Hey,
I have been really struggling to cope for many years with my uPDm. For the past few months her and I have been very minimal contact. The only reason we are in contact is being I am the 'appointee' on her benefits and she has stressed the importance of me continuing to do this for her ('it's all she's asking'). However I cannot seem to move forward from the years of difficulties with her...
The rest of my family have had a turbulent relationship with my mother and ultimately they have left her and me as well (my father, brother, aunties, grandparents etc). Back when I was 22 I always said I would stick by my mother and help her. She has been through lots of difficulties and I wanted to help. 10 years later after numerous challenges with her I am absolutely exhausted. Throughout that time I have developed my own mental health difficulties and multiple sclerosis as well.
My life is a mess, I spend every day inside the house and only go out for meetings or health appointments (maybe 1-2 a week). I have seen numerous counsellors over the years and tried a range of anti-depressants. I am on a waiting list to see a psychodynamic counsellor for open-ended therapy which I think will be a helpful process. But I struggle to see a way forward.
My partner is the only person I have and throughout the 6 years we have been together, they have only seen the difficult side of my mother. I have (what feels like distant) good memories of my mother and the kind woman she is (perhaps deep down somewhere). But my partner has only seen lots of emotional abuse
I don't really want to go 'no contact' or 'limited contact', but every time I have included my mother in my life it has ended up being incredibly difficult. The manipulation, black/white thinking, love/hate etc is really difficult to bear.
Mother has asked me what is wrong and if I try to explain she ends up denying anything I mention or trivialising it, making it out as if I am being unfair or making a big deal out of something or not understanding.
I often feel really sad for her and it makes my heart hurt, but then I wonder if I am just projecting my sadness. I found out recently that she went on holiday with someone she knows from her voluntary work (this is someone she has complained about many times to me). She has also had some work done to the kitchen (despite saying how she hates strangers and cannot do anything like that etc). I envisage her living a Hermit and Waif life and that allows me to ignore her strong Witch and Queen ways.
She doesn't seem to be the sad, lonely, lost woman at home not getting on with her life. Sometimes I wonder if that's me.
I have no idea where the past 10 years have gone...I have become more and more ground down and lost. I don't cry and cannot remember the last time I did. I have learnt to carry a strong, confident, and happy persona when I see anyone else but at home I feel like a broken mess.
I feel trapped because if I stop helping mother with her benefits then she would not have anyone else (apparently). She has no other income or savings so a lot rests on her receiving these benefits. I just don't know how to get on with my life.
My brother left so many years ago now and he has no contact with anyone, I would love to ask him how he went NC but he would never speak to me. I try to respect his choice.
Where does it all leave me? Feeling like rubbish, every single day. I am plagued with physical symptoms with my MS and psychologically through all the years of sadness/guilt/anger/loss.
I hate the thought of her passing away and no one knowing about it but at the same time I also hate the thought of suffering her manipulative and controlling ways for another 20+ years (she's in her 60s). I feel like she's stolen my life
qwezrty, when I read your story I think of how a drowning person can take down another person with them. Or how when a plane is going down, you have to put on your oxygen mask before you can help anyone else.
You sound like you are struggling quite significantly. Mental health difficulties and MS are very serious things to deal with. If I could make a wish for you, it would be that you begin to focus on yourself, your health, what you want, what you need.
Patrick Carnes writes good books on trauma bonding. Often we have trauma bonds with someone which make it feel impossible to step back from them, or to let them deal with their own adult responsibilities without us. And it can nearly (or actually) kill us.
My own uNBPDm does a lot of crying to anyone who will listen (usually my brother) about how difficult and painful her life is (when we're the ones facing the actual surgery, accident, struggle) while going on holiday every single month of the year, around the country and world.
Regardless, whether our parents are truly drowning, or simply trying to get pity, they are adults. It is not our job to save them. We can get pulled under ourselves while trying to save them. I grew up in a likely PD family, and married into another. At the point my anxiety was so bad that I was struggling to function in my own life, as a mother and wife and employed person. The cry that often arose from within me was "I can't save you!" Really, nobody had asked me to. I had signed up for an impossible job that nobody asked me to do.
You do not owe your mother your life. You only get one life. You owe it to yourself and those who truly genuinely love you to live the best life you can. Some people are so draining and toxic that they absolutely require us to set very clear and firm boundaries to protect ourselves.
