How do you stay strong?

[WalkingMind]

Like everyone else dealing with PDs in their lives I have days where I feel emotionally strong and days where I am exhausted. Here are some things that have helped me in the ten years or so since I learned about PDs:
- coming here, Toolbox and learning about PDs helps me get a bit of emotional distance from the emotional turmoil my wife goes through.
- a variation on medium chill I learned here years ago, I can't remember who posted it. Observe the behavior, the emotional state etc. with interest like you would if you landed on another planet and observed behavior of the locals. I found I can respond in a way that acknowledges her feeling without escalating or getting dragged in when I am observing her ranting or complaining or whatever.
- more recently Ive found Dr. Daniel Fox YouTube videos helpful. He has videos intended for people who have BPD ( in addition to those who are in relationships with PD). Seeing how he talks to someone experiencing BPD emotions helps me with my previous point in observing what I am seeing in uBPDw with what he talks about.
 
Lately I feel like an am having more compassion fatigue in trying to understand and navigate her emotional state and inner emptiness. I feel like going on walks for a few hours aren't recharging as much anymore. Ive been curious about learning about mindfulness and journaling but haven't had much success yet.

Anyone else have techniques that help you get through the exhaustion of dealing with the insatiable neediness of a PD? Anyone with tips on how to journal in a way that is helpful?

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

How about a trip/mini vacation by yourself?  I remember reading a post many months ago and the writer noted that it was important for them to be able to have a break to recharge.  Just an idea -

If I stayed in my marriage, I think some trips and separate friendships would have been important for my own mental health.

Journaling about my feelings or specific events helped keep me grounded.

[xredshoesx]

i'm in a uPD relationship with a job.  theoretically i could leave and do this same job somewhere else- the issue is i will NEVER be paid what i am earning now and i have worked too hard to get to this level of financial security to just leave (as i have done when i was still mid level in my career.)

the one thing that has helped me is the concept of radical acceptance in the specific area of not taking things personally.  the clients/ coworkers i work with are who they are.  i can't let that control my self worth.  there are going to be slings and arrows and many things they react to that are completely out of my control.  all i can do is manage my own responses/ reactions.

be gentle with yourself today.  things that are said/ done still hurt but depersonalizing the situation has helped me to not let the hurts still as much or as long. 

[WalkingMind]

THanks all for your thoughts.  I thought I responded on my phone some days ago but looks like it didn't post. Sorry for the delayed response.

- PlantFlowers - thanks, although I think a mini trip isn't really realistic I think a full day excursion is and I can think of it as a minitrip.

- red shoes - radical acceptance, yes, that is one concept I adopted some years ago which has been critical.  Maybe it is starting to wear off a bit now, which is why I am reaching out here.  I probably need to revisit the idea of it with fresh eyes for my current situation.

[WalkingMind]

Also follow-up about your caution about trying to understand their emotional state.  I definitely appreciate not trying to make real sense of it, but for example when I learned more about "fear of abandonment" and how broadly that fear pervades their everyday life it helped me make small adjustments to my interactions that reduced situations that could quickly devolve that really had fear of abandonment at its root.  Learning that the irritability or trying to bait me and start fights is at its core often something to do with her own feelings of emptiness, helps me not respond to her words like a normal person but to emotionally disengage and observe the "symptoms" of her PD as things that would normally initiate some sort of conflict.  Hope that makes sense.   Basically learning about PDs (especially from the good people here) helps.   

[escapingman]

I know this is in the committed section and you re trying to make it work. I tried to make it work for so long after I figured out what my xPDw was, but for every mine I dodged she invented a new mine and placed just in front of me. I am not saying your PDs are the same, but my xw was really not happy unless I was unhappy. Towards the end when I had become completely grey rock and she could not get any emotions out of me, she turned the kids on me, as I said she had to hurt me to feel better. When she had got one kid completely on her side and to do her dirty work I had no other option than to leave together with my other child to protect us both.

I am not saying all PDs are like this, but for mine it was all about her being in control and me taking on her misery.

Good luck with everything.

[WalkingMind]

Thanks EM, Ive followed your story and congratulate you on your journey Out of the FOG.
Our kids are out of the house and the rages are much fewer and I think we are both trying according to our abilities. But i think lately practicing things like radical  chill and toolbox has gotten a bit exhausting. I need to double down on refreshers and maybe new techniques like journaling. Also follow advice given in this thread. Thanks

[downwiththefog]

Thanks for this thread - it's very useful to me too.

[Mary]

Thanks for the lists!