Parents who didn't teach basic life skills

[AD]

I'm wondering if this is another commonality. For example, there are all sorts of things that pretty much everyone I know learned as a child (how to swim, for example) that I never did. I can think of others: skating, skiing. I really wanted to learn to play an instrument, but my parents did nothing to facilitate that or encourage the interest. I've mentioned this to my Mom as an adult, and she said something like "we would not have known where to get you lessons". I responded that she knew our neighbour took lessons and could have asked who the teacher was - no response.

I guess it fits with them just generally not being interested or caring all that much. They are also really weird about money, so I'm sure they would have panicked at the idea of having to pay for lessons for anything.

[JollyJazz]

Hi AD,

Oh yes, my FOO did this too. The short answer is the cost and time it might take... I had to get lessons myself for driving because my FOO refused to teach me enough to allow me to get my drivers licence. I am going to get lessons as an adult for a musical instrument as well.

I'm sorry you went through this

[Boat Babe]

Would that it were only the extracurricular stuff. My mother never showed me how to brush my teeth, use toilet paper or how to engage in polite conversation with people  Ballet lessons were what happened to other kids.

[D.Dan]

Yeah, no extracurricular activities either.

The skills my upd mom should've taught me but refused

- cooking (I learned from the food packages and in the cooking classes I took in high school)
- cleaning (learned through trial and error, I either got in trouble for doing it wrong, or ignored when I did it correctly)
- sewing (read about it in a costume book from the school library)
- home repair (handed putty and putty knife and told to make it smooth)
- shaving (told to use a razor and soap and figure it out)
- how to use tampons (read the instructions on the box)
- how to put on makeup (still don't quite know how)
- how to dress in clothes that fit me (she only gave me too large shirts and pants that were baggy on me, usually for men)
- to drive (I hired a private instructor and also used his vehicle for my test)
- budgeting (apparently my allowance was her savings, I wasn't allowed to spend it)
- shopping (we had no say while shopping, we were just there to carry the bags)
- how to use public transportation (I had to ask people at school about this)
- what size bra to wear (she let me buy 1 bra for my teen years)
- laundry (learned from the laundry detergent box)
- dishes (again trial and error)
- toothbrushing (learned from Sesame Street))
- how to bathe (learned from Sesame Street also)
- safety (I learned most of my safety skills from kids tv shows)
- academic skills were all learned at school

Wow! My upd mom was quite the deadbeat parent... This also explains my love of finding instructions for things! 

[Thru the Rain]

D.Dan - You sound like we have the same Mother!

The one small difference - I was able to sign up for driver's ed through the public school system. But I had to go figure out how to sign up, no way were either of my parents willing to help.

[Frankie14]

D.Dan same..

Tampons/pads -  I actually had to shoplift if I didn't have enough baby-sitting money because parents would not provide them (yes, shoplift personal items), I was not given an allowance and had no access to any money.
Dental appointments - were few and far between, if we kids had cavities, and they cost a copay to fill, they were left to rot.  It took me about 10 years to get my dental work under control btwn the ages of 23 - 33 (first real paying job) and I have had life long dental issues due to the childhood neglect, (root canals, crowns).
No eye doctor appointments, (I needed glasses, didn't get them until I was an adult).
My middle sibling failed the scoliosis test at school - father threw her results in the trash and she never got a back brace (she is a hunchback to this day at 46 due to never getting it fixed as a child).
No one taught me to drive - I never got a book to learn the rules of the road, thus when I made my own appointment at 16 for my DMV test I promptly failed the driving.  So, I started 'taking the car' without my mother or father (my Mother said take it, teach yourself to drive and if you get caught I will tell the cops you stole the car).  So, I taught myself to drive on our few street cul de sac, so I booked the next drivers test, I passed the driven, but failed the written as I never got a DMV book, so DMV game me a book to study and I retook test a month later and passed the 3rd time.  At no time was drivers Ed offered, when all of my friends were in drivers ed.
No SAT courses - took the SAT with no prep whatsoever, tho all my friends were in SAT courses.
Never learned to sew, brush teeth properly, no one supervised, never taught to cook, clean, use make up (I read that in magazines and my friends).
No help with homework or taught how to study properly.
Shaving - I figured out from magazines (if could not afford razors thru babysitting money, had to shoplift razors).
Clothing, they would not provide once I turned 15, I had to again shoplift clothing or use babysitting money to buy clothing.  I had to wear floods and too tight shirts if not..
Bought my first bra and all bras thereafter (baby-sitting only or the old 5 finger discount once again).