There are usually people whose job it is to care for those who don't have family or friends to do the job. Many stories on this forum show how "helpless" parents become remarkably resourceful when their long-abused children finally stop stepping up for more abuse.
I'm so very sorry for all you're facing. Please care for you.
:yeahthat:
qwezrty, I am so sorry for what you are going through. :hug:
Here is what I would have to do if in your situation:
I'd force myself to focus on myself and my husband.
I'd stop helping my mother with her benefits. Maybe I would give her a month notice, maybe not. Either she can deal with her own benefits or she can find someone else who will do so.
I'd give myself the deserved gift and right of 3 months NC. As if I am in the hospital and truly cannot do anything for anyone else. Because if I don't start taking good care of myself I may very well end up in hospital.
I would not explain to my mother other than telling her when I'll stop helping with benefits.
I'd need to drop the rope and pick up my own life.
----
In my own experience, I had to go NC with an abusive parent. Even exchanging holiday cards put me through too much. I had to stop guilt tripping myself and finally pay full attention to my own well being.
Even though I had all sorts of excuses as to why I SHOULD be able to handle limited contact with my uNPD father - I had to drop all that and focus on myself. Even though he isn't always overtly abusive, even though he is a waif, even though everyone else has left him, even though he's depressed and elderly and a victim of his childhood and war and his own choices. I cannot help him.
qwezrty, I wanted to pop in and include a link that was shared in another thread. It might be helpful to you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AOKmQRmwvdo&feature=youtu.be&t=440
Thank you so much for the replies, I am really inspired by your experiences.
These comments really struck me:
Quoteall4peace: You do not owe your mother your life. You only get one life. You owe it to yourself and those who truly genuinely love you to live the best life you can. Some people are so draining and toxic that they absolutely require us to set very clear and firm boundaries to protect ourselves.
QuoteSerenityCat: I had to stop guilt tripping myself and finally pay full attention to my own well being. Even though I had all sorts of excuses as to why I SHOULD be able to handle limited contact with my uNPD father - I had to drop all that and focus on myself.
I so desperately need to drop the guilt and protect myself. I am struggling enormously and have spent the past few years being tormented by all of this. I want this all to go away but it won't.
Mother 'accidentally' sent me a message that was supposed to go to her sister, outlining how "despite how they [me and my partner] are treating me now, mothers love is unconditional, so I'm leaving them to get on with it"...if only this was true. She isn't leaving me to 'get on'. I truly hate feeling like this and I just do not know what to do.
My mind is tormented with extremely dark thoughts, I desperately want to make things in my life better and I really do try. I am extremely limited my contact with mother - having not seen her this whole year. Nothing seems to help me stop feeling like hell inside :'( :(
Qwezrty,
I am so sorry you are going through all of this. The others gave you really good advice. If YOU let her, your mother will run you into the ground, and it sounds like you are about there. I have just gone through this with my adult ill son. For ten years, he was all I did. Now, I am paying for it dearly. Because of the stress and strain it has put on me, I am now dealing with severe health issues that i am trying to over come. I simply cannot do it for him anymore, and I had to tell him so. And . . . guess what . . . he has stepped up to the plate and is taking care of himself just fine.
It sounds to me like you need to start learning how to rescue yourself, or you won't be able to do anything for anyone anymore. Sometimes, we have to learn that the hard way, but you need to do something and fast. Please reread your post as if you were reading someone else's and think of the advice you would give that sweet, kind, dear person. You matter too! Hugs, Adria
Thanks for your reply and kindness Adria. I am sorry to hear that the stress and strain has impacted your health. It does sound like you made the best decision is stepping back from things with your son. Stress does have such a detrimental impact...I developed multiple sclerosis a few years ago - my partner is convinced the stress of life with my mother is what triggered my health condition. I think you are right and I do need to rescue myself, and fast. I often feel very low these days and that is because I cannot bare feeling so awful all the time. I want to try to develop a 'rescue plan'. I like the idea of re-reading my post as if I was reading someone else's and try to think of what I would say - I'm going to add that activity to my 'rescue plan'.
Does anyone have any ideas of what else I can add to the plan? It does feel like I've lost so many years and I cannot cope with the thought of losing any more.
