Recent posts
#91
Week 1: Boundaries Make Us Better / Re: Healthy Boundaries: Litera...
Last post by Starboard Song - May 02, 2024, 07:42:33 AMQuote from: square on May 01, 2024, 09:15:42 PMThe benefits to my health are to a degree that other people notice, and those people are noticing with zero context (they don't know my situation, or if they know a bit, they don't know of any improvements).
So that's my boundaries success story.
Wow. That's pretty affirming. Well done, you.
Boundaries are such a weird space. Like you say, it is tempting to make them the equivalent of a fence around your antagonist: these are things you can't do. But you're right. They are supposed to be about us: what we will or will not do, or engage with. And I always toss in these two attributes: good boundaries can be enforced without resorting to nuclear options, and there are some people and situations that simply make boundaries non-administerable.
Your success is all the more impressive because enforcing boundaries can be soooo exhausting. The idea is to be noble and detached, and to be just casually neither do nor engage with those things we say we will not do or engage with. But in real life, we found that enforcing those boundaries left us upset and tired and arguing with our antagonists in our heads at all hours of the day and night.
Did you have any tricks for not doing that? For letting go of the decision and stress? Because really, enforcing a boundary upsets someone else, and it is so often someone with whom we are pretty entangled.
#92
Going No Contact with a PD Parent / Re: Those, who have been NC 5 ...
Last post by clarityjane - May 02, 2024, 07:39:14 AMMy experience is so much like yours. Down to the difficulty of connection, its so true. For certain reasons, I cannot fully break contact, although I wish every time that I could. This is with my HPDmom, but my NF, I broke contact with long ago.
I think its difficult for me because I had to believe for so long that one parent loved me. Abandonment issues are strong here because of my childhood.
If there was any advice I could give, it would be that for every time your thoughts drift toward them, do something nice for yourself. It feels really strange and I forget to sometimes. But it has helped me. You're worth more than they can appreciate. Maybe when you question yourself, ask if she is ever putting your best interest ahead of her own? Or something like that.
I struggle with feeling guilty for the LC I have now. So, youre not alone there.
I think its difficult for me because I had to believe for so long that one parent loved me. Abandonment issues are strong here because of my childhood.
If there was any advice I could give, it would be that for every time your thoughts drift toward them, do something nice for yourself. It feels really strange and I forget to sometimes. But it has helped me. You're worth more than they can appreciate. Maybe when you question yourself, ask if she is ever putting your best interest ahead of her own? Or something like that.
I struggle with feeling guilty for the LC I have now. So, youre not alone there.
#93
Going No Contact with a PD Parent / Re: I see them tomorrow, wish ...
Last post by Generic_Username - May 02, 2024, 02:42:11 AMThank you Moglow. I'm so glad I'm able to put this part of the chapter behind me. I've got a day off for self care and reflection, which is very much needed!
#94
Friends, Neighbors, Acquaintances and Coworkers / Re: Healthy friendships
Last post by Breadroll - May 02, 2024, 01:44:00 AMThat was really insightful - your comment on how people are complex, and perhaps even nice and empathetic sometimes. Then you end up questioning yourself, or feeling that you caused it. That!
And yes, friends who compete subtly and often for no reason -when you don't have interest at all. It's puzzling
The answer seems to be simply to reduce level of engagement although that can be sad.
And yes, friends who compete subtly and often for no reason -when you don't have interest at all. It's puzzling
The answer seems to be simply to reduce level of engagement although that can be sad.
#96
Week 1: Boundaries Make Us Better / Healthy Boundaries: Literally
Last post by square - May 01, 2024, 09:15:42 PMI've been posting a fair amount lately on the nature of boundaries, primarily that they are about us making our own positive and protective choices, and not about controlling others or punishing them.
I feel a lot of anxiety when I'm depending on someone unreliable to meet my needs. I can accept that the person is in fact not going to meet my needs and think about things in a different way. Already, this reduces the stress that comes from placing our needs in the wrong hands.
As I behave in a healthy manner, rather than trying to control others, I feel good about myself rather than feeling bad about what I said or did.
I have a relative (not my H) who is dealing with things by trying very hard to control those around them. Not only is the relative blowing up their relationships, but they are clearly so, so stressed and unhappy. I much prefer to just control myself.
I've found real health benefits from reducing the stress. I am well aware that not every situation is the same, and I would be very stressed in other situations, but while my relationship is in shambles, my day to day life is much calmer.
The benefits to my health are to a degree that other people notice, and those people are noticing with zero context (they don't know my situation, or if they know a bit, they don't know of any improvements).
So that's my boundaries success story. I was in poor health some years back. I was overloading my system with adrenaline. There were more factors than boundaries but boundaries were absolutely the foundation to what changed.
Just want to note: There are situations where boundaries unfortunately will have to come down to total removal of self from toxicity. That's part of accepting we can't make someone else change.