Were we short on money, nope, my PD father was a high paid white collar employee with medical insurance and dental insurance, but he refused to pay co-pays for visits, so I can count on one hand how many x I went to the doctor as a child.

When I was pregnant with my first child, I found out I was not immune to ANYTHING, I was given an initial vaxx as a child, but no boosters...so while pregnant I was not immune to rubella, measles, mumps, small pox, chicken pox...I had to get vaccinated as an adult after my 2nd child, as my OB didn't let me leave the hospital with out the vaxx's..
As a child, we regularly ran out of toilet paper, paper towels, toothpaste, dishwashing soap, laundry detergent, food and dog food.
I learned to do dishes, laundry and keep my (once an adult home stocked with supplies and food) by making mental notes from my friends mother's homes.

Orthodontics - my teeth were very crooked, so I when I was 16 went with my friend to her ortho appt and begged the ortho to give me braces, he said I needed a parent to bring me, I said that was not going to happen.  What he did do was do my molds, put the braces on then bill my Dad, 9x out of 10 my dad refused to pay his bill so while I had the braces ON MY Teeth the ortho refused to tighten them until my Dad paid, so I was in braces for 3 years for a 16 months job b/c my Dad refused to pay this bill.  At 19 I finally had the ortho take the braces off my teeth; they were still crooked, better but crooked (yes I had to go into braces as an adult to fix that mess/paid for it myself).

I was not given any allowance and if I could not babysit I did not have money.  None.  Until I was 18 I didn't have access to a vehicle to get to a job to provide for myself.  When I babysat I had to walk, as a teenager in the 80's alone sometimes 1-2 miles at 12-1-2-3 am whenever my clients came home and walked home...
There was not a moment of caring, concern, about any of the above for me in any way. 
The parents did not care if my teeth rotted, didn't care where I got the clothing I was wearing, didn't care how I got to or from my babysitting jobs. 

Was not allowed to go to Prom because it would have cost money.  My 2nd prom I was asked to, I didn't tell the parents about it, I said I was babysitting went to my BFF house, her mother leant me a dress of hers and I was picked up from their house, my BFF mother still has the photos.  I never even got one.  The boy paid for the limo and the prom tickets.

The Sadie Hawkins dances (girls ask/pay) I could not go to, no money for tickets, no money for a dress, was told NO.

There was ONE extra curricular I did - gymnastics-  but if it cost money, I had to quit. I also had no way to get to and from..so I had to bum rides as a little girl and once I was a teenager would bum rides or hitch-hike.
If I had a gymnastics try out - neither parent would take me, bummed rides or hitch hike - yes It was the 80's..scary times..
There was not a parent at any try outs for me, they never watched me compete when I made my HS gymnastics team, my coaches gave me old unitards and used warm ups, the parents would not consider anything that cost money or their time. 
It never occurred to them to take any interest in anything I ever did.  If I lost a meet and was upset, I was told to, "shut up, no one cares."  I learned never to say anything to the parents about any aspect of my life, to this day 30 years later am complete NR or gray rock.

It was a crap childhood this much I can tell you; did it make me stronger, you bet.  Would I wish it on anyone, No Way.

I felt like an orphan that lived with other people in the house, there was no GC, there were just 3 invisible children...

I have never missed a try out for my children, we taught my oldest how to drive, braces on the teeth (no cavities for our kids so far/we taught them how to brush), my home is stocked with paper towels, tooth paste, food..all vaccinations up to date...I learned what to do by watching my friends parents..and DOING THAT...

How I made up for the shoplifting, I would leave extra money in every tin can at any register I saw for I want to say 20 years after I was a 14-16 little thief..was not stealing for any thrill, was doing to literally as I had no other choice. *I guess I could have gone to Good Will, but I didn't even know it existed as a child.