QuoteI often feel very suicidal these days
A good resource in USA https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help-yourself/ "For confidential support available 24/7 for everyone in the United States, call 1-800-273-8255"
More hotlines and resources, international https://outofthefog.website/emergency
Ideas on how to work on ourselves https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/work-on-yourself
Another idea would be to start a notebook of support. This could be a binder with print outs of relevant forum posts, journal entries, inspiration, daily list of things you are grateful for, and humorous pictures etc.
A crisis hotline can help you figure out what to do when you are feeling especially badly. You can come up with a few items, written down, that you develop the habit of doing each time.
Your situation sounds a bit like mine and I am so sorry you were going through it with the added stress of your illness. I'm struggling with my father right now And I just told my partner tonight that I feel like he is drowning in pulling me under with him. I have had periods of NC with him through the years. I am initiating one right now but I fear that I will get a raging email. The advice you have gotten in this thread is spot on. Your job is to take care of yourself first. That advice makes so much sense! I know the tremendous guilt you can feel when you were not there to support the relationship, but if it is toxic to you... You have to take care of yourself. Hang in there. I know it is very difficult
One thing about your post that I'm turning around in my mind, is the possibility of reaching out to your brother. Not to intrude on his life or disrespect what may be his NC boundary, but to maybe gain some clarity and insight, and as you said, some tips on going NC.
Also, for those of us who are NC and feel very alone and misunderstood, your coming out and asking your brother to tell you his story might be incredibly welcome and appreciated!
Even if you decide not to communicate with him, the process of articulating what you hope for might be helpful (write a draft letter, or just jot down some notes and ideas). But I would caution that if you do reach out, it's really important to be OK if you don't get the ideal response back. Being disappointed, sure. But don't let your state of mind hinge on how he may/may not respond.
Good luck, and we are here for you!
Hey qwertzy,
I'm sorry you're going through that. As an only child of an uBPD/N m, I get it. One thing that helps me is learning more about the Narcissistic/Empath dynamic. You can't change your mother, but you can change you, and most of why you feel so awful guilty is because you have the mistaken belief that you are in fact responsible for your mother's happiness. I find Les Carter very helpful and soothing, he is very kind and compassionate while laying things out like they are. Maybe you'll find his videos helpful too: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIELB1mz8wMKIhB6DCmTBlw/videos
:bighug:
:bighug: thank you all so much for your support and guidance to services to help, it really does mean a lot. I've also had a look at the youtube videos by Les Carter and it sounded like he was describing my mother! His advice and tips are really helpful
I agree that it could be helpful to contact my brother - whilst respecting his decision not to reply and not aiming to disrespect his decision to NC - however there is no way to contact him. I have no phone number, or address, and whilst he has not blocked me on facebook he is not my friend and has silenced messages which I have sent him in the past. I wish there was a way I could send just one letter to him and leave it in his court but there are no options. I wonder if my partner could send him a message....
Day-to-day life is extremely difficult - I think I may have had an MS relapse recently and my mental health has been extremely awful. I am currently studying for a PhD but have not worked for such a long time. My supervisors know I am having a difficult time but I never quite know how to explain the extent of it. I do a good job of looking absolutely fine on the outside but I can hold it together for my hour meeting once a fortnight...it is the rest of the time when I am at home, feeling extremely dark and coping in 'unhealthy' ways. The challenges with my mother since Christmas have had an enormous strain on me but it is so difficult to put into words her treatment. Does anyone else find it difficult to explain?
You asked "Does anyone else find it difficult to explain? "
Yes, and it is hard to explain. When we try and explain what PD's are doing to us We are the ones that look totally crazy! Most people have no idea what living with a PD is unless they have lived it. Forums like this do help because we ALL dso understand!
That's exactly it, if I try to explain any of mother's behaviours I look over-sensitive and like I've lost the plot.
Yesterday she sent me a message 'have you and me ended?' ... I don't even know what to say to that. It felt like we ended years ago . Since not being in her life she is getting on just fine. She doesn't need me. I think I've come to realise that the troubled, lonely, lost woman that I have thought she is, is actually me. She copes fine, goes out of the house, goes to work, has friends, is in touch with her sister and cousin. I'm the one who stays inside my house wondering how to get through the day. I don't know how this happened.
