I wrote the NC letter (final version)

[mary_poppins]

Hi all.

It's MarlenaEve with a new account. I couldn't get into my old account, so I needed a new one.
Anyway, the replies I got to my thread about writing a letter or not announce no contact were fantastic and I thank you for that. I now know deep in my heart that leaving that letter to them (or sending it) is the best course of action for me. I'll feel much more peaceful in NC due to the letter.

So I decided to not leave room for a change of mind in the stuff I wrote. I wrote that I do not want to communicate with them anymore and to not be contacted again. I feel so good doing this and knowing that there is no way I'll change my mind now (officially).

I know this is not such a huge thing for some of you who are already NC or have little interaction with your FOO. But for me, the steps I had to take internally to write this letter and decide to assert myself like this were really hard.

Again, thanks for your support.

[Andeza]

I may be off the mark, but please don't judge yourself harshly. Your challenges are valid, and your own journey is rough, but you have chosen your path forward in a way that works for you. That's what matters. It's important to pick the path that provides the greatest peace for your own healing.

If you parent's are at all the stalker type, I might keep a copy of the letter on file.

[SunnyMeadow]

Good for you MarlenaEve. I'm glad you're feeling peace. Keep putting yourself first and protecting your precious emotional health.

[moglow]

So I decided to not leave room for a change of mind in the stuff I wrote. I wrote that I do not want to communicate with them anymore and to not be contacted again. I feel so good doing this and knowing that there is no way I'll change my mind now (officially).

Respect! Just don't feel like you owe us or anyone else an explanation down the road. Things change, people change, your whole life could change. What's important is that you step up and take care of yourself! Be accountable for your own words and actions, and put down the sticks you may be beating yourself with.

[JustKat]

Hi MarlenaEve,

Going NC is a huge life-changing moment and there's really no right or wrong way to do it. No matter how we do it, I think it's pretty normal for us to second-guess ourselves and wonder whether or not we could have handled it better. We were raised to hate ourselves and feel guilty over every little thing so it's just going to happen. What matters is that you chose the path that you felt is best for you. If writing the letter gives you a sense of peace, then you did the right thing.

I'm sorry you got locked out of your main account. Maybe you can contact one of the moderators in the Help area for assistance.

Best of luck to you in sending your letter. Wishing you the peace and happiness you deserve.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Agreed, there's no great way to go NC because it's just an inherently painful thing to need to do. There's what's good for you, and that's good enough. Please don't think it's only hard for you or you're making more of a to-do about it than the rest of us. I can only speak for myself, but remembering that time four years ago... 

 

...Let's just say you aren't being a drama queen here. It is huge. You're doing good.

[Hilltop]

Mary_Poppins, it doesn't matter about the rest of us, the only thing that matters is what is right for you and how you want to handle things.  I would say going NC is a huge decision and even if others did it many years ago, it was probably a huge thing for them at that time when they made that decision.

I sent an email to say I needed space and was happy with that, I kept it and have on a couple of occasions re-read it and was still happy with how I worded it.  Since then I have gone back to limited contact, only via text every now and again and this is working for me.  I say this because you say you are sure you needed to write the letter, well I felt the same way and still to this day I am happy with my wording and actions.  So take it one day at a time but I am hoping you continue to feel good about your decision and actions.

[mary_poppins]

Thanks, everyone. I appreciate all your responses.

Andeza, thanks. I forgot I need a copy of the letter just in case. I'm not sure what can they do if I don't have a copy of the letter on me. But it's better not to risk anything. My mother decides the things I'll do ALL the time. It's like she is absolutely certain I'll act a certain way just because she really wants me to. She definitely won't expect this letter, so it's like I want her to have proof that I want to be out of this family. I don't want her to imagine I am in a mental asylum and NC was the only option for me. BUT, because we are dealing with a PD person here, I will expect her to think of me this way. I actually believe that the majority of those in our family think I have mental health issues just because I refuse to engage with them and attend family events.

[moglow]

MP, they can't do anything. It's your letter, you stating your intention. It's not legally binding on either side and you're both free to do with that information what you will. I'd def keep a copy for myself though, with mine it would for damn sure be thrown back in my face later.

I burned md with one of her own once - unfortunately for mother, she'd left a vile VM and I hadn't deleted it yet. She demanded PROOF that she said what I claimed she said! Well all righty then, I forwarded it right back to her. Complete radio silence, then days later "you took it wrong, that's not what I meant!!" But that's the message, exactly as you left it. "That's not what I meant and you know it!" Actually no, I don't know that, I've replayed it several times now and it was pretty clear. Back pedal back pedal back pedal ... Her voicemails after that sounded pretty scripted, like she was reading them off and not taking chances.

Another lesson learned. 

[Andeza]

My only thought for keeping a copy is if they are stalkerish at all, you've got proof that you tried to end communication if anything were to escalate. I really hope that you never need your copy, and I doubt that you actually will, but others on the forum have had issues in the past and prudence dictates covering your butt.

I kept all the weird, slightly psychotic messages from my uBPDm from before I went NC along with the letter I sent her, just in case. Mine is too lazy to be bothered though.