a brick wall that they cannot penetrate no matter how hard they try and press you for more information. They may try to provoke you to anger and push all your buttons to get a reaction but stay cool and calm and don't give them the reaction they crave.

[bloomie]

teddy - for the longest time I didn't understand that someone could be unsafe for me to be in close trusted confidence with because of their associations with truly unsafe people who did not mean me or my marriage and FOC well.

The easy back and forth and sharing I once had with extended in law family members was not in the best interest of my peace of mind and, as you so aptly say, my marriage and family life.

Hard as it has been to accept and live with, my starting gate position with all of my in law family members is to guard my life carefully and offer a neutral, 'putting on beige', polite, kind persona that never goes beneath the surface.  All goes against my natural disposition to be warm, trusting, open, and enthusiastically engaged with others which feels a lot like a betrayal of self, but is actually important distancing that protects and preserves what I treasure most/more.

Because there are sharks in the water and no one is safe in my own situation. Maybe it is similar for you?

[Pepin]

I would have to agree with what Bloomie wrote.  I, too used to get along better with my in-laws....but that was when I was a doormat and trying to fit in.

It wasn't until I became a mother and we started moving onward from toddlerhood that I realized things were not right.  My children were fast on their way toward young adults and I had to start setting a better example for them since I was getting trampled under my own roof.  It was suddenly easy to see that DH's side of the family had many unhealthy behavioral issues....some of it is cultural however.  But I am not of their culture and I *don't* have to tolerate it.  No one told me anything when I got married and there were no demands that I do anything.

Ah....but then PDmil became a widow and the cultural demands exploded.  Ah, NO.  Not going to submit to that and neither are my children.  Too bad.

Ever since FIL passed away I have been setting up boundaries and chopping away dead wood to keep myself and our kids safe.  I am not the same person I was before FIL passed and I will never go back to that.

Our kids have seen the light and I really didn't have much of a hand in it.  They put 2 and 2 together and saw right through the bullSh*t.  The only one that won't admit to all of the unhealthy stuff is DH.  Until he can see that PDMil is the ring leader....and he might not see it until she is gone. 

[teddy2008]

Thank you all for the replies and support.

@Starboard Song - I think you bring something important about the unnecessary vigilance.  I hope someday I do not need to put the walls up so much, but for now it's needed. Sometimes I feel like I can read there minds and their judgments and they are painful to be around. I wish (and working on) being in a place where I'm okay with whatever they say, but its hard for me.

@guitarman - definitely about trust. I've collected enough small moments from each of them passing along some info to each other or the PDMIL that I know now its not safe. 

Going along with what @Bloomie said,  its just so hard when it doesn't feel like myself.  Or that my kids have to see me shut down or act differently around them. Luckily they are still young but someday they will pick up on it.

[Starboard Song]

@Starboard Song - I think you bring something important about the unnecessary vigilance.  I hope someday I do not need to put the walls up so much, but for now it's needed. Sometimes I feel like I can read there minds and their judgments and they are painful to be around. I wish (and working on) being in a place where I'm okay with whatever they say, but its hard for me.

You're doing great. Take your time.