Managing his drunken rage...

[Phantom Muse]

Over the weekend, my uNBPDb drank too much (which seems to be on ongoing issue as far as I can see) and he totally went "south" on me.  Absolutely nothing precipitated his rage (other than his drinking) that I could see.  I know his behavior patterns, and there wasn't even a single thing I did or said that he could have construed into some transgression by me. I wouldn't have accepted the rage as my fault anyway.

As soon as I saw him heading downhill (yelling at the TV, proclaiming his bloated opinions from "on high," etc.), I left.  I was calm, confident, and quick. He seriously slammed the door behind me, yelling obscenities—which continued as I was walking to my car.  Someone in the building yelled at him to be quiet.  I drove away and did not engage.  He called me the next day saying he had "fallen asleep" (probably passed out) shortly after I left, and he did not reference the events of the prior day. Of course, it is three days later and there is still no apology.  I am keeping my distance.

I guess I was hoping I could get insight into this and how to manage my feelings.  I want to call him out on his drinking—but logically I know it won't be well-received or even matter to him.  It will simply be me opening the door to further denigration by him.

What do I say to him when I finally feel my thoughts can no longer be left unsaid?  I don't want to live in this place of "limbo" just pretending all is fine or even okayish—and I also don't want to continue to feel as angry and frustrated as I do.  I have trauma bonds with him—which is a primary reason I still engage with him, and I am working on that with a therapist.  All that being said, any ideas of tangible things I can say to him to get this event out of my head?  Or should I just let it go—knowing it's his cross to bear.

As an aside, he's still fairly high-functioning (goes to work without fail—but watches hours of TV daily, eats poorly, and rarely engages with others unless at work), so is it important that I really "know" he has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol—or do I MC this, too?

Thanks so much; this community is very appreciated!

[xredshoesx]

phantom i am worried for you.

something i learned the hard way with my exPD who also drank/did drugs to self medicate was it always escalates.  it took me almost being charged as a mutual combatant in a DV situation to see this.

i see you are working on keeping this relationship but if you are the one doing all the work which really means walking on eggshells because it can come out of nowhere again again and again...

it took me 5 years with my ex to see my situation for what it really was, another year to get out, and then a few more years to heal.  it's a process but it's possible.  you deserve better and it shouldn't be on you to manage him.  at. all.

[NarcKiddo]

 

My first husband drank and did drugs. He never raged or was violent towards me, but everything else became increasingly awful. When our home was broken into by men with knives who threatened us because he owed them drug money I realised there was no future for us. The drugs and alcohol would always come way before me.

You are right that calling out his drinking will not help. If it gets to the stage where you simply have to say some things, I would suggest that is the stage at which you also have to walk away.

[Starboard Song]

What do I say to him when I finally feel my thoughts can no longer be left unsaid?

I believe you need to speak, when that time comes, in the language of Boundaries. "Calling out his drinking won't help" him to stop drinking, but defining and enforcing your own boundaries will help you. Good boundaries don't control or restrain others. They are an expression of what we will or will not do, or engage with. And well designed boundaries can be enforced on our own without resorting to nuclear options. When you want to speak out, boundaries will mean a lot of I statements. Things like, "I am not comfortable and don't feel safe when you get angry like that, and I won't be in the house when you are like that." Or "I will not argue with you when you use demeaning words or a loud voice." Or "I need you to speak to me kindly, even when you are angry or disappointed." I encourage all such conversations to be delivered with either chirpy pleasantness, or bored and casual neutrality. Be real.

When you didn't want to be around his behavior, you left. That's a boundary. "I will not listen to or engage with your fits of drunken rage." He can rage away, but he won't have you near to participate, and you won't be raged at. You don't have to announce boundaries in advance, because they aren't rules. When you need to end a conversation, or step into another room, or leave the house, you just do. Most people, I think, feel better if they do explain, "I am sorry, but I won't be yelled at. If you can calm down, I'll be glad to discuss your sandwich, but otherwise I will need to step away while you are upset." You do what makes you feel comfortable.

That all said, you do need to be safe. Please have a GO BAG ready, and a plan for where you can go if you need to. There are many people who are committed-to-working-on-it and also ready-to-run. Being ready means staying safe, not giving up.

Be good. Be strong.

[bloomie]

Phantom Muse - what a terrible experience for you. I am heartbroken for you reading through your post.

The very best thing I know to offer you right now are resources that are specific for those who are in relationship with those who abuse alcohol and/or substances.

Please consider joining alanon. Here is a link:
https://al-anon.org

Please consider doing a risk assessment using the Mosaic Method to determine the risk you are currently in given your specific experiences in this relationship:

https://www.mosaicmethod.com

Please consider speaking with a domestic violence specialist and talking through your experiences and the safest way for you to manage them:

800-799-7233 or thehotline.org

International Emergency resources can be found here:
https://outofthefog.website/emergency

We can and do support you as you share, but ultimately you are describing a violent and abusive encounter fueled by alcohol and that is gravely concerning.

