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Separating & Divorcing / Re: Out of body experience
« Last post by escapingman on Today at 06:31:41 AM »
Thanks, hhaw. I suppose I feel bad about pressing charges, don't think I can do it whilst living in the same house unless she go on to do a full on assault. But I am tired, I am so tired right now. I am tired of no adult conversation, I am tried of having to implement MC and GR all the time, I am tired of having to stay 100% focused, I am tired of when I do the smallest slip up and actually make a 2 word reply that she tries to jump on me thinking I am back as her supply. I am tired of someone denying the fact I told her I am going to file for divorce and keep trying to involve me in activities with the entire family. Right now she is alternating between playing happy family and being the victim.

I had the discussion with SG yesterday that she need to accept mum and dad will split up, she said we don't we just try to be nice to each other and all will be fine. Makes my hearth bleed as that is what I have tried all these years but it all being sabotaged by stbx. SG brought up happy memories, yes some of them were happy, but what SG failed to include was the extremely unhappy moments during those happy memories caused by some minor incident that made stbx lose her shit and kick off with me. It breaks my hearth to do this, I don't want to split the family up, but I have to. I have to do this to save myself, to save the kids, maybe even to save stbx. 
Tell me if Iím getting this correct. You put 50% down in cash on this cabin, then co-signed the mortgage for the balance which is in BILís name. So you did know what you were signing. But it was either sign or lose the cabin? I can definitely see how codependent people could get steamrolled into agreeing to something like that. Been in those sort of situations myself where I got blatantly taken advantage of. I donít understand though how your names are not on the loan if you could be liable for BIL defaulting. The bank should be in communication with you if at anytime your personal credit is at risk, not simply relying on BIL. That may not ultimately matter much, I just found it confusing. As are many things when pwpd are involved.

With the mortgage period coming about halfway now, it seems like the larger investment from your point of view is the personal one. How youíve made this place your own, improved it, etc.

That would be a real loss. But what if you considered it a sunk cost? Live and learn and get a different cabin? It sounds as if you could afford to on your own at this point. I donít know the area or if there are similar properties you could have instead, but if as you say the most important thing to you is to get out of the dysfunctionÖ it may be best to start over. If you bought them out the potential for smear campaigning and guilt tripping and oh-poor-us could be everlasting, especially if you had strong boundaries after having basically none and next to no communication about what is and is ok there for 13 years. It would be a constant challenge to ďchange the steps to the dance,Ē as my old T would say.
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Out of body experience
« Last post by hhaw on Yesterday at 11:56:47 PM »
You have the evidence, I suggest going forward with the charges, particularly if she continues being abusive..... particularly if your attorney feels you can prove your case.

At some point you can tell the kids why you're separating......but not to debate.  Just to clear the air and provide clarity once you've filed and explain your decision to the kids. 

It's likely the kids already know what their mother's done to you.  Hearing you say it out loud, sans anger.....solidifies your position as worthy of safety and capable of setting and holding boundaries, ime

I'm sorry the stbx weaponizes the children against you.  That's the way it is.  At least for now.

I really like the book The Parallel Process by Krissy Pozatek, LICSW, bc it gives you a very concrete structure for dealing with problematic relationships with our children.  It demystifies and simplifies, provides a skeleton to build on, ime.  I found my notes recently.  I highly recommend it.

I'll say it one more time, resist allowing stbx to cross your boundaries, assault and abuse you.  At a point you'll be holding her feet to every fire, ime. 

Document, keep your cool, report and be ready to lodge that police complaint to begin your stand.

Once you do......have a plan for leaving. 

You're doing really well.

What everybody else said, 100%! Well, sheíll never go shopping with YOU in mind again, well, because itís clear she never did in the first place. My mother would also play these ridiculous games with stuff. Give me craptacular ďgiftsĒ that were completely her cast-offs or stuff she would have bought for herself that I had said I did not personally like, which led to her doubling down on buying me that sort of gift for years, or had some other passive-aggressive jab to them, or were just her being plain cheap. So you either take the crap and be over-the-top grateful, or well how dare you! Either way itís an insult.

I agree with Bloomie. Oh, you wonít shop for me? Okay. Thanks for sparing me the bother of being your personal Goodwill.
Religious & Spiritual Discussion / Re: PDís, Pharisees and Hypocrisy
« Last post by Mary on Yesterday at 11:43:49 PM »
I had never read Matt 23 from that lense, SoT. It shows me that Jesus knows exactly what is going on, and calls out the hypocrisy. Verse 12 is a challenge and very comforting, as Jesus teaches those who are not Pharisees how to be.