QuoteShe has been through lots of difficulties
QuoteI have (what feels like distant) good memories of my mother and the kind woman she is (perhaps deep down somewhere).
I have been struggling with these concepts lately. After years of being very secure in the knowledge of what my mother is, and going back and forth with various contact levels to suit my own health conditions and my family of choice, I still struggle. To the point of going back to sit in the play grounds I frequented as a small child when I don't perceive my mother's condition as bad.
A friend pointed out that with the level of PD my mother has, she probably adores small children because of the reliance and attention they place on her. And she is responsible enough to keep it together around them. This friend also pointed out that my perception of my mother's condition changes as I remember how she started her poor treatment when I reached the age of 8 to 10.
I can say it does get better. I started going back to my childhood playground years ago, and would come home in tears. This time, though, I came home more with the attitude of a scientist on a research mission. I calmly thought about it for a few days, knowing I or anyone else couldn't have done anything to change the course of events. I then presented my observations to my friend, when she pointed that out. It makes sense. It was the one last thing I didn't want to face.
You say your mother volunteers. Mine does too. Have you ever looked up "communal narcissists"? Learning about this concept has helped me to see my mother as outsiders may see her, but what my friend said really helped me figure out the distant, good childhood memories I have of my mother.
I have never heard of 'communal narcissism' but after having a search online that really does describe my mother and captures how others can see her as such a giving, charitable woman but I see a very different side. Thank you for sharing !
It has been quite a few months where I've been 'limited contact' with my mother, I have not seen her for 8 months. She still sends me text messages occasionally (often about how she loves me etc) and I am still responsible for her benefits. I have no sense of relief since drastically reducing my contact with her and have felt awful lately - is it unrealistic to hope for otherwise? Things are quieter now which means I have more time to think about everything with her. I feel so incredibly sad/guilty/angry (the classic bereavement cycle!)
Since the minimal contact my mother has: gone on holiday, decided to sell her house, called estate agents, began donating furniture, reached out for help from a local charity, she is in daily contact with her sister and a few other people, painting a few walls in the house and so on....In my years with her she has always painted this picture of someone who struggles enormously with everything, she won't call people or seek help, she moans about having 'no-one' to help her or to talk to, she complains about people going on holiday and not having anything to look forward to herself, she has let her house become run-down and the only person who did any maintenance was me (I decorated three rooms...removing and replacing the carpet, removing wall paper, painting etc).
I keep getting twinges of guilt and frustration with myself. I've heard about being an 'enabler' and I keep wondering whether it's all my fault. Did I make her into the person she was? Did I help her too much? I don't know. Part of me knows that I was not in control of her words, actions, or choices but I just can't believe how different she is now I'm not in her life. It hurts a lot to admit but she doesn't need me and is so much better without me.
Quote from: qwezrty on July 24, 2019, 06:08:30 AM
I keep getting twinges of guilt and frustration with myself. I've heard about being an 'enabler' and I keep wondering whether it's all my fault. Did I make her into the person she was? Did I help her too much? I don't know. Part of me knows that I was not in control of her words, actions, or choices but I just can't believe how different she is now I'm not in her life. It hurts a lot to admit but she doesn't need me and is so much better without me.
Oh honey, don't let that be your takeaway from this. You didn't make her into the person she was. She just refused to do for herself until she absolutely had no choice. She used you in a lot of ways.
Please remember the 3 C's when you start to feel like this. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Much love to you.
sending you a :bighug: It saddens me that you feel it's your fault :( It's not!
Hell, no, it's not your fault!! Really think about that...if you had a friend who had a parent with an obvious PD would you think it was the friend's fault that the parent was that way? Of course you wouldn't. I think that you are so used to feeling guilty that you're finding new and creative ways to assume guilt for things that are waaaaay beyond your control.
PDs are famous for this type of behavior; you have to literally cut them out of your life before they will make any effort to help themselves. But try to think of this as a gift; as you mentioned, your mother is better off without anyone enabling her worst instincts. She has consumed so much of your life that no doubt you're feeling lost, but now you have the opportunity to show yourself some compassion and start taking care of you!
Baby steps.
:bighug:
Brook, Lindaloo, and Psuedonym - thank you all so much :bighug: