He's the hero and that's a problem for me

[Pepin]

Even though DPD CN MIL is out of of my life, it doesn't mean that I get to clap my hands and shout YAY!   

There is still more hard work to do and that involves DH and our marriage.  While I don't think he is a narcissist, he definitely has fleas - and as a hero child, how could he not?  He has a very different view on things than I do because he chooses to align with his mother.  He really believes that she did him right, despite that his siblings are not in agreement.  He claims to have known her better that any of his siblings and in a sense I guess he did considering the amount of time he put in with her.  He was her go to person for just about everything.  She asked, he delivered.  She was his priority.

This means that I had to essentially move over for DPD CN MIL.  Any time I resisted, DH would become angry and confrontational, playing the excuse card on her behalf for why she was the way that she was.  And I have often asked myself why the heck would I stay with a man like that?  Who am I to him?  Do I matter?  And where did I go wrong and miss all these red flags?    

It is painfully clear to me that DH needs to be a hero.  Honestly, I can't quite give that to him because I'm too self sufficient and even more so thanks to DPD CN MIL butting in so much.  I'm a big girl who can figure things out on her own and make decisions as needed.  I know how to research and ask questions when I need help.  This also applies to our children who hesitate to go to their Dad as well. 

When DH and I met, I was an independent young woman.  I took care of myself and he wasn't my hero.  He didn't give off any vibes that he was this way at all - until we moved closer to his parents.  And then FIL died.  And everything exploded and I believe DH was thrown back into being the son that he used to be before he left home for college.  Ugh.

I don't know how I should be around DH as we move forward.  Now that I know that he has the hero tendency, I don't know what will happen with him.  I hope he takes the time to understand how damaging that way of being was -- though I don't have high hopes.  He is very stubborn.  Anyone have any advice for me with regards to looking for red flags and communicating better with him?

[bloomie]

Pepin - the aftermath of your DH having reverted to a way of life that prioritized his mother over you and your family has to be intense and casting a great deal of unspoken, unresolved pain in your marriage.

I can't say for sure, but how, when you did not see these behaviors and tendencies in him until your moved closer to in laws and your fil died could you have done something wrong or missed red flags? I don't think it is fair to turn that back on yourself. 

You get to be you in the midst of all of this. Your smart, independent, confident, powerful self. Your pain and confusion, those feelings of rejection, the big switcheroo your DH pulled when he transformed into someone who got lost in his mother's issues and needs... that is legit and real. Your DH refusing to look at that very successfully allows him to drop all of the angst and emotion into your lap to deal with.

We can be thoughtful and wise in how we bring things up that need to be worked through. We can prepare ourselves for not always being in agreement  or finding helpful, mutual conclusions, but if we rug sweep and/or walk on eggshells about something that has impacted you this deeply it could fester.

All I do know is that a long marriage, with in laws, careers, children, mortgages... is filled with twists and turns and seasons. Just keep bitterness far from you and continue to respectfully communicate those things you believe are most important for your DH to know. And refuse to feel all of the feelings in the room. Once you do... I'm betting DH will have to start feeling his own feelings for himself.

[Pepin]

I'm betting DH will have to start feeling his own feelings for himself.

Yes...I think this is where he is headed.  The fog will (re) lift without CN MIL around.

[Mary]

All I do know is that a long marriage, with in laws, careers, children, mortgages... is filled with twists and turns and seasons. Just keep bitterness far from you and continue to respectfully communicate those things you believe are most important for your DH to know. And refuse to feel all of the feelings in the room. Once you do... I'm betting DH will have to start feeling his own feelings for himself.

Loved this.
Mary

[Phoenix18]

 [/quote]

refuse to feel all of the feelings in the room. Once you do... I'm betting DH will have to start feeling his own feelings for himself.

This is some of the best advice I've read today. Thank you.

[Leonor]

Hi Pepin!

Fellow wife of hero son here ... I used to feel like a secondary cast member in an action movie: The Supportive Wife of Hero Man, waving him off with a white kerchief and understanding sigh as he bravely went forth to do battle with the Bad Luck and Unfortunate Circumstances constantly plaguing his hapless but eternally grateful parents.  Like if I were in one of those quasi-historical adventure series, I'd spend my days releasing well-behaved, clean children into his tired arms or hosting a banquet. Maybe occasionally warning him gently not to be too trusting of Raganorak of the High Plains, or something, but smiling patiently as he brushed me off with cliches about loyalty or the code of the clans, blah blah blah blah.

So I quit. I host no banquets. I give no fair advice. The kids are out playing with friends. If he leaves, he gets a "bye" and when he returns, it's a "hi." If he is experiencing stress around his family, "I'm sorry it's hard for you." I'm doing my thing, and quite well, too, I might add!

That, for me, has been the key. I learned new skills and switched careers. I exercise every day. I read my books and listen to my podcasts. I love him, we do family things, we have a good relationship together, his family is out of my frame, but to get here I had to de-enmesh myself from him.

Pepin, it sounds to me like the old craggy codependency monster is following you around again. Your MIL was really a piece of work, but she is gone - yet as long as you fixate on the problems you had around her and the effect that the relationship she used to have with your DH had on his relationship with you, you are remaining codependent on him being codependent with her.

Is it possible, dear Pepin, that your focus on your deceased MIL actually has a payoff, in that it allows you to look over your shoulder and analyze what was rather that square your shoulders and see what is in front of you today?