[logistics]

GC had music lessons. Me no money or time for music lessons. GC was in sports. We went to events. No time for my sporting events. Never went to a game. Wouldn't provide my things. Even asked if I was on the team. My own parents. Eventually dropped out. Never went ti movies or events. I never knew the current events except those surrounding my parents.

[StayWithMe]

I can see now that my parents never taught me / created an environment for learning the soft but oh so important skils of life:

1. Time management.  My mother had no sense of planning.  Would never ask me to do anything in advance so I could make my schedule.  Everything she wanted me to do was RIGHT NOW.  Family plans, get togehters I would learn about the afternoon of.......  If they wanted me to pick up a relative from the airport (a hour roundtrip) I would learn about it at the same time I needed to leave for it.

2. My mother never taught me to cook.  She wasn't much a of a cook herself.  Any effort that I made to do so, she would follow me around the kitchen and complain.  "Oh, I could make a whole meal out of that yolk you left in the spoon........"  I would hear weeks later how I elft the kitchen a mess.  I taught myself how to make quiche.  My father tried to make a joke out of that for the next 50 years.

3. Discretion.  I realise now that I was never really able to choose my friends.  Anything less than enthusiastic forthcoming ness was met with scorn; I don't try hard enough; no one is ever going to like you and so on.  Then I started to notice that people I did get along with my mother would make vague negative comments about.  Since my mother is member ofseveral comunity groups, she would often have tickets to activities.  One time she told me that if I wanted to invite a certain friend, she would not let me have them.  I like reminding her abouot that because she has a word salad to explain it away.

I list some more later on.

[AD]

These stories are so sad. I'm sorry, everyone.

My Mom at least made sure we had our vaccinations and went to regular dental cleanings, etc., though all of this was covered by insurance. The dentist also recommended braces, but once it was clear that insurance wouldn't cover it, the answer was no.

I did get driving lessons, but only because I had access to them through my school.

Other things mentioned, like any kind of self care, I also just figured out for myself. I know that I was always really lonely, but I don't know if it occurred to me that my parents should have been involved and helping me with these types of things.

I never really learned to do homework or study, as my parents didn't seem to care about what was happening at school. Luckily I tended to do well, but any kind of basic guidance in terms of self-discipline, organizing, even learning basic tidying skills, would have been helpful - I feel like I still struggle with some of these things.

[proudblacksheep]

Count me in as well. 
I didn't have it nearly as bad as others on this thread (had  healthcare, personal needs, did sports), but, as the  "bad child" I was allowed to run free from about 10 or so on (due to my Mom's *complete* focus on GC), which put me in several situations that I was not prepared for, and made it easier me to turn into a teen druggie starting at around 12-13.  I count myself lucky to have survived my adolescence (as I'm sure many others are).  I'm 47 and been sober for many years, so I guess not complaints  - in the end, it made me stronger, but, as others have said, I would not wish it on anyone

Our house was filthy growing up (which left me without much basic housekeeping skills)

My parents were ALWAYS short on time for EVERYTHING (and late to everything), and were also ALWAYS in financial crisis (despite being dual income white collar), and when I got to college (which I paid for, unlike GC who got full ride to a University of California), I realized that I was always late to everything, and had zero study skills or self discipline relative to most other students (which is also when I started waking up to the fact that I may have had a "nonstandard" childhood).   It took awhile, but my wife of 22 years got me to arrive on time and to be financially responsible

[Marinette]

Hi all,
Yep- can totally relate!
My unPD mother did not teach me ( i.e. did not even mention anything about):
1. Puberty/ changes in your body/ period and what to do when you get your period.  I was clueless.
2. Personal grooming habits. I was never taught to shave my legs, use deodorant, take care of my nails, style my hair, use make up etc.  I had absolutely no idea what to do until much later when all other girls looked attractive and stylish and I was an ugly awkward teen.
3. Extra curricular activities. I was only allowed piano lessons because my mother took piano lessons. That's it. She was too self-absorbed to think of anything else I could be interested in because SHE only did piano. I hated piano.
4. Cooking and cleaning. I was absolutely useless. She didn't even try to involve me in cooking or cleaning. I didn't know how to do anything until age 26 when I moved to another country and was living on my own. 
I took cooking lessons, and my husband taught me how to clean. To this day, I am not good at cleaning but I discovered I am a fabulous cook.
5.  Financial management, saving.
My parents had no clue about financial management and savings. My father was successful at one point and ran a business but ended up spending everything and losing his business.
He spent mindlessly and made very poor decisions. They are not In a good situation now since neither bothered to save.
6. Emotional management .
My parents were/are highly immature and do not know how to manage/understand emotions.  They constantly freaked out, yelled, lashed out, became depressed etc.   
I am proud to say I have 2 young children and  I make sure I don't repeat any of my ubPD parents' patterns.

