New & Foundering

[AlisonR]

Help! I'm brand new to the realization my 79yo mother is a narcissist.  I'm staying at her house to care for her.  We came for Christmas (her birthday so of course it's HER day) and she was in such bad shape I stayed.

So here I am, almost 2 months later.  I've moved into a cabin on her property for my privacy. 

I spent 15 years complete NC because..... well, because she's a narcissistic monster that started attacking my children (emotionally).

Now I'm here. I had a clear head and clear heart but it's being turned to darkness.

Leaving isn't an option. She'll be left alone and she can't take care of herself. She has chased EVERYBODY away that might work for her. We're in a small, rural area.

Now that I figured out she's a narcissist I'm not reacting "correctly" I think? It's driving her crazy and that's not my intention. I just don't want to play her game.

Something as simple as which hotel my cousin is staying in. She explodes and yells at me, "you always have to be right, you're never wrong!"  I am not sure what the appropriate response is? I am right. Do I lie to make her happy?

All I said was. "No, I think that's different hotel..." while I was searching the Internet. She blew up and stomped out (in super slow motion because she has Parkinson's and peripheral neuropathy).

Her dr gave me a referral for a dementia support group - pretty sure she has early dementia.

I recognized the pattern and I think I showed amusement. So now that's bad too.  I don't know the proper reaction? 

I have feelers out for therapy but I need immediate short term advice!!!

[NarcKiddo]

Leaving is an option.

It may not be an option you are prepared to take now (or ever) but you would probably find it instructive to think long and hard about why you resumed contact and why you think leaving is not an option. She is not the only person whose welfare you have to consider. There is your husband. There are your children. And, most importantly, there is YOU. You matter. You really do.

Dementia may mean she does not recognise fully that actions have consequences. That makes things harder. But the more strongly she believes you will never leave, the more licence she will feel she has for behaving precisely as she pleases. In your position I would not be allowing her to suppose my continued presence is guaranteed, come what may.

She has driven others away. That's on her.

Wishing you well as you navigate this difficult situation.

[Rebel13]

Hi Alison!  I very much understand your desire to take responsibility for your mother's care, especially since she has driven everyone else away.  My mother is 82 with many physical health problems, and I sometimes feel guilty for not being in (more) contact or helping with her care.

One of the hardest lessons I have had to learn as a people pleaser trained at my momma's knee, is that other people are responsible for the consequences of their own choices.  It is wonderful to be kind and helpful as I am able, but it is not my responsibility to fix another person's life.

The situation you describe sounds unsustainable to me.  Below are some thoughts about what I might do if I were in that situation with my own mother.  Maybe some of these will be helpful, and maybe others will have more suggestions that will be useful for you.

I would look at the situation in stages and move from one to the next when I felt ready to.

Stage 1:  I feel that I want to be here caring for my mother right now even though it's really difficult.  How can I care for myself on the daily, given that?  Maybe kind and gentle exercise (walking outside, stretching)?  Maybe reading comforting or inspiring or distracting books?  Maybe watching uplifting or funny movies?  Maybe practicing a hobby (drawing, knitting)?  Maybe calling a friend?

Stage 2:  I recognize that caregiving is wearing on me.  How can I set boundaries and start creating some distance?  Maybe limiting the time that I spend in my mother's presence (eating lunch in my cabin, taking an hour in the afternoon to read alone in my cabin, etc.)?  Maybe finding a local activity I enjoy (volunteering, book club, exercise class) that gets me away for a period of time every so often?

Stage 3:  I recognize I can't continue providing this level of care, for my own well-being and that of my family and other relationships.  I can continue enforcing the boundaries I established in stage 2, and increase the amount of time I take away from my mother and the caretaking role.  If I was going to exercise class once a week, I can start going twice a week, and then three times, for example.  If I was eating one meal apart from her, I start leaving her alone for two meals, and then three.  I also explore local resources for caregiving so I know what is available, and I start to prepare myself to have the conversation with my mother about what the future holds.  For example, I think about what I am willing and able to do going forward.  Perhaps I want to transition to staying with my mother only the two weeks per month that my husband can be with me, and she can hire a caregiver for the other two weeks.  Then I will transition to only one week per month, etc.

I think it's important to recognize that, if your mom is like mine, she isn't going to like ANY of this stuff and she will push back as hard as she can to try to bring you in line.  That's really hard to resist.  So I would decide what is sustainable for me and what my plan is for transitioning to it over time, and I would present that as a done deal.  It's not a negotiation.  Mom, here is what is going to happen.  I'm going to eat lunch/read in my cabin, I will be back in an hour.  Mom, I'm going to book club, I'll be back in two hours.  Mom, starting next month, I'm going home with Husband for two weeks.  This week some caregivers will be coming by to meet you and you can decide who you'd like to hire to help you while I'm gone.

Of course, all of this is much easier said than done, and I wish you much luck!  This forum is full of lovely, helpful people who can help support you as you work through all of this.

[Fiasco]

Leaving isn't an option. She'll be left alone and she can't take care of herself. She has chased EVERYBODY away that might work for her. We're in a small, rural area.

Yes ma'am leaving is absolutely an option. Small rural area? Perfect, let the police know she's a vulnerable adult living alone who probably shouldn't be and gosh you're so sorry but you don't live here and off you go. Call your state or county (or whatever is relevant where you live) and tell them the same thing.

You'll NEVER be able to make her do one single correct thing for herself but WOW will she adore watching you turn in circles trying to get her to.

This is an amazing support forum, don't leave! But also check out the aging care website forum where you can learn all about stubborn elders and exactly how much power you have to get them to care for themselves properly. Spoiler alert, you have none.

[olivegirl]

You'll NEVER be able to make her do one single correct thing for herself but WOW will she adore watching you turn in circles trying to get her to.

Amazing, powerful insight Fiasco.

This is the GOTCHA!  dance that my controlling, authoritarian, parasitic aging parents have schemed for decades.

Having their adult daughter bankroll their retirement, house them and be their 24/7 free caretaker.

It is just not happening. 

I saw a Dave Ramsey post and it hit me hard with his truth:

"Very few people build wealth dragging a deadbeat along or dragging someone who is misbehaving in some area of their life.

Someone who won't work.

Someone who can't tell the truth.

These dysfunction people ensures that we are going to create a situation where we cannot build a sustainable financial situation."

It is their responsibility to prepare for the aging years and I won't torpedo my mental and physical health, my marriage, our financial health because of my entitled narcissist parents.

[sunshine702]

Start a list of things YOU like
to do for YOU.  Certain music or radio or tv program.  Certain food. Certain drink.  Nice shower.   Scented wash.  Think about the 5 Senses..  When going through a rough time during or after with her it is important to keep your dopamine levels up.  When I was going through a bullying situation at work that I had to keep during the Pandemic I would bring gummy bears or chocolate in my pocket and this sounds like a tough bullying situation you have to stay in.  IT'S NOT YOU.  Keep saying that to yourself.  And pop a tasty treat.  Savor the flavor.  It brings you back to you and keeps your brain going.  I am sorry you are going through this. Practical things for today