Dad called said mom crying, wants to die and I must make amends. What to say?

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I saw my parents leave a voicemail on my cell phone last night at midnight. It was unusual, so I listened to it.

My dad said mom had been crying all day non-stop. He said she repeats how she wants God to take her now and wants to die. On the message, I could hear her moaning in the background. Both parents are in their 80's. Mom has dementia. At their age, they have now lost several close friends. I have been No Contact with my GC sibling for five years, which of course they do not understand. I was nearly one year of NC with parents, but reluctantly went VVVLC. Parents have various health issues, and I thought they likely did not have much longer. Five years later, well, here we are.
 
My dad sounded exhausted. Caring for a spouse with increasing signs of dementia would become more challenging to anyone. It is easier however, to look at other things. He said he knows my mother's status would improve greatly if I "make up" with my sister. He ended his message asking that I consider that for the benefit of everyone. Ugh. 
   
First, no, not going to happen.
 
I believe dad is looking for a quick fix, blaming me, demanding I fix it. With my five year departure, this is nothing you just go back to because someone else does not like it. One major factor I believe affecting their status is mom's dementia. I believe she has lost the ability to self-regulate emotions and unless something good is happening in the moment she does not register anything else. I know when dad asked me to make up with my sister, he was including him and my mom as well for having been irresponsible to the family. 

This message was just plain hard to hear. It is going to be hard to reply to. I will likely say something like I do not see that is possible, and suggest that dad regulate mom's medication or do some activity that they enjoy to find some level of happiness. Of course, whatever I reply with that is less than full compliance will only result in more vitriol. 
 
Does anyone have suggestions on how to handle, or what to say?  Thank you.
 
 
 

[notrightinthehead]

How about you leave a voice note back to him yourself, in which you validate their need for harmony in the family and say that you understand that need. You get that they want to feel happy and you get that they request you make up with your sister. You understand that this is their wish. You do wish that they are happy and serene and that whatever years they have left are filled with joy. And you wish the same for yourself. You believe that you are the maker of your own happiness. And therefore you have chosen to behave in a way that offers you a high probability of inner peace and happiness. You hope they find their own path as you have found yours. And you wish them well.

I am curious what others can come up with. And I would love to read what you decide to respond and how that works out.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you, Notright. I like your suggestion. It does not attempt to fix their status as I was thinking of doing by advising my dad to adjust mom's medication. Nor does your suggestion sound defensive, offer justification for my NC, or drag up the past actions that caused my NC. It is a response that addresses my resolve to stay NC and seems peaceful and calm, which is what I want. 

Thank you.

[treesgrowslowly]

Oh Blueberry, my heart goes out to you when I read this message I felt - wow. I don't know what I would do if I got that, it is a hard message to get.

Here's my 2 cents on this:

It is impossible for your mother's dementia to improve as a result of you breaking your NC or VVVLC. That is not how dementia works. Dementia does not improve or go into remission because one's kids made up, or got a better job, or moved closer, or etc etc etc... Sadly that is not how dementia works. Sadly, bad days and depression and emotional dysregulation is part of the condition.

The fact that your dad wants to believe this fantasy about how to get her to have good days again, is a red flag for you to stay very boundaried with him. Which you already know- it comes through in your writing.

I'm sure your dad is exhausted. He's living with someone who has a very very hard condition to care for. This all feels so heavy when I think about their belief that you breaking your NC can fix any of the problems they have in their lives. What???

I kinda want to hammer home how odd this fantasy of theirs is in my view. Some part of us may be tempted to believe we really can fix mom's upset by breaking our NC, or doing some dance the family wants us to dance for them. It doesn't sound like you are falling for this in any way. So that is good. I got a message several years ago trying to guilt me into breaking NC to fix someone's health decline and the logic was just so odd. 

I mean I understand their non-sense belief - they believe that the problems they have, can be fixed if you break your NC (and they probably believe that if only you - blueberry - forgive and forget, all will be ok for them).

I'm familiar with this belief - "hey if Trees goes back to rug sweeping, our entire family would be fixed"! Voila! Ugh.

I'm sorry...but your dad's predicament- having to care for a wife with dementia, won't be any easier if you go through a rug sweeping dance with them. This is their fantasy. And it is not grounded in reality at all. He'll still have to take care of her as best he can. You see it - you wrote that you can see he's looking for a quick fix , and looking to you to fix "it".

All I can say is that breaking your NC doesn't have the power to soothe or treat your mom's dementia nor does it solve any of your dad's (very real) problems or stresses. Even if you and your siblings become best friends tomorrow, your mom still has dementia and will have really hard days due to the condition she has.

Your suggestion for your dad to focus on her care - her medications, her daily states, is very wise.

I've seen this over and over in our community here. A family member has a crisis (i.e. medical condition) and the family puts pressure on us to go back INTO the FOG because "so and so's condition means you have to come back into the flock and you have to go back into the fog to be with us".