You did not cause this, you cannot cure this, and you cannot change or control anything or anyone but you in all of this.

Please come back as you are able and let us know how you are doing.

[Phantom Muse]

Thank you, All, for your kind and supportive comments.  I deeply appreciate them.  A few weeks have gone by since this incident, and I have been using the time to observe my "inner self" and his outer self.

He, of course, has never apologized for his actions.  As I think on our history, I have been making a list of all the times when his use of alcohol has contributed to my lack of safety and  feelings of fear.  There are far too many and, in retrospect, I am surprised at how much I have put up with.  I sort of understand why I have, and I don't "hold it against myself," but it's now clear that his drinking is a serious issue that only exacerbates his uNBPD. I do deserve to feel safe for starters, and I do deserve a better relationship overall.

I have stayed away from him since; he has called and asked to visit together.  He started the love-bombing two days after the event, and yesterday dropped a bag of groceries at my door when I was not home.  He knows what he has done but, like in the past, I doubt there will be any real change.  He will return to his abusive ways.  The only change that would signal a true understanding of his issues is to pursue professional help for his drinking and his PD issues, yes?

I am grateful to not live with him—but he has expressed an interest in buying the house three doors down when it goes up for sale in a few months—so now I am feeling scared about that.  I've lived in my home for almost 35 years and don't want to move—and really can't afford to anyway.  And I shouldn't have to.

His family (siblings) will not be helpful, and his adult daughters are completely unprepared to do anything, so his illnesses have always fallen on me—and I don't want to deal with them anymore.  I think I am at "that place" where it is becoming easier to consider walking away.

Thank you so much for providing so much support and tangible resources. I am reviewing and using them all. ~Phantom

[Cat of the Canals]

The only change that would signal a true understanding of his issues is to pursue professional help for his drinking and his PD issues, yes?

Not necessarily. It isn't uncommon for PDs to "finally" agree to therapy/treatment once they realize it's the only way to keep you from leaving. But if they aren't committed to it for themselves, I think it's often a pointless endeavor. They can't be doing it for show or to prove a point or to be able to say he jumped through the proper hoops: "I did what you asked! I went to therapy!" True understanding would mean a change in behavior. Period.

I am grateful to not live with him—but he has expressed an interest in buying the house three doors down when it goes up for sale in a few months—so now I am feeling scared about that.  I've lived in my home for almost 35 years and don't want to move—and really can't afford to anyway.  And I shouldn't have to.

I have worried about my PDmom or PDmil trying to move near us. It's highly unlikely, but I've decided if it ever comes up, I'm going to say, "It's funny you say that. We were just talking about moving ourselves!" We are not talking about moving, have zero plans to do so. But I think just the idea that we might not be here would be enough to nip their scheming to move here in the bud.

I wonder if there's a way you could use a similar ruse if buying the house near you comes up again. "It's funny, I was just fantasizing about selling my house and getting a condo. Somewhere with a pool, and no yard to deal with." Obviously you'd need to change the details to suit your situation. Keep it light and totally in the abstract. Once the neighbor's house is sold, you can drop it. "Oh, I was just talking! I wasn't serious."

[SonofThunder]

The only change that would signal a true understanding of his issues is to pursue professional help for his drinking and his PD issues, yes?

Hi Phantom Muse,

My PDfather is in his mid 80's. He's being diagnosed and steady medically treated for depression, seasonal affective disorder and adhd since in his 30's when I was a young child in that crazy home.  He has been all these decades on medicines for all three. Meds do seem to help all 3 somewhat, but have NEVER changed a SINGLE ONE of his uNPD traits which happen inside the protective walls of relationship circles 1 & 2.  Docs and therapists (circle 3 or 4) only hear the PD's twisted stories, so PD traits go mostly undiagnosed even if in the docs office for something else like depression (unless there is some extremely overt BPD or other overt PD behaviors that end up being documented in the legal or public-safety community). Just ask any spouse here who's been to joint counseling with a PD, how even the most well trained therapists get snowed-over by a PD. 

Im also married 30+ years to a PDw.  She's also been, for a period, on depression meds and they did help with depression symptoms, but PD traits were absolutely unchanged the entire time, including using her own depression diagnosis to ramp up her victimhood and accusations of me (perpetrator/devaluation).

I am of the opinion that PD's are under-developed from chikdhood, and so imo there is no development later on.  "..pursue professional help for his drinking.." yes, ok.  But help for the PD traits?  Not in my experiences.

SoT

[xredshoesx]

when my ex had to go to court ordered anger management and AA meetings after our DV he learned from other abusers how to better perfect his craft and how to hide his behaviors better in public. 

you're worth more than this.  i'm glad to hear you all don't cohabitate but it is scary thinking he could buy property that close.