They really didn’t want me to exist

[Serendipity12]

Coming up to around 8 years nc with unNPD mother and can honestly say that it was one of the beast decisions I have ever made, albeit not an easy one. Time keeps bringing new perspectives and new work to be done for recovery and just recently I was reflecting on how I am at work.
I linked my people pleasing to tiptoeing around my mother as a child obviously, but also saw that I rush to complete tasks for people, constantly worried that I am taking too long (even when I know I'm not) and also that I deliberately make myself small in meetings and around colleagues. Then it hit me - I'm acting as though I have no right to space and time. I was so resented and
Scapegoated as a kid that I really felt I had no right to space or time, the basics of existence. Blimey those npds really do a number on us don't they....

[sunshine702]

That we have no right to basics. Ouch yes.  Well you caught that self talk.  Lean the opposite direction when you hear it.  Actually Bob - I do have something to add I think we should be doing xyz.!

[Rebel13]

Hi Serendipity, thank you so much for writing this! It reminds me so much of how I also am at work and how it relates back to my mother's training. I have suffered serious anxiety at all my jobs until my most recent one. Especially hard for me were periods when there was not much for me to do. If I wasn't busy (justifying my existence) the anxiety would creep back and I would start to worry that I was going to be fired. I kept as compulsively busy as I could for a bunch of years. As I look back now I can see that I've been taking concrete steps to lessen the anxiety and allow myself to be "normal" in terms of work ethic and performance, like not having to finish every task immediately, giving myself time to think about the best way to solve complex problems.

But I was driving around this morning thinking about your post and I realized how much pressure I still put on myself to make sure I am LIKED at work -- by which I really mean a lot of placating, fawning behavior that I don't like about myself very much. I have set a couple of boundaries with coworkers lately which is, again, some improvement to be proud of, but yes, always more layers to peel off, right? 

[walking on broken glass]

Hello!
I can also relate to this. I have always gone the extra mile at work to be as helpful, efficient, and eager as possible. There was a time when I was constantly ill and I am pretty sure this was my body's way of telling me to slow down.
Another layer to this for me is that my parents always valued and praised me for my academic achievements, so I think that I subconsciously connected my personal worth to my professional successes. This is something very hard to discard, I have found. But I am working on it. I have also managed to view my day to day work in a more balanced way, saying no to unnecessary duties that people would dump on me, and standing my ground more. I know I can't change my whole personality ( I will never come across as very assertive) but I can work on improving parts that don't serve me.

[Defiantdaughter1]

YOU matter!

[Serendipity12]

Thanks so much for these replies - it's so good to know that I am not alone in this.  I am, like others have said, working to try to get the perspective to stand back and see those ingrained people pleasing traits for what they are and then deal with them. We all deserve to place our value as equal to the people we work for and with! I think as I move through this another aspect that I'll have to deal with is the anger as I see just how far the effects of my npd mother have affected my life. It can be hard to find balance in all of this. It is unbelievably helpful to have a forum like this to share our journeys on. Thank you all for your replies. Good luck Rebel and Broken Glass as you move on with setting your boundaries and finding your worth too and thank you Defiant and Sunshine for your messages of support as well!