[proudblacksheep]

Hi all,
Yep- can totally relate!
My unPD mother did not teach me ( i.e. did not even mention anything about):
1. Puberty/ changes in your body/ period and what to do when you get your period.  I was clueless.
2. Personal grooming habits. I was never taught to shave my legs, use deodorant, take care of my nails, style my hair, use make up etc.  I had absolutely no idea what to do until much later when all other girls looked attractive and stylish and I was an ugly awkward teen.
3. Extra curricular activities. I was only allowed piano lessons because my mother took piano lessons. That's it. She was too self-absorbed to think of anything else I could be interested in because SHE only did piano. I hated piano.
4. Cooking and cleaning. I was absolutely useless. She didn't even try to involve me in cooking or cleaning. I didn't know how to do anything until age 26 when I moved to another country and was living on my own. 
I took cooking lessons, and my husband taught me how to clean. To this day, I am not good at cleaning but I discovered I am a fabulous cook.
5.  Financial management, saving.
My parents had no clue about financial management and savings. My father was successful at one point and ran a business but ended up spending everything and losing his business.
He spent mindlessly and made very poor decisions. They are not In a good situation now since neither bothered to save.
6. Emotional management .
My parents were/are highly immature and do not know how to manage/understand emotions.  They constantly freaked out, yelled, lashed out, became depressed etc.   
I am proud to say I have 2 young children and  I make sure I don't repeat any of my ubPD parents' patterns.

I have to salute you for #6 ("...I am proud to say I have 2 young children and  I make sure I don't repeat any of my ubPD parents' patterns.") in particular.  This the the best thing we can do to stop this madness - eradicate the craziness through introspection and doing our best to not pass on the disease to the next generation.

[JustKat]

I was forbidden from doing anything that would have taught me life skills.

I wasn't allowed to help with any housework, so ended up not knowing how to cook, run a dishwasher, do laundry, clean the house, etc.
Like D.Dan, was only given a training bra and after that was on my own.
Was also not told about my period. The day it happened she threw a pad at me and screamed "just use this and get to school."
Wasn't allowed to shave or wear makeup. Had no personal grooming skills at all.
Begged for music lessons but wasn't allowed, even though my sister and GC brother both got them.

The list goes on and on. When I left home at 18 I was completely incapable of caring for myself. I was like a 12-year-old with her first apartment. I clogged the toilet, broke the stove, made a mess of everything. It was horrible and terribly embarrassing.

[Andeza]

Our parents sucked at explaining puberty in general it seems...

My M was late to the party! I got my period before she'd explained anything to me. Seems that since she got hers at age X she automatically assumed I would as well, because you know, I'm an extension of herself and doomed to do everything like her (not). I beat her to it by almost two years, yay me. Ugh.

My enF refused to discuss finances with me at all. I'm still terrified of screwing up my taxes. We didn't really have money to do anything I ever wanted to do because of M's "medical problems" and the medications that followed en masse. I remember her packing for trips to visit relatives and legitimately having two, gallon size freezer bags full of pill bottles. Family vacations were usually local and cheap as a result.

I can't cook, but neither could she so that would be barking up the wrong tree anyway. I can however bake up a storm. Cookies, pies, and brownies, yeah. Just not cake it's a disaster.

I hate cleaning because at a certain age she left a list of things I was to do with no explanation of how. Of course I did everything wrong... However looking back, I realize she was cleaning everything wrong... Also I was never given any incentive to do these things, and I'm a very incentive based person. I gotta get something out of it! At least some praise would be nice, or thanks that she didn't have to do it and I was really helping her out. Nope. Nothing.