How many of us have seen some version of this? Where the family tells us "you have to sweep it all under the rug - your needs, your pain, your need for boundaries, your hurt from the abuse, your healing space, because so and so will get better if you do that dance for us one more time".   

Blueberry I am so sorry you got that message. I can't say for sure what I would do in your situation. I might just send them some information / videos on how to care for someone with dementia, and ignore the request to break my NC.

You don't want to feel exploited for being the caring, compassionate person that you are. Your NC was to take care of yourself in the face of very real issues that (as you wrote) your parents don't understand.

Sometimes it helps to ask ourselves "what do I want to do for these people at this point, given how they have treated me throughout my life".

The fact that you sense you'll get vitriol from your dad says a lot about why you made the brave decision to stay VVVLC. He has no right to take his anger out on you.

Hugs to you,

Trees

[square]

Just wanted to say 2 things:

1- if you actually went to the very height of their dreams, lovingly embraced your sister, apologized to the whole family for whatever, acted joyous about the close reunion of the whole family, called and visited left and right, jumped in to fix everything and soothe everyone.

It would make your mom happy for a day.

One.

Day.

Maybe not even that, I don't know.

There is nothing you can do to fix any of this, not her dementia, not her feelings, not her personality, nothing.

2- this problem doesn't belong to you. You don't have to have suggestions for your dad, or a well reasoned response that makes perfect logical sense but will not be heard, understood, or accepted. At most you can just say to your dad that it sounds tough. Sounds like he had a hard day. It's a shame you can't do anything about it. Oh, he thinks you can? "Well, I wish that were possible." "Would be nice if that would work." "Not able to do that, no." "It's a real shame." "Won't work." "Can't." "No."

Hugs.

[Tribe16]

Oh Blueberry. My heart goes out to you more than you know. It is so debilitating to hear these kinds of messages. What to say? I wish I had a good answer. I don't think there is a "good" answer, their are logical, efficacious, protective answers but good?

I realize this week there are likely never, ever going to be acknowledgements of any kind from emotionally immature parents about their role in estrangement.

I am saying goodbye to my enmeshed father this week for the last time. It fits of agitation and delerium he keeps repeating, "Why can't you get along with your mom? What did you do to her?" I haven't spoken to her other than extremely minimal texting. Last night my sister called after speaking to my mother - she said mom remarked "I don't know why Tribe16 is so mad at me!"

So I am driving away today, finding a lake with some pine trees, taking a walk to clear my head, dropping the rope and knowing they are incapable of getting it.

Whatever answer you get, I hope you will protect your heart and soul first and foremost because you can't live without those things, if you give them away to your parents, you've got nothing.

[moglow]

Mom is likely very confused and lost (even more than before), dementia does that. Is it so unheard of for him to simply comfort her in whatever way seems best at the moment? I'm gonna just say it: if this were all about soothing and easing mom through a tough time/day, dad could tell her all is well. Provide some distraction for her. Pretend. Lie. Go along to get along when she's stirred up. But no he's laying it at your feet like you can somehow fix it *for him*.

As pointed out above, even if you and sis reached some understanding, that's not going to affect mom - and she could still remain locked in the past or wherever she is.

You can absolutely feel compassion for them and still not be able to fix it. Let's consider compassion and empathy for yourself here, since they seem unable to provide. Give yourself room to breathe here rather than the smothering dad seems compelled to inflict. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yikes. That's really manipulative and awful, I'm so sorry you received that message. You've gotten really good perspective. Even if you would do as your dad wants, it wouldn't fix your mom or make her happy for more than a fleeting moment.

What it would permit, is for your dad to pretend just a little bit that the emperor's got his clothes back. And he can be in control of you, at least. You are so right, it's easier for him to look at other things. Asking you to take the hit for "everyone's benefit." Egads. You are NC for a reason. Your needs are neither understood nor cared about here, clearly.

[JenniferSmith]

Maybe it would help to look at it in very simple terms - that having ease and harmony in family relationships is something most of us want, regardless of whether we act in ways to create and nourish it or not.  It is painful when we don't have that in our family, and it sounds like your parents are feeling that pain, and expressing it.

A temptation when we are in pain can be to try to quickly figure out how to solve it or fix it, and often if we're the person listening to someone else's pain, we can have those same impulses.  Maybe you can experiment with taking a step back and gently telling yourself that your parents are feeling some pain from a lack of family harmony, and then sit with that for a while. Letting go of the story around the pain. Just two parents feeling some pain. And you feeling pain too. A whole family feeling pain due to a lack of ease and harmony, and how much all of them wanted so much for it to have been different.

After meditating on that for a bit, and taking time to get in touch with and accept your own feelings about it, see what comes to mind in terms of how you want to respond.