"12 Whoever exalts himself shall be humbled, and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted."

 I aim to follow this teaching, and I am hoping for a bunch of high-five's from Jesus someday!

Thanks for the thought-provoking comparison.
I will too.
Committed to Working On It / Re: Physical damage from being around a PD person
« Last post by Mary on Yesterday at 11:15:34 PM »
Wow, Justanother,
I am amazed by your physical improvements since your husband left. Shocking really. Thanks for sharing!
I'm really sorry that you have to endure your partner talking trash about you. A few months ago, my ex was at my house and was talking on the phone to someone who might have been a therapist. I was not trying to eavesdrop; ex was outside the house and the windows were open and either he didn't realize he was speaking loud and clear or didn't care. Anyway, I heard him say, "I'm at my ex-wife's house,..." and I felt so awful hearing only those words that I left the room and took off in the car to do errands. I kind of wanted to know what he was going to say, but I figured I'd feel even worse if I heard anymore.

I had this EXACT SAME thing happen to me with my ex BPD/ASPD H a number of times. It was shocking. I can remember cleaning up in our apartment as he spoke on the phone to a friend in the chair. I even got close to him and started picking up little things to see if he would stop. He didn't. After the call he acted as if all was wonderful with us.

In some ways, it was a relief to me that I was not making it up and he really thought I was that ignorant of his language when we had been together 8 years at that point and had had his family living with us and our kids going to sitters that spoke his language. We would watch television in his language as well.

Try to let it roll off and let it keep you determined that you are doing the right things. It also will allow you to operate under the radar and know what his next moves are potentially.


Iím sad that youíve experienced this too, but it is a comfort to me that someone else has! Even though I know I can speak and understand his language, I sometimes find myself doubting I can because of how brazenly he says this stuff right in my face. It leaves me so confused like ďI must not be able to understand him, surely he didnít just call me human garbage and tell his friend he wants to throw me away with the trash? I must not be as fluent as I think.Ē I know thatís not true though, he did say it. Itís just, as you said, so shocking!

I have heard him talk a lot, but he doesnít seem to have any plans. In fact, he has a distinct lack of plans. He is unable to plan anything past a day or two in advance, and even then, he usually doesnít follow through with the plans he makes. That is 100% to my advantage. He has no patience at all, which is a BIG benefit for me, as he is not too into scheming. He also totally lacks impulse control, so he will just say whatever, whenever.

I know this isnít the topic of my thread, but I was wondering if you could briefly touch on what made you believe your ex has ASPD as opposed to NPD. The reason I ask is because Iím worried about my child in the future, and want to be watching for the signs of a PD with him. I do know that whatever my husband has runs in his family. I am 100% sure that his brother has ASPD, as he matches every single ASPD trait. I am quite sure his mother has a PD (I suspect BPD, but she has had troubles with the law), and his uncle has also been in an out of jail for white collar crimes. I know at the end of the day, it doesnít matter too much which one, but when I read about ASPD, it seems like they are the most inclined to break societal norms, engage in illegal behaviour and do jail time. I donít want my child to end up like that. Itís one of the major reasons Iím leaving now. It seems like most people here suspect their spouse has BPD/NPD, but I see few who think their SO has ASPD. Reading your post history, it seems like you suspect your son also has ASPD, so Iím really interested in your thoughts.
Revenge is a dish best eaten in another country.

Do whatever it takes to get you and your child home. You can do this. Promise yourself that you'll give yourself time to process all this properly once you're safe. Then park it away for the next month.

Do not doubt yourself.


You made me lol boat babe haha, thanks for the laugh.

That is true and I do hope (fingers crossed) that I will be eating some excellent revenge in under a month.

Thank you though. I seriously needed to hear what you have said. I doubt myself all of the time. Sometimes my life doesnít even seem real. I am not sure how my loving relationship devolved into a life with a man who finds organized crime, other illegal behavior, manipulation, gaslighting and etc normal. It is so hard to reconcile what we started with vs. where we are at. It doesnít even seem real most days that Iím on this roller coaster.

I wonít doubt myself. Admittedly, I am TERRIFIED, but this has to be done. So thank you so much for helping me to drown out those doubtful voices in my head. ❤️
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