Makeup? I never asked her for help with that and learned how to after I went to college. Her makeup was awful so why ask? If I ever want to look like a deliberately tired and frumpy woman then I'll start taking notes.

Hair? Same. Plus I have some really weird aversions concerning my hair, might be a sensory thing. For some reason she thought she was capable of cutting my hair for ages (trying to save money for drugs -oops I mean medications- I guess) and I would literally melt down. It was awful, as were the haircuts. She thought straight across bangs were cute. I mean, the front of my hair looked like a bowl cut for pity's sake!

Emotional management! Yes that one too! My enF did not/does not know how to have a conversation without shouting and swearing. My M... eh, well that's more complicated but she didn't have any skills in that area to actually pass on to me. I was very emotionally repressed as a result for a long time, but only recently started being able to communicate exactly how I feel in constructive manners.

She didn't know how to teach me how to study, because again I'm just an extension of herself right? So when her method didn't work she essentially threw her hands in the air and told me to figure it out. So I didn't study at all. Turns out I'm the weirdo that either gets it the first time or doesn't. More often than not I get it, so the grades were always good.

Hobbies? Yeah, no. Go read a book she'd tell me. So I did, until there were no more books left. I could dig through a stack, a very nice stack, of books in short order. They couldn't keep enough books in the house to keep me busy. She thought for the longest time that she could read books ahead of me and make sure they were age appropriate. Ha! I was devouring up to 10k pages worth per year, or more! She finally gave up because I bugged her nonstop "Are you done yet, are you done yet?" Over and over. Finally, she just handed me the books after a glance at the first few pages. Books taught me a lot of life skills when she failed to. Many thanks to the wonderful authors that enriched my childhood.

[JustKat]

Hair? Same. Plus I have some really weird aversions concerning my hair, might be a sensory thing. For some reason she thought she was capable of cutting my hair for ages (trying to save money for drugs -oops I mean medications- I guess) and I would literally melt down. It was awful, as were the haircuts. She thought straight across bangs were cute. I mean, the front of my hair looked like a bowl cut for pity's sake!

Wow, I feel like we had the same mother. Mine also insisted on cutting my hair herself and did that thing with the straight across bangs. She'd put tape across them and cut them straight and super-short. She'd always do it the day before our school photos. I looked like a freak and was always close to tears having my picture taken. When I got older she stopped cutting my hair, probably because I was able to stand up for myself and wouldn't let her near me with the scissors. I was never allowed to go to a salon, though. Either she cut it, or I was a shaggy mess, but there was no way I was going to get $20 to have a professional hairdresser trim it. I was an adult before I ever saw the inside of a hair salon.

[Andeza]

Oh good heavens I forgot about the tape... Where did they get this stuff? PD school or something?

Mine would occasionally let me get my hair cut, but only after I too stood up to her. Not that I knew what I wanted for ages after that.

[Freeatforty]

Hair? Same. Plus I have some really weird aversions concerning my hair, might be a sensory thing. For some reason she thought she was capable of cutting my hair for ages (trying to save money for drugs -oops I mean medications- I guess) and I would literally melt down. It was awful, as were the haircuts. She thought straight across bangs were cute. I mean, the front of my hair looked like a bowl cut for pity's sake!

Wow, I feel like we had the same mother. Mine also insisted on cutting my hair herself and did that thing with the straight across bangs. She'd put tape across them and cut them straight and super-short. She'd always do it the day before our school photos. I looked like a freak and was always close to tears having my picture taken. When I got older she stopped cutting my hair, probably because I was able to stand up for myself and wouldn't let her near me with the scissors. I was never allowed to go to a salon, though. Either she cut it, or I was a shaggy mess, but there was no way I was going to get $20 to have a professional hairdresser trim it. I was an adult before I ever saw the inside of a hair salon.

Same here! I also had those ridiculous bangs although I had a cowlick and that meant that I always had an "antenna" of hair at my forehead. I went to the hairdresser for the first time when I was 25 and got my first proper haircut. Mother said: "Well, now you look like everybody else."