(I will also share that when my dad was in his decline leading to his death, he also expressed similar wishes. Sadly, it was too late for my siblings and I to get along with each other in the way that he wanted us to. Decades of dysfunction, etc.)

[Mathilda]

This is an awful situation and I'm really sorry for you.

I've been in a similar situation 2,5 years ago, so I know how confusing this can be.

My mom has also dementia and dad had written me a letter that mom's health was declining, she had lost her appetite and she had lost a lot of weight. In that same letter he wrote "every day mom looks out of the window to see if she sees you, she misses you terribly".

He didn't say it literally, but ofcourse he, conciously or not, implied that she had lost her will to live because she missed me so much. And he ended his letter with a plea "please, please come back. Your loving parents." So I felt awful and I didn't know what to do.

And I wasn't so sure there really was any connection between mom's loss of appetite and her missing me, because I had already been NC before mom got dementia and I never got the impression that she missed me.

I wrote a letter back to my dad that I could understand his feelings of despair. That dementia is a terrible disease, that can cause al sorts of problems, including a loss of appetite. That I was willing to help them with practical things if they wanted, but that I could not make mom eat. That he should discuss this with their case worker or their GP.  I offered to contact their GP for them. That maybe it would be best if mom would go to a nursing home.

Ofcourse that wasn't what they wanted to hear. So I got an angry letter back from brother, blaming me for the bad relationship and warning me that *he thought* mom only had a few months to live. I gave a short response, stated there were probably a lot of things he didn't understand about our relationship, but that I was in no way accountable to him.

Long story short, after several months mom finally went to nursing home. She lives in the nursing home now for a year and a half. She's still very much alive. When I spoke to my uncle last June he told me her appetite has increased and she's even gained some weight.
Last year I had told my uncle I was willing to go and visit her if she asked for me. But she never has.

I know this is a very difficult situation, but stay rational and calm and please do not let them manipulate you.

[Cat of the Canals]

Just wanted to say 2 things:

1- if you actually went to the very height of their dreams, lovingly embraced your sister, apologized to the whole family for whatever, acted joyous about the close reunion of the whole family, called and visited left and right, jumped in to fix everything and soothe everyone.

It would make your mom happy for a day.

One.

Day.

Maybe not even that, I don't know.

 

It's a silly request, in my opinion. Maybe made out of desperation, but your relationship with your sister has nothing -- N O T H I N G -- to do with your mother's dementia.

I like notintherighthead's suggestion because it is loving to them AND yourself without giving any real merit to this ridiculous request. It's not your job to make alternate suggestions -- they probably don't want them anyway. That's not what this is actually about. This is about getting Blueberry Pancakes to toe the damn line!

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you for the insightful replies. I feel like nobody could understand why you would not reply to an aging parent's desperate plea unless you lived these dynamics.     
         
I was unsure when I was going to return their call, but dad called this morning and I decided to answer. I started to say I have peace in my life and will not be altering to a course that could divert from that. Before I could finish, he interrupted saying he could not believe I have peace with this and abruptly said Bye. So much for that. I do not know if or when I will speak to them again. 
                   
Trees - Yes, I agree about the fantasy view they hold. You make good points about dementia, and my level of contact will not cure any of that.
 
Square - Great insight on just making her happy for the moment. The only lasting impact would be on me, and it would be a negative one. I agree I did not need any reply to him let alone a rational one. You wrote it would not be understood, and it wasn't.
                   
Tribe - Interesting point about emotionally immature parents not seeing their role in estrangement. I am indeed protecting my heart from the answer I got. It is necessary. I like your approach on walking in nature and clearing your head.
       
Moglow - Excellent point about having compassion, but not fixing it. Also good about having empathy for myself. I agree 100% my dad is smothering (still, and always). He has no other operating mode. I appreciate you recognizing that, and also that I need not jump as called. Thank you. 
     
Cordelia - I agree this is a manipulative act. I do believe my dad was motivated to still believe he can control a situation (dementia, estrangement) that is beyond his grasp. My needs not being cared about, perhaps even denied, is what came through to me in my dad's actions.

Jennifer - Interesting point about what people do out of pain, and that mostly people want peace. I like the approach to get in touch with my own feelings before responding. I do that, and interestingly frequently find my initial reaction is not what I end up doing. I think it is about not reacting emotionally, but from a place of balance. 

Mathilda - Thanks for understanding. Our stories do seem similar. I agree they imply that they will resume the will to live if we re-enter their life. Actually, my dad told me that directly a few years ago. Since mom is still here I guess it shows nobody has that much power over someone else's life. I suppose those with PD though will not acknowledge that because they lose it as a tool to manipulate. 
 
Cat - Great point about not making recommendations as it is not what they really want. They want me to come back in line. I do not think this is about reason. To me, it seems more about manipulation. Thank you.