Centre of the Hurricane

[practical]

When it turns out that the centre of the hurricane kind of held it all together, what are you left with?

M is dead 5 years now, soon after I found this website in one last attempt to make sense of what had happened and why.  As I learned about the dynamic with her, I also understood more and more how it was a whole family system had centered around her, none of it healthy, including me with my attempts to hold it all together, to make it better, hyper-sense of responsibility and other codependent behaviours.

F filled the void she had left in a split second, became the centre of the hurricane. He had had his own unhealthy dynamic while she lived, produced his share of drama and chaos, but compared to her he had seemed so rational, so normal even loving. My view of what was normal was totally distorted from having lived inside the hurricane for so long. My ideas of what was normal were all topsy-turvy, kind of what you would expect if you live in a hurricane.

With the help of all the people and resources from Out of the FOG, I slowly managed to step outside the hurricane that was FOO, see it for what it was, understand my own part in it, work on myself. Because I stepped outside and insisted on staying outside, F sent me to hell and broke off contact. This left me with B and the realization that we didn't have a relationship beyond dealing with the hurricane, worse, that our dynamic without the focus on resolving the latest crises was unhealthy as well. As I tried to limit contact with this last FOO member, again I got push back in the form of more unhealthy behaviour. Ultimately this relationship ended due to a change of circumstances.

5 years after M's death I have no FOO left. My life is much quieter, much less stress, and in so far better, but I still miss having a family. In a healthy family, people might share memories on the death anniversary of a beloved one, but there is no beloved one, there is no family and the memories I rather leave to rest. Recently it would have been my parents wedding anniversary, again no positive thoughts, just "it should never have happened". For me these days are reminders of what I never had and therefore there cannot be in the here and now. Instead of warm, positive thoughts, a smile, there is grayish veil.

Days like these leave me wistful, melancholic -- but ultimately also grateful for having been able to step outside the enormous force of the hurricane, for the support I have received here to get there, and for that inexplicable core strength within me that helped me through it all, kept me from getting lost in the hurricane and is still helping me.

[Psuedonym]

But, you are the hurricane, practical. You survived all this, and you came out the other side. You are a force of nature and you are the one that endures. You're the one who's unstoppable.

[Amadahy]

Oh Practical, yes.  We've tried so hard and even told ourselves there were good times. I realized that outside my trying and trying and trying on holidays, special occasions, etc that there were no good times, just my fervent wish of good times.  It is so strange to have put so much energy into something and have no family to show for it.  But, you do have a deep well of wisdom and you have helped so many here ... I hope that is small consolation.  When my Nmom passes, my only sister and I likely will not remain in "relationship" either -- that is, she won't have anything to tell me to do.  LOL.  It is sad and lonesome, maybe especially with fall coming on, when things seem to die.  But, then spring comes, full of new life and hope.  I agree with Psuedonym, you are a force of nature, and so very worthy of more than you received.  xoxo

[xredshoesx]

thinking of you practical-

your wisdom always resonates with me-

[SunnyMeadow]

I agree with all who wrote above. You are worthy of much more than you received. I'm happy you're here, offering wisdom and advice to others.

Thankfully you stepped out of the hurricane!

[Adrianna]

It is true that in order to save yourself, you had to leave the hurricane behind. Walking away from the chaos was the best thing you could have done. There is no peace to be had inside a hurricane. It's fight or flight mode.

I know I'm much calmer on an internal level since I walked out of that storm. They occasionally try to suck me back in, but I'm keeping a safe distance. I'm very very low contact with both of them. It's like an internal engine of stress has shut down inside of me. I can honestly say I've never in my life experienced this level of physical calm. I still have anxiety but that underlying anger seems to be letting up. I'm grateful for the peace.

I still cringe when I see their number on the phone but thankfully I don't hear from them much now. Once they know you're not a good servant anymore, you become useless to them. Fine by me.

I know when my father goes he's leaving a mess behind, no estate planning, house is in shambles, cluttered, has money still in my mother's name and she's been dead almost 4 years. There's nothing I can do about it. If I outlive him I'll have to deal with it then. His attitude really comes down to "why should I care, I'll be dead. You can deal with it." I try to not think about it.  To try to convince him to get his affairs in order means walking back into that hurricane. Begging, pleading, trying to reason with him. That's a big nope from me.

If he goes into a nursing home I would have no desire to visit. Same with his mother right now. I used to think all children were horrible for not visiting their parents in a home, now I wonder about the parent "what did you do to them?"

I too get wistful and nostalgic sometimes trying to remember good times. Good memories. I don't have many. In fact I have very few memories of my childhood. It's a blank.

You're a beacon of light on this board. You're a kind, sensitive person. I met someone recently who had to walk away from his entire toxic family also and what courage that took, to save himself. It's better to be alone and healthy than have "family" in a hurricane any day.

[Spring Butterfly]

Sending warm thoughts and wishes for peace your way. Always so appreciate your insights.

[practical]

Thank you for all your thoughts and encouragement. I'm feeling better again.

My life is definitely much better for having walked away from the hurricane. I cannot even imagine what dimension it would have taken on due to the pandemic  And I do feel stronger as now I have a lot more energy for myself instead of expending it in an unwinable fight with the hurricane. I have also time to feel my sadness when it comes, to make space for it and take care of myself, something I wasn't necessarily able to do in the past, partially because I ignored it, partially because I had gone numb to it, partially because I didn't have time for it being too involved with taking care of the hurricane, which back then was much more important than self-care.