I feel a lot of anxiety when I'm depending on someone unreliable to meet my needs. I can accept that the person is in fact not going to meet my needs and think about things in a different way. Already, this reduces the stress that comes from placing our needs in the wrong hands.
As I behave in a healthy manner, rather than trying to control others, I feel good about myself rather than feeling bad about what I said or did.
I have a relative (not my H) who is dealing with things by trying very hard to control those around them. Not only is the relative blowing up their relationships, but they are clearly so, so stressed and unhappy. I much prefer to just control myself.
I've found real health benefits from reducing the stress. I am well aware that not every situation is the same, and I would be very stressed in other situations, but while my relationship is in shambles, my day to day life is much calmer.
The benefits to my health are to a degree that other people notice, and those people are noticing with zero context (they don't know my situation, or if they know a bit, they don't know of any improvements).
So that's my boundaries success story. I was in poor health some years back. I was overloading my system with adrenaline. There were more factors than boundaries but boundaries were absolutely the foundation to what changed.
Just want to note: There are situations where boundaries unfortunately will have to come down to total removal of self from toxicity. That's part of accepting we can't make someone else change.
#97
Dealing with PD Elderly Family Members / Re: My mom's house got struck ...
Last post by TimetoHeal - May 01, 2024, 09:03:26 PMThat's an interesting thought, moglow! I've never even considered it might not be true. But just like how I never brought her lunch yesterday (sigh), a lot of "untruths" seem to be told, now that I think of it.
Yes, she fits the definition of histrionic to a "T". I had not heard of that one until more recently. NPD gets more attention these days, and I think she could fit that as well, but histrionic is more appropriate. Anyway, I know her diagnosis (or lack thereof) is much less important than how I choose to react or not react. I'm proud of myself. Today, other than a quick text to see how it was going, I did not rush over there to save her or to show everyone what a good daughter I am. A small victory.
Yes, she fits the definition of histrionic to a "T". I had not heard of that one until more recently. NPD gets more attention these days, and I think she could fit that as well, but histrionic is more appropriate. Anyway, I know her diagnosis (or lack thereof) is much less important than how I choose to react or not react. I'm proud of myself. Today, other than a quick text to see how it was going, I did not rush over there to save her or to show everyone what a good daughter I am. A small victory.
#98
Chosen Relationships / Re: Victim Mentality
Last post by square - May 01, 2024, 08:38:14 PMNo, that behavior is toxic, childish, selfish, and harmful.
Your daughter is allowed to have a need without it being about him.
And he is trying to equate two entirely different situations. Your daughter needing support and comfort is not remotely related to you protecting yourself from his toxic behaviors by sleeping separately.
My thought on that is to simply start to expect such childish comments so they don't shock, hurt, and disappoint you. And take them as seriously as you would a toddler screaming he or she wants the ENTIRE birthday cake.
I would just not even justify that with an answer of any kind, nor bother to spend any time thinking about how bizarre or hypocritical or ridiculous it was. Like a bag lady yelling at me when I walk down the street.
I wasn't able to get to that mental outlook overnight, mind you. And I'd be lying if I said I'm batting 1.000 on that. But indeed I've saved my blood pressure from spiking many times, and I've had noticable health improvements from just expecting nothing less and carrying on.
Your daughter is allowed to have a need without it being about him.
And he is trying to equate two entirely different situations. Your daughter needing support and comfort is not remotely related to you protecting yourself from his toxic behaviors by sleeping separately.
My thought on that is to simply start to expect such childish comments so they don't shock, hurt, and disappoint you. And take them as seriously as you would a toddler screaming he or she wants the ENTIRE birthday cake.
I would just not even justify that with an answer of any kind, nor bother to spend any time thinking about how bizarre or hypocritical or ridiculous it was. Like a bag lady yelling at me when I walk down the street.
I wasn't able to get to that mental outlook overnight, mind you. And I'd be lying if I said I'm batting 1.000 on that. But indeed I've saved my blood pressure from spiking many times, and I've had noticable health improvements from just expecting nothing less and carrying on.
#99
Celebrating Ourselves / Re: Why We Are Focusing On Our...
Last post by xredshoesx - May 01, 2024, 07:50:53 PM@bloomie what you spoke on family reunion/visits ramping up in the spring and summer resonated with me.
in honor and celebration of my own mental health i'm taking a pre-planned half day a few weeks from now ON A FRIDAY. how's that for mental health awareness/ self care?
in honor and celebration of my own mental health i'm taking a pre-planned half day a few weeks from now ON A FRIDAY. how's that for mental health awareness/ self care?
#100
The Welcome Mat / Re: It's a start
Last post by xredshoesx - May 01, 2024, 07:46:38 PMwelcome to the group clarityjane!
it took me more than one try to get comfortable with sharing my experiences as a child with a uPD mother- we're listening when you are ready to share more.
it took me more than one try to get comfortable with sharing my experiences as a child with a uPD mother- we're listening when you are ready to share more.