Normal and Acceptable?

[seafarer]

Is it normal for a person with a personality disorder to get extremely upset because you have a text conversation with someone who has asked advice for a second marriage after the death of their first spouse or to get very upset because you talked to your adult daughter on the phone?

A former colleague asked me for my thoughts on remarrying after the death of their spouse because she knew I had remarried.  I replied and told them all the joys of my new marriage.  That was in November.  Yesterday, I get a message from her telling me that the person she met has proposed and she accepted.  She sent pictures of her her and her new fiancé and my wife saw them and accused me of texting other women.  Huge argument followed about her accusing me of wanting to have other women in my life.

This event followed another argument about 3 days earlier when I shared with my wife that I had called my adult daughter to check in with her about a recent move my daughter had made to a new location.  She said I should just go down there and stay with her for a month or two.

Bottom line, my wife is very insecure and sees threats to our relationship that are no threat at all.  The only real threat is her insecurity.

My question is, is it normal for women to get so upset about innocent conversations with a colleague from the past or with my daughter?  Suggestions?

[moglow]

Bottom line, my wife is very insecure and sees threats to our relationship that are no threat at all.  The only real threat is her insecurity.

For HER, that is normal. She's deeply insecure, as are many, quite simply sees things that are not there and they become reality for her. She acts/responds based on that reality. My mother was jealous of me from very early days, according to Daddy - her own daughter. I was a female who [in her mind] came between her and her husband. Mother sees people as tools and relationships as transactional, and I don't think that's unusual with many PD individuals spoken of here. Any attention shown me took away from her, is how she saw it. Another thing to consider - is this daughter from your prior marriage? That could be a thorn in her side, the reminder that you have a child[ren] with another. You loved another. Obv your wife would have known that from the beginning, but somewhere underneath I guarantee it simmers.

All you can really do is be very open and above board with everything you do so she sees there's no threat. Share the texts, make sure she's in the room or nearby when you're on the phone, talk with people as a couple when you're out. Don't single out other women in conversation.

[notrightinthehead]

Excessive jealousy is unpleasant, whether your partner suffers with a PD or not. I found it quite restrictive and it led me to censor what I said and did when my partner was around. I could no longer be my authentic self if I did not want to risk a big drama. I believe that excessive jealousy will ruin intimacy and trust between two people.  Depending on what your goals are with this relationship, you might want to decide how to move forward from here.

[Starboard Song]

Is it normal for a person with a personality disorder to get extremely upset because you have a text conversation with someone who has asked advice for a second marriage after the death of their first spouse or to get very upset because you talked to your adult daughter on the phone?

My question is, is it normal for women to get so upset about innocent conversations with a colleague from the past or with my daughter?  Suggestions?

No. No, it is not. That's not rational behavior.

Here is the bad news -- or good news: it is on you to manage these interactions. To learn de-escalation tactics. To learn about Boundaries and Grey Rock and My Stuff / Your Stuff and the 50% Rule and on and on and on. To avoid JADE, and never lower yourself.

I don't like to say anything is "unacceptable." That language encourages us to extremes. But incorrect jealousy is never ever correct jealousy.

[seafarer]

   No longer committed!  Constant bombardment with ridicule and harassment for 24 hours.  All done!

[Starboard Song]

You doing all right there?

It sounds like something big has happened. Wishing you peace with whatever comes next.

[seafarer]

You doing all right there?

It sounds like something big has happened. Wishing you peace with whatever comes next.

I  am fine.  Moving on to separating and divorcing.  Been there once before but not going back at this point.  The harassment and accusations are almost non-stop.  I fear the Trying to get her to move out.  (I owned the house before we got married.)  Once that happens, hopefully things will calm down. I will make new posts later in a different thread.

[Blodyn]

No, it's not normal.  It's a sign of your wife's insecurities.  My late husband worked in international banking and would receive phone calls from female colleagues all the time while he was at home (international time differences).  I'd often chat with these ladies before handing the phone to him.  He'd talk to me about them in the same way he'd talk about his male colleagues.  He would have lunch meetings with them.  Many of these ladies were friends and colleagues with him long before I came on the scene.  They came to our wedding.  All of them would comment on how happy he was after he met me.  I'm still friends with many of them today. 

When you feel secure in your relationship there is open communication and trust.  I never doubted the trust I had in my husband, and he never gave me cause to question that trust.

You've been open in your communication with your wife.  You need to point out to her that if you were having a relationship with another woman, there's no way that you'd have shown her the text message.