[HeadAboveWater]

I was able to do extracurriculars, thank goodness, or I would have been far too isolated and stir crazy. Though once I was older than 13 I usually had to arrange for my own rides to get home. This meant that I had very few outside-of-school social activities for a few years until I met older kids who were able to drive.

I do remember taking on household chores that I couldn't quite manage myself between ages 9 and 11. If I needed laundry done, I was the one who had to run it through the washer. My mother would never, ever iron, so I had to keep uniform shirts and cotton trousers pressed. We didn't have a regular system for keeping bathrooms and bedrooms clean, so I sort of figured it out along the way, reading cleaning supply bottles. Thank goodness a science teacher once explained what happens when one mixes ammonia and bleach.   

My father, who did not have primary custody of us children, explained a lot of basic hygiene to me. He would make me clean under my fingernails and require that I shower when I visited him. He also introduced me to basic skin care, like moisturizer for my ashy, flaky skin and chapstick. 

It got really hard when I was a teen and I became surly and angry (not a surprise when one's custodial parent is PD). I was pretty much discarded by 15. My father tried to remedy the care I was not receiving by setting up a bank account with debit card so that I could purchase clothing and hygiene supplies. But I never got any further life skills instruction from that time. Social conflict resolution, dating, budgeting, household planning -- I figured it all out on my own. I hired a driving instructor when it came time to learn. Applying to university and deferring enrollment and all the attendant legal documents were something I sorted out entirely on my own. Unfortunately for me, the only conflict resolution I saw my parents model was lashing out angrily. I took that into my early adulthood and jobs; I believed that it was incumbent upon me to smooth most things over because yelling just seemed really out of order. And when something happened that did require me to stand up for myself, I was a shouty, abusive jerk. It was awful and isolating. It makes me really sad to realize that I was in my late 30's before I figured out so many of these basic life skills that I could have mastered when much younger.   

[Andeza]

It would seem our PD moms all went to the same seminar about how to cut hair badly...

Headabovewater, you bring up an excellent point about working. I too didn't know how to handle conflict, although unfortunately that meant I didn't know how to stand up for myself for years. Yelling also seemed just wrong, and still does. I don't raise my voice, but these days I don't have to. Even working with truckers, I can back them down with a look now. That and kill them with facts; they really hate logic surprisingly. I will say working with them gives you thick skin and a backbone in a hurry.

Even in my marriage, I don't yell. I can't. Any time I have to raise my voice it reminds me of my M yelling at me or my dad for nothing. Interpersonal skills? What's that?

I just want to add, that my M, who knows next to nothing about actually being pregnant and giving birth (I'm adopted), acts like she knows everything about it and I should have asked for her advice at the time. So do our PD people, who failed to teach us this stuff in the first place, think they are actually experts at life skills? Either way, thank goodness for google. It fills in all the knowledge gaps when used prudently.

[Indivisible]

Man.   All this stuff is such a learning experience. Sometimes I think that I've heard it all, and then I read something on the site and I'm like, man, another thing. My uNPDm  taught me and encouraged me to tattle. She encouraged me to tattle on my brother, and tell her what was going on with him. I remember her talking to her friends about it and feeling oh so clever and all of them laughing. For me, as a child, I didn't really understand that this was no way to make friends.   I had to figure it out on my own.  Along with this, she didn't teach me basic skills and how to get along with children. I remember feeling alone and isolated at school as a child playing by myself on the playground or in some other corner. And, what the heck is it with water? This is a theme I've seen in several posts.   Parents yelling about or not allowing their kids to use water? I still fight with myself to try to turn off the guilty feelings when I use water. Another skill not taught by my mother was washing my hands after going to the bathroom. I don't remember her teaching this and I don't remember this skill being reinforced or encouraged ever.   Kids used to make fun of me for not doing this. Again like so many other things it took me to figure it out on my own that this is essential basic hygiene. Another thing I learned on this site: my brother and I are alike in that someone can show us  how to do something, and we usually get it the first time around. I just thought that this was the way we were, and now I'm seeing that this was probably one of our survival skills to learn how to do things very very quickly because we were not likely to be shown how to do something a second time.  These stories  are just so eye-opening. Thanks so much everyone for sharing!